stampdaddy Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 OK.. so here I am at the REAL beginning of NC. More or less imposed by MW. It's not that I wanted the "affair" to continue, no not at all. And yes, I agree, our "relationship" just could not go any further the way it was. ***to recap briefly: Have been with MW for 4 years now, got foundout exactly a year ago. She never left me, and we have gotten busted a few more times, even around 4 months ago, BUT, she is still there***** Anyway, obviously I have been spinning, but mainly OK.. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round where for 1 hour I am OK, and then for 2 hours I am not. Here is what she has said to me: "I need to do this on my own. I need time to find myself, to make decisions for me and my children without you standing right there. This will be very hard, BUT, I have to do it this way. You are my Joy, you are the future that I desire. It is the present that is killing me. So, let me go. Let me go take care of this, the right way..." etc, etc... I realize it is the only way, I do, but I don't want to cry about it anymore. I don't want to "wait" anymore. I do not want to be "patient, loving, kind, hopeful, caring" or any of these things I have been all of this time. My mind says that I want to let this go, but my heart still struggles with HOW to do so.. Thanks for listening Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Stampdaddy~ I don't know what to say. (((HUGS))) Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 How have you handled break ups in your past? That should give you a start, at least. The other part of it is also simple...NOT EASY...but simple. Don't wait for her. That doesn't mean that you've got to go find someone else...but you need to admit, TO YOURSELF...finally...that your relationship with her is OVER AND DONE WITH. Stop focusing on the "what ifs"...start recognizing that its DONE...hell...act like she'd dead if that helps you get past it. No more thinking about what the future might hold with her...there is no future with her. Accept that for what it is...you've grieved for it already I think (but if you haven't, then do so)...and pick up your life and move on. I'm glad to hear this happen, SD. Seriously, I've been saying all along that "partial NC" doesn't do anything but HURT. It never gives you the chance to move on. It never gives you the space and time to heal. I hope it starts for you now. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I do not want to be "patient, loving, kind, hopeful, caring" or any of these things I have been all of this time. Stamp.... that's just you. You can't just not be you. (((((hugs))))) and strength. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 I just feel as if I have wasted 4 years of my life now. EVERYTHING has been stripped away from me regarding our "relationship". It is dead. That is not how a "couple" should turn out. As far as break-ups in the past, they have been warranted, a decision was made. Love was lost. Hurt was present. This is not the case here. I love here. And I have no doubt that she loves me as well. AND, I do not believe for a second that she is "going back to H". First, she never left, but I am talking emotinally. I left her a v/m last week "accepting" this, and explaining how i felt, that there would always be "something" to prevent movement. She told me a story once about how 2 people fell deeply in love and re-connected 14 years later.. F*** that! I am 41, so I really don't look forward to re-connecting at 55. OH WAUT, I CAN SEE IT NOW. I TAKE HER ON OUR FIRST "NEW" DATE WITH MY AARP COUPONS.... Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I TAKE HER ON OUR FIRST "NEW" DATE WITH MY AARP COUPONS.... Or you park your zimmer frame next to hers at the old age home? Your life starts now, Stamp. Don't wait, for anybody. Live it as best you can, as only you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 I also believe that she is being totally sincere. That she needed a break from it all. I can't imagine the pressure that was laying on her. H came down about a month 1/2 ago and said that the are going to Divorce.. But nothing since. She has seen an Attorney, but again, nothing since. She has simply wrapped herself around her children through their summer. And NO, would it be "wise" to be seeing me if the was a Divorce pending?? absolutely not. Maybe she is telling me the truth. That this needs to happen without me. Because if it were true, then that is absolutely how it should happen. I should not be a "burden" on her shoulders right now, right? She should be able to count on my understanding, right? Do you see me on this merry-go-round? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Yes...I can see that. But...you're still stuck on the "what ifs". "What if" she's saying and doing this so that its better for the divorce? "What if" she got divorced like her H said that they would? "What if"... Everytime you "what if"...you hold yourself in the same position you've been for the last four years...those "wasted" four years you've referred to. SHOULD she be able to count on your understanding???? Why? Why should she? At the end of the day, she's screwed you AND her H around in this whole thing. She's not held up EITHER end of the deal...she's not remained faithful to her H...she's not left him for you... Heck...imho, its WAAAAAY past the time for understanding from you...its time for some righteous anger and some serious "Time to take care of STAMPDADDY" feelings instead of living in the "what ifs" and "I understands". From my perspective, she's wallowing in self-pity, and she's expecting someone to take care of all of this mess she created. She doesn't want to deal with it...she's not taking ANY real action...she's staying right where she's at. Dude...if she wanted something to change...she would have CHANGED IT ALREADY. Time to wake up and smell the cake-eater. Heck...I'm getting angry, and this isn't even my problem! Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 That is where I DO wind up on the other side of my merry-go-round. I am trying and praying to leep me there longer, and it is working.. Eventually, I will stay there. Because you are right, and even she admits: SHE HAS DONE NOTHING either way. Here is my statement: "There are 2 of us in this "relationship", ME and YOU. Will I cant do a damned thing, and if I do, it causes problems for US.. And, well YOU won't do anything.. So, WE are pretty much nothing. And I will be damned if I am going to wait on HIM to dicatate where my life goes... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 And where you need to get to is this... There IS no relationship. There isn't a her and you...there's just YOU, taking care of YOU, doing what YOU want/need to do. She could never fully invest in a "her and you"...because she was also still (and still is to some degree) investing in a "her and her husband". It might not be much...but that's still the boat anchor that's prevented any forward movement. The sooner you cut the rope on that anchor...the sooner you'll sail off and take care of yourself. You don't have any choice on "waiting on HIM" as long as she's still CHOOSING to stay where she's MARRIED TO HIM. Its not optional...he's got say in your relationship for as long as he's part of the equation. Why do you think that BS's INSIST the the OM/OW be cut loose as soon as possible????? Its the same thing...they don't want a 3rd party in THEIR relationship. You're in that same triangle. You need to get out of that triangle...and be an arrow pointed in YOUR OWN DIRECTION. Not dependent upon EITHER of the other two. That's why I've kept harping on changing contact info and all to PREVENT you from staying in this situation. The sooner you finally stop letting yourself get engaged...the sooner you can REALLY start to heal. Stop the 'what ifs'...stop the "might have beens"...start seeing the "aint gonna happens" and the "this is where I need to go from here's". Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 I really am trying.. It is working. It is the hardest thing I have ever been faced with. And I can feel the tide changing. And it is very sad to think about how I cold end up feeling about her after i get there.. But, maybe I wont even think about her.. Boy, would that be nice, impossible, but nice. Just this past weekend, I spent all weekend in her freakin back yard at a Baseball Tournament.. from around 9am to 6 both days. Same fields here kids play on.. That sucked... BUT, it was a step... Made me mad, actually. Made me hate her for doing this to me Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Hi SDiddy been thinking about you lately!! So glad to see you are coming into your own, I think you are coming around and this is good to see, painful, but ultimately good for you. Provided you are still intent on turning that page then you are on the right path. I'm afraid the merry-go-round is common, it is not going to stop entirely until you become indifferent and can actually move on but it will slow down if you help it. Everytime you come by to post I do see progress and if you stay focused it will only keep getting you further down the line. The pain does become a duller ache as time passes, but you need that time to heal an it has to be with her in sight. Allow yourself to feel negative emotions for her SD really allow yourself the luxury of thinking ill thoughts about her. Are you suppressing ill thoughts of her? Don't do that, be fair to yourself and try to balance things out, dig up your feelings of frustration and really allow yourself to feel those emotions. It's ok to feel anger rather than sorrow. It has to be balanced, do love her, do miss her do yern for her, but counter that with your feelings of resentment. It breaks the pattern in your brain and it really helps. What you want is to stop aching, don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Wow...this may be a first for me, but... Good advice, TC!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 That sucked... BUT, it was a step... Made me mad, actually. Made me hate her for doing this to me GOOD!! This is good SD. Of course I don't advocate hating people, but it is important to balance out your emotions. You had been leaning too much towards the other way and at this point it would be to your own detriment to only focus on that, and we (by we I mean you and your super strength ) need to get you out of this dark cloud. Once you are out you will be able to feel naturally again and handle all the emtions. But for now you have to help those tendencies to only see the good because your brain is accustomed to pain right now and it tends to want to stay there. woops and in my last post I meant The pain does become a duller ache as time passes, but you need that time to heal an it has to be with her in sight. WITHOUT her in sight. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 If the NC can really stick and both of you abide by it, YOU will feel better as time goes on. It's like you have no choice...I know this is corny and cliche, but time does heal all wounds..That and keeping busy, focussing on you, your kids, work, friends, family.. Oh and ofcourse all of us at LS. Sorry that you're in alot of pain and I hope someday soon you can get a "feeling good" streak going. Link to post Share on other sites
Event Horizon Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I'll tell you..this woman has some balls. Dangling the potential to be with her in the future but saying stay away for now. This one really likes having you on the hook. What she is doing is unforgivable. The least she could do is let you go without giving you hope to stew in. Someday you're going to look back at this and not be able to forgive her. I hope so anyway. E..H Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I really am trying.. It is working. It is the hardest thing I have ever been faced with. And I can feel the tide changing. And it is very sad to think about how I cold end up feeling about her after i get there.. But, maybe I wont even think about her.. Boy, would that be nice, impossible, but nice. Just this past weekend, I spent all weekend in her freakin back yard at a Baseball Tournament.. from around 9am to 6 both days. Same fields here kids play on.. That sucked... BUT, it was a step... Made me mad, actually. Made me hate her for doing this to me I feel for you in a big way Stampdaddy. I'm at a similar place in a different situation. The place where in order to save yourself you need to make an excruciating and conscious decision to allow the hard truths that you have pushed back to protect your love on behalf of you both fall inward and collapse it. You are angry and you have lost respect; if she has not quite betrayed you she has at least been careless with the rare gift of a powerful, reasoned love. Once you let that in, truly let that in, something fundamental is changed forever. I'm not afraid that I won't get over him, I'm immensely sad that I will. I have quietly held a torch not because I'm weak or foolish but because rational or not, taking the mental and emotional steps to let him go in my mind and heart has felt disloyal. I loved him, and because of that I have stood watch all by myself for all of these last 18 months. It's lonely, confusing, wrenching and in my case ultimately futile. So now I begin the process of forgetting that I love him. I've kept it sharp and clear and unmistakable, but anger and disappointment and time and eventually loving somebody else means I will forget. More typical relationships evolve such that their endings feel like 'falling out of love' or 'growing apart' but now I think it's all just forgetting. Forgetting while you're still in love and having to be conscious of it all is like being awake during surgery. It's agony, and you want to scream out and stop the process in every moment. But if you want to survive and thrive, you can't. It is, as you say, one of the hardest things I've ever done. Stamp, I think you're exhausted from holding back the world. Set it down. The chance for an uncomplicated, easy, joyous love with this woman has passed. If it will be at all, it will be something else for which you'll need clarity, strength, wisdom and patience beyond your reach right now. Every ounce of your energy should be funneled directly in to you. Find little bits of contentment and string those together into days. String those days into weeks, and end so that you may begin. Link to post Share on other sites
Jumbo Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 SD - I can feel your pain with your loss....I have been NC a little over 4 months,....sometimes I forget her other times I can't get her out of my mind for days......keep up the NC....we have both wasted time with someone we should not have....love is tough! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 Stampy, Kudo's to you for your ability to deal with all of your problems. All I can do is to tell you that I am thinking about you and your situation. Good luck and I hope you all the success in the world. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 I really am trying.. It is working. It is the hardest thing I have ever been faced with. And I can feel the tide changing. And it is very sad to think about how I cold end up feeling about her after i get there.. But, maybe I wont even think about her.. Boy, would that be nice, impossible, but nice. Just this past weekend, I spent all weekend in her freakin back yard at a Baseball Tournament.. from around 9am to 6 both days. Same fields here kids play on.. That sucked... BUT, it was a step... Made me mad, actually. Made me hate her for doing this to me It seems you are making a turn in the direction you are going. I just would like for you to recognize that you can't hate her for what you think she did to you without hating yourself for allowing the situation to continue. And the hate is a useless consuming emotion that destroys from within. You need to know what part you played and the part she played and then move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 It seems you are making a turn in the direction you are going. I just would like for you to recognize that you can't hate her for what you think she did to you without hating yourself for allowing the situation to continue. And the hate is a useless consuming emotion that destroys from within. You need to know what part you played and the part she played and then move forward. I won't actually hate her, just driving to those ball fields, thinking that things should have been differnt by now, that she should be meeting me there by now to watch me coach my son and 12 other little guys or vise-versa.. Thinking to myself that it is NOT different and she is "just over there" with no clue that I am "just over here" made me so sick!! And you are 100% correct. I HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for my part and not blame her for hers.. It is because of MY actions that led me to be sitting there with tears in my eyes (behind my sunglasses) and a aching broken heart when I should have been a happy boy Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 It seems you are making a turn in the direction you are going. I just would like for you to recognize that you can't hate her for what you think she did to you without hating yourself for allowing the situation to continue. And the hate is a useless consuming emotion that destroys from within. You need to know what part you played and the part she played and then move forward. I disagree, he has every right to feel anger and even hate towards her if he is inclined, it is all part of the break-up process. What's ironic is that you tell him not to hate her for "what you think she did to you" and then turn around and suggest he hate himself for his choices first. This woman has lead him on has made it seem like she was going to give him something she knew deep down she could not give him, he has EVERY right to feel anger towards that and to have the emotions he does for the situation as HE knows it. How can you dismiss her part in all this? No one said to wollow in anger for the rest of his days, but he does need to switch gears. Furthermore, SD is in a lot of pain right now and he has plenty of time to reflect on his part of the situation, which I am sure he will figure out well on his own. He does not need you or anyone reminding him to take note of his part in his suffering since I would guess he is well aware of his doing, as most people are. Right now he needs to focus on debunking this image of the woman he is in love with and there is nothing wrong with that, in fact it will help him have a clearer head once he does. He is overwhelemed with pain of loss there is no point in getting him to feel even worse, they are steps that need to be taken in order for the healing to happen. By focusing on hating himself for his choices, as you suggested, it will only draw him deeper into despair. Is that what you would like to see happen? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 How can you dismiss her part in all this? No one said to wollow in anger for the rest of his days, but he does need to switch gears. Furthermore, SD is in a lot of pain right now and he has plenty of time to reflect on his part of the situation, which I am sure he will figure out well on his own. TC, I know what she is saying.. The word "hate" is too strong.. I can be resentful, mad, hurt, disgusted, pissed off, sick, etc.. I will never be able to hate her.. But I can't also just sit there and feel sorry for "myself" when "she" is in her own personal hell as well.. I have no idea what her world is like at this moment. I know it aint a bowl of cherries.. She could be handed a court date any day.. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 14, 2008 Share Posted July 14, 2008 But I can't also just sit there and feel sorry for "myself" when "she" is in her own personal hell as well.. I have no idea what her world is like at this moment. I know it aint a bowl of cherries.. She could be handed a court date any day.. But...this is a personal hell of her own creation. And its her choice to remain in that 'personal hell'. I don't feel sorry for her...she's right where her actions have led her to be... At the end of it all..you CAN feel sorry for yourself and not give a rat's patooty about where she's at...because she CHOSEN to be where she's at. From my perspective, you really should try to stop thinking about where she's at...focus more on where you are GOING. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 14, 2008 Author Share Posted July 14, 2008 But...this is a personal hell of her own creation. And its her choice to remain in that 'personal hell'. I don't feel sorry for her...she's right where her actions have led her to be... At the end of it all..you CAN feel sorry for yourself and not give a rat's patooty about where she's at...because she CHOSEN to be where she's at. From my perspective, you really should try to stop thinking about where she's at...focus more on where you are GOING. "a rat's patooty"??? just askin..... Anyway my friend. I am getting to that point, I really am (right now you are saying to your self, "boy, Stamppatooty, if I had a nickle for everytime you have written that...." we are BOTH separately in our places based on our individual choices, or the lact thereof.. There are a million woulda/coulda/shoulda's for me in this mess. What is fading VERY rapidly are they maybe's/mightbe's/hope will be's.. almost all gone Link to post Share on other sites
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