Can he really change?

[Jennifer]

I just wrote a long letter about my break-up with my ex. Well the day after that i wrote my little story I dropped some clothes off at his house. He wasn't home. The clothes also included a tape I made and a picture of

 

me. Anyhow I called him that night. I was really drunk. He called me the next day and asked could we talk. I said yes. We met after he finished work. Right away he said he wanted to get back together. I made him wait about an hour and then I said yes. So we are back together. He promised he would make me first priority in his life and things would be different. So I believe him but my family and one of my friends still don';t like him and think I am making a big mistake. I can see why they would think that since I told them all the things he did that made me fell horrible. I also have a 3 yr old son who adores him. He lieks him and they get along fine. Can He really change. Is it worth giving it another shot or should

 

I listen to my family and friends?

[Tams]

Anyhow I called him that

night. I was really drunk.

It said in your last letter that you had also called him another time when you were drunk. Now either this is a problem you like drowning your sorrows in, or you are just using drinking as an excuse for calling him. Try not to make a habit of it.

 

Guys make promises all the time, and it seems to me like he is playing with your heart and your mind. Sure guys can change but most certainly not overnight. It takes years for them to do that. But yet they always insist that they have "changed" and they are "different" and have "learned", and this may not always be true. I commend you for wanting to try to trust him again and wanting to try the relationship again. But don't be too dissapointed if it doesn't go the way you want it to. From what you said in your last letter, he sounds like he just wants you when it is convient for him. This is not right. You deserve some happiness. Your friends and family may be right, because they are seeing the picture with a clear veiw, while your judgement is clouded by love/lust, or something in that feild. There are so many guys in this world who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. But one thing is certain, don't let other people make up your mind for you. Shut out everything they are saying and think of things in your own perspective. It can be very frustrating when friends are telling you how much of a dog your man is. Sure they may be right, but you just don't want to hear it. And why, because most likely you love him. But if so many people are in fact telling you not to be with him, then who knows they may be right. Sit down and re-evaluate the whole situation. Does he make you happy? Does he make you feel important? Does he love you? Does he call you and ask you how you are and how your day was? Does he even call you? Do you trust him? He is committed to you and the relationship? Ask yourself those questions and many more, until you have no doubts whatsoever. And when those doubts are gone, then you have you answer. If the doubts persist, talk to him. But remember one thing, don't let him play with your mind. If you feel reglected, then you need to move on. Relationships take two people, and if you are giving all the effort, then free him from his "burden" and find a man who will love you whole heartedly. I hope this helps some

[Dani]

Hello!

 

I agree with tams!

 

I know how hard it can be to start up a relationship that has once since...died , so to speak. And I did the same thing..Listened to the " Ive changed...." " I love you "

 

" It will be differant this time ". And its right...it is differant the second time around. ITS SO comendable of you to have faith in him enough to want to give him a second chance. And bottom line..You have to do what is right for you! If you feel ok with giving him a second chance then do. But like tams said...People don't change overnite. So getting back together with him now...just means that while your with him, he is maybe STILL gonna be going thru that changing process and its gonna take time. Thats whats sucks, is that...yah can't wave a magic wand and have it change over nite!( which is most unfortunate!!)

 

Listen to you!!! When there is a relationship its between 2 people. NO ONE ELSE!!!!! People telling you they think its a bad idea to get back together with him, thats there opinion, thats how THEY feel. You have to do whats right for you! Ultimately!

 

Look out for you and your child! Thats whats most important!

 

Best of luck to you! and *HUGZ* ...I know how you feel!

 

Dani

[JUSTAGUY]

Jennifer,

 

I thought you might like a candid, honest response from a guy here. You seem somewhat weak now, emotionally, and it is NEVER a good idea to make ANY decision which could affect you long-term when you feel this way.

 

I read your previous message explaining the circumstances of your breakup. Although I have never cheated on anyone, I most certainly know how to be a jerk, a practice I continue to (incrementally) work at eliminating from my own life.

 

Truthfully, Jennifer, I would recommend you separate from this man, immediately. Sure, people change, but as one message noted, that can take years. (Why, I still have relapses myself, despite the fact that I really do CARE about the feelings of those I love!) I am not necessarily suggesting you give up on this guy permanently if you can't, or don't want to.

 

But if you can't, I suggest you keep separate living quarters and avoid sleepovers period, at least for awhile (timeline: 3-6 months minimum, or longer, based on results). In the meantime, GET SOME COUNSELING. *Read that again.* If money is an issue there are always community support groups that cost little or nothing. Also insist that HE get counseling as well. If he is sincere, he will. If not, quiet your emotions, and run.

 

You sound as though you might have the tendency to be emotionally dependent. Remember the old saying that if you can't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to? Many abusive guys subconsciously see this as weakness, and it only results in further abuse. I'd also be willing to bet that by not standing firm you are REINFORCING this man's negative behavior. You have given in too quickly, and without having any concrete method, plan, or visible actions to indicate or even promote change!

 

Right now, you need to concentrate on YOU. You cannot rely on another person to bring you happiness. You need to address what's hurting inside of you first before you'll be able to maintain a fulfilling relationship. I can assure you, there is some hurt that needs to be addressed. Don't ignore it.

 

Right now, you REALLY need some time away from the situation so you'll think more clearly and make better choices. Be strong and limit contact to a dating relationship--maybe only once a week, twice at most. Living together--a definite no right now.

 

But do get some counseling. Maybe rekindle some friendships. Get involved with people in general. Do constructive things that will occupy the time you might normally spend dwelling on this situation.

 

I can tell you with complete faith that I believe there is someone far more special out there for you...if you'll only be strong and patient.

 

Much happiness, and a big, comforting hug

[rose]

I just wrote a long letter about my break-up with my ex. Well the day after that i wrote my little story I dropped some clothes off at his house. He wasn't home. The clothes also included a tape I made and a picture of me. Anyhow I called him that night. I was really drunk. He called me the next day and asked could we talk. I said yes. We met after he finished work. Right away he said he wanted to get back together. I made him wait about an hour and then I said yes. So we are back together. He promised he would make me first priority in his life and things would be different. So I believe him but my family and one of my friends still don';t like him and think I am making a big mistake. I can see why they would think that since I told them all the things he did that made me fell horrible. I also have a 3 yr old son who adores him. He lieks him and they get along fine. Can He really change. Is it worth giving it another shot or should

 

I listen to my family and friends?

I say people can changs if they won't to and everybody desires a second chance, but if it doesn't work out. just move on.

[Pete]

Take it from someone who knows - He won't change!

I just wrote a long letter about my break-up with my ex. Well the day after that i wrote my little story I dropped some clothes off at his house. He wasn't home. The clothes also included a tape I made and a picture of me. Anyhow I called him that night. I was really drunk. He called me the next day and asked could we talk. I said yes. We met after he finished work. Right away he said he wanted to get back together. I made him wait about an hour and then I said yes. So we are back together. He promised he would make me first priority in his life and things would be different. So I believe him but my family and one of my friends still don';t like him and think I am making a big mistake. I can see why they would think that since I told them all the things he did that made me fell horrible. I also have a 3 yr old son who adores him. He lieks him and they get along fine. Can He really change. Is it worth giving it another shot or should

 

I listen to my family and friends?

[dolph duran]

dear rose?

 

i,ve been for 8 jears now with my

 

girlfriend.

 

We have the best relation possible,but

 

it wasn't always like this.

 

i said the i can change words over

 

a million times and more.

 

We wanted to stop our relation for so

 

many times,but we didn't.

 

And as time evolved we are doing

 

more then good.

I say people can changs if they won't to and everybody desires a second chance, but if it doesn't work out. just move on.