29 years?????

[cheetah]

Hi

I'm new....yes I've been married for 29 years and still love my husband but haven't been getting along very well for quite some time. No matter how hard we try, we just don't seem to come together. Well, tonight I told him I couldn't do this anymore...I would try and be out of the house as soon as I could so to make it as painless as I could. I want to work things out but am clueless as how to do it. It's a he's says, she says situation. I realize we have both changed, and I think I've excepted his changes but cannot tolerate the way I am treated. I am not trying to make his life miserable and will except the blame for our problems so that is why I am leaving. But the truth is I sit here in tears while I tell you all my story because I never thought our life would come to this....we were always the couple with the goo-goo eyes and no one else ever existed. In 29 years we have been through some very trying times and always made it through but I don't foresee us getting out of this mess. I am miserable and he is too, but there is just so much I cannot explain I guess I would be interested if anyone else shared this same scenerio.

[Arise_Serpentor]

how about counseling? ever consider that? 29 years is a lot to disregard! And of those 29 years, how many would you say were bad?

[Mr. Lucky]

how about counseling? ever consider that? 29 years is a lot to disregard!

Agreed. You sound like a perfect candidate for a structured environment that would help the two of you talk to and listen to each other. Your marital problems sound more like poor communication that anything else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

In 29 years we have been through some very trying times and always made it through but I don't foresee us getting out of this mess. I am miserable and he is too,

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

I would actually suggest individual counseling for yourself first, so that you can get really clear on the specifics of your feelings. An excellent resource is the 'emotional needs' questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com

 

In my own case, I knew that I was unhappy but I didn't have the best 'feeling vocabulary' to express what it was I felt I was lacking. (Was it 'emotional support'? Respect? Companionship? -- I just never thought to gain deeper insight into it. And my lack of self-knowledge hurt our chances to find the "how" of reconciling our differences. Solutions just never materialized.)

 

And then, yes, I'd also suggest couples' counseling just to make sure that you've both explored every angle before moving to separation/divorce. Because...

It is a good goal to make it "painless as possible" but, even if you can get it to the least pain of any divorce ever, it will still be a helluva lot more pain than you can imagine at this point.

 

Wishing you both everything that is needed through this challenging time.

[2sunny]

Hi I realize we have both changed, and I think I've excepted his changes but cannot tolerate the way I am treated. I am not trying to make his life miserable and will except the blame for our problems so that is why I am leaving.

 

the basic definition of the terms i am listing may actually be the reason why you aren't seeing your own situation clearly:

 

ex·cept *(k-spt)

prep.

With the exclusion of; other than; but: everyone except me.

 

ac·cept *(k-spt)

v. ac·cept·ed, ac·cept·ing, ac·cepts

v.tr.

1. To receive (something offered), especially with gladness or approval: accepted a glass of water; accepted their contract.

2. To admit to a group, organization, or place: accepted me as a new member of the club.

3.

a. To regard as proper, usual, or right: Such customs are widely accepted.

b. To regard as true; believe in: Scientists have accepted the new theory.

c. To understand as having a specific meaning.

4. To endure resignedly or patiently: accept one's fate.

5.

a. To answer affirmatively: accept an invitation.

b. To agree to take (a duty or responsibility).

6. To be able to hold (something applied or inserted): This wood will not accept oil paints.

7. To receive officially: accept the committee's report.

8. To consent to pay, as by a signed agreement.

 

i believe that it is not an accident when certain terms are misused in situations as these... it often times is a subliminal reaction.

 

something to think about...

[Mr. Lucky]

i believe that it is not an accident when certain terms are misused in situations as these... it often times is a subliminal reaction.

 

something to think about...

Or it could be that they don't know how to spell the word and so accept the first suggestion that the spellchecker offers ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[cheetah]

I appreciate the support, we have thought of counseling but it has never gone through. I also have thought of counseling for myself and have did much research on it but I'm afraid the problems are too severe. I don't have the time or length of page to fill you in on our problems but obviously neither of us feel it can help us. From my point of view I can sum up a bit by saying I've allowed him to control my life much too long. And I'm afraid going in front of a counselor would only point everything at me. He is very maniplative and capable of turning any conversation around before you can even realize what he just did. Many people have pointed this out to me before I was even aware. Excuse my spelling I am in a daze and cannot think well, due to lack of sleep.

[Curmudgeon]

If you don't believe that counseling will help then it won't. I'm very much in favor of leaving no stone unturned in trying to save a long-term relationship/marriage unless there's been abuse. Controlling, manipulation and abuse often go hand-in-glove with one another.

 

Sometimes you just know it's over. I know. That was my experience after 27 years.

 

Best of luck!

[Lizzie60]

Then I say .. leave him.. start a new life ...

 

Your H really sound like my first ex.. I lived 18 years with him (on a total of 29)... I knew it was beyond repair.. counselling, like you said, wouldn't help... sometimes, we just let too many years of damages go by and it's too late...

 

You probably would be a lot happier each on your own ...

[Billy Bob]

I appreciate the support, we have thought of counseling but it has never gone through. I also have thought of counseling for myself and have did much research on it but I'm afraid the problems are too severe. I don't have the time or length of page to fill you in on our problems but obviously neither of us feel it can help us. From my point of view I can sum up a bit by saying I've allowed him to control my life much too long. And I'm afraid going in front of a counselor would only point everything at me. He is very maniplative and capable of turning any conversation around before you can even realize what he just did. Many people have pointed this out to me before I was even aware. Excuse my spelling I am in a daze and cannot think well, due to lack of sleep.

 

 

So who is the new guy in the picture..?

[2sunny]

So who is the new guy in the picture..?

 

ya well- that thought was in the back of my mind too!

 

do tell where your emotional energy is really going?

[cheetah]

Your way off the page....the thought of another man almost respulses me! Believe me the furthest thing from my mind at this point is another male!!!!!

[Curmudgeon]

Careful now. Don't make the mistake of dissing and dismissing an entire gender just because of one lousy example. We're not all him or like him. Some of us can even be kind, loving, considerate...

[2sunny]

just the username alone was enough to make me wonder if you were the cheater? ya know what i mean cheetah?

[Ronni_W]

I also have thought of counseling for myself and have did much research on it but I'm afraid the problems are too severe. ... And I'm afraid going in front of a counselor would only point everything at me.

Cheetah, you have clearly made up your mind and that is a good thing -- doubt and indecision can leave wheels spinning forever .

 

But, you need not be afraid of counseling. One does not "go in front of a counselor" as if s/he is some sort of judge. In fact, the opposite is true. And most people do only seek the professional help they need WHEN they feel that "problems are too severe".

 

I would suggest that the people with whom you spoke while doing your research misled you terribly, and gave you a totally inaccurate portrait of the counseling process and purpose. Is it possible that they had their own agendas and didn't want you to find resolution for all your problems, for whatever reason?

[cheetah]

The more I looked at my user name the more I started to laugh....I see what you see now. I just happen to like tigers and such. Today was an awful day, my husband and I work together which brings more difficulty into the situation. Not to mention our worker who happened to give me a wake up call. We had a power outage and I was suggested many times to just go home (by hubby) because he was going to wait for the power to come on at work and he didn't feel very good so he was just going to rest in the dark. I find out he spent 5-6 hours (until 3:30 am) in the dark with our employee????? Yeh, but nothing happened and both of them lied to me first about it until I found out the truth....but the story from her keeps changing a bit and he just won't say anything about it because NOTHING happened. Are you getting the picture yet?

The fact is...I don't think anything happened but I sure hate being lied to because if there's no reason to lie.....why? And yes, I told him I was jealous because he would rather have the comfort of a young employee then his own wife. But he was mad because we had just spent and had a good day 3 days prior!!!!! OMG....I have been reduced to 1 good day a week???? I was so furious, I couldn't even respond. Now, this said employee has given her notice....strange wouldn't you say? We talked I excepted her apology for bad judgement and inappropriate behavior, but this was after she cried so hard for so long begging me to forgive her and that she was sooooooooooo sorry....she even threw up she was so upset.

But the other grand deal is it's my fault (as always) because an employee is leaving....another strange thing when the former employee's always come back to visit me but I don't see them knocking the door down to visit him. Which brings me to yes....we have been in business for quite some time and we have been 24/7 all these years, so you can probably see where the control issue comes in. I've tried to tell him I want out many many times and he always has reason why I can't at that time. I have to go now....he will be around soon and I can't be on here. I hope you are starting to understand my situation....I am so confused!!!!

[2sunny]

oh honey - my heart is very heavy for you.

 

i apologize for assuming that you may have been involved with someone else - but i hate to say that i could smell the signs from here. so it must be him.

 

these signs don't rear there ugly head in this manner for nothing... so there is always a reason to make it logical.

 

if you intend to stay - marriage counseling needs to be a top priority. you have a lot of ground to cover since not only are you married to him, but you also work together. it also appears that he wants to control a lot of areas of your life... so this won't be easy.

 

good luck to you - and post when you can. there are a lot of good folks with great help for you...

[OGrtMaker]

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through. One thing I can't take is lying ~ that would drive me crazy because it just erodes the trust in a relationship. There are some huge red flags with your H. If you do leave, you might still consider individual counseling, just to have someone you can talk to, who can help you through it. Good luck!

[Gunny376]

To the orginal poster ~ I get what your saying ~ as a man, ~ as an individual ~ as a person ~ one of the things I try and do everyday is to keep it real ~ to keep my honor clean ~ to keep my reputation beyond reproach, beyond question!

[2sunny]

any update? just wondering...

[cheetah]

We have been working separate days as much as possible....his suggestion. It wasn't a good idea when I mentioned it months and months ago but somehow it will work now that's it's his idea. The girl that gave her notice does not speak to me but is very nervous around me. I still cry looking for some sign to tell me I'm just the biggest naive idiot in the world and to wake up it's over but still don't want it to be.

I've spoken with friends and some of my family and they all agree he is controlling and taking advantage of me but I just keep expecting to wake up from a bad dream.

I check this forum as much as I can but have to be discreet about when I can get on here. I'm nervous and scared and feel very alone. He has taken away all confidence that I had in myself and find it difficult to more forward.

[sharebear823]

Hi, Cheetah:

 

You really need to get to an attorney quickly and find out how to protect yourself and your interests. You've poured your entire life and all your energy into your husband and your work, and you say he is controlling and manipulative and cheating on you...I think you really need legal counsel, the sooner the better!! You deserve to feel good about yourself, and once you start taking some control of your situation, you will find that your husband has less control over you. My heart goes out to you; it sounds like he's putting your through the ringer. Please protect yourself!!

[cheetah]

Well, lots has happened since I left here. I moved out of the house about a month ago...just couldn't take it any more. Then my mom passed away...she had been very sick and in the hospital for over 2 months which was creating a stir. I am now living in her house and cleaning it up to sell. I look at it as therapy for me, it keeps my mind off my own problems so I don't spend my days crying.

My work situation has gotten worse and my husband and I are back to working 5 days together. He seems to be a bit more respectful and nicer since I've moved out but doesn't change the fact of what we need to correct in our marriage. I am so overwhelmed with problems right now I just don't want to deal with any of it.

I don't sleep so I'm very tired and have lost weight that I didn't need to loose. My access to the internet is very seldom so it is hard for me to get back here. I am still confused and yet I don't want to get myself back into the robot life I have been living for so many years. I got to believe there is a brighter side to life.

[Patience08]

Cheetah,

 

I truly feel for you. I know you are dealing with so much loose and change. Between you're 29 year marriage and the death of you mother, my heart goes out to you. Do you have children and friends near by that you can lean on for support right now? I hope so.

 

Life will get easier. Try to enjoy one simple thing every day.....it doesn't matter how small it is. If it's the warm sun on your face, just soak it up. Try a relaxing bath at night with some bath salts, some tea or wine.

 

It must be difficult working with your H every day....do you have to go to work everyday? Is it possible to take a leave?

 

Thinking of you.

[cheetah]

Unfortunatly the way the economy is today I do have to go to work whether I would like to or not....matter of fact I am sicker then a dog right now but do not have any choice but to be here.

I have many relatives and friends that support me and probably wouldn't have made it this far without them.

Making decisions right now just is not the priority on my list and find it difficult to have to make them. I do not know why I find it easy to confide in strangers with my problems, maybe I don't feel quite so alone knowing there are so many people out there having the same issues as I.

My husband is now talking about counseling but I can't help wonder why now and not when I suggested some time ago....is it because it's now his idea? Or does it buy him time? I hate thinking this way...but being as niave as I am I really don't want to keep getting burned!

Still confused....just taking everyday as good as I can.