Does NC really send a msg? have regrets

[mscomplex]

Actually that ex was from several years ago. The current ex is someone that I was friends with for 20 yrs. He has always wanted us to have a relationship and a yr ago I said yes. This was the first time both of us were single and decided I already love him as a friend. The relationship was really great. We got along better than expected. He had been acting funny for the past month 1/2 and finally when I pinned him down he said he is not sure he wants to be in a relationship and sometimes wants to just be on his own. He said the last time he felt this way about someone he married them but marriage was not as he expected it would be. We went back and forth seeing each other not seeing each other etc. I am really upset with myself for falling for him and not leaving the friendship the way it was. Problem with this situation is, I asked him not to contact me and he said ok but only does this for 2 days at the most. What gives? I am hurting each time he contacts me. I guess he thinks we can just go backwards and be just friends again. My point: having contact is sometimes just as bad as no contact because you do not know what he wants. I try not to be hopeful when I hear from him most times do not respond and when I do it is usually a one word answer. Would you rather that kind of contact from you ex? Do you think something along those lines from him would make you feel better? I am not sure either way. What do you think?

[selena_cat]

Actually that ex was from several years ago. The current ex is someone that I was friends with for 20 yrs. He has always wanted us to have a relationship and a yr ago I said yes. This was the first time both of us were single and decided I already love him as a friend. The relationship was really great. We got along better than expected. He had been acting funny for the past month 1/2 and finally when I pinned him down he said he is not sure he wants to be in a relationship and sometimes wants to just be on his own. He said the last time he felt this way about someone he married them but marriage was not as he expected it would be. We went back and forth seeing each other not seeing each other etc. I am really upset with myself for falling for him and not leaving the friendship the way it was. Problem with this situation is, I asked him not to contact me and he said ok but only does this for 2 days at the most. What gives? I am hurting each time he contacts me. I guess he thinks we can just go backwards and be just friends again. My point: having contact is sometimes just as bad as no contact because you do not know what he wants. I try not to be hopeful when I hear from him most times do not respond and when I do it is usually a one word answer. Would you rather that kind of contact from you ex? Do you think something along those lines from him would make you feel better? I am not sure either way. What do you think?[/quote

 

 

hi Ms Complex,

sorry for the delayed reply,i hope you still read this. I was reading your situation,and youre doing best to stay on NC with this guy.

You dont want to be string along or left dangling.

a guy knows if he wasnt a relationship or not or if he wants a relationship with you. no guy is that confused,and you have betther things to do.

i was thinking about what you said about ignoring him,even if its ideal i dont think hegave a damn whether i answered or not,if he was wondring i mightve heard something from him by now, but its okay.

its crazy how we cares o much about what they think what they want,or if they care,look,when a man wants you nothing cant keep him away.

look,i had to block a guy from my phone cuz he kept calling/txting after i told him i wasnt interested,what gives? see.

[mscomplex]

It's ok that your reply was delayed. I was out of town for a few days anyway. Since the last post I spoke with the ex and just said, I asked you to stop texting me and you won't. Obviously you have something to say to once and for all say it already so we can move past this. He apologized and said he did not mean to upset me but that he missed me and I am the one yada, yada, yada etc. I then reiterated my stance about NC and he said ok. 30 minutes later he did it again: I Love You. I just laughed at this point because we are going back to how it was for the 20 yrs he was begging for me to be his girl. Funny thing is, he loves me the best way he knows how. He has always had women who were just so glad to be in his presence. I always had the take it or leave it attitude. I have not contacted or spoken to any of his relatives about us like his other ex's would do when they broke up or had problems, I have not come to his house or job and acted like a fool like this one particular ex and I was NC. All of which he is not used to. The one thing I am showing (which he already knew and told me numerous times) I am a classy woman and if you "expect" to be with me this is what I require. I am not a hard a$$ or anything but I expect a certain level of respect from my mate. Anyway, the fact that your ex does not contact you does not mean he does not have regrets. Just find comfort in knowing that the same issues he showed towards you, he has taken then to another relationship and unless he gets help, they will have the same problems. People don't just wake up and start treating someone right. He will contact you, right when you start to feel better. Now that my ex has started back calling etc. I am emotionally able to handle it. He spilled his guts which he rarely does. I did not react nor act like it was something I was happy to hear. What he got from me was indifference. I see his family at church and still interact with them the same as always. It will be his loss. At least this way he will either crap or get off the pots. He has always been the shot caller with women but know through our friendship that I am just stubborn enough to never talk to him again. Like I told him, I love him dearly but I love myself a whole lot more. He actually said he respects how strong I am. He said further: if a woman won't even stand up for herself what would she do for me. Bottom line is as I have said before: you are your best advocate. There is no one in life that will put your wants, needs and desires above your own, so you do it. Take care!

[selena_cat]

All i can say is Wow! it is inspiring and so are you!

qustion, did your ex jilt you for another woman? and now he's crawling back cus the grass want really greener? i wasnt sure if you wrote about that but the fact that he's txting you when you told him not to, can be annoying but its kind of good when its the person who once looked at you was all too happy screwed you over. Now you can say,youre not worth it, and it takes lots of willpower,and i am starting to see that and feel better about it

i guess lots of people in LS needs it that willpower to stand up and say no,through NC, i just answerd a post from a member who just wanted to break NC after 5months and itold him not to,especially if his ex is with someone else like mine is or was,or whatever he's doing.

I would have gotten past this but the way he treated me (and i allowed him not knowing better) is unbelievable,and its right what your ex says, he knows when a woman wont stand up for herself,and guys hate and can sense that,.

i have regrest for not telling him to jump off a bridge when he first dumped me and accepted being his friend and all i got was more disrespect,its like to him is wow i dumped this girl and she's still waiting for my breadcrumbs.

lessoned learned,this is inspiring and hope you keep me posted what you decide to do with that persistent ex of yours!

also hope its true that the weasle will have a heart knowing what he lost even if he doesnt act like i dont exist. Furthermore,wont expect him to contact but its nice to know if i mattered to someone especially as callous as he is. Youre also right in saying that a guy doesnt wake up and treat a woman right

oh he'll be nice in the beginning land turn into something trhat is unrecognizable,thats why i was in the river denial so i'm not suprise if it happens in his relationship or to him,Karma is a b#tch sometimes : ). Again keep me posted!!

[mscomplex]

I must say you sound so much better than when you originally posted. It sounds like your tone in your posts has become so much more confident. I hope that you will continue to get better day by dat. What keeps me strong is that I made a list of all of my ex's negatives and when ever I feel jilted by him I pull the list out and read all of the negatives and say to myself, why be with a man like that? I deserve better than him. He is trying to figure me out right about now. He called recently and I made sure to start giggling uncontrollably before answering. He was like, what's going on. I just said through my laughs, let me call you back. I have not spoken to him since. He keeps calling and texting and for the most part I am ignoring him. To be honest, I am not sure how I feel about this situation with my friend of 20 yrs and boyfriend of 1. I love him dearly but will only have him in my life as a boyfriend the right way. Anyway I feel so much better in life but as far as him, I am on the fence. Honestly, right about now I can take him or leave him. I no longer feel that undying love that I once had. I know that each day things get easier and I find a little bit more of myself. You are doing the same. If your ex noticed in any way how good you were to him during the relationship, he will miss you and compare others to you. He may be happy in the new relationship at 1st but he will more than likely in some way surface again. In the meantime, continue working on yourself. I am keeping up with my social activities and working out as much as possible. I have figured out, you cannot make anyone see the value in you. They have to see it for themselves. Keep it up.

[selena_cat]

I know everytime you turn around here i am writing back to you!

I cant help it you are very inspiring,and i also thank everyone else for responding too,but i appreciate you take the time and writing!

Where were you months ago when i was at the bottom of the pits hating myself cuz of this guy? i wish i talked to you then and thanks for noticing my being more positive, it does take time,and in my case lots of time, i couldnt say that months before when i posted,i felt like a loser and that he had the last word even though he was hurling insults and being condescending,the tone of his letter is like, look i dont want you,youre not good enough for me,get it through your head,and he was the one pushing for friednship!.

Thats funny you said you couldnt stop giggling when you r ex called you,i bet its killing him inside having him wonder, damn why is she so happy here i'm trying to reach her and look at this,she's suppose to be groveling over me! i'm nto suprise he wont pound at your door next time

You mentioned about a boyfriend of 20 yrs,sounds like you care alot about that one, hows that going for you, are you still in contact with him?

i wont lie myself i wish mine would act like your ex, at least he's reaching out to you not pretend that you dont exist, but i did write a list likeyou did,and it curls my stomache the way he treated me and played games,making it clear i'm no longer important to him and he's the one who wanted to stay in touch, sure on bhis own terms. like i fool i let him,big mistake, boy when life wants you to learn lessons you learn the hard way and keep learning till you get it right!

ms.complex youre a total gem you go girl!

[mscomplex]

I do not mind you replying to my posts. I am happy to help. I know that my reading all of the stuff on this site has helped me and just want to do my part where I can. The 20 yr friendship 1yr relationship guy is one in the same. He was my friend for 20 yrs and has always wanted more with me. We dated for 1 yr and that is when he told me mid-June that he was unsure he wanted to be in a relationship. So that is what I meant when I said not only is the relationship over but the friendship is greatly affected. He was/is one of my best friends. He has always had the upper hand with women but always told me he knows he could not be that way with me because he knows I would not have it. That is why when I broke things off I had to stick to NC, and he knows I am stubborn enough to not give in. I am sort of at an advantage because I know him so well. I broke it off because he started treating me like I did not matter. I almost feel like he was trying me to see if I would break. He has never really been made to be vulnerable with a woman and he did that with me. All of a sudden he got too close for comfort and was like whoa! He backed off and I let him. It hurt my feelings that he would try for 20 yrs and then do this but like I said before, I only want him here if he wants to be. He got married young and it was disastrous to say the least. We have seen each other through so much. In any event, I know deep down he loves me but if he is unsure, we need to back away so that we will know. I am starting to get over my hurt in this situation. Deep down he is really my best friend, buddy etc. I just cannot let him in on that. He is not going to string me along. I am different from all of the other girls he has dealt with in the past and I am showing that. Not just to show him but to remind him that is who I am and the woman he has loved all of these years. Do not think you were not important to your ex just because he is not contacting you. He is thinking he is not important to you because you failed to respond to his last tirade. He is probably trying to figure out, where is that woman I dated for so long who let me control her reactions to everything I did/said etc. You really stood up for yourself by not allowing him to dictate your actions. You really stood up for yourself and said with silence: NO MORE! Think about all of the times you did respond to him. It got you no where. It did not make him treat you differently nor did it make him respect you anymore. This is the different you. You are basically saying: if you cannot/will not address my as a woman, then we have nothing to discuss. I am certainly proud of you. I know it's hard because I know how hard it was to not contact my friend. We had a really good relationship for the past year that was based on a 20 yr friendship. I had to show him what he was jeopardizing. Because I have known him for so long, in my heart of hearts I knew he would not stay away from me but how much is he willing to give me. I mean he was the one who brought up: living together, marriage, travel our future. He was happy to finally be in our relationship. People who know him said he got scared but he should be more afraid of losing the best thing that ever happened to him. (that's how I have to view myself or else I will stay stuck) He is the type of guy if you allow him to straddle the fence, he will. I will not be strung along. Feel free to respond back to me anytime. I actually log on just to see if you have so we can keep the dialog open. Like I have said this site is a Godsend along with my reading He's Just Not that into you as well as Why Men Date Witches. (Change the "W" to a "B") Question: If you did reply to your ex-What is it you want to say and if he called what would you say? Do you think it will matter, what do you think he will say and what do you want/hope he will say? Ponder those questions.

[megapositive]

Very powerful thread... How do you know you have such an impact on someone's life? What is the point of the impact? Is the NC for him, to improve, or for you?

[selena_cat]

mmegapositive,

i thought i had ian impact on his life being there for him during really tough times in his life but obviously i havent,i realize i didnt mean anything to him,'its just i had regrets not sticking up for myself like i should have when he started $crapping on me,thats why i wrote the post. NC made me realize along with time hey i derserve better, along with supportive people in my life,but in a way it is for me.

[BackonTrack]

I am like many of you guys here. I had relationship, it was great, somewhere along the lines things got messed up & I ignored it for a few months, when it was time to go to the next level in the relationship, I found out my girl had been cheating on me. I broke up with her, the breakup lasted about a month, in this time we both said very immature & hurtful things, but in the end, when I knew she wasn't coming back, I shot off an email cussing her out and calling her a whole, she didn't respond ofcourse, instead she contacted a friend of the family and indicated I was harassing her.

 

She did this 2 weeks after the email which let me know it had bothered her, which was sort of funny as she still cared which is suprising as she had been ****ing the OM for nearly 6 MONTHS, if that was me, I would of just ignored the physco ex (me in this case) but she didn't, and her voice tone appears as if the email had been sitting on her mind for a couple days.

 

Eitherway, after that call, I just stopped. I realized I had to go t hrough this on my own & my ex no longer loved me. Its been 3 months of NC since that last email & I'm pretty much in the clear. I do find myself talking outloud to my ex though at times when I'm in the street as if she's right next to me. Thats the only thing I have to over-come.

 

I did this same thing before, when my sister went away to college and I had not realized she was gone. I would constantly call her at my home only to realize she had been gone almost 2 years now.

 

Anyway what I can say about your situtation is your EX left you, there is no reason to keep in contact, as time goes bye, you will forget all about him & no longer be upset at your situtation. If you would of told me this 6 months ago, I would of told you to **** off.

 

In the end though, if your feeling like he got the best of you its because your NOT over it, give yourself more time and that feeling will go away.

Replying to his text or email or whatever is really pointless and it will only serve as a reminder that he still has you on his strings.

 

I want so badly to contact my EX, but I won't.

I know its not going to serve a purpose, there is no hope of her returning, we cannot be friends & I'm not what she wants so even try.

 

I've been nc about 5 months now. Its not so bad, I'll find another. I don't know what she's thinking but chances are she already forgot about me.

 

I don't think I was that important to her.

I didn't think she was this important to me either but 6 months later & I'm still thinking about her everyday. She's able to move on faster than me as she has someone.

 

I am sure if I had someone she would be the last thing on my mind.

[mscomplex]

I am like many of you guys here. I had relationship, it was great, somewhere along the lines things got messed up & I ignored it for a few months, when it was time to go to the next level in the relationship, I found out my girl had been cheating on me. I broke up with her, the breakup lasted about a month, in this time we both said very immature & hurtful things, but in the end, when I knew she wasn't coming back, I shot off an email cussing her out and calling her a whole, she didn't respond ofcourse, instead she contacted a friend of the family and indicated I was harassing her.

 

She did this 2 weeks after the email which let me know it had bothered her, which was sort of funny as she still cared which is suprising as she had been ****ing the OM for nearly 6 MONTHS, if that was me, I would of just ignored the physco ex (me in this case) but she didn't, and her voice tone appears as if the email had been sitting on her mind for a couple days.

 

Eitherway, after that call, I just stopped. I realized I had to go t hrough this on my own & my ex no longer loved me. Its been 3 months of NC since that last email & I'm pretty much in the clear. I do find myself talking outloud to my ex though at times when I'm in the street as if she's right next to me. Thats the only thing I have to over-come.

 

I did this same thing before, when my sister went away to college and I had not realized she was gone. I would constantly call her at my home only to realize she had been gone almost 2 years now.

 

Anyway what I can say about your situtation is your EX left you, there is no reason to keep in contact, as time goes bye, you will forget all about him & no longer be upset at your situtation. If you would of told me this 6 months ago, I would of told you to **** off.

 

In the end though, if your feeling like he got the best of you its because your NOT over it, give yourself more time and that feeling will go away.

Replying to his text or email or whatever is really pointless and it will only serve as a reminder that he still has you on his strings.

 

I want so badly to contact my EX, but I won't.

I know its not going to serve a purpose, there is no hope of her returning, we cannot be friends & I'm not what she wants so even try.

 

I've been nc about 5 months now. Its not so bad, I'll find another. I don't know what she's thinking but chances are she already forgot about me.

 

I don't think I was that important to her.

I didn't think she was this important to me either but 6 months later & I'm still thinking about her everyday. She's able to move on faster than me as she has someone.

 

I am sure if I had someone she would be the last thing on my mind.

How long were you all to together?

[0hpenelope]

NC: self-healing. Utterly, completely, wholly self-healing. Nothing more, nothing less. Trying our best to not think about the ex, not ponder possibilities, living in the Now and not spending too much time looking towards the future as much as working towards it.

 

Enter "After A While" by Veronica Shoffstall in your favorite search engine. You'll see what I mean.

 

It's been months since I've last talked to Lawrence and it bothers me that I think of him reuniting with his ex, what if he's going out with one of his supposed "just friends" girl friends, etc.

 

It gets easier everyday, but in a sense it gets harder everyday too. I just prefer to focus on the former.

[kizik]

Great poem. Tried to post it here but it got all f*cked up.

[BackonTrack]

How long were you all to together?

 

Really only 8 months. The other 6 months she was cheating & being distant. Towards the end though, I got my apt & started to mature, she started to come back. Her Best Friend whom I only encountered twice in my entire life informed me of her cheating and that was the end for us.

 

The best friend also has my sweater that she will not return.

 

Eitherway, that sort of feels like it was another life.

A few more months and I won't remember her.

 

Go me!

[selena_cat]

Thanks for replying on this post too, guess we'll do NC,its been 5months for me to and i havent slipped, so neither can you

hey ms complex

i saw where i hidden his number and not to be lead into temptation with "aw why cant i just call him and let it ring once hang up so at least he wont forget me," i knew i couldnt do it i threw his # awayso you can do it to Backon track, its hard but you know i can do it and socan you and just b/ cyou didnt mean anything to her,like i didnt mean to him doesnt mean we hold no value.

One day when we heal we can value ourselves and not allow someone,one person to hold all the cards

go me too!

 

I am like many of you guys here. I had relationship, it was great, somewhere along the lines things got messed up & I ignored it for a few months, when it was time to go to the next level in the relationship, I found out my girl had been cheating on me. I broke up with her, the breakup lasted about a month, in this time we both said very immature & hurtful things, but in the end, when I knew she wasn't coming back, I shot off an email cussing her out and calling her a whole, she didn't respond ofcourse, instead she contacted a friend of the family and indicated I was harassing her.

 

She did this 2 weeks after the email which let me know it had bothered her, which was sort of funny as she still cared which is suprising as she had been ****ing the OM for nearly 6 MONTHS, if that was me, I would of just ignored the physco ex (me in this case) but she didn't, and her voice tone appears as if the email had been sitting on her mind for a couple days.

 

Eitherway, after that call, I just stopped. I realized I had to go t hrough this on my own & my ex no longer loved me. Its been 3 months of NC since that last email & I'm pretty much in the clear. I do find myself talking outloud to my ex though at times when I'm in the street as if she's right next to me. Thats the only thing I have to over-come.

 

I did this same thing before, when my sister went away to college and I had not realized she was gone. I would constantly call her at my home only to realize she had been gone almost 2 years now.

 

Anyway what I can say about your situtation is your EX left you, there is no reason to keep in contact, as time goes bye, you will forget all about him & no longer be upset at your situtation. If you would of told me this 6 months ago, I would of told you to **** off.

 

In the end though, if your feeling like he got the best of you its because your NOT over it, give yourself more time and that feeling will go away.

Replying to his text or email or whatever is really pointless and it will only serve as a reminder that he still has you on his strings.

 

I want so badly to contact my EX, but I won't.

I know its not going to serve a purpose, there is no hope of her returning, we cannot be friends & I'm not what she wants so even try.

 

I've been nc about 5 months now. Its not so bad, I'll find another. I don't know what she's thinking but chances are she already forgot about me.

 

I don't think I was that important to her.

I didn't think she was this important to me either but 6 months later & I'm still thinking about her everyday. She's able to move on faster than me as she has someone.

 

I am sure if I had someone she would be the last thing on my mind.

[mscomplex]

Hello Selena_cat. He won't forget you. You have had too much of a history together. Just as you are thinking of him, believe that he is thinking of you as well. You have to know that you mattered or else he would not have dated you for any length of time. Think about all of the people who you think about on a regular basis but do not contact them. Just put yourself in the same category. It will put things more in perspective. My male friend told me it is impossible to not miss someone who you love/once loved. Whether you want to admit it or not. I still think you mattered to him. You are doing great and I am happy you did not slip. Just try not to dwell on it all day or it will consume you and keep you from making contact. Also try not to give him so much credit by posting things about him on your thread. Go to other users and start offering advice to other people who are where you were. As you start to support others with your words of wisdom you will also be inspiring yourself at the same time. I know that surely helped me. I started to believe the stuff I was writing. Keep it up!

[selena_cat]

hi mcomplex,

i didnt see you response again many thanks,its clear to me abou tyour 1 and 20yrs relationship, i wsnt sure if it is the same guy,so is He the one who keep txting you and calling?

if not,you may figure out whas best if its NC and it works,all the best- this man the 20yr 1st boyfriend, sounds classic commitmmentphobic.

he loved the chase when you were "unavailable" and now that you were he's afraid to get close, sounds like one,its tough but if you have to stand your ground on NC;Again i really apreciate you clarifying things for both yours and mine .situation. i guess when this man,your guy figures out what he wants,but you seem to be good friends to, thats hard since youre used to talking to him. Maybe if theres a way, i know i said NC, but if you two can talk about this,one last ditch effort, i'm sure there can be a solution,he says his peace you say yours, like a deal you definately give him what he wants but it Has to be reciprocal

hope this helps too,this book i've had forever, "He Said She Said", really gives insight,its from the guy who wrote" Men who cant Love" Steven Sokol, he doesnt put the blame on men but he really gives good insight on commitmentphobic relationships and scenerio which is so on the mark. Sure i love and usually offer advice to others, i learn alot also. My situation was a bit more complex(like your name!) but i know was just a rebound or a crying pillow for him but i promise i wont dwell,did enough of that, having a great day.

Hope my suggestions helped you bit, i love happy endings, at least for someone else,cheers!

 

 

 

 

I do not mind you replying to my posts. I am happy to help. I know that my reading all of the stuff on this site has helped me and just want to do my part where I can. The 20 yr friendship 1yr relationship guy is one in the same. He was my friend for 20 yrs and has always wanted more with me. We dated for 1 yr and that is when he told me mid-June that he was unsure he wanted to be in a relationship. So that is what I meant when I said not only is the relationship over but the friendship is greatly affected. He was/is one of my best friends. He has always had the upper hand with women but always told me he knows he could not be that way with me because he knows I would not have it. That is why when I broke things off I had to stick to NC, and he knows I am stubborn enough to not give in. I am sort of at an advantage because I know him so well. I broke it off because he started treating me like I did not matter. I almost feel like he was trying me to see if I would break. He has never really been made to be vulnerable with a woman and he did that with me. All of a sudden he got too close for comfort and was like whoa! He backed off and I let him. It hurt my feelings that he would try for 20 yrs and then do this but like I said before, I only want him here if he wants to be. He got married young and it was disastrous to say the least. We have seen each other through so much. In any event, I know deep down he loves me but if he is unsure, we need to back away so that we will know. I am starting to get over my hurt in this situation. Deep down he is really my best friend, buddy etc. I just cannot let him in on that. He is not going to string me along. I am different from all of the other girls he has dealt with in the past and I am showing that. Not just to show him but to remind him that is who I am and the woman he has loved all of these years. Do not think you were not important to your ex just because he is not contacting you. He is thinking he is not important to you because you failed to respond to his last tirade. He is probably trying to figure out, where is that woman I dated for so long who let me control her reactions to everything I did/said etc. You really stood up for yourself by not allowing him to dictate your actions. You really stood up for yourself and said with silence: NO MORE! Think about all of the times you did respond to him. It got you no where. It did not make him treat you differently nor did it make him respect you anymore. This is the different you. You are basically saying: if you cannot/will not address my as a woman, then we have nothing to discuss. I am certainly proud of you. I know it's hard because I know how hard it was to not contact my friend. We had a really good relationship for the past year that was based on a 20 yr friendship. I had to show him what he was jeopardizing. Because I have known him for so long, in my heart of hearts I knew he would not stay away from me but how much is he willing to give me. I mean he was the one who brought up: living together, marriage, travel our future. He was happy to finally be in our relationship. People who know him said he got scared but he should be more afraid of losing the best thing that ever happened to him. (that's how I have to view myself or else I will stay stuck) He is the type of guy if you allow him to straddle the fence, he will. I will not be strung along. Feel free to respond back to me anytime. I actually log on just to see if you have so we can keep the dialog open. Like I have said this site is a Godsend along with my reading He's Just Not that into you as well as Why Men Date Witches. (Change the "W" to a "B") Question: If you did reply to your ex-What is it you want to say and if he called what would you say? Do you think it will matter, what do you think he will say and what do you want/hope he will say? Ponder those questions.

[nowhereman82]

Hard part about NC if you still actually wish to be with the person is that you always sit and wonder if you are setting yourself up.

 

Your heart wants the ex...your mind what's to heal. And they never agree with each other haha

 

I did no contact and it did wonders for me. Now I just randomly talk to her. It's sometimes hard. But she was my best friend so I can't ignore that.

 

I say do what makes you happy but is healthy. If you have to stick to NC to be healthy then you need to do it. If you can speak to them again without freaking out or falling to begging them back....then give yourself a little lee way....humans don't always need to be rational

 

As I guy I struggle with my rationality vs what my heart wants. I usually would just ignore my feelings or shrug them off.

[kizik]

The simplest way to put it is that No Contact "sends the message" that you can physically survive without them. You'd be surprised how shocking this is to narcissists who truly do think the world revolves around them. They are out f*cking other people and doing whatever they want, but at least they don't have you on the leash anymore, b/c you have chosen to go NC. In this way, NC really is for you - for your self-esteem and well-being, and so that they cannot hurt you with their, "Hey, how's it going, I'm doing great!" bullsh*t. Those kind of people will take any chance they get to try to represent they they are GREAT without you. Maybe they are, but you hearing it is the nail in the f*cking coffin.

 

NC = protecting yourself, avoiding pain, learning who you are again in a world w/o them.

[nopainnogain]

I used to to regret things. Then I started regretting that I regreted. I dont even regret regetting anymore. Its like trying to drive your car looking in the rearview the whole time. My ex was a hoe ,and thats the whole thang.

[selena_cat]

haha Kizic, soo true! I will definately print what you said,he is a narcissist, but i promised ms complex i wouldnt be always bringing him up, i just love to hear others opinion, the part of having you on a leash is soo on the mark, i felt i was strangles by that leash and settle for crumbs in the meantime,that part i reallyt regret and will never cross that path again,with ANYONE. also thanks nowhere and the other responder who calls his ex a hoe, mines a male hoe,

NC dopes send a msg, i realized i shouldve done that in the beginning, no lest be friends crap, all it would do is tell the ex you will accept second class stepchild treatment which they never respect you anyway, i realize now NC is a godsend,just like to hear it from others!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The simplest way to put it is that No Contact "sends the message" that you can physically survive without them. You'd be surprised how shocking this is to narcissists who truly do think the world revolves around them. They are out f*cking other people and doing whatever they want, but at least they don't have you on the leash anymore, b/c you have chosen to go NC. In this way, NC really is for you - for your self-esteem and well-being, and so that they cannot hurt you with their, "Hey, how's it going, I'm doing great!" bullsh*t. Those kind of people will take any chance they get to try to represent they they are GREAT without you. Maybe they are, but you hearing it is the nail in the f*cking coffin.

 

NC = protecting yourself, avoiding pain, learning who you are again in a world w/o them.

[WiseOne1]

haha Kizic, soo true! I will definately print what you said,he is a narcissist, but i promised ms complex i wouldnt be always bringing him up, i just love to hear others opinion, the part of having you on a leash is soo on the mark, i felt i was strangles by that leash and settle for crumbs in the meantime,that part i reallyt regret and will never cross that path again,with ANYONE. also thanks nowhere and the other responder who calls his ex a hoe, mines a male hoe,

NC dopes send a msg, i realized i shouldve done that in the beginning, no lest be friends crap, all it would do is tell the ex you will accept second class stepchild treatment which they never respect you anyway, i realize now NC is a godsend,just like to hear it from others!

 

Well you are 100% right, not doing NC sends the message that you can be treated like a dog, and doesnt mind 2nd class treatment.

 

I think NC also makes a person respect you, the person will respect that you have dignity and will stand up for yourself instead of letting someone run over you.

 

NC also sends the message that you dont need them "you want them" but dont need them. Or just simply that you can live without them.

NC brings you back to reality, we all have lived without our exs and will be just fine without them, we trick ourselves into feeling that were worthless and cant survive without them, which is a complete lie, we just dont want to live without them.

[selena_cat]

Thanks Wiseone,I appreciate your advice and input on NC,very well said,no more being treated second class,thats my biggest regret,its either First Class or nothing.

its true,somehow his respect for me faded,thats cuz i hung on and took his crap but with NC no matter what hope it sends a message, and most important that i deserve better,and guess what Wise, so do you!

[myeverything]

I think you did the right thing not replying. Scalding him back wouldn't have done anything - ignoring him will make him feel like a prick in the long run

[changchewsoon]

Read your post and I feel for you, really.

 

Maintaining NC will help us to heal and recover faster, and also to keep our chins up. We want to walk away with dignity, and right now by maintaining NC you are also preparing yourself for the next one that comes in to your life.

 

You definitely wouldn't want your next guy to know that you have been treated like a doormat by your ex and yet still you refusing to move on. That is going to make him doubt your personal values, because you're telling him that you allowed yourself to be disrespected in the past and he either will do the same by disrespecting you or he'll just walk away.

 

You're doing the right thing girl, just maintain NC and cut him off from your life. I can tell you, he'll think about you from time to time. And if he ever has any conscience left in him its going to eat him. And that's gonna keep going for a long long time, which honestly is quite a pitiful thing. I can't possibly imagine myself going through that.

 

While you on the other hand, is on the fast track to recovery and by the time you realize it you've probably met a nice guy and you're already in a wonderful relationship.

 

Then when you look back, its all going to look like kiddie stuffs to you. Why? Because you've walked through it and you're one level higher then him now. You and your new boyfriend, are going to hold hands, walk down the isle and laugh it off from time to time.

 

That's how powerful NC can be.