Noone else to talk to

[pamela1]

I've been married for about 5 years. In that time I've gone from a size 6 to a 12. I know that I've gained weight. We have alot of parties and the food and drinking has really packed it on me.

 

My husband has recently told me that the reason that we don't have sex (for months at a time) is because my weight bothers him and I don't turn him on anymore.

 

I can't tell you how deep this cut into my soul. I've started purging if I overeat and mostly eating not very much.

 

I feel so tired and feel very badly.

 

I'm sorry, I'm probably not typing very clearly. I didn't want to tell anyone that I know. I love my husband more than anything, but lately, I just want to hide from him. I don't want for him to see me. I'm upset if he walks in when I'm bathing or dressing. I want to hide my body from him.

 

I'm so unhappy now. I would rather puke everyday and not gain weight than have him not want me sexually. He says that he loves me, but I don't feel that he does. I don't feel anything really.

 

I don't really have a question. I just wanted to vent and tell someone what was going on. Any well wishes, dieting tips or similar stories would be appreciated. I'll be eagerly reading responses. Thank you if you read all of this.

[quankanne]

your husband is being a jackass, plain and simple. You could be incapacitated, you could be caught up in some horrific disease, you could be suffering from a chronic illness … and all he can think about is a bit of weight gain? That's what 30 pounds, tops?

 

see here, pamela, you and I both know that you are capable of losing that small amount of weight with a sensible diet and exercise plan, but once you do, he'll still be saying jerkish things. And you really need to call him on that, making you feel shtty for putting on a few pounds, because he'll get it into his head that whenever you're "displeasing" him, all he has to do is mention your weight. Don't fall for that crap, you deserve much better than that, but you won't get it if you don't let him in on it, you know?

 

as for feeling bad(ly), you're probably in a mild funk, and understandably so. Best thing you can do is to stop letting his words be responsible for your self-esteem. Yes, you want to be attractive to the man you love, but if he can't see past the obvious, he's a jackass. And you can tell him Quank said so

 

this man is NOT worth you developing an eating disorder over. Especially when you've probably stood by his side over HIS lesser qualities.

 

don't do this to yourself, honey, don't sell yourself short because he's choosing to be insensitive.

[Ladyjane14]

If you weren't married... would you take that kind of crap off a guy???

[quankanne]

another thought: lose the weight sensibly, then give him the cold shoulder when Mr. Happy comes a-knocking. And let him know that he doesn't deserve your hoo-hoo after being such a jackass, that you can't bring yourself to boink him because ... well, because he's lacking something. Stupid game, I know, and I shouldn't be advising this, but dammit, it makes me mad when people pull the weight card when they ought to try to be understanding and positive about helping you achieve a goal!

[mopar crazy]

I totally understand where you are coming from and I am sorry he is making you feel so bad. My H doesn't turn me down for sex b/c of my weight but I do get tired of hearing how I need to loose 30lbs.

 

This is what I would do and it's probably wrong but it just the way I am. When he does decide he wants sex (and he will) tell him when he actually grows a dick you will have sex w/ him.

 

This pisses me off for you. Just b/c you aren't a size 6 anymore doesn't mean he should be treating you like crap. He should be happy w/ you no matter what size you are. And a 12 is NOT fat!

 

My H has gained more weight than I have since we got M but I still want to have sex w/ him b/c I want to be near him, and please him, and well, I love sex.

 

 

Your H is being an a$$!

[pamela1]

Thank you all for replying. Usually I wouldn't put up with this kind of thing. I guess I just feel badly because I feel fat. A part of me feels that maybe he is right. Maybe I am gross. I've tried to talk to him about it and he says that I should get over it.

 

He says that he is overweight too and he just had to say enough is enough for both of us. However, for me, it isn't that simple. I feel horrible and inadequate. It would be one thing if he encouraged me and we still had sex, but it is quite another to feel critized and lonely.

 

He does so many other nice things for me. This is the only area where we are having trouble.

[D-Lish]

Hey Hun, I know how badly you must feel about what your husband has said. Going about losing weight through the purging method is the wrong way to go about this.

 

I developed an eating disorder in my early 30's because my ex husbands mother used to critizise my weight. I'm 5'7 and I had normally been about 130 for most of my adult life... I got up to about 150 at one point in our marriage and she really got on my case with her insults. It stressed me out to the point where I simply stopped eating. We proceeded to a divorce following that (he cheated), and I subsequently lost more than 50 lbs. I was always self conscious of my body- especially as a teen... but having someone validate my worst personal insecurity sent me into a really dangerous state of mind. I got as low as 95lbs for a time, and I still felt like I had to lose more at that time.

 

I don't want you to lose perspective the way I did. The purging will play havoc on your body. Diet and exercise is the only way to go about losing weight... and you have to do so moderately- no more than 2-3 lbs a week.

 

A size 12 isn't a big size! Does your husband even recognize that his words have prompted you to throw up? He's partaking in the drinking and dinner parties himself! If he truly wants to help, he needs to offer you support and his unconditional love.

 

I know how deeply words can affect a person. I was so messed up by my monster-in-law's comments that I used to stare in the mirror at 95lbs and think I had to lose more. But I implore you not to play around with your health like this.

 

Just the fact that you are purging makes me worry about you. I'd talk to your husband about what you've been doing behind closed doors and ask him to support you in making a lifestyle change... Maybe that starts with both of you giving up the drinking and dinner party lifestyle for a while.

 

If you want to lose weight- don't turn to a fad diet, weight loss pills, starving yourself, or binging and purging behaviour.

 

I think there is a kind way to talk to your partner about your health- and there is a cruel way- your husband chose a cruel way. I feel for you- I know how damaging that kind of criticism can be. But I really want you to think about a healthier way of going about this.

[openingup]

Wow, I'm sorry you're hurting so badly. I empathize completely. I've been gaining and losing the same 20 pounds my entire adult life and know what a difference it makes to a person's self-esteem to be at the high or low end of their range.

 

Everyone's body is different, and losing unwanted pounds can be a bigger psychological issue than a physical one. That said, the only way I ever lost weight for a significant period of time was to cut out refined sugar and white flour, which are bad for you in any case. The usual suspects pack it on me every time: baked goods like doughnuts, cookies and good bread. It's hard to give them up, but it really does help.

 

Also, kicking your good-for-nothing husband's *** sideways might help, too. Just sayin' . . .

[whichwayisup]

Start walking together, join a gym, or a club then you two can play tennis or squash as a couple. A good workout and it's for you two to be alone.

 

Exercise is one thing, but changing eating habits are another, this is something you both can encourage eachother about and hopefully eat healthier and less portions.

 

As for your self esteem - Speak someone about this because it's obvious too that your H is not helping. He should be loving and supportive, reguardless of your weight!

[Enema]

He can't help the way he feels... It's not like he can convince himself to find you attractive because he "should".

 

I respect him for being honest about it. Doesn't sound like he's made any demands or ultimatums, just told it like it is.

 

It's up to you to decide if losing the weight is something you're prepared to do. If not, then you should both move on.

 

Not eating, or throwing up is the worst way you could possibly do it (aside from meth!). Everyone knows they need to eat healthier and exercise... there's no way around it if you want to lose weight.

[reddog63]

your husband is being a jackass, plain and simple. You could be incapacitated, you could be caught up in some horrific disease, you could be suffering from a chronic illness … and all he can think about is a bit of weight gain? That's what 30 pounds, tops?

 

see here, pamela, you and I both know that you are capable of losing that small amount of weight with a sensible diet and exercise plan, but once you do, he'll still be saying jerkish things. And you really need to call him on that, making you feel shtty for putting on a few pounds, because he'll get it into his head that whenever you're "displeasing" him, all he has to do is mention your weight. Don't fall for that crap, you deserve much better than that, but you won't get it if you don't let him in on it, you know?

 

as for feeling bad(ly), you're probably in a mild funk, and understandably so. Best thing you can do is to stop letting his words be responsible for your self-esteem. Yes, you want to be attractive to the man you love, but if he can't see past the obvious, he's a jackass. And you can tell him Quank said so

 

this man is NOT worth you developing an eating disorder over. Especially when you've probably stood by his side over HIS lesser qualities.

 

don't do this to yourself, honey, don't sell yourself short because he's choosing to be insensitive.

 

 

Why in the @#$#$@#$ world is this guy a Jackass?????? Because he doesnt feel attracted to his wife because she has gained a lot of weight???

 

Do you have balls??? Are you a man?? Is your favorite show Oprah?? Well, guess what........one of men's top needs is attraction. So you crucify him because he tells the truth? Was he not suppose to be honest or is he evil because he feels that way????

 

Size 6 to size 12........I have no idea how much weight that is..........if it was 15 or 20 pounds.........that is one thing.........if it is alot, say 30+.......that is alot. What about 70lbs? Or 120? When would it bother you? At what weight would you still be attracted and would there be a weight when even you would be honest and say you do not find your wife physcially attractive.

 

To the original poster. Do not dwell in misery........exercise and eat better..........and again, not sure how much weight your talking about.........purging is no answer and you know that. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and work at it.

[superheroWife]

I grew up around my father always calling my mom horrible fat names and my mom therefore having an eating disorder for a very long time. i ended up having an eating disorder. I am ok now. but I understand the damage this can do. it was very painful to watch my mom go through it.

 

when my own husband commented how i should stop eating cookies onto my 110lb frame (I'm only 5') i snapped at him to make sure it would never ever become a problem. Men are jackasses. i am learning this more and more with marriage.

 

i have also learned that we cannot LET them treat us badly.

 

the best advice i have (I'm a massage therapist going to school for holistic nutrition) is to focus on yourself. take this time to build up yourself. do not spend the energy hating yourself or hating him. spend your energy POSITIVEly, eating right (cut out ALL proccessed foods, dairy, white sugar, and flour if possible), exercising daily, and kicking butt. give yourself messages of love.

 

eating disorders make it seem like there will be progress, but you are doing damage to your body and you are actually SLOWING down your metabolism. it takes time, but eat 6 meals a day, smaller and smarter. eat REAL food. and tell your husband to shut the hell up.

 

masturbate. you dont need him. yes, I'm being blunt. but its true. go get yourself a vibrator and dont shy away from the skin your in.. accept it for what it is. accept yourself and be honest. then you can move productively from there on.

 

one of the best revenges a woman can have is looking sexy... and then once you get there you may realize that your better off without him. just focus on yourself. build your self-confidence and everything else will follow.

 

take the lead from other women like Susan Powter who had that bleached buzz cut, who was the 'housewife who finally got smart'.

 

We are women, hear us roar.

 

be strong. ; )

[blair08]

I would say, exercise, develop better eating habits, etc, and if you lose some weight, that is wonderful and it might make you feel alot better too.

 

Then after all that and once you have lost some weight, if your H is still complaining then you have a deeper issue going on.

[SunnySideUp]

to the OP

 

I agree with Enema that your H was just being honest, but he definitely could have told you in a gentler way. The part that makes me think you two have more problems going on is the way he said to you to "get over it". To me that speaks volumes of a lack of respect going on in your marriage. Have you two ever seen a counselor? I think even the healthiest relationships can become more fulfilling with just a little bit of counseling, and that the smallest problems can be resolved before causing deeper issues with the perspective of someone who can give an objective view on your marriage.

 

As far as not having sex because of your weight, I think you need to make a couple decisions. If you want to lose weight, that's great if doing so would bring back your sex life. If it doesn't, there might be other issues involved that are making your husband not want sex. If you don't want to lose weight or can't lose weight, you have to make a decision whether or not you want to stay in a sexless marriage. Personally, I would not be able to put up with that. You have to realize that not everyone thinks like your husband and you could probably find someone else who would be comfortable with your weight.

[reddog63]

I grew up around my father always calling my mom horrible fat names and my mom therefore having an eating disorder for a very long time. i ended up having an eating disorder. I am ok now. but I understand the damage this can do. it was very painful to watch my mom go through it.

 

when my own husband commented how i should stop eating cookies onto my 110lb frame (I'm only 5') i snapped at him to make sure it would never ever become a problem. Men are jackasses. i am learning this more and more with marriage.

 

i have also learned that we cannot LET them treat us badly.

 

the best advice i have (I'm a massage therapist going to school for holistic nutrition) is to focus on yourself. take this time to build up yourself. do not spend the energy hating yourself or hating him. spend your energy POSITIVEly, eating right (cut out ALL proccessed foods, dairy, white sugar, and flour if possible), exercising daily, and kicking butt. give yourself messages of love.

 

eating disorders make it seem like there will be progress, but you are doing damage to your body and you are actually SLOWING down your metabolism. it takes time, but eat 6 meals a day, smaller and smarter. eat REAL food. and tell your husband to shut the hell up.

 

masturbate. you dont need him. yes, I'm being blunt. but its true. go get yourself a vibrator and dont shy away from the skin your in.. accept it for what it is. accept yourself and be honest. then you can move productively from there on.

 

one of the best revenges a woman can have is looking sexy... and then once you get there you may realize that your better off without him. just focus on yourself. build your self-confidence and everything else will follow.

 

take the lead from other women like Susan Powter who had that bleached buzz cut, who was the 'housewife who finally got smart'.

 

We are women, hear us roar.

 

be strong. ; )

 

You are using examples that I believe do not fit the norm. Of course no man should complain about a 110 pound woman eating cookies. And the spouse should try to discuss the subject as delicately as possible.

 

But for the husband who has 120 pound wife when married and hits up towards 200 pounds or so..........for those husbands........are they jackasses too?

 

What was your mothers eating disorder?? If it was medical, sure, common sense would say it is out of her control. But again, most times this is not the case. It is lack of exercise and eating to much.

 

These situations are a no win situation for the man. He is suppose to ignore the fact and love her for the way she is on the inside. Bull Sh_t!

 

Best revenge hah? if she was getting back into the dating seen she would do it, but not for her current husband. So you can lure another guy in so you can get fat again.

 

I would think the same if it were a fat husband and wife in shape. Spouses owe it to there partner to be in "decent" shape.

[Ladyjane14]

He is suppose to ignore the fact and love her for the way she is on the inside.

 

Yeah... he's supposed to love her for who she is on the inside. Our bodies are imperfect vessels, subject to aging, disease, and maiming. If he doesn't love her as a person... he's not trustworthy for the long haul.

 

Sorry, but if this was a woman withholding sex... for ANY reason... you guys would be flipping. But since you can tie it into a weight issue, it's okay to bash.

 

 

If it was me... I'd bring home a cheesecake and a bottle of champagne, request some marital satisfaction, and dare him to say 'boo' about it.

 

Frankly, he's lucky you haven't already given him the boot and taken to f*cking his buddies just to prove your point.

[Ladyjane14]

 

Size 6 to size 12........I have no idea how much weight that is..........

 

Well, let me help you with that then.

According to Snopes, Marilyn Monroe would be about a size 12 in today's dress sizes.

http://www.snopes.com/movies/actors/mmdress.asp

 

So, what we're supposed to believe is that Marilyn Monroe is basically 'unf*ckable' by today's standards. C'mon.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yeah... he's supposed to love her for who she is on the inside. Our bodies are imperfect vessels, subject to aging, disease, and maiming. If he doesn't love her as a person... he's not trustworthy for the long haul.

 

Sorry, but if this was a woman withholding sex... for ANY reason... you guys would be flipping. But since you can tie it into a weight issue, it's okay to bash.

But Ladyjane, is this just about our bodies? There is a bigger question in here, specifically how we view our commitment to our partner and the relationship that binds us. Let's say the issue here was not about her and her weight, but about him. What if he simply stopped working and making his financial contribution to their support and fiscal well-being? Wouldn't many here be quick to label him lazy and a bad partner? I don't think that it would be excused if we could say he was still the same person "on the inside"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[reddog63]

Yeah... he's supposed to love her for who she is on the inside. Our bodies are imperfect vessels, subject to aging, disease, and maiming. If he doesn't love her as a person... he's not trustworthy for the long haul.

 

Sorry, but if this was a woman withholding sex... for ANY reason... you guys would be flipping. But since you can tie it into a weight issue, it's okay to bash.

 

 

If it was me... I'd bring home a cheesecake and a bottle of champagne, request some marital satisfaction, and dare him to say 'boo' about it.

 

Frankly, he's lucky you haven't already given him the boot and taken to f*cking his buddies just to prove your point.

 

"My husband has recently told me that the reason that we don't have sex (for months at a time) is because my weight bothers him and I don't turn him on anymore."

 

You are not hearing hubbys side. Maybe he tried for years to get her to loose weight. We have not heard his side. But forget that, say this guy is a jerk.

 

Say your husband ballons up to 350 lbs..........you would not be put off by it?? Have less sex because of it?? Yes, sure you might still love him but you can not be honest and tell me it would not effect your sex life?? If you lovingly tried to help him, make suggestions, offer to watch the kids..........and the years go by and no progress...........any resentment??

 

Alright........lets talk about financial responsiblity..........your husband likes to spend money. He buys new gadgets all the time. You constantly tell him not to.....but their is not changing him. Now......obviously you worry about your finances........you have a need not to fall way into debt.......no matter how much you talk about it, he is spending too much money.

 

ok............is your need regarding finances valid? But not his need for attractive wife? Read the marriage builders site.........read his needs and her needs.........they list the top needs of men and women.

 

So, because men have attraction at the top of their list, it makes them pigs?

 

You say that our bodies are imperfect vessels subject to aging, etc.........Sure, that is obvious. But how does that compare to eating way to much and no exercise.

 

Some women who have a baby will make it a priority to get back in shape. Many let themselves go.

[GreenEyedLady]

I don't think the H was being a jackass either.

 

We don't know the words he said. We read what she "heard".

 

He was being honest.

 

OP:

 

If you want to lose weight, you need to restrict your calories, eat healthy foods and exercise. Do at least 3 hours of cardio a week, more if you want to lose weight quicker. Don't eat less than 1200 calories a day. Choose whole wheat bread, cut out mayonaise, add lots of fruits and veggies to your diet. Cut out the alcohol until you've lost 1/2 the amount of weight you want to lose. And when you're out, just make good choices. I always try and eat 1/2 of what's on the plate. If you want chips, put a serving size on your plate instead of eating out of the bag/bowl. That way you know how much you're consuming.

 

Consider it a healthy lifestyle change for you. Bingeing and purging is not healthy.

 

I was in a very unhealthy M and when I went through my divorce, I lost a lot weight doing what I wrote above. I'm a size 3 now (I'm also petite) but I've kept it off for 5 years now. Don't consider it a diet. Consider it a lifestyle. It'll change your entire mindset.

 

Good luck!

[Ladyjane14]

But Ladyjane, is this just about our bodies? There is a bigger question in here, specifically how we view our commitment to our partner and the relationship that binds us. Let's say the issue here was not about her and her weight, but about him. What if he simply stopped working and making his financial contribution to their support and fiscal well-being? Wouldn't many here be quick to label him lazy and a bad partner? I don't think that it would be excused if we could say he was still the same person "on the inside"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah, there is a bigger issue here... and it is EXACTLY about how we view our commitment to our partner and marriage. This woman is NOT a big bull moose. She's a Size 12. And she's weeping and changing clothes in the closet. Where is HIS commitment??

Because unless it's in his pants, he doesn't seem to have any.

 

Would it be alright for her to WITHHOLD sex and affection if his hair fell out, or his leg was amputated? No. That's part of life. (And before you tell me that fat is within our realm of personal control, be prepared to prove that she isn't genetically predisposed to be a natural Size 12. Again, we're not talking bull moose.)

 

Say your husband ballons up to 350 lbs..........you would not be put off by it?? Have less sex because of it?? Yes, sure you might still love him but you can not be honest and tell me it would not effect your sex life?? If you lovingly tried to help him, make suggestions, offer to watch the kids..........and the years go by and no progress...........any resentment??

 

And once more... Size 12 does not equal "Bull Moose".

 

So, because men have attraction at the top of their list, it makes them pigs?

 

If it's on the very top of their list, ahead of hurt feelings and good self-esteem... then yeah, we're talking pig.

 

Some women who have a baby will make it a priority to get back in shape. Many let themselves go.

 

And some men like a little curve to their woman so they don't feel like they're taking a teenaged boy to bed.

And some men take into consideration how they'd like their mothers, daughters, sisters, and grandmas to be treated within a loving relationship and then they behave accordingly.

 

Seriously, would you let a man put that kind of crap on your daughter?.. or your sister?

 

Frankly, this young lady's only got five years in. If she doesn't have kids to think about, I think she'd be wise to cut bait. Life is long... hopefully. And alot of sh*t goes down in the process of it. The guy she's with is such a princess that "Marilyn Monroe" isn't good enough for him.

 

Altogether, it just seems small cause to be put off sex.

I think if it was me, I'd be looking through the detail records of his cell phone usage, checking his computer, going through the bank statements, etc.... just to make sure he's not messing around. If he's on the up and up, maybe a serum testosterone check might be in order.

[openingup]

But Ladyjane, is this just about our bodies? There is a bigger question in here, specifically how we view our commitment to our partner and the relationship that binds us. Let's say the issue here was not about her and her weight, but about him. What if he simply stopped working and making his financial contribution to their support and fiscal well-being? Wouldn't many here be quick to label him lazy and a bad partner? I don't think that it would be excused if we could say he was still the same person "on the inside"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

WHAT?! Umm, 1950's calling, we've lost a citizen. So your point is that a woman's contribution to a marriage is being pretty and sexy and a man's is to bring home the bacon? Her gaining weight and his being unemployed are somehow equivalent?

 

Mr. Lucky, you say? Yeah, lucky any woman in the 21st century talks to you, let alone anything else.

[Order & Chaos]

You are using examples that I believe do not fit the norm. Of course no man should complain about a 110 pound woman eating cookies. And the spouse should try to discuss the subject as delicately as possible.

 

But for the husband who has 120 pound wife when married and hits up towards 200 pounds or so..........for those husbands........are they jackasses too?

 

What was your mothers eating disorder?? If it was medical, sure, common sense would say it is out of her control. But again, most times this is not the case. It is lack of exercise and eating to much.

 

These situations are a no win situation for the man. He is suppose to ignore the fact and love her for the way she is on the inside. Bull Sh_t!

 

Best revenge hah? if she was getting back into the dating seen she would do it, but not for her current husband. So you can lure another guy in so you can get fat again.

 

I would think the same if it were a fat husband and wife in shape. Spouses owe it to there partner to be in "decent" shape.

 

Actually research is showing that eating disorders do have a generic component to them as well as a nurture aspect. If you grow up in a household where food is "bad", "temptation", etc then you will grow up viewing food in the same manners, thusly food takes on more than just the what we need to survive.

 

My mother was a complusive eater, my siblings and I have all had some sort of eating disorder, most being some degree of anorexia with myself being the worst. It is a disease (and it is a disease) that is tied to Type A personalities. Usually the "peace maker" of the family.

 

OP- You need to talk to someone about this. I also recc reading "The Ophelia Complex". Eating disorders are like alcoholism, it will be something you will deal with for the rest of your life. You need to understand the emotional patterns on why you do it and how to create new patterns.

[reddog63]

WHAT?! Umm, 1950's calling, we've lost a citizen. So your point is that a woman's contribution to a marriage is being pretty and sexy and a man's is to bring home the bacon? Her gaining weight and his being unemployed are somehow equivalent?

 

Mr. Lucky, you say? Yeah, lucky any woman in the 21st century talks to you, let alone anything else.

 

 

You know what point he was making.........dont be so ignorant.

[Mr. Lucky]

Would it be alright for her to WITHHOLD sex and affection if his hair fell out, or his leg was amputated? No. That's part of life. (And before you tell me that fat is within our realm of personal control, be prepared to prove that she isn't genetically predisposed to be a natural Size 12. Again, we're not talking bull moose.)

Ladyjane, we could play "what if" from now til the cows come home. I guess based on your approach, you don't bother saving for retirement. What if you were struck by lightning? What if you stepped off a curb and got hit by a bus? What if....?

 

This was about a specific issue which, simply put, is "Does a person in a relationship have the right to expect that their partner is going to hold themselves to a certain standard of appearance"?

 

I feel strongly that that answer is yes...

 

Mr. Lucky