new steps for Stampdaddy

[Tomcat33]

How can you dismiss her part in all this? No one said to wollow in anger for the rest of his days, but he does need to switch gears.

 

Furthermore, SD is in a lot of pain right now and he has plenty of time to reflect on his part of the situation, which I am sure he will figure out well on his own.

 

TC, I know what she is saying.. The word "hate" is too strong.. I can be resentful, mad, hurt, disgusted, pissed off, sick, etc.. I will never be able to hate her.. But I can't also just sit there and feel sorry for "myself" when "she" is in her own personal hell as well.. I have no idea what her world is like at this moment. I know it aint a bowl of cherries.. She could be handed a court date any day..

 

Or she could NOT be handed a court date anytime soon, if EVER! Or they could very well be trying to reconcile because that was ultimately what she secretly wants???? you don't know that. But it would be good for you to assume the worst, that is what acceptance is.

 

If you can't find it in you to feel sorry for yourself in a time like this then I don't know how you could feel sorry for her? Some hateful or angry thoughts would actually do you well. Of course you will NEVER hate her. But do you realize feeling sorry for her is perpetuating this martyr personification you have given her? She is not a martyr SD, or a victim, and until you can see that you will not be able to gain any progress or perspective.

[bentnotbroken]

I disagree, he has every right to feel anger and even hate towards her if he is inclined, it is all part of the break-up process. What's ironic is that you tell him not to hate her for "what you think she did to you" and then turn around and suggest he hate himself for his choices first. This woman has lead him on has made it seem like she was going to give him something she knew deep down she could not give him, he has EVERY right to feel anger towards that and to have the emotions he does for the situation as HE knows it. How can you dismiss her part in all this? No one said to wollow in anger for the rest of his days, but he does need to switch gears.

 

Furthermore, SD is in a lot of pain right now and he has plenty of time to reflect on his part of the situation, which I am sure he will figure out well on his own. He does not need you or anyone reminding him to take note of his part in his suffering since I would guess he is well aware of his doing, as most people are. Right now he needs to focus on debunking this image of the woman he is in love with and there is nothing wrong with that, in fact it will help him have a clearer head once he does. He is overwhelemed with pain of loss there is no point in getting him to feel even worse, they are steps that need to be taken in order for the healing to happen. By focusing on hating himself for his choices, as you suggested, it will only draw him deeper into despair.

 

Is that what you would like to see happen?

 

 

 

 

I don't want him to hate himself or anyone else. That wasn't what I said. I said to hate would mean he would have to hate himself because they both were involved in the mess. I know he has every right to be angry, most people to feel anger when their lives don't work out the way they planned it. He knows I don't want him to hate himself and that's all that matters. However you interpret what I said, is fine with me.

 

And I have been on this board long enough for you to know that I don't dismiss any one's part who is involved in an affair. That is obvious in all my post. I just want him to see that sometimes our actions tend to lead us in a place we don't want to be and isn't good for us in anyway. But as you so often point out to the BS, there is a part we play in some situations. He can't put everything on her(@ss that she is). That was the suggestion not to hate. Good grief, take a chill pill.

[bentnotbroken]

I won't actually hate her, just driving to those ball fields, thinking that things should have been differnt by now, that she should be meeting me there by now to watch me coach my son and 12 other little guys or vise-versa.. Thinking to myself that it is NOT different and she is "just over there" with no clue that I am "just over here" made me so sick!! And you are 100% correct. I HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for my part and not blame her for hers.. It is because of MY actions that led me to be sitting there with tears in my eyes (behind my sunglasses) and a aching broken heart when I should have been a happy boy

 

 

You can only take responsibility for your actions. It is your actions that affect your future. Don't focus on your feelings of what didn't happen, focus on your new direction. I know full well how hard what I am saying is to put into practice. But it can be done, one day at a time.

[stampdaddy]

Or she could NOT be handed a court date anytime soon, if EVER! Or they could very well be trying to reconcile because that was ultimately what she secretly wants???? you don't know that. But it would be good for you to assume the worst, that is what acceptance is.

 

If you can't find it in you to feel sorry for yourself in a time like this then I don't know how you could feel sorry for her? Some hateful or angry thoughts would actually do you well. Of course you will NEVER hate her. But do you realize feeling sorry for her is perpetuating this martyr personification you have given her? She is not a martyr SD, or a victim, and until you can see that you will not be able to gain any progress or perspective.

TRUST ME... I am not at that place anymore.. YES, I used to worry about her, want to save her, fight the world for US.. But she hasnt done sh*t!! And you know what? I dont think about "what THEY are doing anymore.. I dont give a "rat's patootey" (it has a nice ring to it after all Owl...) I was gonna say, "I dont give a flying F***, anyway, I don't. And I feel strongly about that.. God, I have spent SO much wasted time thinking, "OK, this is IT, it's gonna happen today, because of this or that.. It is sure to happen now. It HAS to happen now.. OK, here she comes....." NOTHING!!!!!! I am done

[Tomcat33]

I don't want him to hate himself or anyone else. That wasn't what I said. I said to hate would mean he would have to hate himself because they both were involved in the mess. I know he has every right to be angry, most people to feel anger when their lives don't work out the way they planned it. He knows I don't want him to hate himself and that's all that matters. However you interpret what I said, is fine with me.

 

And I have been on this board long enough for you to know that I don't dismiss any one's part who is involved in an affair. That is obvious in all my post. I just want him to see that sometimes our actions tend to lead us in a place we don't want to be and isn't good for us in anyway. But as you so often point out to the BS, there is a part we play in some situations. He can't put everything on her(@ss that she is). That was the suggestion not to hate. Good grief, take a chill pill.

 

 

And I have been long enough on this board to know you love to kick people when they are down.

[stampdaddy]

NONE OF THAT, PLEASE!!! not on my posts.. Thanks sweeties

[bentnotbroken]

And I have been long enough on this board to know you love to kick people when they are down.

 

 

Well, it is time you learn a new lesson. I will continue to say what I believe to be right and wrong. If you call that kicking, then I'll have to go get a new pair of kicking boots. But since I know that isn't what I am doing and so does SD, let's move on shall we?

[Tomcat33]

TRUST ME... I am not at that place anymore.. YES, I used to worry about her, want to save her, fight the world for US.. But she hasnt done sh*t!! And you know what? I dont think about "what THEY are doing anymore.. I dont give a "rat's patootey" (it has a nice ring to it after all Owl...) I was gonna say, "I dont give a flying F***, anyway, I don't. And I feel strongly about that.. God, I have spent SO much wasted time thinking, "OK, this is IT, it's gonna happen today, because of this or that.. It is sure to happen now. It HAS to happen now.. OK, here she comes....." NOTHING!!!!!! I am done

 

 

I know I can see this. It's good to get in tune with your anger SD you SHOULD feel anger towards her she has mislead you she has dangled a carrot infront of your face and ensured you are there hanging on just long enough to buy her more time in order to put off facing reality.

 

And don't you worry once we can get you out of the funk we have plenty of time to lay it in on you, but one person at a time. (kidding)

 

She is an adult with the power of choice, one she chooses not to exercise this power despite saying she loves you forever, she CHOOSES not to take a stance and chooses to quitely sit back and wait to be told the marriage is over if that is even going to happen and you have been accepting her terms living on the decision of a man (her H) that holds that key to your future and your happiness. But she has also choosen to lead you on.

 

I'm telling you anger helps it is all part of the process, you just need to knock her off that pedestal to get the clear picture. It doesn't mean you will stop loving her you will just see things for what they are.

[bentnotbroken]

NONE OF THAT, PLEASE!!! not on my posts.. Thanks sweeties

 

 

As you wish.

[pelicanpreacher]

OK.. so here I am at the REAL beginning of NC. More or less imposed by MW. It's not that I wanted the "affair" to continue, no not at all. And yes, I agree, our "relationship" just could not go any further the way it was. ***to recap briefly: Have been with MW for 4 years now, got foundout exactly a year ago. She never left me, and we have gotten busted a few more times, even around 4 months ago, BUT, she is still there*****

Anyway, obviously I have been spinning, but mainly OK.. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round where for 1 hour I am OK, and then for 2 hours I am not. Here is what she has said to me: "I need to do this on my own. I need time to find myself, to make decisions for me and my children without you standing right there. This will be very hard, BUT, I have to do it this way. You are my Joy, you are the future that I desire. It is the present that is killing me. So, let me go. Let me go take care of this, the right way..." etc, etc...

I realize it is the only way, I do, but I don't want to cry about it anymore. I don't want to "wait" anymore. I do not want to be "patient, loving, kind, hopeful, caring" or any of these things I have been all of this time. My mind says that I want to let this go, but my heart still struggles with HOW to do so..

 

Thanks for listening

 

Not to be funny but this reminds me of an episode of "Taxi" where Loui DePalmer's paramour said something to the same effect when breaking up with him. To paraphrase, Loui's response went something like this:

 

"One day your knight in shining armour will come along... all dressed in white ...and carrying A BIG BUTTERFLY NET"!

 

Hopefully remembering that episode will lighten your spirits but, seriously, you have got to open your eyes for there are millions of women around you and there's got to be a better single one out there just for you! I subscribe to the notion of never getting so enthralled with a size 12 pair of shoes that I ever forget I wear size 13.

[Tomcat33]

I subscribe to the notion of never getting so enthralled with a size 12 pair of shoes that I ever forget I wear size 13.

 

 

LOVE that line!!!

[lala13]

take care of you first and foremost. if she can take care of herself and children, quite possibly she will come back and find you when she is ready. you have to give her that chance. you can't force anything on her.

 

good luck, my friend.

[stampdaddy]

take care of you first and foremost. if she can take care of herself and children, quite possibly she will come back and find you when she is ready. you have to give her that chance. you can't force anything on her.

 

good luck, my friend.

Thank you.. Her own words: "I havent had the chance to do this right..."

I will be noble about it and find a way to take care of me.. The love won't die. But the "hope" can take the summer off...

[Lookingforward]

Keep on doing what you're doing and hanging in there SD...you're sounding a bit better (even if it doesn't seem so to you)

 

hugs

[stampdaddy]

another new day.. another step forward.. Here are some changes that I am noticing:

• I no longer am looking at my phone
  
• I am no longer having the urge to call
  
• I don't "expect" anything from here on out
  
• I am not "hoping" for anything anymore
  
• I have said my "goodbyes" internally, and yes it was sad, but I dedicated the weeked to do so.. Mourning Period is over
  
• She doesnt "exist" in my home anymore
  
• I know longer am using the word "we"
  
• My thoughts of her showing up one day are starting to fill with anger and amprehension, not joy and excitement
  
• my thoughts of her calling (yes, she still has my phone) are like this: she better NOT unless she has something to say
  
• she is fading away..................
  

[Ms. Red]

Awww hugs to you S.Daddy. I don't know why I thought you've all ready done this complete NC. *scratches head* I'm glad to see your improvement. I wish you well. =^-^=

[astra77]

Unfortunately SD you will have good days and bad days. Good days will involve being somewhat pleased with yourself and your progress, bad days consist of unhappiness, pain and even torturing yourself.

 

You have to try to remember not to be hard on yourself - allow yourself to feel how you do, BUT you have to HELP yourself to work through it and move on.

 

Being the OW/OM is very difficult if you want / wanted to be more than a secret in the other persons pocket. You were lead to believe that you had a future with this MW. I was lead to believe I had a future with my xMM. It hurts so bad to think that I may have been used as a sex toy, when I was prepared to change my life forever to be with this guy. My life changed alright, just not how I planned or thought it would. This is alot to process, but I can say that I am in a better place right now, not over it, not "out of love" with him, but I have accepted it to a point, and I am a little better for it.

 

Hug to you SD, allow yourself to hurt, be angry but importantly, listen to you feelings and let yourself feel the hurt pain and anger.

[Confused4Now]

I pray for you SD...Keep the faith....I know god has a plan for you.

[Owl]

So...Stamp...why not do something to "treat yourself" for making the choice to move forward?

 

Take a trip, do something you've wanted to do but never got around to...just do something that's totally FOR YOURSELF. Ya know?

[stampdaddy]

So...Stamp...why not do something to "treat yourself" for making the choice to move forward?

 

Take a trip, do something you've wanted to do but never got around to...just do something that's totally FOR YOURSELF. Ya know?

I can't go anywhere.. wrapping up baseball and we start football Monday, BUT, I hear what you are saying.. stay as busy as I can...

 

Thanks Owl

[Owl]

Stay as busy as you can...AND...TAKE CARE OF STAMPDADDY!!!

 

That's the other thing to remember here...at the end of the day...you need to be happy WITH YOURSELF.

 

You're moving forward, making the right choices...so treat yourself accordingly!

[stampdaddy]

Stay as busy as you can...AND...TAKE CARE OF STAMPDADDY!!!

 

That's the other thing to remember here...at the end of the day...you need to be happy WITH YOURSELF.

 

You're moving forward, making the right choices...so treat yourself accordingly!

got a fist full of fifties and headin to the strip club,, Is that what you mean??

[Lookingforward]

got a fist full of fifties and headin to the strip club,, Is that what you mean??

 

 

wow - prices HAVE gone up.............oh that was for the drinks, right ?

[Owl]

Hey, if that works for ya Stamp...go for it! I had to quit going to those kinds of places when I found out my twin sister was working at one and making twice the money I was as an Army SGT. That's a WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY tho!

[stampdaddy]

Hey, if that works for ya Stamp...go for it! I had to quit going to those kinds of places when I found out my twin sister was working at one and making twice the money I was as an Army SGT. That's a WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY tho!

is she still doing it?? Not my bag baby.. I havent done squat in a long time though.. I have been in a real funk, thats for sure. Not as bad as some, you know, laying in bed all day, crying, BUT, have been hindering on if not dabbling in real Depression. Not this kid, not anymore.. It's that movie line that is quoted here alot from Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living, or get busy dying..." There is so much to do, and just ripping days, weeks, months and now years of of my life's calendar is NOT one of them...