Arguments in the relationship

[win1234]

Hello Everyone,

 

I need some advice. I am 23 years old going out with a 25 year old lady. There is 1 year and six months in the difference. We have been living together for about 6 months. We both come from fairly different backgrounds ( Social- Nothing Major - Nothing Religious or Political ). We have been going ouf for over a year now, but the relationship has had some very very stressfull times.Luckily enough this has not been caused by infedility on either part, but rather through insecurities and lack of communication. ( Insecurities like she thinks I liked my ex more, and i think she loved her ex more ) For the last few months we have had an argument nearly every week, and frequently the arguments get physical. Now to make it clear, she does not hit me nor do i hit her. But its caused in a difference in personailities. She has a short fuse, and when she blows it she needs time to herself, a walk or something. Me being very insecure I basically asume that she wants to leave me. I hold her back, and this makes her blood boil even more and we end up pushing and holding each other. When she does something to me I become very introverted and quite and just feel like curling up in bed, which I know does not help either, because it comes across that I am shutting her out. The point is that we both for reasons to long and complicated are very insecure, and are very quick to jump to conclusions, and read into things the wrong way. We both love each other very very much, and have had some great times together, but her family and my family have seen both of us very upset and very hurt, and while I know both families have accepted that we are together both are skeptical about whether it will work out, because we argue over the smallest of things which then blows out of proportion. We know we love each other very much, and for the amount of times we argue, we also have a great time together, help each other out, its in every other way a 50/50 relationship where we are there for each other. Does anyone have some advice as how to stop arguing over small things ? How to control insecurities ?

I have learned two very important things I have learned. 1 If someone loves you and really means it, be very very carefull to doubt that love. We all show love in different ways, so be carefull if you always expect the type of love you give to your parther to be returned in the exact same way as you gave it.Look at what your partner values most, and realise that if it is this she gives you, then appreciate it and respect it.

2. BE VERY VERY VERY CAREFULL OF ALCOHOL. In moderation it can ease and relax the mind, but it is a very dangerous poison and it can do alot of damage and alot of hurt.

 

Regards,

 

W.

[Tony T]

You give some very strong advice to others about alcohol...completely out of nowhere. Have the two of you been drinking when you have these arguments? I ask this because most sober people find it a total waste of time and energy to argue about small, petty stuff.

[win1234]

Hi,

 

No most of the time we dont, but nearly everytime that we have had drink, we have just become more emotional and taken things that little bit further, calling each other names, accusing each other off things we both know we have not done. It just adds an extra nasty twist to an already pointless arguement.

 

W.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "...nearly everytime that we have had drink, we have just become more emotional and taken things that little bit further, calling each other names, accusing each other off things we both know we have not done."

 

Well, step one is to either stop drinking, control it better, or seek help on how to drink without it affecting your personality. In other words, take your own advice about alcohol.

 

Secondly, YOU are the only one who can cease your part of the arguing. It's nothing but a conscious decision to cease interacting with your lady in a negative way. Don't engage her, don't respond to her. Just listen to her when she gets upset. You get no cash or rewards for being right. What are you getting out of arguing...frequent flyer miles???

 

Your arguments are not the type that resolve conflict. They are stupid and non productive. I'm actually wondering if the two of you are using them either to make a boring relationship more exciting...or to keep the relationship from getting any closer.

 

I personally don't do things that have no purpose. Arguing about petty BS has no purpose or reason. The two of you should take the time you use arguing and volunteer at a Children's Cancer Center where you can make the last days of young children brighter with laughter and joy...instead of engaging in this tomfoolery. Put your time to better use.

 

And for big issues, learn healthy conflict resolution techniques that will enable you to resolve differences without the nastiness that seems to accompany your exchanges at this point.

 

Oh, and by the way, to quote a good friend of mine: "BE VERY VERY VERY CAREFULL OF ALCOHOL."

[NEONINK]

Tony's perfect as usual.

 

Quit drinking. I mean, how good does it really feel to be drunk?

 

Get out of yourselves and look at the world a little differently. You have someone you seem to love; she's has the same. Perhaps Tony's advice of helping out someone that doesn't have all you have would help. It's called stewardship. It will also help your self-esteem and character building. Good luck.

[win1234]

I think we both have some kind of insecure need to prove that the other does not love as much as he /she claims to love. And we litterally would pick on anything. Example: I did the dishes twice more than you did this week - ergo I love you more. Or I cuddle and hug and intiate more affection than you do - therefor I love you more - so basically you dont want me as much as i do. It s this type of tit for tat arguing. We seem to spend alot of time arguing over who loves who more rather than actually just accepting we love each other and enjoying this love we have, and trust me we have had some great times together, which is probably the biggest reason why we are still together, because we know when its good , its really good. We are really attracted to each other, and both do make an effort. I think if it were not for this blinding insecurity we have we could really see how much we care for each other. We both want to work on it, and make it work. I think we both are scared to lose each other, and are looking for something in the other person to prove that he /she is not worth or does not really love the other as much as they say.

 

Helping children fight cancer certainly is a noble cause, which is to be admired. Myself would definetly rather spend time helping animals in need than arguing with the woman i love most. Its a very good point.

Thanks for your honest opinion.

 

W.

[moimeme]

If you both agree that insecurity and fear is behind your arguments, then sometime when you are not arguing, agree on a word or phrase either of you can use with the other which will stop the argument by reminding the other that that is why you are arguing. The rule is that when that word or phrase is used, the argument MUST stop immediately, you both must separate, and then go think about why and how much you care for each other. Arguments have a way of building on themselves. If people can manage to separate themselves during an argument and then go think of anything other than the fight and their grievance, most fights can be shut down.