Meeting Each Other's Needs

[Haloandhorns85]

I have been sitting here reading post after post on marriage and pondering about something my SO said to me the other day.

 

I had just come home from an orientation for the univ I am going to attend this fall. I was excited, as going to school for some weird reason, excites me. lol. I came home in a really good mood, wanting to talk about it, and wanting someone to be excited with me. My SO doesn't really give a rat's a$$ about school and doesn't understand my excitement, so of course he wasn't excited with me. Therefore, I called my dad who is always there to be excited with me when it comes to school. After I got off the phone, my SO asked me if he meets my emotional needs. I didn't answer right away, I felt I wanted to think of an appropraite answer. I said most of the time you do, but there are occassions when you don't. It seemed to upset him when I said that. Was I wrong to say that? I mean, it is the truth. Sometimes, he just doesn't understand my excitement about something or that I need extra loving certain days. I understand that he doesn't understand. I tried to go on to explain what I meant. I told him that the way I look at it...yes...he meets my major emotional needs...to feel loved, wanted, respected, etc. He is a wonderful boyfriend. But there are times, like the school thing, that he doesn't get it. He responded with "I just feel like I try and try and try and its never enough! Your needs are always changing!" I wanted to laugh, (but didn't!! ). Is it really expected for our needs to be the exact same everyday? I told him that the way I looked at it, our needs change on a daily basis. Somedays when he comes home, I can just look at him and tell that I need to back off and give him room, open him a beer, fix him a nice meal, and listen to him when he talks about his bad day. Somedays, he comes home and I get a good mood vibe from him, so I give him affection and try to help him stay in a good mood...(doesn't always happen though..I'm not perfect.) Somedays I come home and just need him to hold me so I can get past my bad day and focus on our evening together. Somedays I'm in a good mood and would like to joke around and enjoy each other's company. Somedays I come home madder than a hornet about work BS and need him to just listen. Somedays, I just need him to be excited about something that excites me. Am I thinking about this all wrong? Am I being ridiculous or needy?

[Geishawhelk]

We should think about the answers we're looking for, before we ask the question... What was he expecting to hear you say?

 

We have different needs. Long-term needs... (job satisfaction, a comfortable life, that kind of thing) and near-term needs. These are the tricky ones, because whilst we strive for the long term, our near-term goal-posts keep moving.... and yes, sometimes it is hard to read moods.

Perhaps we expect too much from our partners to ask them to be psychic... sometimes, we need to communicate our immediate needs a little more openly. If our needs keep changing from day to day, is it surprising that they take their eye off the ball?

[Keridan]

I don't think you are out of line here. I think he is reading too much into it. I have what I like to think of as a good and healthy relationship with my wife. I definately don't always get the mood thing right. She sometimes calls family because I wasn't in the right mindset or loses herself in online chat. Sometimes I need her to pay more attention to me than she is at the time or want her to back off a bit after a hard day.

 

It doesn't mean I've failed her or she's failed me. We are just two people living one life. Sometimes we aren't going to see it exactly the same way or be in the same mood. I still tell her I love her every night and be there for her whenever I think she needs me. I like to think I get the major stuff right. I know she does.

 

It honestly sounds like your bf might be feeling insecure. Is he worried that going to school might pull you away from him? Could he be jealous you are doing something to better yourself? Have other things been going well? I'm not asking you to answer me, just to think about it. There might be something else behind his reaction. Maybe he doesn't even understand where it comes from.

 

Finding out where his reaction came from would probably be more productive than spending too much time questioning your reaction. Even if you were wrong in what you said (which I doubt), the focus should probably fall on addressing the concerns, not beating yourself up.

 

I hope both of you feel better soon

[Haloandhorns85]

I know he is a little peturbed that I am going to school and he did not have the opportunity to do so when he was my age. But, that's not my fault. We hadn't even met then. I just didn't know if what I said was out of line or if my thinking was screwed up. He meets all of my major emotional needs. I know he loves me. I know he will always be a good provider. I know he will always do what he can to protect me. I feel the safest when I am with him. But, what I am questioning is if how I am approaching the subject of meeting each other's needs is unhealthy for our relationship? Is there another point of view I am missing? I did tell him that I wanted him to be excited with me about going to school. That is probably what prompted his question.

[GreenEyedLady]

OP:

 

You seem to be very focused on the way he doesn't meet your needs. But have you asked him if you meet his? Maybe he wanted you to ask him the same question. Maybe he wanted to start a dialogue about it but you seemed so put off by it, he thought better of it.

 

Just a thought.

[Haloandhorns85]

OP:

 

You seem to be very focused on the way he doesn't meet your needs. But have you asked him if you meet his? Maybe he wanted you to ask him the same question. Maybe he wanted to start a dialogue about it but you seemed so put off by it, he thought better of it.

 

Just a thought.

 

 

He brought it up! He asked me something about why I was being quiet when I got off the phone with my dad. I was honest and told him I got all the excitement out of my system when I talked to my dad. I told him that I wish I could be that excited with him about school. I didn't even think of it as something I needed from him at the time until he brought it up. Besides, that wasn't even what my post was about. Hell, I thought he yanked this question out of the sky...was very thrown off by him even asking it. And BTW, I did ask him if I met his needs. And he said I did. But I think maybe our definitions of needs is off...maybe we have a misunderstanding about what each other considers a need?

[GreenEyedLady]

He brought it up! He asked me something about why I was being quiet when I got off the phone with my dad. I was honest and told him I got all the excitement out of my system when I talked to my dad. I told him that I wish I could be that excited with him about school. I didn't even think of it as something I needed from him at the time until he brought it up. Besides, that wasn't even what my post was about. Hell, I thought he yanked this question out of the sky...was very thrown off by him even asking it. And BTW, I did ask him if I met his needs. And he said I did. But I think maybe our definitions of needs is off...maybe we have a misunderstanding about what each other considers a need?

 

I understand that he brought it up.

 

You go on to say that you think he might be insecure about you going to school when he did not.

 

Maybe what he needs is reassurance from you. That you love him for who he is. Even if you think you give that to him, maybe he needs it more often. You see what I mean?

[GreenEyedLady]

I didn't get that from her post. Did I miss something?

 

I wasn't talking about the original post, but one following it.

[Haloandhorns85]

I understand that he brought it up.

 

You go on to say that you think he might be insecure about you going to school when he did not.

 

Maybe what he needs is reassurance from you. That you love him for who he is. Even if you think you give that to him, maybe he needs it more often. You see what I mean?

 

 

I'm sorry but I still don't see what you are trying to point out. I didn't say that he is insecure about me going to school. He is perturbed...a lil jealous maybe? But that's not the point. There is no way I can do anything about that. And he knows I love him for exactly who he is. I tell him how proud I am of him often. He works in contruction and has built various buildings throughout our town, in which I get to brag on him and his talents to all my friends when we pass one! And I do it in front of him too! This doesn't have anything to do with whether he wants to go to school or not. It has to do with how people look at and think about needs in a relationship. I wasn't trying to say my needs are more important. I was just wondering if I am missing something with the way needs are thought about in men and women. And if my response to his question was wrong to say.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, perhaps you both need to sit down and establish two things:

How you both define what needs are, and whether you fulfil them for each other....

 

Could I just add a couple of points here:

I used to work with a counselling organisation, and these kinds of 'exercises' are fraught with problems, unless you both agree that neither of you is criticising in a condemnatory way. You're both trying to bring constructive elements to your discussion, but very often, without a neutral third party present, it can become something someone begins to take personally.

 

Secondly, this same organisation used to run a pre-marriage course for couples about to get married in Church. As a practising Catholic, as I once was, I used to help run these courses, which were an inarguable, non-negotiable requirement from the church.

Couples used to arrive for these courses, feeling extremely disgruntled and offended that they were being forced to attend this course. They had very often known each other for a very long time, had perhaps been living together for a while, and some even had children. So this pre-marriage course seemed an affront to their commitment.

 

However, virtually without exception, the couples were extremely glad to have attended. They found things out about each other, that neither of them had had any idea existed.....

There was one particular exercise that opened their eyes:

On a single sheet of paper, were several factors which were components of a marriage, but which the participants had to separate into strips (one factor per strip) and re-arrange them into the order they fwelt was most importnt, to least important. The couples had to do this on their own, then compare the results with their partners.

 

How many people were actually at odds, and had absolutely no idea that their partner thought so differently, never ceased to amaze me...

 

Over the three years I did this, two couples actually cancelled their wedding, realising they had issues thy needed to resolve before making such a commitment.

One couple, knowing events were too close to alter, booked sessions with a qualified counsellor for when they returned from their honeymoon (!) and six different couples delayed their weddings.....

 

Incredible as it may seem, these weekends did much to amend the viewpoints both people had grown accustomed to, about each other. Many had to re-evaluate their roles....

 

Without exception, every person who still resented the course they'd had to attend, and had thought it wasn't worth attending (although very few) were men.

 

One technique which is extraordinarily effective is the Speaker-Listener technique. It really helps couples focus, and as it suggests, helps with both listening and speaking skills.....

If you'd like me to illustrate, let me know.

I've hogged enough space for now!

[Haloandhorns85]

Well, perhaps you both need to sit down and establish two things:

How you both define what needs are, and whether you fulfil them for each other....

 

Could I just add a couple of points here:

I used to work with a counselling organisation, and these kinds of 'exercises' are fraught with problems, unless you both agree that neither of you is criticising in a condemnatory way. You're both trying to bring constructive elements to your discussion, but very often, without a neutral third party present, it can become something someone begins to take personally.

 

Secondly, this same organisation used to run a pre-marriage course for couples about to get married in Church. As a practising Catholic, as I once was, I used to help run these courses, which were an inarguable, non-negotiable requirement from the church.

Couples used to arrive for these courses, feeling extremely disgruntled and offended that they were being forced to attend this course. They had very often known each other for a very long time, had perhaps been living together for a while, and some even had children. So this pre-marriage course seemed an affront to their commitment.

 

However, virtually without exception, the couples were extremely glad to have attended. They found things out about each other, that neither of them had had any idea existed.....

There was one particular exercise that opened their eyes:

On a single sheet of paper, were several factors which were components of a marriage, but which the participants had to separate into strips (one factor per strip) and re-arrange them into the order they fwelt was most importnt, to least important. The couples had to do this on their own, then compare the results with their partners.

 

How many people were actually at odds, and had absolutely no idea that their partner thought so differently, never ceased to amaze me...

 

Over the three years I did this, two couples actually cancelled their wedding, realising they had issues thy needed to resolve before making such a commitment.

One couple, knowing events were too close to alter, booked sessions with a qualified counsellor for when they returned from their honeymoon (!) and six different couples delayed their weddings.....

 

Incredible as it may seem, these weekends did much to amend the viewpoints both people had grown accustomed to, about each other. Many had to re-evaluate their roles....

 

Without exception, every person who still resented the course they'd had to attend, and had thought it wasn't worth attending (although very few) were men.

 

One technique which is extraordinarily effective is the Speaker-Listener technique. It really helps couples focus, and as it suggests, helps with both listening and speaking skills.....

If you'd like me to illustrate, let me know.

I've hogged enough space for now!

 

 

Wow..that's some good techniques to find out differences in the ideas of needs and the order of their importance. I really like it and I plan on trying it out. Could you give me a few examples of the factors of the compnents of marriage you were talking about? Would you also please explain the speaker-listener technique? I am curious. Also, I am getting off work now, so I will not be able to respond until tomorrow morning. Thank you!!

[Geishawhelk]

These are the items that couples had to separate into strips, and place in order of what they felt was most important, to least important. you might think of some of your own...

 

 

Man as head of the family

 

A common faith

 

Children in our marriage

 

Job and career

 

Marriage until Death

 

Finance

 

Talking to my partner about sex

 

Sharing thoughts and feeling with each other

 

God's presence in our marriage

 

Romance in our marriage

 

Having identical views on all things

 

Total openness with one another

 

 

And this is the speaker-Listener Technique.

 

The Speaker/Listener technique

 

Rules for the Speaker:

 Speak for yourself; don't mindread!

 Keep statements brief; don't go on and on, and on!

 Stop to let the Listener paraphrase.

Rules for the Listener:

 Paraphrase what you hear, don’t try to interpret the Speaker's meaning.

 Focus on their message.

 Don't rebut (reject, deny, contradict, try to prove to the contrary, etc.)

RULES FOR BOTH:

 The Speaker has the floor, i.e., has the stage, card and the right to speak.

 The Speaker has the floor all the time the Listener paraphrases. When he/she is satisfied that they have been 'Heard' correctly, they can then pass the card over.

 Share the floor equally. Symbolise this by passing this card one to the other.

 

This needs elaborating upon, but I too, (being in the UK!) have to get ready for work - so I'll be happy to come in a bit later if I can, and do just that.

 

GW.

[Geishawhelk]

OK:

The problem with discussions, is that we all too often (unconsciously) do two things:

ONE: We lay the blame for how we feel, onto the other person. This is quite natural. We're feeling a particular way because of something they're either doing, or not doing, so naturally, we look to them as a cause.

Fair enough.

But hard as it may be to swallow, how we feel, is how we permit ourselves to be affected. Which is why the mature thing to do is to accept ownership of our reactions and responses....

 

TWO: We begin to formulate a defensive response, before the other person has finished. We're already thinking about what they've just said, how it's affecting us, and how we want to reply. So we've listened to part one, but we're formulating a retaliation during part 2. Consequently we might actually be missing the point.

 

This technique deals with both of these pitfalls - This is how it runs: The person with the issue to discuss, holds a piece of card (during the Speaker/Listener technique exercises, couples would hold the actual card with all the above instructions on it. In reality, you could hold anything... An orange, a duster, a piece of bread. I would advise trying to avoid sharp objects or heavy blunt instruments....! )

 

The person holding the object, begins by stating what their problem is:

 

for example, (M = me, H = him.) I start, I'm holding the object:

 

M: I really get a little bit upset when I'm in the kitchen cooking us dinner, after a long hard day at work, and I see you come in and grab something from the fridge to eat. It's obvious I'm preparing a meal for us, so I'm just a little hurt when you feel the need to eat something there and then....

 

Notice how I have taken full responsibility for how this is affecting me. I haven't used any accusatory language, I haven't judged or criticised. I haven't said "you do this", or "I hate it when you do that" or "why do you insist on...". In short, I have taken and accepted ownership of my own sentiments... And it's wise to discard the words 'Always' and 'never' from an argument, BTW....

 

I'm still holding the object, and he is free to respond. But what he has to do now, is merelyy say back to me, what he has heard me say. he can abridge, but he can't interpret.

 

H: I see. You get really angry when I get home, dive in the fridge, and have a snack, even though dinner's only about ten minutes off....

 

M: That's just about it, but I get upset, not angry; I feel a bit offended, as if my efforts are being taken for granted....

 

H:OK, sorry.... You get upset, because you think I'm just taking the P**s and ignoring your efforts....or not taking them into account... is that more like it?

 

M: Yes, that's pretty much how it makes me feel.

 

Now that I feel satisfied that he's not only listened to - but also 'HEARD' - me, I feel comfortable handing the object over. The floor is now his.

 

H: Well, usually, working in the office, I have deadlines I have to meet, and group meetings over-run, so I don't always have time to grab a lunch. By the time I get home, I'm ravenous... and I can see you're cooking something, and I can see that usually, it's something we both love.

I don't want to wolf it down, and ruin the meal by being so hungry that it loses its quality. I do appreciate your cooking for us, but I want to relax and enjoy my meal with you calmly and slowly. I don't want to risk indigestion....

 

M: So it's because you miss lunch, and feel over-hungry, that you decide to eat something just before dinner....you've probably gone without something substantial since breakfast....and you want to just take the edge off your appetite so's you can enjoy the meal more sedately....?

 

H: yep, that just about covers it....

 

(hands back the object.....)

 

M: Perhaps in that case, we could agree that either you take something to eat, for during the day, or you could call me to let me know whether you've eaten or not. In which case, I could either re-time dinner, and have a snack waiting, or we can eat together earlier... would that work for you?

 

H: yes, I don't see why that would be difficult... but if neither of those pan out, and I come home with no previous news, I'll ask if you mind if I grab a quick bite of something light... would that be ok...?

 

Now, a colleague and I actually did this little scenario as a demo for the couples taking part. The moment I mentioned my problem, a peal of laughter ran round the room. I think it was actually a common problem.... !

 

One couple who actually came to counselling (I was allowed to sit in on the session as a trainee counsellor) had been together for 7 years, and were about to get married. he was Greek and she was British. A difficulty she faced was to be able to deal with his very domineering and possessive mother, whose strong mediterranean temperament had been difficult for her to cope with.

She began by holding the card - and he would constantly try to either interrupt, or appease her, or dismiss her fears... the counsellor, kept having to put her hand on his forearm, and repeating "No, listen. Let her finish...."

After 9 (yes, NINE!) attempts at speaking, he sat back in his chair, a look of amazement on his face...

"You really are very concerned about my mother, aren't you?"

She burst into tears. It was the first time in 7 years and 9 attempts, that she felt he'd finally heard her.

[Haloandhorns85]

Thank you for the further explanation on both techniques! I'm actually going to print out these techniques to show to my SO so that he will get the whole concept too. I'm sure that he will be willing to try them, he is always willing to try anything to help our relationship.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm glad you found them helpful...

If you need further feedback, please don't hesitate to contact me, (here or via PM) I'd be happy to offer whatever support I can.

I have the entire workshop course manual, but if you can actually find a mature, caring and impartial friend who could "arbitrate" it would be an advantage. Please don't think I'm insulting or belittling your ability or maturity to be able to deal with things by yourselves....It's just that occasionally, as you're both directly involved, it's hard to know how to move some things forward without a third neutral voice helping out.

 

All the very best to you both.

[Trialbyfire]

Geish has wonderful advice about communicating! She's da' best!

 

Something to consider Halo. No one person can meet every need. As long as your husband understands this so it's not an attack on his ability to be a wonderful husband in general, it can only be a positive discussion.

[Haloandhorns85]

Geish has wonderful advice about communicating! She's da' best!

 

Something to consider Halo. No one person can meet every need. As long as your husband understands this so it's not an attack on his ability to be a wonderful husband in general, it can only be a positive discussion.

 

 

Thats what I tried to explain to him. But, being the kind of person he is, he wants to meet my every need and be the perfect partner. He gets so frustrated when he doesn't understand me or my reasons or my thoughts or my feelings. We look at things so differently which was why I posted. My thought was that we have completely differing thoughts on what a need actually is. But I am going to use the techniques that Geish described to help us further our understanding of each other and our expectations of our relationship and each other. I hear "Women are so difficult to understand!" often, lol. I have to do something to help him maybe see inside my brain and me into his, lol. He really is an awesome SO. He really tries so hard to understand me...I feel bad for him sometimes b/c half the time I don't even understand me!! LOL!