No Contact While Separated

[HeatherAngel]

It was suggested to me to cross post this here; I was originally int he 'coping' section.

 

I've been reading LOADS on here about no contact and how beneficial it is... fair enough, there is some really good advice and a lot of strong people here.

 

My situation feels a little different... maybe I am fooling myself. <rolls eyes> The thing is, we aren't necessarily 'finished'... neither of us said - I'm absolutely done, I don't want to talk to you ever again, don't contact me.

 

My husband moved out July 5th. Today is day 10 of no contact. He asked for this - he specifically asked for no contact for July because he needs space away from me. I am giving him this no contact because he has asked for it, and I want to respect his wishes. After all, I asked for things, too - after July. I asked him to contact me, we'll text and chat, and see each other, and see if we can rebuild from scratch. I figure it this way: if he can agree to what I asked for (and he did agree), I can agree to what he asked for (no contact).

 

He has said he will be in touch sooner, 'if he misses me' - now that's a painful road, since I am thinking all the time: 'Well, he hasn't contacted me, so he must not be missing me' - which is emotional reaction rather than logical thinking.

 

Either way, it's hard as he!!. And so what I am wondering is this: Can no contact ever be a GOOD thing for a COUPLE, as opposed to being good for the individuals involved?? It seems to me it will pull us farther apart. I know for me, at least - and I SO did not want this separation! - even in 10 days I can see more clearly what failed in our marriage, and why he needed to leave - nothing would ever have changed if he'd stayed. I am able to work on myself, and I can only assume he is able to do the same... but how can NOT talking ever bring us back to any kind of reconciliation?

 

It's all very bizarre. Thoughts?

[TrustInYourself]

I questioned this as well. It's not up to you to make contact and work things out. Right now, you'll just have to respect your husband's space and enjoy your space. Not talking can be a great way to rebuild and let those walls go down, at least for him, since he's requested that from you. If you love him, you'll respect that space and not be bitter about it.

 

You know that your issues can't be solved together, so you need time to sort them out.

 

Anything can happen. Do not be afraid and just be willing to accept any situation that comes your way. Whether that is with your husband or without him. Take care and best wishes.

[SingleDad]

When a spouse moves out and needs space, they clearly need space. All of the arguing and frustration will not go away is you are feeling suffocated.

 

My wife told me specifically "If you love someone you have to let them free"

 

I gave my STBXW the space and freedom she wanted... after she filed for divorce. We changed it to a legal separation because the divorce was killing both of us and preventing any possibility of future friendly co-parenting of our daughter.

 

My anger over our separation has led me to pursue a Limited contact (only over our daughter) position with my ex. She wanted so desparately to leave and move forward with her life.... There is nothing I can do if I love her, but do what she wants and hope and pray she decides she wants me back.

 

Use this time to strengthen yourself and appreciate the things in your life. You need to listen to your spouse and do what they want. Hopefully he will make the right decision.

 

Good luck.

[HeatherAngel]

Thank you both for your replies - I have read a lot about your situations, and your very valuable words of wisdom. I appreciate your time and thoughts.

 

I will give him this time - TiY, you hit it on the head... even in these early days, as I grow stronger, I can feel myself pulling away from him little by little, and it TERRIFIES me. I shall keep reminding myself to not be afraid.

 

I will continue to try to have faith that the changes I make in myself now - FOR ME - will ensure that I NEVER again behave as the begging, pleading, crying, controlling, smothering woman that he left... even if he is not my future partner, I will never EVER belittle myself that way again for anyone. I will never again beg someone to love me.

 

And that's in ten days... I wonder what the rest of the month will bring?

 

I almost feel like I don't know him - like he's already becoming a stranger to me. Sad days indeed. And I thought I would dream about him - if I have, I don't recall the dreams. In fact, I am sleeping shockingly well - better than I slept in the past six months... a little worrying, but also an enlightening experience.

 

I do keep reminding myself that I cannot control his thoughts or actions - if he decides NEVER to contact me (my greatest fear!) there is nothing I can do about that. And if he does, I hope he will give us the chance to start over form scratch... and time will show the truth of both of us.

[TrustInYourself]

You're on the right track. Be brave and best of luck. It's a rollercoaster, I know. Take care.

[Billy Bob]

I will continue to try to have faith that the changes I make in myself now - FOR ME - will ensure that I NEVER again behave as the begging, pleading, crying, controlling, smothering woman that he left... even if he is not my future partner, I will never EVER belittle myself that way again for anyone. I will never again beg someone to love me.

 

Right on! And you figured this out in 10 days??!!?? Took me 8 months. It almost gives you a sense of pride that you finally "Get it".. Once you "Get it" that you can't make anyone love you, that you can't open their eyes for them... You finally understand that if they don't want to be with you as much as you with them... that it isn't a good relationship.

 

Know that even though it is painful, if you don't get back together with your spouse, you will move on to a better relationship with someone that wants you more. Change is scarey, but often worth it!

[LakesideDream]

There are walk away husbands too. You didn't mention that you had children together. By your post it sounds like you don't.

 

My guess? You marriage is on life support and the back up battery is nearly dead. That's the way it goes these days. Spouses are free to "ask for space" and walk away from relationships at will.

 

This isn't going to change. "Marriage Vows" have become completely worthless. People of both sexes no longer need to put effort into their relationships. When the going gets tough, one or the other leaves.. That's the reality of the 21st Century.

 

The world has forever changed.

[dgiirl]

Can no contact ever be a GOOD thing for a COUPLE, as opposed to being good for the individuals involved?? It seems to me it will pull us farther apart. I know for me, at least - and I SO did not want this separation! - even in 10 days I can see more clearly what failed in our marriage, and why he needed to leave - nothing would ever have changed if he'd stayed.

 

Yes, it could be a good thing. You've already seen what a little space can do. It can give both parties time to breath and reanalyze the relationship. IF you two _both_ want to fix the relationship, then yes, time apart CAN be a good thing. You already see the problems in the relationship and know what needs to be fixed.

 

However, you have to be realistic about your situation too. My exh wanted no contact for a month too. He said because he wanted some space to reevaluate our marriage. He failed to acknowledge right away that he had also met someone. My guess is he was going to say he met her during our separation. It was his escape plan. In my case, there was absolutely nothing I could have done. He was already gone. So staying in touch or not wouldnt have made any changes to the inevitable outcome.

 

Just keep working on you and making the improvements YOU need to make for yourself. Maybe he'll see them and want to stay, if not c'est la vie. In any case, you are bettering yourself for YOU and still being true to yourself.

[Simon Leon]

Hey there,

 

I think my situation is very similar to yours too. My wife move out about 8wks ago and wanted space to work on herself.

 

It was very difficult for me for the first 4-5 weeks...until I realized that stressing out about something totally outside my control was detremental to both my health and emotional sanity. I'm sure everyone here knows the level of stress I'm talking about.

 

I think it is best to try to appreciate this time apart and use it wisely to think about what you want and need. This is easier said then done....since your mind will probably continually dwell on your past relationship.

 

My advise is to make sure you keep all future contact as respectful and kind as you can, but NO pushing on him. It's kinda up to him to make the bulk of the decision to come back....but you can try to make the option of coming back as attractive as possible. Use this time to reflect on yourself and work on what you would like to change/improve.

 

You are not alone in your situation. There are many on this board who are in the same boat you are. Please vent here and use us as a sounding board if you need to.

[TrustInYourself]

How are things going SimonLeon? Are you following your own advice?

[HeatherAngel]

Thank you all for your replies thus far.

 

dgiirl - I think your situation is probably my worst fear... a month of no contact made very little sense to me, and gives him time to 'try things out' with someone else, and see if he can move her from 'friend' into a relationship.

 

On the other hand, he may just be so emotionally drained from the mess our marriage became that he randomly chose a month and needs to clear his own head.

 

I guess I won't know anything until he contacts me at the end of the month - or doesn't. And yes, SL - my mind is torturing me.

[wannabehappy]

Why is always about space. I hope once all these people get their space they are happy with it and the damage they have caused the other person. I think space can be a benefit when people reflect and think about the issues and the problems and solutions. My husband (soon to ex) not by my choice, has been asking for space for awhile now. I thought I was giving it to him but he seems to always want more space (he says I dont give him the space requested). I think in my situation space can be good or bad for the both of us in many ways. Space can mean relevation to some or new oppurtunity to others. All you can honestly do is wait it out and see if you still even feel the same. Don't feel like he is not missing you cuz you just never know unless he says something. Things happen for a reason (I truly believe that now) and there is a reason for this. Think positive but have a plan for if things do not work out. All you can do is be you and hope for the best. I know it seems hard now but we humans are so complex that everything has to mean something when it may not. I wish you the best of luck and believe in what fate has in store for you.

[Owl]

The need for "space" in one spouse is nearly always translatable as "I need space to do/act in a fashion that is detrimental to my marriage, but don't want to tell my spouse this."

 

I don't know your story...but is your H seeing someone else? What were his "reasons" for needing space and for ending the marriage?

[Simon Leon]

How are things going SimonLeon? Are you following your own advice?

 

 

Hmmm....

I'm trying my very best.....but my heart has a mind of it's own.

 

We talk about once a week.....and it's neither going forward or backward.

 

I know that I need to give her more space for her to work out what she wants...and for me to get to a better place, but it's easier said then done.

 

I managed 8 days of NC last week, and 7 this week.

[TrustInYourself]

I know it's ridiculous. I can't handle this. I just want to go to sleep right now so I can just get over this feeling inside.

[HeatherAngel]

Wow. This NC is getting harder, and I am missing him like crazy. I am trying very hard to 'keep it simple' and see this situation for what it is, rather than what I hope it might be... and it is SO hard, and painful.

 

No real point in wondering if he loves me or misses me - the fact is, he is not contacting me, so he doesn't WANT to talk to me. And I WANT to talk to him, so how pathetic does that make me?

 

Does he want this marriage? Does he want to work at it? Uh - obviously not. He moved out and now we have NC.

 

Jeez - who knew that when Denial started to pack up her things and Reality tried to move into the spare room it would hurt so much?

 

Why is my faith in us as a couple still so strong when he has destroyed 'us'? Am I some kind of stupid, despite two degrees? Holy crap.

 

I guess the problem is being in 'limbo' - no contact, but we left it as being 'open to reconciliation'. It's eating away my insides, and I am filled with a misdirected hatred for the 'friend' who decided to help him through leaving me. What a selfish woman. Are you back in contact with him now? If he has YOU to talk to, he doesn't need to talk to me, now, does he? OUCH. And HIM - why lean on someone else to 'help' you leave me?? Today, I hate you both, and it makes me so sad to be filled with anger and hate - I am unhappy with these feelings and I want them to just... go away. I don't care that you didn't have sex - you were emotionally involved, and that left no room for me, you selfish, horrible people.

 

Why do I still want you, husband who lied to me, broke my heart and left me?? Someone said to me last night: "He signed a 12 month lease? Honey, he ain't coming back." Well, shoot. I didn't think about that.

 

Day 17 of NC - hurts like a weeping wound.

[SingleDad]

Been there, doing that - for past 6 months...

 

Add a 2 yo daughter into the mix and, wow, things are so agonizing.

 

Control is completely taken away from you, plus emotions and thoughts are uncontrollable.

 

You have to remember what you enjoyed when you were single and start doing them (excluding dating in my opinion). It helps take the edge off, slightly...

[TrustInYourself]

Wow. This NC is getting harder, and I am missing him like crazy. I am trying very hard to 'keep it simple' and see this situation for what it is, rather than what I hope it might be... and it is SO hard, and painful.

 

No real point in wondering if he loves me or misses me - the fact is, he is not contacting me, so he doesn't WANT to talk to me. And I WANT to talk to him, so how pathetic does that make me?

 

Does he want this marriage? Does he want to work at it? Uh - obviously not. He moved out and now we have NC.

 

Jeez - who knew that when Denial started to pack up her things and Reality tried to move into the spare room it would hurt so much?

 

Why is my faith in us as a couple still so strong when he has destroyed 'us'? Am I some kind of stupid, despite two degrees? Holy crap.

 

I guess the problem is being in 'limbo' - no contact, but we left it as being 'open to reconciliation'. It's eating away my insides, and I am filled with a misdirected hatred for the 'friend' who decided to help him through leaving me. What a selfish woman. Are you back in contact with him now? If he has YOU to talk to, he doesn't need to talk to me, now, does he? OUCH. And HIM - why lean on someone else to 'help' you leave me?? Today, I hate you both, and it makes me so sad to be filled with anger and hate - I am unhappy with these feelings and I want them to just... go away. I don't care that you didn't have sex - you were emotionally involved, and that left no room for me, you selfish, horrible people.

 

Why do I still want you, husband who lied to me, broke my heart and left me?? Someone said to me last night: "He signed a 12 month lease? Honey, he ain't coming back." Well, shoot. I didn't think about that.

 

Day 17 of NC - hurts like a weeping wound.

 

Heather, I read your post and my heart breaks. I hope you feel better.

 

I know it hurts and the pain is sometimes unbearable, but we become better people facing our fears and doing our best to grow from them.

 

Take care, it will get a bit easier each and every day.

[dgiirl]

Heather, it's great that you are vocalizing your feelings on the forum. That's one thing it's great for Use it! You are starting to go through the anger stage, which is completely understandable. Read up on the 5 stages of grief, and you will see you bounce back and forth between all 5 stages. You might feel crazy at times, but all the emotions you are feeling are natural. Work through them.

 

In the meantime, I'd suggest keep with no contact and keep working on you! Try and work through as much of these feelings as possible and see where you stand in a month from now. If you really still want this marriage, then the next time you guys speak, you have to show him you are a happy confident sexy capable lady, the one that attracted him in the first place. And he wont be able to see that until you get yourself back in order. That means rebuilding your self esteem to the point where you know, irregardless of what he chooses, you're an amazing lady, you'll be ok and you will have a happy life.

 

Start doing things that you use to like doing. Start doing brand new things too! I agree with not starting to date BUT I whole heartedly think this is a great time to start meeting new people, women or men, in groups, classes, hobbies, whatever and whereever. Meeting NEW people is a great self esteem boost. Not only does it let you meet new people with different beliefs which can open your own eyes to the amazingness of people, they also get to know YOU as YOU, and not you as a couple. And when you realize they like you for you, it's a great feeling. Embrace this opportunity which it truly is! IF things with you and your husband work out, you'll be back to the married life. Take this time to do things you never could do as a couple. Dont look back at this time and regret wasting it.

[the2gman]

I wish the best for you. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. Its hard. Advice is good and appreciated. But unless you have gone thru the same exact scenario, its hard to understand. Its hard..i know....i am going thru it right now..be strong girl!

[dead-dyke]

I really hope to read a happy ending in here in a few months. NC is tough, but it does get easier. Interactions w/ my wife were not desirable on any level, and when I decided that was that, NC got a whole lot easier. I think what is good for you, however, is that niether of you threw in the towel. There's likely a future in that. Might not come as soon as expected, or hoped, but I believe it will happen. From the outside looking in, anyway.

 

Best wishes. I'm watching this discussion. Really pulling for you.

[HeatherAngel]

Thanks. I hope beyond hope that he will give us the opportunity to use this time apart to grow as individuals, and as better spouses. Terrified he won't, and the NC will end with permanent NC.

[LostHusband]

I feel for you HA, I'm another one here going through almost the same thing. My wife also signed a 12 month lease - but she didn't even leave the door open for reconciliation. She pretty much said, "Once I'm gone, I'm gone." Ouch that stings just writing it. We can't go NC because we see each other daily dropping off and picking up our kids from each other. Sometimes I wish I could just go completely NC with her, but I don't know which would be worse. I feel awful when I go for a long time without talking to her or seeing her, but then I also feel awful after I talk to her and see her. I don't really have much helpful to say, just venting along with you!