Z28-396 Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 During the 7 months my girlfriend and I have been together, I have learned some troublesome things about her past. She has, for the sake of sure numbers, been with over 10 times as many people as me. That in of itself is hard for me to deal with, but I love her, so I try. The nature of some of these past relationships, however, has me concerned. Sleeping with men she met in a bar that same night, for instance. But, the thing that bothers me the most, I know of at least two men she slept with who were married at the time, and she knew they were married. That really gets to me. I would hope she would have higher standards for herself than that. To me, that is just wrong. Is it just me? Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 During the 7 months my girlfriend and I have been together, I have learned some troublesome things about her past. She has, for the sake of sure numbers, been with over 10 times as many people as me. That in of itself is hard for me to deal with, but I love her, so I try. The nature of some of these past relationships, however, has me concerned. Sleeping with men she met in a bar that same night, for instance. But, the thing that bothers me the most, I know of at least two men she slept with who were married at the time, and she knew they were married. That really gets to me. I would hope she would have higher standards for herself than that. To me, that is just wrong. Is it just me? search essentially every thread in here and you'll see that it's pretty evident that it's not "just you"!! the numbers, nor the one-night stands shouldn't matter - if you love her you ultimately should be able to look past that. However, the married people is a big issue. Now you're talking about someone that seemingly doesn't have any qualms about potentially hurting others - that is a whole different ball of wax. I think that you have every right to be concerned and/or bothered by this, as you have to wonder if she would apply the same disregard for your own relationship that she has for the relationships of others. what is her perspective on this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 During the 7 months my girlfriend and I have been together, I have learned some troublesome things about her past. She has, for the sake of sure numbers, been with over 10 times as many people as me. That in of itself is hard for me to deal with, but I love her, so I try. The nature of some of these past relationships, however, has me concerned. Sleeping with men she met in a bar that same night, for instance. But, the thing that bothers me the most, I know of at least two men she slept with who were married at the time, and she knew they were married. That really gets to me. I would hope she would have higher standards for herself than that. To me, that is just wrong. Is it just me? Ok, you've now got the ugly truth about her past and, rightfully so, you don't like it. This is a real good reason for a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Unfortunately, the past is the past and can't be undone. And while past behaviour is an indication of future behaviour only you are in a position to see if she will take a similar cavalier attitude towards your relationship. You may want to have a discussion with her as to why she acted this way. You may find that she was struggling with certain issues such as self esteem etc. that contributed to her promiscuity, her lack of regard for the marital status of her partners etc. I've know several women that have done this exact thing as they flopped about trying to come to terms with themselves. Doesn't mean they're bad people... just that they made bad decisions, learned from their mistakes and grown spiritually and emotionally from them, and would not repeat them. Bottom line is that you either need to let this go or have the discussion.. If she has realized she made some bad choices, you, then, need to decide whether this is going to be an issue going forward. If you can't find the understanding to the grasp the concept of human frailty and error and how we become mature, understanding adults, for both your sakes let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Ok, you've now got the ugly truth about her past and, rightfully so, you don't like it. This is a real good reason for a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Unfortunately, the past is the past and can't be undone. And while past behaviour is an indication of future behaviour only you are in a position to see if she will take a similar cavalier attitude towards your relationship. You may want to have a discussion with her as to why she acted this way. You may find that she was struggling with certain issues such as self esteem etc. that contributed to her promiscuity, her lack of regard for the marital status of her partners etc. I've know several women that have done this exact thing as they flopped about trying to come to terms with themselves. Doesn't mean they're bad people... just that they made bad decisions, learned from their mistakes and grown spiritually and emotionally from them, and would not repeat them. Bottom line is that you either need to let this go or have the discussion.. If she has realized she made some bad choices, you, then, need to decide whether this is going to be an issue going forward. If you can't find the understanding to the grasp the concept of human frailty and error and how we become mature, understanding adults, for both your sakes let her go. Excellent post tripper.. The best post I've seen to date of these type of threads.. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Sleeping with men she met in a bar that same night, for instance. But, the thing that bothers me the most, I know of at least two men she slept with who were married at the time, and she knew they were married. That really gets to me. I would hope she would have higher standards for herself than that. To me, that is just wrong. Is it just me? How do her values compare to yours? Sounds like she isn't picky when choosing guys to sleep with. That's usually not good. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted July 15, 2008 Share Posted July 15, 2008 Excellent post tripper.. The best post I've seen to date of these type of threads.. Thank you, Art. Finally the rough and tumble school of life taught me something. And it only took 55 years. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 you can't change the past. if she treats you good, is straight up honest with you. then that's all that should matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 To the OP, If I were in your shoes, I would feel the exact same way. Truthfully, I don't think I would be in the relationship much longer after the fact. Link to post Share on other sites
ahmad nassem Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 if it realy bugs you it will never go away , also your girle is not one to be trusted .leave while you can . Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 Sounds like your values are extremely different. Do you really think you're gonna be a good match with this woman, if you have such different outlooks on sexuality and relationships? Find someone more your own type. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 During the 7 months my girlfriend and I have been together, I have learned some troublesome things about her past. She has, for the sake of sure numbers, been with over 10 times as many people as me. That in of itself is hard for me to deal with, but I love her, so I try. The nature of some of these past relationships, however, has me concerned. Sleeping with men she met in a bar that same night, for instance. But, the thing that bothers me the most, I know of at least two men she slept with who were married at the time, and she knew they were married. That really gets to me. I would hope she would have higher standards for herself than that. To me, that is just wrong. Is it just me? Jealous huh???? How did you find out about all those things... (ONS, married guys, etc.). Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 How many guys she slept with before she met you is really none of your damn business.......... If you can't handle it, then leave. Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Z28-396, What makes you believe she is a different person now than she was then? What have you observed in your 7-months together that you find reassuring? Link to post Share on other sites
GPFan Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Jealous huh???? How did you find out about all those things... (ONS, married guys, etc.).I don't think jealousy has anything to do with it. Most men do not want to enter a relationship with a 'professional.' How many guys she slept with before she met you is really none of your damn business.......... If you can't handle it, then leave.It most certainly is a reasonable question in this day-and-age if one day he wants to dispense with condoms and have children with this woman. Why such a harsh response? Many people have these types of questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 The sleeping with married men would bother me based on my belief system. I feel its a line that shouldn't be crossed. Anyway, usually talking to your partner about their reasons and current beliefs about their past experiences is enough to determine if the relationship is worth keeping or not. I've had a couple ONS's in my life, during a really really bad period of time. I wouldn't repeat it, my thinking was screwed up. And I'm fortunate enough to have a man who doesn't hold that against me. But we talked about it in some detail (not sexual detail, but belief/thinking detail) and it helped both of us to understand each other better. Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 It most certainly is a reasonable question in this day-and-age if one day he wants to dispense with condoms and have children with this woman. Why such a harsh response? Many people have these types of questions. No it isn't - if a person has a clean STD/HIV test , that's enough - it doesn't require a 3rd degree........ You are entitled to their present and their future, NOT their past....... and fwiw I don't consider my response harsh at all... Link to post Share on other sites
InLimbo2 Posted July 19, 2008 Share Posted July 19, 2008 I think he should ask her how she feels about fidelity within her own committed relationship. Lots of people draw a distinction in being faithful to a partner they themselves have committed to. But don't feel bound to honor a commitment to a stranger that that stranger's own spouse/partner doesn't. However, the married people is a big issue. Now you're talking about someone that seemingly doesn't have any qualms about potentially hurting others - that is a whole different ball of wax. I think that you have every right to be concerned and/or bothered by this, as you have to wonder if she would apply the same disregard for your own relationship that she has for the relationships of others. what is her perspective on this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I think he should ask her how she feels about fidelity within her own committed relationship. Lots of people draw a distinction in being faithful to a partner they themselves have committed to. But don't feel bound to honor a commitment to a stranger that that stranger's own spouse/partner doesn't. well, that is true, and I'm certainly not one of those people that would place blame for infidelity on anyone but the cheater themself...but even so, if I knew someone was married, even if I was madly in love with her or amazingly attracted to her and she was perfectly willing to break her vow and she had explained to me over and over why her current relationship sucked and how bad her husband was treating her, I still would not be able to avoid thinking from the perspective of the husband to some degree. Link to post Share on other sites
Gemini0525 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I think Dr. Drew said it best: "Less history, more mystery." If she doesn't have an STD that you should be aware of, then why do you need to know all about her past? Obvious statement of the day: The past cannot be changed. You can learn from it, you can become a better person because of it. Your relationship is with her - here and now - not in her past. P.S. Would you also like to run a credit check on her?? Link to post Share on other sites
Throne Of Lies Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 It is a valid issue, definitely! I think that there is sort of an undercurrent here ( I did a search on the issue ) that you have no right to the information whatsoever. I think that is totally bogus. Completely. Not even in reference to STIs- I mean, when we have devalued the bonding aspect of sex to such an extent that it is taboo to even be curious about how many unique couplings a SO has had, we have gone to far. So I can emulate with your feelings in that regard. To get more on topic- it is one of those 'tough but easy' questions. You have all the information. Random electrons coalescing on your computer monitor to form strangers words aren't really going to change the facts on the ground. What is you level of emotional investment? It is just like anything else- if the issue is going to cause more pain than the relationship is worth- ditch it. If the issue is going to be something that prevents the relationship from maturing, it is time to go. Weigh it against all the things about the relationship that are good, and anything that might ameliorate the severity of the promiscuity. Just for the sheer blood sport of an instant judgment though, I would recommend the time honored GTFO maneuver on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
BUENG1 Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 No it isn't - if a person has a clean STD/HIV test , that's enough - it doesn't require a 3rd degree........ You are entitled to their present and their future, NOT their past....... and fwiw I don't consider my response harsh at all... Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior. People are entitled to whatever information is relevant to them making a decision about whether to enter a relationship with someone else Link to post Share on other sites
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