Does NC really send a msg? have regrets

[selena_cat]

hello everyone

i posted a while ago about my fear of being on NC that i will never hear from the heartbreaker-i wont call him ex since it was an LDR.

Now its almost 5 months and i have been feeling so much better,learning and grwing what i will and wont tolerate-this reelationship ended badly b/c i allowed him to treat me with disrespect. when he dumped me for another girl i refused to settle be his call when i have nothing to do,settling for crumbs fallback girl. I tried being friends which i regretted b/c it seems to let him know i'm okay with settling for crumbs.

the thing is he last sent me a very insulting email acting like the connection/chemistry we had was all an illusion,basically mine,which is a lie and he knows it. everyone including my therapist told me not to reply.

i followed everyones advice and commenced stict NC but i still kicked myself for not replying and telling him about himself-

i felt with that last email that he had the very last word and and went on his merry way, i felt that he had the last punch and even though i walked away-tho everyone says is wise,i still regrets not telling him off,it s asa if there is no closure at all. i still wonder if i did the right thing and not acknowledging his msg,b/c i know i'll never hear from him and he gets to get away with it,comming in my life,stringing me along,then dumping me,being verbally abusive when i refused to take anymore of his scraps since he told me that we will never be more than friends anyway.

Anyone have experience, suggestion,s advice? I am really much better than i was months ago,just this lingering feeling of did he get away wih this.

[AnLandy]

Sit down and write out everything that you would have told him in your repsonse to his e-mail, had you not initiated NC. Keep that letter and read it over and over for a few days until you're no longer feeling angry, hurt, depressed, whatever. Once you reach the point where you can read it and feel fairly neutral, burn it.

 

I know it's not the same thing, but this is an exercise that my therapist had me do to help me get over a sexual assault. It worked great.

 

I also used it after a breakup, and it definately helped. Just letting it all out was a huge relief.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Answer these questions and you will answer your own question...

 

1) Do you think he will care?

2) Do you think he will get an instant epiphany and want to come crawling back to you?

3) Will talking to him again really give you closure? Especially if he shows no sign of TRUE sorrow?

4) If it has been months and you are much better, why are you concerned?

5) Would telling him off REALLY make you feel better by lowering yourself to acting like a crumb crying for attention?

6) Are you REALLY over it or are you just trying to convince yourself by convincing others?

 

 

DNR

[selena_cat]

its just that i have regrets that i didnt write what i wanted to say,everyone have regrets-not that i will break NC,brooklyn NY-i forgot your name,and thats where i was born anyway,so i its okcan call you that. Everyone has some sort of regrets what they could have done differently,dont you? my thing is i had a tendency of not standing up for myself,not just in relationships,but it does spread thru other areas of my life,I've been working on that and evaluate a situation on what could i have done better.

the first response from Anlandy was write,thanks for sharing this with me Anlandy,i will write a letter then burn it,i just needed to let it out.but no i wont break NC,just hated the fact that i allow another person who walked on me and out of my life, next time they wont to use the door,i wont let them wipe their feet on me while they walk out

[Dark-N-Romantic]

its just that i have regrets that i didnt write what i wanted to say,everyone have regrets-not that i will break NC,brooklyn NY-i forgot your name,and thats where i was born anyway,so i its okcan call you that. Everyone has some sort of regrets what they could have done differently,dont you? my thing is i had a tendency of not standing up for myself,not just in relationships,but it does spread thru other areas of my life,I've been working on that and evaluate a situation on what could i have done better.

the first response from Anlandy was write,thanks for sharing this with me Anlandy,i will write a letter then burn it,i just needed to let it out.but no i wont break NC,just hated the fact that i allow another person who walked on me and out of my life, next time they wont to use the door,i wont let them wipe their feet on me while they walk out

 

We all have regrets, yes. And I have my own. But, you know what... I don't dwell on them. I have learned to let them go and learn from them. Now, I NEVER, EVER regret not saying anything to someone who hurt me like your ex did. I don't see them as worthy of any more of my time or effort, even if I loved them very much.

 

But, if you feel that you need to write this letter. Go for it. Just make sure you understand and know why you are writing it. I myself have never called or wrote back to any ex who I am in no contact with.

 

 

DNR

I guess it is just me, but a jerk is not work a second though, nor my actions or lack their of worth questioning.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

One thing I learned is that instead of writing down the things I wanted to say. I remind myself the reasons why I am glad I am not in contact with the ex.

 

1) Ex cheated on me.

2) Ex was disrespectful.

3) Ex lied and played games with me.

4) Ex put me at risk.

 

And things like that. This why I don't feel like things are left unfinished.

 

 

DNR

[selena_cat]

One thing I learned is that instead of writing down the things I wanted to say. I remind myself the reasons why I am glad I am not in contact with the ex.

 

1) Ex cheated on me.

2) Ex was disrespectful.

3) Ex lied and played games with me.

4) Ex put me at risk.

 

And things like that. This why I don't feel like things are left unfinished.

 

 

DNR

 

i like what you wrote earlier about them not being worthy of your time to reply if an ex disrespected you. You never felt angry about it or felt that they got away with it? no no my intentions are not to send that letter to him and look stupid-weak and break NC,its just for me. You must not let things get to you,hmm i may have been away from Brooklyn too long,folks there have tough skin

[Dark-N-Romantic]

i like what you wrote earlier about them not being worthy of your time to reply if an ex disrespected you. You never felt angry about it or felt that they got away with it? no no my intentions are not to send that letter to him and look stupid-weak and break NC,its just for me. You must not let things get to you,hmm i may have been away from Brooklyn too long,folks there have tough skin

 

I am glad you like it, but I don't want you to like it, I hope it is something you will start using for yourself. And from my experiences, I learn that once I start finding and standing up for my worth, and identifying those traits and acts that affect that worth, it will make you stronger and stronger and then, you will be able to demand the best for yourself with confidence and you will find a real man to respect that.

 

Actually I learned my tough skin from old southern folk and my taurus nature. And as far as not letting things get to me... A lot of things still do, but I know now that I am the one who choses to let them get to me and so, while I still get hurt and have my anger and stuff like that, I usually don't suffer from them as long as I would without that knowledge.

 

So, where do you live now? And about me being in Brooklyn, I moved here when I was about two, lived here until I was 19 and then I moved down to Florida (which was also my birth state). I moved back here over 3 years ago after leaving the Marine Corps.

 

 

DNR

[selena_cat]

sorry for delayed reply,

i will print what you wrote again,that really helps,-the thing about asserting your worth. Its just i have carried guilt fro not standing up for myself and letting someone treat me with such disrespect,but i can see now no matter if i did acknowledge anything about him i wouldve lost,when someone wants to be a total pr#%ck to you you can talk to them till youre blue in the face telling them what they did is wrong,they'll still be a pr#%ck.

I was born and raised in Brooklyn and i'm a Taurus also,and now i live in the South, New Orleans the big Easy, please say you didnt go to hs Art & Design too!

 

 

 

 

I am glad you like it, but I don't want you to like it, I hope it is something you will start using for yourself. And from my experiences, I learn that once I start finding and standing up for my worth, and identifying those traits and acts that affect that worth, it will make you stronger and stronger and then, you will be able to demand the best for yourself with confidence and you will find a real man to respect that.

 

Actually I learned my tough skin from old southern folk and my taurus nature. And as far as not letting things get to me... A lot of things still do, but I know now that I am the one who choses to let them get to me and so, while I still get hurt and have my anger and stuff like that, I usually don't suffer from them as long as I would without that knowledge.

 

So, where do you live now? And about me being in Brooklyn, I moved here when I was about two, lived here until I was 19 and then I moved down to Florida (which was also my birth state). I moved back here over 3 years ago after leaving the Marine Corps.

 

 

DNR

[Chinook]

Selena, I went through this very very recently. I was friendly with a guy, who if I'm honest I had a crush on and hoped for things to develop into a relationship long term. I had been single for a year and felt I might like to start dating again. But events unfolded and instead the guy ended up being my room-mate. Just for a short while. However, during that time, HE (not me) initiated moves to start a relationship with me. It was kind of inevitable with being in close proximity. For myself, I ignored it to start with and I eventually asked him if he knew what he was doing, he was rebounding from just ending a relationship.

 

What ensued was a period of flirtation, romance and basically I backed away from the whole thing. I didn't dump him exactly, I continued to remain friends because the very sure and real signals I received were telling me he wasn't that into me. I could feel it was going nowhere and that's not what I wanted. However, himself insisted how hurt he was, how down he was with the situation. He continued to house-share with me, wandering around naked, basically flaunting himself in my house and meanwhile ignoring everything else. Get a glass or two of wine inside him and he became another person and he'd start telling me how beautiful I was, how it may change in the future and how when he moved out we could continue seeing each other. Essentially, what he was doing was stringing-me-along. Finally, he did move out. All well and good.

 

Problem was, when he moved out, he conveniently 'forgot' to pick up some of his stuff. When he moved out, I didn't hear from him in over two weeks. Once I'd been good enough to share the house with, share a mild brief fling with and now zilch. He dropped me like a hot brick the moment he moved out.

 

Then he text me one night to say 'I'll see you very soon'... which as any self-respecting cynical lass will tell you simply sounds like ' I have no intention of seeing you, but it helps me play my back-burner-girl game'. I'm not anyone's back-burner girl. So... I felt it necessary to let him know that. I sent the full 3x160 character text and I explained to him what a dick he was and how he was a thoughtless, selfish pig. I've never heard from him since. This supposedly someone who a week before was telling me how he thought the world of me etc yada etc.

 

The moral of the story...? I regret sending that text. He has no right to know how I feel about how he disrespected me. He knew the score before he started playing his games and yet he still played along and tried to take me for a ride. Pretty much I'm kinda wary of red flags though and he threw me enough of them. He now knows I'm pissed at him. He now knows he got to me. He can also now play the injured soldier and he returned fire with his own text telling me I was mean... so whilst it marginally made me feel better at the time, I rather wish I'd held my ground and done nothing.

[selena_cat]

Thanks for yuour reply, that guy of yorus does sound like a jerk and a user,welcoem to the club, i see not sending reply might have been for the best

[mariposa89]

Hey I can understand about that not having closure..it is necessary to end a relationship once and and for all, but if there is no closure I would suggest writing a letter, reading it and burning it, crumpling it up , whatever. Also you can put all there stuff or anything that reminds u of him and say what u would've said and bury it and move. I did that and it really helped also ur X might come back or contact u, theres always a chance for that. After almost a month of NC w/ my ex he just called today asking me how I was and hoping we could get together...so if he ever does come back then that would be a good time to relaese any unspoken words but you must be strong and show him that ur confident and you still gotta it goin on!

[selena_cat]

Thanks for the positive response mariposa, you seem a very positive person. I've writtien hate letters that i never sent,i remember the first one i wrote when he started acting flaky,clling less,withdrawing from me,that was a powerful one that i still have,it said everything i needed to say, but then i need to update that letter-dont worry i never sent it,

Will that really work to do that/. fine i will but in my heart i wish he did contact me-i hateto think i never existed with the creep, but thats what jerks do,act like you dont exist. i will try doing that,i have another letter i written but will burn it. Anyone else have other experiences about closure?

 

 

 

Hey I can understand about that not having closure..it is necessary to end a relationship once and and for all, but if there is no closure I would suggest writing a letter, reading it and burning it, crumpling it up , whatever. Also you can put all there stuff or anything that reminds u of him and say what u would've said and bury it and move. I did that and it really helped also ur X might come back or contact u, theres always a chance for that. After almost a month of NC w/ my ex he just called today asking me how I was and hoping we could get together...so if he ever does come back then that would be a good time to relaese any unspoken words but you must be strong and show him that ur confident and you still gotta it goin on!

[sedgwick]

"when he dumped me for another girl i refused to settle be his call when i have nothing to do,settling for crumbs fallback girl."

 

What on earth does this sentence even mean?

[sedgwick]

"when he dumped me for another girl i refused to settle be his call when i have nothing to do,settling for crumbs fallback girl."

 

Huh?

[sedgwick]

oops accidental double post sorry

[Angel1111]

A lot of people totally underestimate the power of silence. I think what you did by not responding is make him look like an idiot. He spent time hacking out an email, putting thought and energy into, and you didn't waste your time with one single word. I think it's funny.

 

Whether you know it or not, he was baiting you with that email. And when he couldn't get to you (or so he thinks) and you didn't take the bait, your silence was like a slap in his face. That's why everyone told you not to respond because giving him NO attention is the highest of insults.

 

Feel any better now?

[selena_cat]

A lot of people totally underestimate the power of silence. I think what you did by not responding is make him look like an idiot. He spent time hacking out an email, putting thought and energy into, and you didn't waste your time with one single word. I think it's funny.

 

Whether you know it or not, he was baiting you with that email. And when he couldn't get to you (or so he thinks) and you didn't take the bait, your silence was like a slap in his face. That's why everyone told you not to respond because giving him NO attention is the highest of insults.

 

Feel any better now?

 

 

Yes!! Thankyou so much for your response, and everyone elses also! i thought i was a fool for not answering and lettinmg him have the last word,even though he did nothing but lie and insult me, but when your own counselor0whom i showed the email to loked at me and said casually,now wiil this finally make you stop dealing w/him,do the unexpected,that would make you think. I just hated for it to have ended this way, but i want allowed to let him walk on me like he have been doing all along.also you said its a slap on the face, i thought he just didnt care period-since i never heard anything..not that i'm waiting:o

but i'm also healing also,i'm so much better, nice statue angel!

[selena_cat]

"when he dumped me for another girl i refused to settle be his call when i have nothing to do,settling for crumbs fallback girl."

 

Huh?

 

sorry for the delay, he topld me we had no future,and ended it with me, then he wanted to be friends,so he can lkean on me for emotional support while he gets to go out w/someone else. so i said i refused to be his fall back girl that setteld for crumbs pf his attention while he gave the full main course (his love if he knows how to love anyway) to someone else.

But i'm soo better now-just wanted to clear it up,its just the typical guy dumps girl wants her to remain friends so he can still have her in his backpocket but dont really want to be with her.

but as time goes on, he did me a HUGE favor! 8i can actually say that and mean it.

[mscomplex]

DO NOT REPLY. You got the last word by ignoring him. I have found that in situations like this silence says so much more. It says you are not willing to put in any effort and he is not even worthy of your time. He will always wonder. If this is not typical of you, you have surely baffled him with this one. Make him wonder if you ever even received it. Imagine how you will feel if you send a reply expecting all of this reaction to what you have to say and he doesn't fall for it. Stay strong. It will get better. I am currently in a similar situation with text messages and my ex keeps trying to think of things to say. The more I ignore the more he texts. (IT FEELS GREAT!!!) He wanted to take a break from the relationship. Hang in there!!!!!

[selena_cat]

DO NOT REPLY. You got the last word by ignoring him. I have found that in situations like this silence says so much more. It says you are not willing to put in any effort and he is not even worthy of your time. He will always wonder. If this is not typical of you, you have surely baffled him with this one. Make him wonder if you ever even received it. Imagine how you will feel if you send a reply expecting all of this reaction to what you have to say and he doesn't fall for it. Stay strong. It will get better. I am currently in a similar situation with text messages and my ex keeps trying to think of things to say. The more I ignore the more he texts. (IT FEELS GREAT!!!) He wanted to take a break from the relationship. Hang in there!!!!!

 

Thanks mscomplex! i should be called my that name since it describes me! wow your ex wants a break and keep txting, funny its like a power play from them

i just feel maybe my silence meant that he has the last word,and really that was untypical of me to not reply,i of me,nothing will ever happen btwn us even though i did lean on you during tough times and acted like you were very important and more than good for me, so now i no longer feel that way,i'll just insult you and treat you like youre beneath me. so when i didnt reply cuz ,evryone told me not to, and now i havent heard form him in months i do wonder did not replying i feel as though i'm the one always wondring,

because if he did wonder if i got the msg maybe i wouldve hard something my bow. I feel as though shouldve just told him off.i i just have regrets that he had the last word, but i will take what you said into consideration, it maybe a matter of looking at this situation in another perspective. besides its been months so its too late to reply anyway.

thats why i appreciate all of your help and insights everyone! keep it comming!

[mscomplex]

You are so welcome. When you think about it, most people hate to be ignored. Especially if you are the type of person who will typically react to what he does/says. He is probably certainly wondering: just when I thought I could goat her into responding, she didn't, she has always responded. The minute you respond he then knows he can get a reaction from you. Don't allow him to dictate your behavior. You are on top now. If you respond and he doesn't react or reply then everything shifts and you will be left wondering what he is thinking. It is more than likely killing him that you ignored him. If you really want to get him include him in one of those forwarded chain letter e-mail with 50 others and that way he knows you are indeed checking the e-mail account and just chose not to reply to him specifically. (LOL Joking) I did that once and the person went to their sent box and re-sent the e-mail. I hit reply and wrote: The Person You Are Responding has rejected this e-mail and does not Wish to Received correspondence from this account. He actually went to another e-mail account and tried to send it a few more times and kept getting the same reply. (I actually saved it in a file so I could accurately give the same response) He is not computer literate and thought that was actually a function on my e-mail account. Certainly, I did read his e-mail but did not want to give him the satisfaction of letting him know I gave him any consideration. He waited a few weeks and tried a few more times to send it and got the same results. He was determined to make me read his idiotic thoughts. It was great! Eventually he gave up. (At least I thing he did-it has been several years) Now, I am not recommending you do any thing like that but just felt the need to share. Keep it Up-Be strong!

[selena_cat]

You are the NC's holy grail here ms. complex,hmm a chain email;

i

ll send mines when i graduate college,but i'm afraid he'll send me his (chain email) if or whenever he marries that girl or someone else,i'm afraid to do it, even Mr. Bigg,from the fictional Sex in the City got married,lol!

we'll see,reading your post is inspiring,please let me know more about this ex saga,what ajerk!

its like he has to get attention,i thought mine was bad!

 

 

You are so welcome. When you think about it, most people hate to be ignored. Especially if you are the type of person who will typically react to what he does/says. He is probably certainly wondering: just when I thought I could goat her into responding, she didn't, she has always responded. The minute you respond he then knows he can get a reaction from you. Don't allow him to dictate your behavior. You are on top now. If you respond and he doesn't react or reply then everything shifts and you will be left wondering what he is thinking. It is more than likely killing him that you ignored him. If you really want to get him include him in one of those forwarded chain letter e-mail with 50 others and that way he knows you are indeed checking the e-mail account and just chose not to reply to him specifically. (LOL Joking) I did that once and the person went to their sent box and re-sent the e-mail. I hit reply and wrote: The Person You Are Responding has rejected this e-mail and does not Wish to Received correspondence from this account. He actually went to another e-mail account and tried to send it a few more times and kept getting the same reply. (I actually saved it in a file so I could accurately give the same response) He is not computer literate and thought that was actually a function on my e-mail account. Certainly, I did read his e-mail but did not want to give him the satisfaction of letting him know I gave him any consideration. He waited a few weeks and tried a few more times to send it and got the same results. He was determined to make me read his idiotic thoughts. It was great! Eventually he gave up. (At least I thing he did-it has been several years) Now, I am not recommending you do any thing like that but just felt the need to share. Keep it Up-Be strong!

[Angel1111]

Since it bothers you as much as it does, then you probably should've sent the reply. Next time, listen to what your instincts tell you. This has happened to me a couple of times - where people have given me advice that went against my instincts - and I've regretted it every single time. Not that the advice was bad or wrong, it was just wrong for me.

 

I would add, though, that since this guy really doesn't matter in the great scheme of things at this point in time, just chalk it off to a lesson learned.

[selena_cat]

Since it bothers you as much as it does, then you probably should've sent the reply. Next time, listen to what your instincts tell you. This has happened to me a couple of times - where people have given me advice that went against my instincts - and I've regretted it every single time. Not that the advice was bad or wrong, it was just wrong for me.

 

I would add, though, that since this guy really doesn't matter in the great scheme of things at this point in time, just chalk it off to a lesson learned.

 

You are soo right,but funny at first i didnt want to reply,well,someone told me it is vital now that i dont respond that will bother him. But since months of NC has gone by,on his part to it made me feel like,hey this guy dissed me and i let him get away w/it. i will lesten to my gut instinct.

but now i do feel okay not replying to his insults,if i did it would be two pages worth but then he knows he got to me. Damned if you do damned if you dont