! Should I let my Mum see my daughter?

[estranged79]

I'm going to try and keep this short although it's a very long story... I haven't spoken to my Mum for 1yr 5 months. In that time I have emailed her once and she has written to me about 3 times. In that time I have also had a baby girl who she has never met. Basically this is why:

 

1) My mother has consistently lied to me about numerous things- one being my biological dad. Made me believe that my non-bio Dad was my real dad until I was 17 yrs old. I can't trust what she says- I just don't believe her anymore- her story changes all the time depending on who she's with.

 

2) She's manipulative, self-centred and commands respect through fear. Even though I'm miles and miles away from her I can still feel controlled and overpowered. I desperately don't want to feel the guilt anymore and want to feel confident in me.

 

3) She's always commented about my weight- i'm normal just not a size zero as she'd like me to be- she's all about wanting me to be "perfect"- in education, manners, height (had me take growth hormone medicine and I'm 5ft 3) , weight, hair colour (started dying my hair when I was 6 or 7 ish- but said it was dandruff shampoo "That's why it stings" she used to say). She wanted me to have the perfect profession as a lawyer or doctor ... I didn't go that way and all hell broke lose.

 

4) She always put me on a pedestal yet it purely wasn't true- as if she was only saying it in front of her friends-so every time i didn't make the mark I was made to feel even worse.

 

5) She played my sister and I off against each other- told me my sis was jealous of me and vice versa - so we grew up very distant- but in adulthood found out otherwise.

 

6) She told 2 different men that I was their daughter- so she could get more money off them later on... and both men believe i'm theirs 100%

 

7) She's lied to me about her age and still won't say her real age.

 

8) I'm nearly 30 and continues to treat me like a child and in her presence I feel overpowered and small.

 

9) I told her about abuse as a child and she never believed me and took the side of the person at fault. She would stick her fingernails into my wrists if I spoke out of turn when she used to hold my hand.

 

10) Everything is conditional- and about her- the end justifies the means for her. So I just don't feel like she's ever really loved me. It's all about the money and how much she's spent on me...

 

Basically I wouldn't have her as a friend and recently she broke up with my Dad (stepdad) after 27 years of them being together she had an affair and left him penniless and homeless and blames him that I don't speak to her anymore.

 

Part of me doesn't want her to meet my precious little girl, I don't want her manipulating her or controlling her in any way. Plus I don't want to see my Mum as I'm still so emotionally angry and hurt by so many things.

 

Then the other part feels like i'm depriving my little girl of a grandma (admittedly not a good one) but feel like I'm making a choice when is it my right to take that away from my little girl... My Mum stopped one of my Grandma's seeing me and she died when I was litttle- I don't remember her... but would it be history repeating...

 

I just don't know- I'm so confused and hurt- this saga just goes on and on and I can't see a way out.

 

Any advice, help, ideas would be greatly appreciated.

[Trialbyfire]

Your mother sounds like a toxic individual.

 

Why not explain to your daughter that she has a grandmother but one who's very mean and hurts people, while pretending to be nice, so it's best not to meet her. This way you don't need to lie to your daughter.

 

Edit - You'll probably find that as your daughter ages, she'll ask again. As she gets older, the depth of your explanations can get deeper, reliant on age appropriate information.

[TheSilentType]

You will psychologically destroy your child and that child will never be the same after dealing with this person who has a mental illness

 

Its your choice to make

[estranged79]

Sorry do you think I will damage her by letting her see her or by not letting her see her? (sorry I didn't know which way)

[Ssheena]

Liv Tyler?

 

Sorry, seriously though, she doesn't sound like much of a real mom. Why would you want to subject your daughter to her craziness when it has affected you the way it has.

 

No, no, no, no. Find a nice lady who can be like a grandmother to your child without all the drama. Sorry to say, your mother does not deserve to have anything to do with your daughter or with you.

[estranged79]

Thanks for your reply- i think that's exactly what my gut feeling is saying- but I keep hearing the "big sigh"from people when they hear that my little girl hasn't met my Mum. As if I'm the bad horrible mother... so the more I hear it the more guilty I start to feel and start questioning whether i'm doing the right thing. I have my Auntie etc all saying I should make up with my Mum and that she is the way she is and to forgive and forget...which to be honest I think is highly impossible. But it's made me feel a lot better to hear from you , an outsider's point of view, and to feel that i'm not being irrational. Thank-you!

[AnLandy]

I didn't have much of a relationship with my maternal grandparents becasue my mom had ongoing issues with her father (abusive and controling) and her mother (spineless, unitelligent, and totally helpless). I regret that this relationship never got a chance to build, and one of my lingering resentments against my mother has been that she kept me from having this relationship. Good or bad, I would have liked the option.

 

Your daughter might want to have contact with her grandmother one of these days, and the longer you wait to get back in touch with your mother, the harder it will be to re-establish the connection. Maybe your mother could meet your daughter and have limited interaction with her, but only in your presence? I definately wouldn't hand my child over to this woman unsupervised.

 

And from experience, I can tell you that a critical, controlling, and angry parent (my mother) morphed into the most loving and accepting woman once the grandkids arrived. To her, they can do not wrong, she totally dotes on them, and she is so enthusiastic about everything they accomplish. I wonder sometimes if the only reason she had kids was to eventually get grandkids.

[suzyq83]

Hi Estranged79,

 

I don't know if any of my advice can help you, but I can feel your pain. I went through some of that in regard to my father -- he had some alcoholism happening in our late teens years that pretty much blew our family apart (my parents' marriage) and took a long time for all to recover family not in spit pieces and parts -- when my kids reached about 10 and he was acting like that again, threatening in demeanor and etc. toward me, I made a decision to not see him for awhile. It did harm tho, for my boys I do believe, esp my youngest one who is right now starting to estrange from me with a girlfriend, which I wrote a post about. I have worked long and hard in counseling thru the years to overcome my past baggage so that my kids did not end up with any, and still, I am watching some history repeat itself is some bizarre way althi I have been REAL diligent at making sure it did not. That said, take caution, it does not hurt at ALL to go to a therapist -- it will help you become stronger in relation to your Mom, and prepare you in being ready to bring your daughter to meet her. Your daughter may resent you some day for not having known her grandma. And as you said, it would be history repeating itself. What I want to say mostly tho is to go only when you do not feel small, with youir mother. You are the only one who is able to know what you can bear and what you can't. And sometimes part of growing stronger is by going to see her too. I mean, I have re-established a wonderful relationship with my Dad, and am so grateful for it today. I guess for me, the most important thing is doing the best I can in life, and I WANT healthy relationships so I work at them and give them time. Parents do change, my father now re-adjusts himself when he is saying something that bothers me. That is a miracle and I respect his ability to change. I wish you the very best, hold it in your heart and ask for answers, you will get them. Go slowly with your Mom, maybe visit her for an afternoon and dinner and just have a nice short time, that ends happily.Only you know what you can enjoy and endure and for how much or how long. Blessings to you and your little one :-)

[GPFan]

And from experience, I can tell you that a critical, controlling, and angry parent (my mother) morphed into the most loving and accepting woman once the grandkids arrived. To her, they can do not wrong, she totally dotes on them, and she is so enthusiastic about everything they accomplish. I wonder sometimes if the only reason she had kids was to eventually get grandkids.

I can identify with this. It is as if an alien had taken over her body.

[Trialbyfire]

If this woman is as manipulative as you say, she'll do whatever it takes to get your daughter to demand alone time with her grandmother. I wouldn't chance it.

[Ronni_W]

It's a really tough call to make because your daughter is going to process whatever you do choose in her own way (at whatever age), and is either going to understand your reasons...or not.

 

For myself, I WISH my mom would have protected me from her mom. Sent me to the moon, if that's what it would have taken. And my dysfunctional maternal grandmother sounds almost 'normal' in contrast to what you posted about your mom.

 

I really think the very best you can do is to listen to your instinct. I like the idea of perhaps there being someone who can fill the emotional role of a "nice" grandma for your daughter -- hopefully the Universe will deliver someone like that for you two.

 

Sending Love and Light.

[woodsie65]

Hi

 

Reading your post made me feel very sad for you. You have clearly had some pretty awful experiences of childhood and what represents a mother. I think that before you make any decisions about your daughter getting to know her grandmother, you need to work on you and be sure that you will be strong enough to manage things

 

Despite your troubled childhood, you appear to have blossomed into a caring and loving human being - hence your turmoil about making the right choice for your daughter

 

I agree with the others who have said making an arbirtrary decision could have repercussions in the future (no matter how well-intentioned your motives are)

 

I am currently working on building a relationship with my mother at the age of 43!! I never thought I would feel anything other than anger and pity, yet I am currently having a relationship with her as a woman (she already failed at the mother bit!!!) I have been able to do this with a lot of support through counselling but most of all I highly recommend a book called "When you and your mother can't be friends" by Susan Sekunda. This book helped me to understand my mother's behaviour. It does not excuse it - but by gaining that understanding I was able to forgive her - which for me was the most liberating thing I could have done - as my anger was just eating away at me inside

 

I guess what I am trying to say is - get some help for yourself to deal with your mother. Only when you have addressed the past can you move on to the future - and who knows - she may have been a rubbish mum - but there is a very small chance that if you can work things out between you - that she could be a great grandma

 

Good luck to you