Maggs Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Hi everyone so here's my question... My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married. Actually him more than me. He tells me that he does eventually want to. But that he's not ready right now but then in the same breath he'll say he has a bit of a fear because of one particular past relationship. Obviously this is something he will to overcome on his own. But I'm a bit worried--when he says he's not ready now. Does that mean exactly that, that he's not ready right now or is that some guy code for 'never going to be ready'? I'm just concerned as to how much of a fear of commitment he actually has. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Hi everyone so here's my question... My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married. Actually him more than me. He tells me that he does eventually want to. But that he's not ready right now but then in the same breath he'll say he has a bit of a fear because of one particular past relationship. Obviously this is something he will to overcome on his own. But I'm a bit worried--when he says he's not ready now. Does that mean exactly that, that he's not ready right now or is that some guy code for 'never going to be ready'? I'm just concerned as to how much of a fear of commitment he actually has. Thanks. How long have you been together? What are your ages? These things matter a little when it comes to "being ready" for marriage. He told you that he eventually wants to but isn't ready. Just take his word for it and don't pressure or bug him...that will drive him further away. As far as him "overcoming" his fears. You said that he "obviously" will. Okay, he may, he may not. Fears CAN be overcome, and most likely if he is saying that he will eventually marry then he probably isn't committment phobic. My advice is to stop worrying about marriage and just enjoy your relationship. If you get hung up on the whole "will he ever marry me" you will spend every minute miserable thinking that your relationship isn't going anywhere. You will most likely project that onto your bf, and he feel like you care more about getting him to marry you then the good of your relationship or him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 But I'm a bit worried--when he says he's not ready now. Does that mean exactly that, that he's not ready right now or is that some guy code for 'never going to be ready'? I don't think it's a code. Some of my guy friends said the same thing because they are not financially stable to take care of another person and although weddings can be cheap (depending on what you want), some of them would like a big one as it will be once in a lifetime commitment for them. One of my brothers said he wasn't ready but one year later, he got married to a wonderful lady! Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I don't think it's a code. Some of my guy friends said the same thing because they are not financially stable to take care of another person and although weddings can be cheap (depending on what you want), some of them would like a big one as it will be once in a lifetime commitment for them. One of my brothers said he wasn't ready but one year later, he got married to a wonderful lady! Well, not even just that. Guys sometimes just aren't ready to take that step in the relationship yet. Doesn't mean they don't care for you or love you, they just aren't ready to be a husband yet. My best friend got marreid last year and she said it is very stressful. Marriage is a huge committment, not for some, but for those men who don't jump in to it right away are smart..that means they take vows seriously. I didn't use to think that way, but now I do. Marriage is the rest of your life. That's the kind of husband you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Yup, that's right too, Laurie. There are so many reasons why a man is not ready to settle down. I do believe that when some men say he's not ready, it means just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggs Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 How long have you been together? What are your ages? These things matter a little when it comes to "being ready" for marriage. He told you that he eventually wants to but isn't ready. Just take his word for it and don't pressure or bug him...that will drive him further away. As far as him "overcoming" his fears. You said that he "obviously" will. Okay, he may, he may not. Fears CAN be overcome, and most likely if he is saying that he will eventually marry then he probably isn't committment phobic. My advice is to stop worrying about marriage and just enjoy your relationship. If you get hung up on the whole "will he ever marry me" you will spend every minute miserable thinking that your relationship isn't going anywhere. You will most likely project that onto your bf, and he feel like you care more about getting him to marry you then the good of your relationship or him. Hi, We've been together a year and a half. I'm 29, he's 35. We're currently living in different countries and doing the LDR. For the first year, we lived nearby so each other like a 'regular' couple but since Feb. we've been doing it long distance (3000 miles long distance!) We can visit but ultimately until we get married, there's no way for us to be permanently together. We talked about getting married when I left in February and now he's saying he's not ready to yet. About the only thing we can do is me move there for a couple of months-not on a visa-but that'll only be a one time deal. Don't want to piss off customs people by coming in and out of the country too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Hi, We've been together a year and a half. I'm 29, he's 35. We're currently living in different countries and doing the LDR. For the first year, we lived nearby so each other like a 'regular' couple but since Feb. we've been doing it long distance (3000 miles long distance!) We can visit but ultimately until we get married, there's no way for us to be permanently together. We talked about getting married when I left in February and now he's saying he's not ready to yet. About the only thing we can do is me move there for a couple of months-not on a visa-but that'll only be a one time deal. Don't want to piss off customs people by coming in and out of the country too much. Well, can you move closer together without marriage in the picture? I mean, I know that is a HUGE decision but maybe you can move there with the idea that there will be marriage in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maggs Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Well, can you move closer together without marriage in the picture? I mean, I know that is a HUGE decision but maybe you can move there with the idea that there will be marriage in the future. Nope there's no chance of that at all. We already lived closed together when I was there on a different visa. And there's no other visas I can get on that would allow me to do that. And he can't move where I am because he has a son over there. Basically only visas left are fiancee and marriage. So just the travelling for us. So you can see my concern if he's 'not ready' as to when he'll ever be ready. It's a difficult relationship to be carrying on if he'll never be ready. Not that I don't want to but it's hard to think about if he'll never want to get married... Link to post Share on other sites
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