I fell for my "very good platonic friend"...can we still be friends or is it over?

[toowarmhearted]

OK so a very good friend escorted me to a wedding! The evening was so nice and he looked so good .....although we have only been "just" friends for over a year now the evening swept us away. We ended up in bed together.....I do remember us talking before hand though ....and mentioning what we would want to do after this takes place....he was afraid I might run back to my ex. I told him no, I told him I would probably want to spend more time with him and see if there are sparks between he and I. He agreed ....and welll..... lets just say the night was magical. Wow,,,I had no idea it could be that good with HIM>

 

So....the next day he's a little distant...I figure he's just awkward as I was too....this was new for us. Two days later I drop a hand written card in his mailbox telling him how I was happy with what happend and thanking him for the wonderful evening.////I also mentioned that if he wanted to pursue something as in dating I was definitely interested. I told him I would let him make the decision as to what he wanted to do next. Stay friends ..or investigate more.

 

OK so it's been a week and although we've spoken on the phone I have not seen him. I have not been given any sign as to how interested he is. .......now I am thinking not only did we distance our such good friendship ....but I think I have deeper feelings for him now than just friendship.........so after this long book....lol.....my question is Am I panicing to soon? How long do men normally need to make up thier mind what they want to do?

 

I normally could talk to him about anything ....and now my tongue is tied....Is our friendship over...should I tell him straight up that I have feelings? ....or let it go?

[Curt]

There is absolutely no question that you need to be honest about what you are feeling for him. At the same time, he is obviously uncomfortable on some level. Even after the note in his mailbox, he never discussed it with you?

 

It is possible that he is unsure what to do. Does he have a girlfriend incidentally ? It also might be such a new territory for both of you that he doesn't quite know how to approach things. Afterall, you've been excellent friends, and sometimes after an extended period of time as friends, it might be difficult to adjust to each other being more.

 

What I would suggest is that if he does call in the next day or two, I would ask him to meet to talk about what happened. If no call comes in the next few days, you give him a call, and ask him to meet to discuss things. Ask how he is feeling about what happened. Let him know how you perceive things have changed since you both got together that night, making sure to ask him if he feels it changed his feelings for you. Inquire as to whether he feels it was a good thing to happen, why or why not, etc.

 

In other words, just be real (as you have been with him as a friend up to now).

 

I suppose my advice can be "boiled down" to one thing...communication. As I am sure you know, communication has been the key to your friendship, and communication will be the key to your relationship with him in the future, whether as friends or more.

 

Ideally, I think people who are best friends first, stand much much greater chances having success as a couple if they ultimately do get together.

 

But you need answers one way or the other at some point...you can't stay in limbo forever.

 

Curt

[Tony T]

He knows how you feel now. Back off! Be friends like you used to be, don't talk about anything more...romance, sex or whatever...and let him make the next move. As a matter of fact, if he doesn't talk to you about a relationship in another week or so, start going out with other people. That;s sure to flush him out.

 

Just because he's a friend doesn't mean you should treat him any differently than you would any other guy you may want to date. This dude isn't giving you any signals now of his interest. If you met a guy at church, at a club or whatever and he did the same thing, you would soon write him off.

 

The friendship doesn't need to be damaged. If it is, he was never your friend.

 

You also have to consider a lot of men will be very close friends with a female because it's a great way to avoid intimacy, something they fear. If your guy has abandonment, intimacy or other issues and has been seeing you as a friend because it's been safe, he may be going through some real serious head stuff right now. If that's the case and you want to preserve the friendship, you must back off and resume just being a friend. I don't know your guy so I don't know his reasoning but my best bet is that's his problem.

 

Let's face it, any healthy guy...friend or not...who is attracted to a female and who desires to have a relationship with her is going to make some kind of move.

 

This guy is behaving mighty strange for someone who is interested in you as a dating/romantic partner. I don't think awkward's got anything to do with it either. Meeting people, dating and the first sexual experience usually has a little of that as a component anyway. He should feel MORE comfortable with you because he knows you well and you've had a good friendship...not less.

 

This guy has issues and you're not likely to ever know them unless you break into his shrink's office, if he has one.