abuse and leaving

[sadandalone]

I am in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Needless to say, I know it's not healthy. I don't need any posts telling me that it isn't healthy and I need to get out, I already know that.

 

What I'm wondering is if an emotional abuser can change. And if he says he's willing to change, are there any clues that can alert me to whether he relaly wants to change or he's just putting up a front?

 

I love him, and characteristic of most emotional relationships we have really good highs and really bad lows. I tell my boyfriend everything, even that I know I could never leave him. He exploits this knowledge, and whenever he abuses me and I try to point out that it is wrong, he says "then why don't you just leave?" knowing that all I want to do is fix it, not leave.

 

Is there a way to make him see the error of his ways? He's home to me, he's all I know. I would feel weird if I weren't with him. Not uncomfortable or lonely, just homesick and wishing I could be near him again. I'm dependent on him for my happiness (i know it's not healthy) but it's just the fact.

 

Is there a way to fix this? Be less needy perhaps?

[Geishawhelk]

No.

There is no way to fix this.

There is a way for HIM to fix this, and this would be for him to voluntarily submit to Anger management and counselling.

That would be his clue to you that he really wants to change.

 

This can't be fixed from the outside, and you can't fix it.

 

He's manipulative, bullying and controlling, and he goads you to leave, knowing that he's got you exactly where he wants you.

You're needy and clinging, and only you can tell precisely what you're getting from this, because there's always a payoff.

People stay in an abusive situation, beause there's something keeping them there.

You're staying there because you hope there'll be a turnaround, and some part of you thinks he needs you.

Well you're right. He does.

But don't take it personally.

He 'needs' a victim.

And you're just right for him.

Of course you are.

You're still there, aren't you?

 

So that's just great.

You're dependent on him for your happiness (which is of course, as you well know, utter bull****) and he's dependent on you because you're a willing and constant victim.

 

Lovely.

[quankanne]

as long as you stay, you enable him to abuse him because he sees you as his ready victim. He knows what buttons to push, he knows your love binds you to him, that you are willing to subject yourself to humiliation because you don't want to lose him ... walking away is the only thing that *might* give him a wake-up call that the kind of relationship he's perpetuating is not healthy. However, if he's pretty ingrained in his behavior, he'll just move on to the next victim.

 

staying with him translates into his ***kkedup mind that you want to receive the abuse, that it's okay to treat you this way because you don't want to lose his love ...

 

honey, how can someone like that claim to love you when it's obvious by his abuse that he doesn't even like you? You're fooling yourself if you think he's going to get any better if this is all he knows in your relationship. Hope, but don't forget to be grounded in reality.

[redfathom]

"The Loser"

 

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. There are a variety of "[COLOR=#990000]bad choices[/COLOR]" that may be encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".

"The [COLOR=#990000]Loser[/COLOR]" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, often something they probably learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present - it's not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.

1. [COLOR=#990000]Rough Treatment[/COLOR] "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and [COLOR=#990000]kicking things[/COLOR]. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "[COLOR=#990000]walking on eggshells[/COLOR]" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, [COLOR=#990000]it's your fault[/COLOR] that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up - unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's just date one more month!"

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.

10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don't answer their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren't home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.

11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you'll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".

12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand close enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.

14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you - not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.

15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about giving a person enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself. "The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don't take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen to these stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's coming your way.

16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how they'll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.

17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say it's a hog pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "[COLOR=#990000]hot temper[/COLOR]" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.

18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll see someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what "The Loser" wants - no interference with their control or dominance.

19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" - it's important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done.

[Geishawhelk]

If this is copy and paste, you MUST cite reference and link.

 

Sorry to be a real damper, but it's forum rules, and safeguards the site from possible infringement laws.

 

Thank you....

 

If this is all your own work - that's some post!!

[redfathom]

Sorry, I have heard some links get baned! But next time I will post the link, it's easier anyways

 

Here is the link:

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/articles/article.php?artID=157

[Lishy]

He will never change

 

Get away and quick!

[Geishawhelk]

RedFathom, thank you so much for the link. It even says at the bottom of the article that "this article may be reproduced as wished" so I really appreciate your clarifying that. It just makes a lot of "stuff" easier.

 

*:Thumbsup smiley:* !

[Angel1111]

The worst thing you could ever say to a man like this is, "I will never leave you." I suppose you could top that one if you tied a sign around your neck that said, "Dear precious boyfriend who can do no wrong: please stomp, trample and destroy me at will. If I ever get angry with you about it, just ignore me because I'm not really serious. Thank you in advance. Forever yours, xxx."

 

And, no, this cannot be fixed.

 

You need to read Robert Lundy's book "Why Does He Do That?" and you'll understand why it's not fixable.

[quankanne]

thanks for the link and the text red, this will come in handy ...

 

and sad? I hope you can see through all of your immediate feelings and understand that this man is NO GOOD for you, and that something better than an abusive relationship waits for you ...

 

hugs,

q

[SadGuy99]

Please leave. He will not change. I know somone who was involved with a person exactly as described in that link. She is now repeating that behavior as well as the defense mechanisms on the ppl in her relationship. This person will not only hurt you in that relationship, if you find the will to leave him the trauma you endured will likely be put onto the new people you date. It will make it hard for you to ever have a normal relationship. Please get out, I know its not that easy but you really should try. Staying there is hurting you immediately and will hurt you for a lifetime.

 

You may want to lookup "co-dependant" and see if that fits you.

[Meaplus3]

I am in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. Needless to say, I know it's not healthy. I don't need any posts telling me that it isn't healthy and I need to get out, I already know that.

 

What I'm wondering is if an emotional abuser can change. And if he says he's willing to change, are there any clues that can alert me to whether he relaly wants to change or he's just putting up a front?

 

I love him, and characteristic of most emotional relationships we have really good highs and really bad lows. I tell my boyfriend everything, even that I know I could never leave him. He exploits this knowledge, and whenever he abuses me and I try to point out that it is wrong, he says "then why don't you just leave?" knowing that all I want to do is fix it, not leave.

 

Is there a way to make him see the error of his ways? He's home to me, he's all I know. I would feel weird if I weren't with him. Not uncomfortable or lonely, just homesick and wishing I could be near him again. I'm dependent on him for my happiness (i know it's not healthy) but it's just the fact.

 

Is there a way to fix this? Be less needy perhaps?

 

Can he change? Well..If he is willing to get help and the right kind of help then perhaps.. theres a chance. However, if he's so far in denial about the way he is treating YOU.. then the chances are slim. You need to think of your well beign here sweetie. It's not healthy to stay in a relationship like this. I can relate..I was once there. Hugs.

 

AP:)

[Eve]

I tell my boyfriend everything, even that I know I could never leave him. He exploits this knowledge, and whenever he abuses me and I try to point out that it is wrong, he says "then why don't you just leave?" knowing that all I want to do is fix it, not leave.

 

Whatever you do, please do not have any children with this man. I think that the only time you will realise how dangerous your lifestyle is is when any future child is hurt and then removed from you. Or would you still cover for him even then?

 

Please think about this. Would you accept your most recent episode (only you know what has happened) in front of an innocent child? You are giving this man your innocence and your freedom.

 

If you stay, dont tell anyone else about your mistreatment, dont burden them when you dont really want to leave. Sit there and take it all for the rest of your life. Tear up your dreams now and watch what he does to your heart and life day by day. It is your choice, live it.

[merlin2]

red-fathom,

 

brilliant link, that brought back some bad memories from the only abusive relationship I've ever had 8 years ago.I was astounded at the similarities.Even now I've moved on and its a long time ago, I'm still damaged in some way, because I cant believe I put up with it.Dont get me wrong, im a feisty woman, and it could have been a lot worse if I had a meeker nature!Even so, I saw the signs (after 3 weeks) i hasten to add!I ignored them and lasted a year of abuse in one way or another.I get angry just thinking about it, dont think that will ever leave.

[porter218]

And if he says he's willing to change, are there any clues that can alert me to whether he relaly wants to change or he's just putting up a front?

 

?

No this is just part of the abuse cycle. You can't change your behavior to improve his, he is just a broken person who is going to take everyone down with him. He may talk the talk for a short while to reel you back in but it will only be a temporary honeymoon period. After you leave him, time and space will heal your wounds and you start to miss him less and less. But the one thing you need to remember is no you can't change him and you are not likely to get him to see the error in his ways... oh well...his loss.

[NewJerseyMan]

The chances of your abusive partner changing are approximately zero. It is extremely rare that an abusive person takes initiative to change his behavior, because almost all abusive people don't have a conscience, hence their behavior.

 

You can't change your parter - changing one's behavior and outlook on life is something that each person must decide to do for themselves. Nobody can do it for them - people have to want to learn better ways of behaving; otherwise, all the external pressure in the world won't make a dent in their behavioral habits.

 

Even if your parter was open to learning to be a better person, it would take many painful years to undo his abusive behavioral habits. And certainly, you can ill afford that kind of suffering, considering what you've already been through.

 

The best thing you can do now is just pack your bags and leave, because you're not going to change your partner. Abusers don't change.

 

-Noah-

[BleuStar]

My god, I just read that list and my ex (ex as of today) has 12 of those traits. At first I thought it was just me and that I was imagining things and blowing everything out of proportion, but I now realize that he was making me think like that.

 

My self-esteem is at an all-time low as of right now, so I'm working on getting that back up.

[Taramere]

Is there a way to fix this? Be less needy perhaps?

 

You've had some great advice here.

 

I wonder if the addiction is to this guy in particular, or whether it's a need for the stimulation of those highs and lows that an abusive relationship provides. That's a "need" that's constantly attributed to women, but from general observation I think it's something that people rather than a specific gender are becoming more and more conditioned into having. For every woman who is in a relationship with an abusive dick, there are probably several men who are good friends with/admirers of him. Who raise an eyebrow now and again regarding his treatment of other people (especially women) but who nonetheless express explicit or implicit admiration of it in 1,000 subtle ways. Continuing to be his friend being just one of them.

 

Despite various messages we get as to what constitutes a healthy, functional way to live, in many subtle ways the media trains us to admire and respect those who have many abusive aspects to their personalities, and I think it takes a lot of conscious effort to draw distinctive lines between strong personalities and abusive ones. To resist this thinking that we somehow need stressful, abusive people and situations in our lives in order to be seen to be living those lives to the max. Or to emulate them in order to be successful, exciting, interesting - whatever.

 

Abusive people are often very adept at periodically demonstrating symptoms of "changing". Becoming better people. That's something they learn to do in order to provide others with the ups as well as the downs. Something they have to do in order to keep usefully supportive individuals in their life. As long as you're useful, in some way, to a person like that, then they will try to keep you boxed into their world in some way....and your willingness to keep them in your life will be taken as a sign that you condone who they are and how they treat other people when they're in the mood to be abusive.

 

All I can suggest is that you start opening yourself up to some genuinely good experiences in order to develop an appreciation for what happiness actually is. Cultivating friendships with decent, kind people. Spending time in energetic but also relaxing pursuits. Recognising the negative, toxic elements for what they are - and even if it's impossible to eliminate them from your life altogether (we all have some toxicity about us, after all) starting to make a point of consciously distancing yourself from them for as long as you can.

 

Gradually but continually building up that distance until the relaxing, peaceful moments in your life significantly outweigh the stressful, negative ones. It's possible to do that, if you want to. It's amazing how we tend to cling onto sources of stress and negativity in our lives....as though these things have some kind of value. Generally, the only value they have is in very small doses - ie as stimulants and occasional reminders of how nice the nice aspects of our lives are.