We're putting grandma into assisted living

[AnLandy]

My 91-year-old grandmother has been slowly declining physically and mentally for the past five years. She and grandad, who is 93, still live alone in their own condo. He has been doing everything he can to tend to her needs, but the pressure is starting to wear him down. She fell and broke her hip three years ago, only to fall again last year and hit her head in the garage. She has been having issues with dizzyness and headaches ever since. Ten months ago, she was clinging to grandad for support in the kitchen, whe he lost his balance and fell on her, breaking her arm.

 

After that, we managed to talk grandad into placing a deposit down to get on the waiting list of the local assisted living facility in their retirement community. Grandma's short-term memory has been getting worse and worse over the past year, and we have decided that we need to get her into the new environment before she completly loses the ability to make connections with her new surroundings.

 

Grandad has yet to inform her of the plan to move to assisted living. She doesn't want to leave her house, and, aparently, she thinks that there are "too many old people" at the assisted living facility.

 

The facilty informed him this week that an apartment will be available in September. He is still insisting that granma should not be informed of the impending move until, literaly, the moving van pulls into the driveway. The rest of us think this is a mistake, that she has a right to know that her life is going to change dramtically in a few short months.

 

Do we honor grandad's wishes on this, or do we tell granma?

[quankanne]

I understand where grandpa is coming from, but honestly? That's a conversation you're going to have to gradually introduce with Grandma so that she doesn't think she's been abandoned. It's traumatic enough for someone to lose the place they call home, but it's even worse to think they're not wanted there. I know when my dad put my mom into a nursing home several months before she died, it was hard on them both, and she couldn't understand why she couldn't just be at home. And we had to tell her that it wasn't because we didn't *want* her there, but that because none of us were equipped to properly care for her since her health problems really got bad. She wasn't happy, but I'm hoping she saw it as the best we could provide for her in those limited circumstances.

 

I think the worst thing you can do is shock her by just moving her cold – start talking to her about the community there, about the positive side of living there (with my mom, it was the 24-hour access to health professionals that we stressed) and let her know that you're not planning to abandon her.

 

and get your grandpa to tell her that, too, that he's still in the picture, just holding down the fort until he can join her (if that's his plan).

 

good luck, and don't let this nag at you. As hard as it is knowing she's going into assisted living, know that you're giving her the best of care that allows you/the rest of the family to handle all the non-heal-related business.

 

hugs,

quank

[EnigmaXOXO]

Will grandpa be moving into the new apartment with her?

 

If so, as long as grandpa is still of sound mind, I’d leave it to him to make the decision concerning this one.

 

Having elders on both sides of our family, who are just recently coming to terms with this very situation, I’ve learned that the thing aging people fear the most is losing their adult independence. It’s very difficult coming to terms with the fact that you can no longer handle driving, taking care of your home or even each other like you use to. That is the last shred of human dignity a person has left and a very difficult thing to have to finally admit to yourself, let alone turn over to other family members to decide for you.

 

If it were me, I’d probably allow grandpa whatever is left of his pride in deciding for himself and his wife what is the best way to handle the situation for both of them. The fact that he’s finally surrendered himself to the realization he can no longer handle it on his own is probably devastating enough. The last thing I would do at this point is take away that last bit of say he feels he has left over his life by treating him like a child. SO LONG AS grandpa is still of sound mind and able to make a few of the difficult decisions for himself.

 

Besides, it probably wouldn’t take much persuading from his wife to change his mind should she know well enough in advance. Maybe that’s what he’s trying to avoid. Hard to say which scenario would be more difficult for him to struggle with. All the fussing before or after they’ve already settled in.

 

However, if it’s just grandma that will be relocated into assisted living, than I’m with Quankanne that this shouldn’t be done on the sly and that grandpa (along with the support of the rest of your family) should find a way to ease her gently into the transition.

[carhill]

OP, not knowing more specifics, such as a medical/psychometric dx, I will opine simply that many of the reasons that you are electing to/ supporting the decision to place grandma in an ALF are the same as those which controvert long discussions and introducing her to the idea slowly.

 

Does grandpa have his estate plan in place? POA's and living wills for both he and grandma? Now is the time to take care of such issues if not already done. Trust me, it'll make everyone's life easier down the road.

 

My advice will turn on the actual circumstances of the person (grandma in this case) involved. Every situation is different

[nleeh]

I don't think you or other family memebers should start talking to grandma about the move to the AS home but but continue encouraging grandpa to let her know about the move...maybe a few weeks before hand. I'm assuming both are going to live in the AL home which would make it all so much easier for your grandma.

 

You could suggest he talks to those in charge of the home about ways to open up the subject and ways to ease her fears about moving and they may suggest he take her there for a visit shortly before the move so she isn't shocked.

 

nleeh

[suzyq83]

 

The facilty informed him this week that an apartment will be available in September. He is still insisting that granma should not be informed of the impending move until, literaly, the moving van pulls into the driveway. The rest of us think this is a mistake, that she has a right to know that her life is going to change dramtically in a few short months.

 

Do we honor grandad's wishes on this, or do we tell granma?

 

God Bless You, AnLandy, this must be so very hard. I know, my Grandma lived in assisted living for some years and eventually my Mom did too. It was scary tho because it made Mom much older faster, and she was staying there mainly to help her own Mom. But enough of that -- I want to warn you that even nice assisted living places can neglect their elderly. Your Gran will have to be checked on to make sure that doesn't happen. My Grandma had plenty of money and that should have secured good treatment, but it didn't, and it is a shame that in this world today that money matters about whether someone gets well taken care of. Our Grandma was somehow put on a floor where she would be left with a bib on and food all over her, uncomfortable in a wheelchair for too long. Really scary. When my mother was dying she chose to go to India to stay with my brother because she was afraid of not getting good care here in America. So very sad.

 

But what comes first to mind for me in reading your post, is dignity. It is everything, that a human has, as we get old. I think your Gran should definitely be told, because it is her life, and she will have very strong feelings about it, no doubt, and she should be treated with the dignity she deserves. And what a sadness that at the end of one's life, one can't trust their loved ones, so she must be told -- you don't want that to happen, that kind of betrayal. Your Grandpa sounds like he needs support, in telling her and also after telling her, for a good period of time. I am sure it won't be easy. Your Gran may not want to go tho, and is there some way to move them both into assisted living so that they can be together? These life changes esp in old age, are terrifying for ppl. I am sorry you and your Gran and Gramps and family are approaching this very hard decision.

[Nevermind]

No, you should not tell your grandmother. You also shouldn't tell her literally the day before it happens, but ease into it few weeks before. You can then take things slowly with her, in an encouring and soothing way.

 

I am very supportive of giving our elders dignity and let them make their own decisions, but in this case it will be best to tell her not too long before.

 

In my family we went through a very similar situation, and we began talking to our grandfather about the move about 3 weeks before it was about to happen. Not because we didn't want him to prepare himself, but because we knew that he could not really do so. The only thing he would have done would have been to worry and to panic. So everything was taken care of and we started mentioning it more and more, so he grew accostumed to the idea. On the day the moving happened I sat with him on the terrace, where nothing could be seen or heard of the turmoil and held his hand in silence. He was nervous, but also glad that he had not had to worry about anything.

 

Your grandfather knows his wife best, and most likely wants to shield her from grief or panic by not talking about it. Ask him for his reasons, and try to understand his point of view. If she is afraid of leaving the house she will make preparation all the more harder for your grandfather, and eventually for herself. Since the moving itself isn't in question, you should try to make the transition as smooth and swift as possible. In this case, that also means as short as possible.