Noone else to talk to

[Mr. Lucky]

WHAT?! Umm, 1950's calling, we've lost a citizen. So your point is that a woman's contribution to a marriage is being pretty and sexy and a man's is to bring home the bacon? Her gaining weight and his being unemployed are somehow equivalent?

 

Mr. Lucky, you say? Yeah, lucky any woman in the 21st century talks to you, let alone anything else.

 

First off, you imply incorrectly that I said that those two qualities - a woman's appearance and a man's earning power - are their only contribution to marriage. If you'll reread what I posted, you'll see that's not what I said.

 

However, I do believe that any woman that works hard to keep herself "pretty and sexy" has indeed made a substantial contribution to her marriage. Same with any man that works hard to "bring home the bacon". And that was just as true in 1950 as it is today ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kivabeach]

I dont think your hubby is a jackass.

 

My question is...do YOU feel good about your body? Before he told you he wasn't attracted to you anymore, were you feeling good about yourself?

 

I dont want to be harsh, but it is YOUR body, and YOUR responsibility to take care of it. Purging is NO GOOD AT ALL.

 

I never feel good about myself when I gain too much weight. But when you noticed your size 6 going to an 8, then 10, why didnt you do something about it then? When i gain just 5 pounds, I can see it very clearly on me. I instantly do something about it. I cut out alcohol, or refined sugar and definately work out. My heaviest was at 140 and I nearly had a heart attack when I realized it (i was travelling abroad for 2 months and came back 20 pounds heavier!!!!) The first thing I did was cry. Then i got a gym membership, and changed my diet. 3 months later, I was the thinnest i'd ever been...117. I again went to 130 a year later and then did the same thing. 8 weeks afterwards, I;m down to a 123 which is normal for me. 117 was too thin, and too hard to maintan.

 

But you do need to take responsibility for yourself. Your hubby was insensitive, but I dont think you should with hold sex from him because he was being honest. Mind games, or any relationship games do no a marriage make. My suggestion is to tell him how that made you feel, and that you agree that you could lose a few pounds and that you appreciate his support and encouragement. Once those punds start coming off the healthy way, you will gain confidence and be super motivated.

 

Good Luck!!

[angie2443]

I've been married for about 5 years. In that time I've gone from a size 6 to a 12. I know that I've gained weight. We have alot of parties and the food and drinking has really packed it on me.

 

My husband has recently told me that the reason that we don't have sex (for months at a time) is because my weight bothers him and I don't turn him on anymore.

 

I can't tell you how deep this cut into my soul. I've started purging if I overeat and mostly eating not very much.

 

I feel so tired and feel very badly.

 

I'm sorry, I'm probably not typing very clearly. I didn't want to tell anyone that I know. I love my husband more than anything, but lately, I just want to hide from him. I don't want for him to see me. I'm upset if he walks in when I'm bathing or dressing. I want to hide my body from him.

 

I'm so unhappy now. I would rather puke everyday and not gain weight than have him not want me sexually. He says that he loves me, but I don't feel that he does. I don't feel anything really.

 

I don't really have a question. I just wanted to vent and tell someone what was going on. Any well wishes, dieting tips or similar stories would be appreciated. I'll be eagerly reading responses. Thank you if you read all of this.

 

Why are you with this man?? I say, step back from your marriage and make a list of pros and cons. Right now the cons seem to be pretty strong. What would happen if you left your husband?

[angie2443]

But Ladyjane, is this just about our bodies? There is a bigger question in here, specifically how we view our commitment to our partner and the relationship that binds us. Let's say the issue here was not about her and her weight, but about him. What if he simply stopped working and making his financial contribution to their support and fiscal well-being? Wouldn't many here be quick to label him lazy and a bad partner? I don't think that it would be excused if we could say he was still the same person "on the inside"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This does sound like your saying that a woman's value in the marriage is her looks. What happens when that fades, as it does for us all? Does the man get to go bald, get a beer gut, and that is fine? I just don't see the same standard applied to men.

[Ladyjane14]

Ladyjane, we could play "what if" from now til the cows come home. I guess based on your approach, you don't bother saving for retirement. What if you were struck by lightning? What if you stepped off a curb and got hit by a bus? What if....?

 

This was about a specific issue which, simply put, is "Does a person in a relationship have the right to expect that their partner is going to hold themselves to a certain standard of appearance"?

 

I feel strongly that that answer is yes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You didn't answer my question though... if his hair falls out or his leg drops off, and she's not attracted to 'bald amputees'... should she withhold sex??? Should she tell him that he's no longer sexually attractive from her POV?

 

You know, we're very careful not to emasculate our men when it comes to the bedroom. But telling a woman she's too fat... particularly when she doesn't meet the standard criteria for obesity, is tantamount to telling a guy his d*ck is too tiny.

 

This woman's husband has committed an unnecessary cruelty.

He didn't just gently point out that she's put on a few pounds; he withdrew physical affection. That's not love, man.

[OpenBook]

This does sound like your saying that a woman's value in the marriage is her looks. What happens when that fades, as it does for us all? Does the man get to go bald, get a beer gut, and that is fine? I just don't see the same standard applied to men.

 

That's because it's NOT applied to them. Their standard is to bring home the bacon. And they'll gladly hold up their end of the bargain as long as their W's stay slim, attractive and young. Oh, what's that you've noticed - the income that the W is also bringing home?? Uh, never mind that. It's not the same thing.

[SunnySideUp]

this is all sounding a little extreme... is anyone playing Devil's advocate?

 

We have to admit that men and women do have different needs and are different. This isn't the 1960's. We can't pretend that men and women are exactly the same, especially in relationships.

[angie2443]

I was in a very unhealthy M and when I went through my divorce, I lost a lot weight doing what I wrote above. I'm a size 3 now (I'm also petite) but I've kept it off for 5 years now. Don't consider it a diet. Consider it a lifestyle. It'll change your entire mindset.

Good luck!

 

Yet another reason for the OP to leave her husband!

[Mr. Lucky]

You didn't answer my question though... if his hair falls out or his leg drops off, and she's not attracted to 'bald amputees'... should she withhold sex??? Should she tell him that he's no longer sexually attractive from her POV?

Nor did you answer mine . Do we "owe" our mate the best effort we can make to stay fit, healthy and attractive?

 

Your theory seems to be that since something like say...accidental leg amputation could occur, then there's no reason to expect an effort to maintain any other parts of our body. I don't agree that the best wat to test the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows is to intentionally make ourselves unhealthy and sick. Seems ill-advised and self-defeating.

 

The OP's husband is wrong to withhold sex. But he's right to tell her how he feels, albeit in a more tactful way. Marriage is not a license to pursue any course one chooses and then turn to your mate and state "Well you did say, for better or for worse". As you said, that's not love...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

I don't agree that the best wat to test the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows is to intentionally make ourselves unhealthy and sick. Seems ill-advised and self-defeating.

 

Size 12 is NOT "unhealthy and sick". As I said earlier, we have no way to prove that this isn't genetic predisposition and that Size 6 isn't the "unhealthy and sick" mode for this individual's particular body.

 

 

 

The OP's husband is wrong to withhold sex. But he's right to tell her how he feels, albeit in a more tactful way.

 

Now damn. Was that so hard? :p:p

[angie2443]

Your theory seems to be that since something like say...accidental leg amputation could occur, then there's no reason to expect an effort to maintain any other parts of our body. I don't agree that the best wat to test the "in sickness and in health" part of the vows is to intentionally make ourselves unhealthy and sick. Seems ill-advised and self-defeating.

 

Do you think the OP intentially made herself unhealthy and sick? Maybe I'm just reading this wrong. Anyways, I don't think a size 12 is unhealthy and sick. Maybe for a very small person, but for a woman of average size, a size 12 is just curvy.

[Jennifer26]

Oh honey, please don't resort to starving yourself or purging your food. As others have said, it is terrible for your body and in the end you will probably kill your metabolism.

 

If you want to lose weight, which I think you do by your comments about how you feel about yourself, do it in a healthier way.

 

I just had a baby in March, and I gained about 45lbs during the pregnancy. I started weight watchers strait away when I got home from the hospital and as soon as I could I began working out. I have lost all of that weight and am now aiming for another ten pounds I wanted to lose before I became pregnant.

 

I highly recommend trying out the weight watchers program. It doesn't limit what you can eat, it just encourages you to make healthier choices and limit your portions. And entering all of your food in a log really does help to get you on track.

 

I do think it is good that your husband was honest with you. But on the other hand, to withdrawal himself from you because of gaining some weight seems really crummy and the way he broached it with you was pretty insensitive.

 

I think if he'd said something like: Honey, we've both been putting on some weight and I would personally like to lose a few pounds and I know you have been feeling uncomfortable with yourself as well due to the fact you don't want to undress in front of me. Maybe we could start a gym membership and start making some healthier meals at home and be proactive together in this.

 

It would have been a much better way to approach this.

 

I know you must feel absolutely crushed right now. And I'm sure the thought of a weight loss program that will take you many months to shed the weight you've gained probably feels like too long to wait. Especially when your husband is withholding love from you.

 

But don't do this for him. Do it for YOU. And do it the right way so that it stays off and you change your lifestyle. And a size 12 is not huge, and I am sure you are very healthy. Go do some things that will make you feel good in the meantime as well. Get a manicure/pedicure, go to a salon and get your eyebrows waxed and your hair done nicely. Maybe a new outfit or even better some cute gym outfits.

 

Hang in there.

[Mr. Lucky]

Size 12 is NOT "unhealthy and sick". As I said earlier, we have no way to prove that this isn't genetic predisposition and that Size 6 isn't the "unhealthy and sick" mode for this individual's particular body

Do you think the OP intentially made herself unhealthy and sick? Maybe I'm just reading this wrong. Anyways, I don't think a size 12 is unhealthy and sick. Maybe for a very small person, but for a woman of average size, a size 12 is just curvy.

I'm going to guess that the change from a size 6 to a size 12 (maybe the OP can clear this up) is a weight gain of 40-50 lbs. Do you feel that's a "healthy" weight change in 5 years? What if 5 more years went by and another 50 lbs was gained? While I don't agree with how the OP's husband went about this, at some point - for both of their sakes - something would have to be said...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

I'm going to guess that the change from a size 6 to a size 12 (maybe the OP can clear this up) is a weight gain of 40-50 lbs. Do you feel that's a "healthy" weight change in 5 years? What if 5 more years went by and another 50 lbs was gained? While I don't agree with how the OP's husband went about this, at some point - for both of their sakes - something would have to be said...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That would depend on her age and her genetic programming. If she reaches the standard of "obesity", then yeah.. you can call it "unhealthy".

[angie2443]

I'm going to guess that the change from a size 6 to a size 12 (maybe the OP can clear this up) is a weight gain of 40-50 lbs. Do you feel that's a "healthy" weight change in 5 years? What if 5 more years went by and another 50 lbs was gained? While I don't agree with how the OP's husband went about this, at some point - for both of their sakes - something would have to be said...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I've never been a size 6. I have been a size 7 and a size 12. At size 7, I was skin and bones. I recieved some nasty comments from some regarding my size and lack of a bust (size B). When I gained some weight and became a size 12, a lot of guys noticed. Yes, some thought I was cute at size 7, but I got a lot more sexual attention at size 12. I am average height by the way, and put my weight on evenly. Differant people carry their weight differantly, so I don't know what a size 12 looks like on the OP.

 

Forgot to add, when you talk about weight gain, be aware that muscle weighs more than fat. A weight gain of 40-50 pounds that includes a gain in muscle is differant than a weight gain of 40-50 pounds that is all fat.

[angie2443]

That's because it's NOT applied to them. Their standard is to bring home the bacon. And they'll gladly hold up their end of the bargain as long as their W's stay slim, attractive and young. Oh, what's that you've noticed - the income that the W is also bringing home?? Uh, never mind that. It's not the same thing.

 

Your right.

 

OP, is your husband perfectly fit? Have you thought of this?

 

Sorry if you already mentioned this is one of your post.

[luvstarved]

I agree that you can't fault the guy for having a range of what attracts him sexually. We all have that.

 

But you can fault him for the way he expressed it. There is honesty and brutal honesty.

 

He even admitted he too had put on some weight. He should have come up with a plan for the two of them to shed some pounds. He could have even started with putting it on himself...saying that he wanted to lose weight and ask for her help by participating, then everyone could have won.

 

I disagree with those who say that you are supposed to want sex with your SO completely regardless of their physical appearance...yes we age and our metabolism slows down but taking care of ourselves and looking our best makes us sexier. It just does. Personally, size 6 to 12 does not sound that extreme but who am I to say what his range is? Who is he, for that matter? It is what it is.

 

And yes other guys will have other ranges, you are probably too thin for some guys' tastes.

 

I think you have the following options: you can lose the weight and either work on a satisfying sex life with him, or punish him for the remark, or find a more tactful guy. Or you can keep on the weight and live with feeling undesired and otherwise bad about yourself, or go find yourself a guy more attuned to women your size (which in my book is certainly not tank-like), or live with his rejection.

 

If whatever option you choose involves staying with him, I would make a point of telling him how hurtful his remarks are and give him a little lesson in diplomacy...

[Mr. Lucky]

I disagree with those who say that you are supposed to want sex with your SO completely regardless of their physical appearance...yes we age and our metabolism slows down but taking care of ourselves and looking our best makes us sexier. It just does.

Ah, the voice of reason ...

 

Mr. Lucky