The In Law Twist

[destinationsd]

I have been with my husband for five years and recently married. My 20 year old sister in law and mother in law came for a visit for a few weeks. My mother in law has been going through relationship problems and was venting a lot of it while here. My sister in law has been dating someone her age, but the guy is married with a son. This guy lied to her, she never knew about this whole thing. Four months after them being together, her mom found this out and told her...but they remained together anyways. She wanted to move in with him but it took a lot of energy to convince her this wasn't the way to go. They are still together and he hasn't gotten an divorce yet. He has been living separately from his wife for almost one year. We have convinced her to join the military since she doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. But in the mean time, she is living with us.

 

Since all of this, my husband and I have been arguing a lot, constantly bickering, and we just haven't been romantic with eachother. Our bedroom life has ceased. And I feel like this stuff is really coming the way in our marriage. He is so stressed he doesn't want to admit it. And I'm so stressed that I talk about it a lot...which probably stress him more.

 

Anyone have any advice to share? I don't want this to get in the way of our relationship, but it's done nothing but that.

[Lyssa]

Is it possible for your SIL to live with your MIL or on her own (by this I mean not with the MM).

[saraispiel19]

Goodness aren't inlaws fun!

 

Does your sister in law have a job or she just bums around the house? If so well it's your house too, you have a say; she needn't be there adding more money to the bills.

 

First off it's her problem that she's involved with a married man-uck. Even if he is seperated it's never a good idea to even get involved- but oh well she's been told, she'll make her own screw-ups. You can't really force someone to do something.

 

 

Have you tried talking to her? One-on-One and hinting to leave like say her own mom's house. What about your husband- has he said anything to her.

 

Joining the military huh? Sounds like you want her to get shot. That bad huh..

 

 

Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!

[Ronni_W]

You say that your in-laws were visiting - I assume they've both left now(?)

Which kind of suggests that you and hubby forget to send their baggage out the door with them.

 

His mom's and sis's relationship problems are not yours to deal with. They're both adults. You both must give them back the responsibility for finding their own solutions. If you are put in position of pseudo-therapists, that will erode your own 'marital relationship' boundaries.

 

I would suggest to find ways to insulate your marriage from ALL depleting external influences. Make EACH OTHER the most important focus. Determine and accept your individual and 'couple' limits on how much you can really help. Stay within those limits...don't give so much that it damages someplace else - that isn't being "nice", it is being unkind...to your marriage and your individual selves, as well as to those whom you are enabling to just stay dependent and helpless.

And 'stewing' in your own (individual & couple) stressed thoughts doesn't actually do any good to anyone, in any event . So there's absolutely no value or benefit -- just damage and more damage.

 

If you both find it too difficult to change this one dynamic, possibly a counselor can help you both establish, and maintain, healthier 'marriage' boundaries.

 

Good luck.

[destinationsd]

Thank you all so far on the advice and time, I really appreciate it.

 

My SIL is living with us for now. My MIL is gone. My husband thinks it is a better idea for my SIL to live with us rather than my MIL because the MIL has enough drama of her own which is inhibiting any growth, plus the SIL and MIL don't really get along that well...especially pertaining to her boyfriend.

 

With respect to the military, not everyone in the miltary gets shot. They come from a military family and if someone is just bumming around not knowing what they want to do with their lives, the military offers a great way to figure themselves out. There are so many branches and not all mean that you're going to get shot. Plus, they offer free college with stipends with the new GI bill and a salary while you are in with all benefits..but I understand the humor in 'convincing her to join the military'.

 

I spoke with her one on one about her relationship but she just keeps bringing up excuses as to why she should stay in the relationship. She says they were already going to get a divorce anyways and that they had already been living separately. But then why is he waiting 10 months to file divorce if he's not ready to label it in all the mean while he's falling for this girl. I told her in better words that she was wrecking their home and that she should date him after they are divorced....but how can you convince someone in love ? Impossible.

 

Ronni, i think you are right about creating boundaries.. This is hard for us to do. My husband feels like he is the only one that can help. Especially with her living in our home...he says, oh well, she'll just live in her room, she never comes out anyways...but it still affects him, in turn affecting me. We may need to go ahead and seek counseling I suppose.

[D-Lish]

Well, first of all- A divorce costs a pretty penny.

I was seperated for two years before we actually filed for a divorce because lawyers are costly... then it took another 6 months before it came to fruition. Both of us had long moved on with other people by the time the divorce came through.

 

I wouldn't be so hard on the SIL for dating a seperated man- he has been seperated for a year, he's not living with his ex. People put too much ridiculous emphasis on a stupid piece of paper. Is that the only reason you think he is a bad guy?

 

I'd be more concerned about her bumming around and not having a job while she lives with you.

[Haloandhorns85]

Well, first of all- A divorce costs a pretty penny.

I was seperated for two years before we actually filed for a divorce because lawyers are costly... then it took another 6 months before it came to fruition. Both of us had long moved on with other people by the time the divorce came through.

 

I wouldn't be so hard on the SIL for dating a seperated man- he has been seperated for a year, he's not living with his ex. People put too much ridiculous emphasis on a stupid piece of paper. Is that the only reason you think he is a bad guy?

 

I'd be more concerned about her bumming around and not having a job while she lives with you.

 

 

Married is married. Divorced is divorced. Big difference there. Seperated means still married, but not living together. He is still legally bound to his wife. Perhaps that alone is a big enough reason to not get involved with a seperated man.

 

To many people, that "stupid piece of paper" really does mean something. The sanctity of marriage is what that "stupid piece of paper" represents.

 

In addition, you don't always have to have a lawyer to get divorced. My parents are doing it themselves. All they did was buy the book the guides you, filled out the paperwork, and then filed it at the court house. Simple. In 90 days they will be legally divorced. And all it cost them was the cost of the book and the fee to file for divorce. Waaay cheaper than a lawyer.

[D-Lish]

Married is married. Divorced is divorced. Big difference there. Seperated means still married, but not living together. He is still legally bound to his wife. Perhaps that alone is a big enough reason to not get involved with a seperated man.

 

To many people, that "stupid piece of paper" really does mean something. The sanctity of marriage is what that "stupid piece of paper" represents.

 

In addition, you don't always have to have a lawyer to get divorced. My parents are doing it themselves. All they did was buy the book the guides you, filled out the paperwork, and then filed it at the court house. Simple. In 90 days they will be legally divorced. And all it cost them was the cost of the book and the fee to file for divorce. Waaay cheaper than a lawyer.

 

It's not always as simple as that when properties and investments and the like are involved - and the laws concerning seperation and divorce differ depending on where one lives. We had to file for seperation first and had a waiting period of a year before we could file for divorce. My husband and I negotiated with the same lawyer because there was a lot at stake that both of us wanted and needed legal advice on.

 

It was just a stupid piece of paper in my case- my marriage was over the day my ex husband got another woman pregnant. The day I found that out my marriage certificate became a stupid piece of paper in my eyes. No one I dated during my legal seperation had an issue with me being seperated.

 

If this guy has kids- they have custody matters to resolve- a lawyer should be involved in a matter as important as that.

 

When your heart leaves the marriage- IT IS OVER. Judging someone because they are only seperated and not divorced is ridiculous.

[Haloandhorns85]

It's not always as simple as that when properties and investments and the like are involved - and the laws concerning seperation and divorce differ depending on where one lives. We had to file for seperation first and had a waiting period of a year before we could file for divorce. My husband and I negotiated with the same lawyer because there was a lot at stake that both of us wanted and needed legal advice on.

 

It was just a stupid piece of paper in my case- my marriage was over the day my ex husband got another woman pregnant. The day I found that out my marriage certificate became a stupid piece of paper in my eyes. No one I dated during my legal seperation had an issue with me being seperated.

 

If this guy has kids- they have custody matters to resolve- a lawyer should be involved in a matter as important as that.

 

When your heart leaves the marriage- IT IS OVER. Judging someone because they are only seperated and not divorced is ridiculous.

 

 

I was just pointing out that there is a possible way to get a divorce without lawyers. I wasn't saying anything against you, i promise! And I didn't know that you had to file for a seperation before a divorce in some places...that's crazy and I think way to invasive into your life and relationship. You want a divorce, you should be able to get one without other requirements. But that's the government for ya!

 

I'm sorry to hear what your ex-husband did. That actually makes your attitude towards marriage a LOT more understandable. And why it just is a piece of paper in your eyes. I would probably feel the exact same way in your situation. I hope that you find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and can keep his "head" in his pants!

 

I wasn't meaning to show judgement as far as being seperated or divorced. I was just pointing out that if he is still married and only seperated, he is still legally bound to her. If she has tax issues, he has tax issues. If she has credit issues, he has credit issues,..etc. Just because they are seperated doesn't make him any less liable for her f* ups than it would if they were still living together. That is what I was meaning as a big enough issue to stay away from him.

[GreenEyedLady]

You convinced her to go into the military because she's bumming around? Why not convince her to get a job and go to school?

 

And I don't understand all the judgment about her dating a separated man who has a child. Maybe that is why you are having issues with your H. Maybe he thinks you're being judgemental. Or maybe he thinks you are wrong.

 

My advice, get out of your SIL's R and get back into yours. Let her decide what she wants to do with her life without pressure from other's. If you don't want her to live there, let her know she needs to find another place. And start communicating with your H and get your M back on track.

[destinationsd]

You convinced her to go into the military because she's bumming around? Why not convince her to get a job and go to school?

 

And I don't understand all the judgment about her dating a separated man who has a child. Maybe that is why you are having issues with your H. Maybe he thinks you're being judgemental. Or maybe he thinks you are wrong.

/quote]

 

HA. Tried school. Failed. No longer qualifies for grants. Job...she tries...and is still looking. What's so wrong with military? and it wasn't just me...her whole family wants her to do the military. A min wage job isn't going to pay for her college when she wants to go back. An min wage job isn't necessarily going to give her benefits. She has so much potential and is throwing it away by just going after love. But indeed, you are right. This is her battle. The fact that she is my husband's sister, he feels that this is his problem too. She is throwing her life away. Doesn't know how to live on her own. Doesn't know how to grocery shop. She needs to get on her feet and learn not to rely on anyone else but herself. At her young age, I feel it critical that she take the path towards self-improvement. Life does go on, but why make it harder. Plus, she's never lived outside of her mother's house. I just don't think she should be involved with a 19 year old with a toddler who is a deadbeat. If he actually had his life in order, like job or school, that would maybe be a little different. But love is blind. And her love life isn't my business...until my husband is stressed out. Her bf's parents called our family to plead with her to not get involved with her bf. Plus, she has agreed to join the military and will be living with us until she is off to training. So we are in a holding pattern for a few months. I'm trying to get my relationship back on track while she is staying with us. I have decided to just let it all go. It is her life and she will have to deal with the consequences of her own actions. Not us. I just fear my husband's sanity..his sister means a lot to him and he doesn't want to see her suffer.

[destinationsd]

Also, another point you guys are missing is that he LIED to her...Whether you are separated or divorced doesn't necessarily matter. It's the fact that he did not tell her for the first four months of their relationship. And he was then forced to admit what he did because my MIL is the one that did the research on this guy and found out that he was married with a kid, and she put him in his place while visiting..which was a shock to my SIL. But now she "understands why he lied to her" because "it was a difficult situation to tell" and he "feared" she wouldn't be with him anymore if he did tell her. It would have been TOTALLY different if he told her up front, hey, i'm in the process of getting a divorce but my relationship is over with my wife, and i have a kid.

[OceanBlue]

Married is married. Divorced is divorced. Big difference there. Seperated means still married, but not living together. He is still legally bound to his wife. Perhaps that alone is a big enough reason to not get involved with a seperated man.

 

To many people, that "stupid piece of paper" really does mean something. The sanctity of marriage is what that "stupid piece of paper" represents.

 

In addition, you don't always have to have a lawyer to get divorced. My parents are doing it themselves. All they did was buy the book the guides you, filled out the paperwork, and then filed it at the court house. Simple. In 90 days they will be legally divorced. And all it cost them was the cost of the book and the fee to file for divorce. Waaay cheaper than a lawyer.

 

Actually, a separation agreement severs most of the legal bonds. I have been separated for more than 4 years. A one year separation is required before filing for divorce. Neither of us bothered to get around to filing - partially because of the legal costs.

 

The separation agreement covered the financial aspects, the co-parenting issues and clearly states that we live separate "as if each was unmarried".

 

None of the people I have dated since have had a problem with this.

[Ladyjane14]

He is so stressed he doesn't want to admit it. And I'm so stressed that I talk about it a lot...which probably stress him more.

 

Maybe this bit here from your original post is the thing that's messing you and your husband up.

(????)

 

Men have a tendency to want to "fix" things. When it comes to their loved ones, they sometimes feel almost responsible for making sure everybody is happy, kind of like they're not doing their job right if the wife and kids are wearing long faces. Often, you'll see them "stressed out" by their inability to keep all their people contented.

 

Now, here you are, just wanting to vent and talk... but when he hears that, he starts thinking he needs to take some kind of action. Not knowing what sort of action to take though... leaves him frustrated and probably a bit snippy with it.

 

Your best bet might be to do your venting and talking with your girlfriends, and on occasions when you do do it with him... let him know up front that you're just looking for a sounding-board, not solutions.

 

Men are just as emotionally complex as women are, but their brains are wired differently. So what happens when a guy gets new data is a very basic emotional response which, after some time, gets sorted into a more complex feeling.

 

Say for example, you tell him some new bit about SIL that causes him anxiety. Well, what you're likely to get first... is the ANGER response. Anger is a much more basic and primal feeling, so it comes out first. This is when you'll see him bite your head off and then come back later to apologize and tell you he's just worried and he doesn't know what came over him.

 

The key here... is just to give him some extra time in order to process new emotional data. AND... to not take it too personally on occasions when he loses his cool. Taking it personally leads to escalation because then you've invoked guilt and he has to start from scratch and sort all THAT out.

 

 

Regarding SIL, I think the military is a GREAT experience for young people, and most especially those who don't have a plan. Take it from me though... I'm in the 'been there, done that' club... she'll enjoy it a whole lot more if she doesn't get bogged down in romantic entanglements. If she's single, she can date, travel, try new assignments, and really have a wonderful time. Being tied down takes all the joy out of the job, particularly for young folks.

 

That said, you can't tell a 20 year-old nothin'.

They're gonna do what they want. So... don't stress if she doesn't take your advice to heart. At the end of the day, it's her life and she's the one who's got to live in her own mess.

[destinationsd]

Maybe this bit here from your original post is the thing that's messing you and your husband up.

(????)

 

Men have a tendency to want to "fix" things. When it comes to their loved ones, they sometimes feel almost responsible for making sure everybody is happy, kind of like they're not doing their job right if the wife and kids are wearing long faces. Often, you'll see them "stressed out" by their inability to keep all their people contented.

 

Now, here you are, just wanting to vent and talk... but when he hears that, he starts thinking he needs to take some kind of action. Not knowing what sort of action to take though... leaves him frustrated and probably a bit snippy with it.

 

Your best bet might be to do your venting and talking with your girlfriends, and on occasions when you do do it with him... let him know up front that you're just looking for a sounding-board, not solutions.

 

Men are just as emotionally complex as women are, but their brains are wired differently. So what happens when a guy gets new data is a very basic emotional response which, after some time, gets sorted into a more complex feeling.

 

Say for example, you tell him some new bit about SIL that causes him anxiety. Well, what you're likely to get first... is the ANGER response. Anger is a much more basic and primal feeling, so it comes out first. This is when you'll see him bite your head off and then come back later to apologize and tell you he's just worried and he doesn't know what came over him.

 

The key here... is just to give him some extra time in order to process new emotional data. AND... to not take it too personally on occasions when he loses his cool. Taking it personally leads to escalation because then you've invoked guilt and he has to start from scratch and sort all THAT out.

 

 

Regarding SIL, I think the military is a GREAT experience for young people, and most especially those who don't have a plan. Take it from me though... I'm in the 'been there, done that' club... she'll enjoy it a whole lot more if she doesn't get bogged down in romantic entanglements. If she's single, she can date, travel, try new assignments, and really have a wonderful time. Being tied down takes all the joy out of the job, particularly for young folks.

 

That said, you can't tell a 20 year-old nothin'.

They're gonna do what they want. So... don't stress if she doesn't take your advice to heart. At the end of the day, it's her life and she's the one who's got to live in her own mess.

 

WOW. Ladyjane....your advice meant a lot to me. I really appreciate the time it took you to respond. It makes a lot of sense and helps! I have to remember how differently we are wired.

 

I really need to detach with the situation with my SIL. It is her life and you are right...at least I've told her my thoughts and she'll do what it with she will. I've showed her I cared and that's all I can do. I've decided not to really talk about this situation with my husband anymore. We've done as much as we could and there's not much more to do.

 

Thanks everyone for your words.

[Ladyjane14]

Good luck, Destinationsd.

If you want a quick read about that "wiring", type into your browser Big Boys Don't Cry, Readers Digest and read the article you find. It's not too terribly in depth, but it'll get you started.

[Haloandhorns85]

Good luck, Destinationsd.

If you want a quick read about that "wiring", type into your browser Big Boys Don't Cry, Readers Digest and read the article you find. It's not too terribly in depth, but it'll get you started.

 

 

 

That was def an interesting read! Informative and insightful.