luvstarved Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 People get married for a lot of reasons and being madly in love is just one of them...even though it may be THOUGHT of as the real reason more ofter, a lot of that turns out to be self-delusion...and if they are honest I think most divorced people would admit that whatever finally killed it for them was something they were at some level aware of before they even got married. I say, if you had it, you can get it back. If you never REALLY had it, you won't. Not the same as the first time with a new partner, but comfortable and secure and intimate and...truly bonded, not just momentary intensity. In my case, I had it for my H and still have it. He does not seem to reciprocate although he is trying like hell in our current phase to convince me otherwise. I do not believe in staying together for the sake of the kids, honor, commitment or any of that. I DO believe in hanging in there until there is no hope left of working it all out, but the bottom line for me is, you stay and give it your all, but under an assumption that it represents your best potential mutual future happiness, and with the hope that the assumption is valid. I have a growing fear that my H is a classic narcissist who can never fulfill my needs, but I am trying to either dash that theory altogether or maximize the benefits so they are not outweighed by the costs. I have dealt with it for a dozen years so am certainly not just being frivolous with the vows, but if I cannot get through to him, I will eventually leave him. Typically when someone says they fell out of love, what they are really saying is that their definition of love comes from some giddy initial phase that has now passed for them and they don't know how to learn the work and rewards of true intimacy. "It don't feel as great as it did at first" is unfortunately a common rationale for bailing on a relationship. I've done it myself...but at this point in my life I know that most shiny things are common elements and not pure gold so I am not inclined to bail on any such shallow basis any more. But I think it takes time and experience to come to this...though there are admirable exceptions. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 When you are the one always giving and the other person is just busy sucking up all your air so you can't breathe and sucking all the joy out of living for you.........then it's time to give it away and leave, because it's never going to change. As Moose says in many, many threads, one's personal honor, our integrity it's of vital importance. I'll honor my vows, I'll do my best to be civil but I refuse to sit here and pretend I'm happy with our life together and that makes hubby most unhappy. Sex? he's made it really clear he's not interested, not with me at any rate though he'll service me when I ask, as long as I don't ask often.. so there's no sex. Money? Every dime that comes in I earn.. and every bill has my name on it, after my dependents needs are met there's little to nothing left over for me. Shared interests? none emotional support? frankly he doesn't give a rat's arse how I feel or how my day was.. just as long as there's no situation or condition that could potentially stop my paycheck.He asks how my day was he gets told "fine" end of story. I can go 3 days without speaking more than 100 words to hubby and I'm okay with that at this point. I'm not okay with being told to "smile, look happy" I'm tired with his constant attempts to give me chaste grandma hugs and kisses. I'm not getting any of my needs met, I'm weary of fighting about it and have resigned myself to the fact that this is how it is.. all I ask now is to be basically left alone. We are roomates plain and simple.If I feel like talking or being social well, that's what my friends are for. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 As Moose says in many, many threads, one's personal honor, our integrity it's of vital importance. I'll honor my vows, I'll do my best to be civil but I refuse to sit here and pretend I'm happy with our life together and that makes hubby most unhappy. Sex? he's made it really clear he's not interested, not with me at any rate though he'll service me when I ask, as long as I don't ask often.. so there's no sex. Money? Every dime that comes in I earn.. and every bill has my name on it, after my dependents needs are met there's little to nothing left over for me. Shared interests? none emotional support? frankly he doesn't give a rat's arse how I feel or how my day was.. just as long as there's no situation or condition that could potentially stop my paycheck.He asks how my day was he gets told "fine" end of story. I can go 3 days without speaking more than 100 words to hubby and I'm okay with that at this point. I'm not okay with being told to "smile, look happy" I'm tired with his constant attempts to give me chaste grandma hugs and kisses. I'm not getting any of my needs met, I'm weary of fighting about it and have resigned myself to the fact that this is how it is.. all I ask now is to be basically left alone. We are roomates plain and simple.If I feel like talking or being social well, that's what my friends are for. That's not a life...it's an existence Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 That's not a life...it's an existence What I'm trying to do now is to meet my needs for social contact and fun from within my circle of friends. I plan activities to do solo or with friends. I no longer count on my husband to go anywhere with me and to be truthful prefer it that way, I don't get to sit there in weird silence every time a pretty young woman crosses our path and he's got to give her the twice over. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 What I'm trying to do now is to meet my needs for social contact and fun from within my circle of friends. I plan activities to do solo or with friends. I no longer count on my husband to go anywhere with me and to be truthful prefer it that way, I don't get to sit there in weird silence every time a pretty young woman crosses our path and he's got to give her the twice over. SS, all I can say is , rather you than me......I refuse to live the life God has given me that way......... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 As I sit here contemplating the fact that I will probably never have sex ever again and that there is no passion,joy or even fun to be had in my marriage and all that remains is most likely 30 years of duty and responsibility while honoring my vows I have to say I agree with you. ah, but you're assuming a near-sexless/sexless marriage has no passion or joy! There are so many ways you can keep the passion and romance alive, and work your way around the fact that Tab A isn't available to insert into Slot B. You have to rethink the parameters of your expectations, and you have to be creative. however, if your primary concern is screwing your partner, I say why bother getting married when you can have as much sex as you want, from as many people as you want, as a single. Because in that case, marriage is a waste of time and energy when you refuse to adjust to challenges thrown your way when Mr. Happy takes a serious fall. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 out of curiosity, how many of the posters here who say that a lack of sex in a marriage can never be an option are actually married? For how long? For argument's sake, we'll just limit it to those who have fairly normal relationships to begin with, because those with serious problems are a whole other ball of wax ... Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 As I sit here contemplating the fact that I will probably never have sex ever again and that there is no passion,joy or even fun to be had in my marriage and all that remains is most likely 30 years of duty and responsibility while honoring my vows I have to say I agree with you. ah, but you're assuming a near-sexless/sexless marriage has no passion or joy! There are so many ways you can keep the passion and romance alive, and work your way around the fact that Tab A isn't available to insert into Slot B. You have to rethink the parameters of your expectations, and you have to be creative. however, if your primary concern is screwing your partner, I say why bother getting married when you can have as much sex as you want, from as many people as you want, as a single. Because in that case, marriage is a waste of time and energy when you refuse to adjust to challenges thrown your way when Mr. Happy takes a serious fall. ok, my husband has made it clear that he finds me "too old" to arouse him sexually, the sight of my nude body and aging face repulses him.He's NOT interested in any kind of sexual exchange with me. Sorry but I can't find any passion or joy in that, the best I can manage is to honor my vows, to continue paying all the bills. I have altered my expectations Quankanne, I now expect NOTHING and just pray I die sooner rather than later, till death do us part can't come soon enough for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 out of curiosity, how many of the posters here who say that a lack of sex in a marriage can never be an option are actually married? For how long? For argument's sake, we'll just limit it to those who have fairly normal relationships to begin with, because those with serious problems are a whole other ball of wax ...Well, I can't say that. Sex in our marriage is a roller coaster, but I've learned to adjust and cater to her needs just as much as she has for me.....we're good with that... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I have altered my expectations Quankanne, I now expect NOTHING and just pray I die sooner rather than later, till death do us part can't come soon enough for me. I do feel for you, because what you've described is a sucky kind of way to live. Which is why I wrote the disclaimer about "otherwise healthy marriage" partners replying. a thought here: You could do what one 'Shacker keeps talking about ... poke him in the head with a sharpened fork. That might provide an attitude adjustment ... or merely alleviate your frustrations! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 out of curiosity, how many of the posters here who say that a lack of sex in a marriage can never be an option are actually married? For how long? For argument's sake, we'll just limit it to those who have fairly normal relationships to begin with, because those with serious problems are a whole other ball of wax ... I am. Thirteen years. But I never really said it "can't" be an option...just that it shouldn't (if there's nothing medically wrong with either party.) Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Sex in our marriage is a roller coaster, but I've learned to adjust and cater to her needs just as much as she has for me. and that's all anyone can ask for, to allow for adjustment, because that keeps the hope of a fully loving relationship alive, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 and that's all anyone can ask for, to allow for adjustment, because that keeps the hope of a fully loving relationship alive, you know?You betchya! Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 ok, my husband has made it clear that he finds me "too old" to arouse him sexually, the sight of my nude body and aging face repulses him.He's NOT interested in any kind of sexual exchange with me. Sorry but I can't find any passion or joy in that, the best I can manage is to honor my vows, to continue paying all the bills. I have altered my expectations Quankanne, I now expect NOTHING and just pray I die sooner rather than later, till death do us part can't come soon enough for me. Gawd how old are you SS? That is somewhat rhetorical I don't expect a real number but I can't imagine his thinking if he is in same age range...sure, guys look at younger women but to actually say what he has to you...is nothing short of cruel. And for it to be true shows what a shallow ass he is. Mind you, I can relate to the feeling if a SO lets themselves go entirely, gains (or loses) tons of weight, or smells bad, or whatever is a turn off...we all have limits to what we can be attracted to and are kidding ourselves if we say otherwise. A few extra years or pounds should not have that much of an effect on his libido though You sound seriously depressed and that is entirely understandable. The situation you are in is not conducive to your self-care...I strongly encourage you to focus on your own happiness and seek help from friends or therapy or whatever might work to get you through this to a brighter side. Which sounds as though it would include getting out of this marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
angryyoungman70 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 out of curiosity, how many of the posters here who say that a lack of sex in a marriage can never be an option are actually married? For how long? For argument's sake, we'll just limit it to those who have fairly normal relationships to begin with, because those with serious problems are a whole other ball of wax ... Together for 18 years, married for 14 years. No medical reasons, she simply is not into sex. As a result, I'm on antidepressants. Link to post Share on other sites
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