What do you do when you have a great wife BUT she's lost all interest

[david22]

What do you do when you have a great wife BUT she's lost all interest. She sais she is in love with me, though she just doesn't have an interest or desire for a physical relationship. Now, keep in mind I still love this woman and we have a child.

Getting to the point, do I stay faithful and become an angry resentful man or do I seek a descreet relationship to satisfy those needs and have a happier(though stressful) life?

[Kimmy]

NO....do not be unfaithful. That is not the answer. That will cause you more problems then you want to deal with.

 

I can tell you that I was in a similar situation. I was married for 3 years and about the last year I lost sexual interest in my husband. I could not figure out why but it just disgusted me to have sex with him. I did it, just out of obligation but I was not happy.

 

Have you two thought about marriage couseling? My husband and I went and it was good, even though we did end up divorced. I realized that i did not love him anymore and I had to get out of the marriage. I am not saying that this will happen to you so don't let that scare you, because everyones situation is different. This problem needs to be corrected soon because if you two are not having sex with each other someone is going to cheat sooner or later and you will end up in divorce.

 

You would not believe what counseling will do for your relationship. I am a strong believer in getting help! I would seek out a marriage/sexual counselor. Your wife needs to figure out what is causing her not to want to have sex with you.

 

I know it is hard, but whatever you do stay faithful to your wife or get out of the marriage if you are unhappy. Cheating will not solve anything!

[Stone]

Is she in her 40's? If she is she is probably going through menopause I know men think that's BS but it really happens.

 

Try taking a different approach at it. Make her feel special again buy her flowers, take her to a nice dinner/vacation, buy her a nice bottle of wine and draw her a bath, pamper her for a while men tend to stop doing so after years of marriage and all woman need to be pampered. It makes us feel sexy and wanted. Mostlikley you'll get what you wan't in return. Oh, and there is some pill's you can buy at an adult store that will make her jump all over you.

[Tony T]

It's never, ever a good thing to cheat. It always backfires and hurts many people and surely won't do anything to repair the sex part of your marriage.

 

If you and your wife once shared good sex, then that can be resurrected with the help of a competent counsellor. There are many things that could have made her shut down, from you gaining weight to her gaining weight; some hormal shifts after your child was born; something you said; something she read; lack of foreplay; your approach to sex may be unromantic to her, etc.,...whatever. You simply can't life the rest of your life with a woman who won't make love to you. Spending the rest of your life cheating is certainly not the answer...and it's very dangerous in many cases as well.

 

First, have a good talk with your wife and don't make her defensive. Suggest the two of you see a counsellor to work this out. Let her know it's important to you for your to be close to her and you feel that is an important component of marriage. If she's the great lady you say she is, she will at least try. If after a good go at counselling she still is not into sex of any kind that satisfies you, you'll have no other choice but to terminate the marriage.

 

If you never had good sex together, you still may be able to get something going but it may be a little tougher.

 

Again, cheating is NEVER the answer....even if your wife gives you her blessings to do it. Try your best to work this out.

[Tiffany]

Is it possible shes just not physically attracted to you anymore??

 

I speak from experience on this... my husband has "let himself go" so to speak. He's 40 to 50 lbs overweight, never gets a haircut or bothers to dress well, refuses to work out. We rarely have sex.. i'm just not into it. I can't bring myself to come right out and tell him how much this bothers me, at the risk of sounding shallow or cruel. So instead I try to encourage him to lose some weight, dress better, etc. - sadly its not working too well.

 

I'm 35, in good shape and attractive - and although i love my husband and we have a good life together - the lack of sex & intimacy has taken its toll. I did have/am having an affair with a man thats single and more concerned about how he looks. The passion and excitment of being with someone I'm attracted to physically is fabulous - I just wish it could be with my husband.

 

This arrangement is working for the moment - at least until I can find a better solution. Marriage does not make it ok to stop trying to impress your spouse by staying in shape - men have been telling women this for years - but it works both ways.

 

LOL I was just thinking that if men knew that their penis' feel smaller when their bodies get overly large (i.e. flabby tummy).. they'd all be at the gym 24/7.

 

Anyhow.. you may have the body of a god.. and my two cents are worthless.. maybe i'm just taking an opportunity to vent... I never thought I'd find myself having an affair - and outsiders are always quick to judge. But they aren't in your situation are they?? We all need to find happiness the best way we know how.

[superd]

it is beautiful how you can rationalize your cheating heart but it doesn't fool me. Outsiders are quick to judge because it isn't a very complicated situation. If you don't tell your husband how you feel and he doesn't lose weight, whose fault is it? He might have no problem with how much he weighs. Going outside the marriage to get your kicks is very indicative of someone that has a very damaged heart and should do something to overcome those years of grief that are weighing them down. There is no quick fix, but cheating is throwing fuel on a fire that is already somewhat out of control. As to what kimmy said, something sounds very fishy, you don't make it clear why you just suddenly feel disgusted by your husband. You know before you so easily become a cruel person, you have to realize that no one is perfect and that everyone needs love.

[moimeme]

I can't bring myself to come right out and tell him how much this bothers me, at the risk of sounding shallow or cruel

 

 

OK, let's get this straight. You don't want to 'sound shallow or cruel' so instead you betray him in a way that would crush him utterly were he to find out. And this would be logical how?

 

So instead I try to encourage him to lose some weight, dress better, etc. - sadly its not working too well.

 

People can be unbelievably obtuse. Unless you have connected his letting himself go with your lack of desire for him in so many words, how exactly did you expect him to understand? Has he taken a mind-reading course?

 

And here, for those of you who ask why marriages break down or why people engage in affairs, is a perfect example. Rather than communicate truthfully with her husband, she chose to cheat on him behind his back instead. Take this as an example of how not to conduct a relationship.

[superd]

moimeme, for once we are truly seeing it eye to eye, very nice sister!!!

[DazedConfused]

Hey Tiffany,

 

If you only knew what that guy is saying about you to his buddies.

 

......if you only knew that you're just a faceless name that this guy is ejaculating into.......and he is busting a gut laughing about you behind your back....he never has to commit, he gets all the sex he wants........meanwhile, your overweight husband is at home trusting in his marriage vows......you know.......that you would 'stand by him in sickness and in health'........

[davep]

Consider this:

 

The whole concept of "marriage to one person for life" is simply as outdated as "working in the same job for life" has become. The thought process is a holdover from a time gone by. The world is more connected, more options exist, more choices are available, than when this concept was hammered into people as the "moral" way to have families.

 

ok, having said that, we should lay off Tiffany, and lay off her "chubby hubby" and accept that this is the way life is.

 

Sometimes - in fact, I'd say "most times", spouses simply grow up, change, and actually get to a place where they dont really want to be with each other anymore. Things change.

 

We dont know Tiffany and hubby's issues. But i can guess that he's not been happy for a while, she hasnt either. her affair is her escape. His withdrawl is his.

 

Many times, in unhappy marriages, the men withdraw, and women seek out others.

 

Once the men get rid of the reason for their unhappiness, (their typically overbearing, opinionated, youre-not-good-enough-for-me spouses)

 

He'll lthen want to lose weight, and find a young lady who likes him.

 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the ex-wife will eventually hammer her new boyfriend to marry her.. and he'll do so out of fear of "losing her".

 

Chubby Hubby will get a condo in Florida with a boat, and enetrtain some interesting ladies. Wife will have another guy whom she can try to mold into her idea of a good husband.. in other words..to make miserable.

He'll put on weight, and sink into his recliner between painting her bedroom and shopping at the stores she wants to go to.

 

And thats the way it is, September 2003.

LOL

[Bubbles]

I am reading all the postings here and I find that we have not resolved david22's post.....we all decided to jump on Tiffany.......focus guys! and I'd really like to hear from david22. Have we helped you david22?

 

Bubbles

[EnigmaXOXO]

As embarrassed as I might feel, even hurt, I would rather my partner just come out and tell me that he is loosing interest in having sex because I have lost interest in maintaining my physical appearance. It would sure be better than wondering and worrying why he wasn't chasing me around the house like he use to.

 

I could see myself probably pouting for a couple of days, but it would force me to take a good look in the mirror and ask myself "would you be attracted to someone like me?"

 

I think I'd go to the gym and sweat my butt off just out of spite. Then run around the house naked and refuse to let him touch me!

 

But in all seriousness, HONESTY is the only solution when it comes to relationships. Not only with your partner, but also with yourself!

 

David...you're going to have to sit down with your wife and be upfront. Tell her how you're feeling BEFORE doing anything drastic.

[2SidestoStories]

I think I'd go to the gym and sweat my butt off just out of spite. Then run around the house naked and refuse to let him touch me!

I've actually done something rather like this...What was especially satisfying about it was that he couldn't keep up for long! HA!

 

I agree though that honesty is absolutely imperative. And I agree that I would rather have my feelings minorly hurt when I could do something about it rather than have my lover keep it a big secret from me that eventually led to more and more resentment to the point of no return.

 

Life's too short to drink bad wine, be unhappy, and waste your time "protecting" people from the truth.

[Clancy]

Both Tony and Kimmy gave David good advice and that's to seek counselling. Marriage counselors and other therapists can help couples uncover relationship problems that most couples could never begin to solve on thoier own. David, the lack of sex is a just one symptom of a much more serious problem.

[davep]

I wouldnt have an affair.

You'll be out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Try being a man, and standing up to her.

 

Some advice after 42 years..

once a woman is gone from you emotionally, she aint coming back.

Once they decide, its over.

They'll tolerate you until it becomes unbearable for them, or they meet someone else, or the kids grow up. But if theyre gone, theyre gone.

 

Usually, unfortunately, thats about the time we men recoginize that somethings wrong..but its almost too late by then. Dont know why, but it seems to be common.

 

Hey, let me help ya. Theres no amount of foot rubs, bath drawing, love notes, or these little manipulation "advice column" things which can "earn her" back.

Thye migh show that you care about her, or love her-

but they wont make her like you.

 

Women either have it for you, or they don't.

You can't earn it, or work enough to make it happen.

 

Hey.. imagine telling a woman that if she does little things for you, like rub your feet or bring you breakfast in bed, that then...you'll want her?

Shoot, the women in this board would call you all kinds of names.. but thats what they tell US to do...to earn their love.

 

Were you working hard at it when you and she were hot? probably not.

Drawing baths for her? heck no.

She had it for you. Now she doesnt.

Its that simple, bro.

 

You cant make someone want to be with you, even if it is your wife.

 

What to do? Who knows. What Ive begun doing, after 21 years of marriage and a year of no sex, is talk to her like an adult, and act like one yourself.

 

Ive told her that no one wants to be with someone who doesnt want to be with them. And its obvious that her interest in you is not happenin. Tell her you'll try to be patient, but not forever. She can have some time to think about how shes treating you, and whats shes communicating to you, and if she isnt able to fix it, then the consequences would be pretty obvious.

 

An affair isnt necessary, and will not help anything.

Nor will rose petals on the bedroom floor, or something like that.

 

Good luck, and sorry for the firmness.

[moimeme]

Many times, in unhappy marriages, the men withdraw, and women seek out others.

 

Men and women who probably should never have married since marriage requires communication. If you haven't the necessary skills to be a married person, then for sure don't marry.

 

Some advice after 42 years.. once a woman is gone from you emotionally, she aint coming back.

 

This is an example of a person extrapolating from the personal to the general; i.e. 'this happened to me/is true for me therefore it must be true for everyone'. That would only be a good syllogism if the second statement was 'All humans are exactly the same'.

 

The key to recovering even a terrible marriage is that both people need to want to fix it. Again, this is a requirement for marriage. The commitment to marriage isn't supposed to be 'only when it's easy and otherwise I'll give up'; it's supposed to be 'if something goes wrong, I'll try to fix it'.

 

Having said that, it certainly is a heluva task figuring out whether the person you plan to marry is the sort of person who will commit to fixing it rather than bailing should problems arise. Wish there was a test...

 

If both of you admit that you wish it was now like it used to be, there's hope. If one of you gives up and thinks 'like it used to be' can never return, you are sunk.

[2SidestoStories]

I know I said this in my earlier post, but I really really really just want to emphasize this:

 

COMMUNICATION

 

These people who feel as though they've made the connection of a lifetime with someone whom they've never met except via the web... what is happening there? Some bizarre inexplicable phenomenon? NO! It's called TALKING. (okay, so technically typing.) It's called communicating! The notion that people get sick of each other, and are unwilling to do whatever with each other blah blah blah...we're all so damn busy talking about the problems we're having with loved ones to complete strangers on the internet or best friends on the phone whilst neglecting to tell the person with whom we're having the problem in the first place, thereby growing more and more resentful and such, whilst the neglectee is off doing something likely identical...

 

ARGH

 

I apologize for the potentially nonsensical blabber. But for god's sake, if we can't talk to the person we're with then what makes us think that talking to total strangers is going to solve our problems!?!?

 

Insight is one thing...taking that insight into your life and applying it is another thing entirely.

[EnigmaXOXO]

we're all so damn busy talking about the problems we're having with loved ones to complete strangers on the internet or best friends on the phone whilst neglecting to tell the person with whom we're having the problem in the first place,

 

So True!!

[Platoface]

I agree with you wholeheartedly on this. Once she has "lost it" there is no going back I fear.

[Skyla]

 

David,

I feel for you that you are going through this. It's not something that you should have to deal with for the rest of your life. You did say what a wonderful woman your wife is, so I am sure that she cares for you and doesn't want you to be unhappy. I would be very honest with her, tell her how the lack of sex is making you feel and that you do not want to be with another woman, you want her. Suggest counceling, maybe that will get to the root of the problem. You and she definately need to communicate about this.

 

I am in a situation with my husband where I am no longer attracted to him, and I don't know if I can ever get it back. It has come through years of emotional neglect (he won't even hug me if I am having a bad day) and verbal abuse. Although I know he loves me, he just won't show it. We have four wonderful children together, and he is a pretty good dad, although a little rough on our oldest, but not physically so. I have considered divorce, but when I do this, he goes nuts and tells me that he will make things as difficult as possible for me, and I reconsider because of the emotional damage I feel it will cause the children. My only option I feel is to wait for the children to grow up and move out, then I can go my own way. In the meantime, my kids are happy that they have mommy and daddy, my husband seems content to ignore me, and I have become very lonely and have developed feelings for another man. I haven't acted on those feelings, I'm not even sure if he knows I have feelings for him. Its a very frustrating and depressing thing to go through.

 

I hope that you two can get some help, I have suggested counceling to my husband a few times, and he adamantly refuses. You're wife might be more receptive. Good luck to you!l

[Potatohead]

This does seem so common.

 

Even when they are gone, you CAN get them back, not always of course. But if there is love, there is smoke.

 

I am not sure if sex outside of my marriage helped me get through the tough times or if it made it harder to stay.

 

I know it made me resent my wife even more, though I never had a affair as such (ie I never fell in love with the extramarital one.....nor her with me...we are still friends now we just do not "see" each other for a few years now).

 

I do think that all marriages go through cycles, I think that you have to make the most of the up cycles and weather the down cycles, sometimes these cycles can last an intolerably long time and it does take a lot of effort to recover from those. I can not say if I had my time again if I would do again what I have done, its a tough call. But I can say that I believe we came through it and that my wife and I probably have more feelings now for each other than ...well for a very long time. I do not know what will happen when the kids are old enough to leave home, that does scare me a bit, but then that is a long time off.

 

Handling the lack of intimacy aspect could be partially as I get older I know that I can handle my sex drive better (or mebbe hormone levels are finally plateuing)...I am one of these guys who could (still could do it 3 times a day if I had a willing partner, once a week is still a bit hard to take (now days), although what broke me was a 18 month stint 6-7 years ago. At least these days she does make a effort, but it was not always like that, and it did not change over night, it took a long time and a lot of effort on...both our parts. But her caring enough to make an effort was/is worth a lot to me.....I think that a lot of people are simply not prepared to make this effort, but it depends I guess on how much value you place on the familly. Straight away I can see the critiques saying.....if you placed so much value on familly why did u seek external gratification.....answer, probably out of desperation is the honest answer.

 

To those oh so judgemental people out there, go take a flying leap. The world nor people are ideal, how about trying to be constructive instead of focusing on criticism