is he cheating again ...

[cheatedongirl76]

Hi can you all give me your advice? I have been in a long term relationship for the last couple of years. We broke up around this time last year, my boyfriend cheated on me with another woman. It was more than just sex, it was a short relationship. He won't admit it but I think he left me for her and then came crawling back when he realised she was basically just using him and he had made a mistake. Also I did try hard to win him back from her clutches because I love him and we have a child..it made sense at the time.... but I did make it clear that there would be no second chances.

 

It's been difficult but we have rebuilt and its been good and I have felt that he was being honest with me. But although I have felt things are OK, things have happened to raise my suspicions and I'm wondering if my intuition is just plain wrong? He asked me randomly out of the blue how I thought his daughter would cope with another woman in his life if we broke up which I thought was a weird thing to ask me. I asked him why he was even thinking about that and he just said it was just theoretical....About six weeks ago we had some quite steamy sex (he wanted to do stuff we don't normally do and was unusually up for it but it seemed all about him and not me) and then.. we just stopped having sex, basically it seems like he has lost interest (not me). I can put it down to other things.... but it does also coincide with me finding the woman he cheated with had re-appeared as his "friend" on Facebook. I was very upset and he promised and ASSURED me that there was nothing to it at all and removed his Facebook profile to put my mind at ease.

 

I had believed him... until tonight. He had accidentally left a webpage open for a webmail account which he never normally uses. There were two unread messages FROM HER from about five days ago, talking about some career stuff that he seems to be/have been at some stage helping her with and signed off with kisses. There were no messages from him in the sent box or in an email chain. Although there wasn't any "smoking gun", it seems fishy to me - he knows how I feel about this woman and he promised to end any relationship, even friendship with her...but regardless of this promise and what he tells me - he is carrying on in secret ANYWAY. And using an old email account seems strange. Why does she have this address and why is she using it to contact him?

 

I'm not sure why he would have left her messages unread for so long? And I doubt its physical as the emails were just about work (albeit flirty from her). But ......it could progress to that, I suspect he wanders when he feels stressed in our relationship and he needs the reassurance so probably sporadically in contact from time to time with her... and she is happy to exploit that vulnerability for her career and of course she wants him for herself so she lurks around. I feel so angry, he is not a dumb guy, surely he can see it for what it is?? Or maybe his ego is too needy. Why can't people see the kind of person the other woman/man really is, someone who happily breaks up relationships and selfishly hurts innocent children for their own gain? Sickening.

 

Anyway I am certain that if I challenge him about this he will flat out deny deny deny. He has only ever admitted anything in the past when I have had indisputable hard evidence and even then he has tried to fudge it and hide the truth and never ever told me the whole story. I'm certain he will say that she is persuing him but he's not interested, he felt bad for her and that he had to help, he knows its above board but didn't tell me in case I got upset..AND he will turn it on me and it into a discussion about how I am insecure and get angry that I looked at his emails and shift the focus onto me that way. In any event I just won't believe what he says anyway now he has kept this hidden from me. So why go through the whole pointless exercise?

 

I don't know what to do. Shall I give him the benefit of the doubt and watch/wait to see if there is anything more? It might get me the hard evidence I need so I don't doubt myself. And if it is truly innocent (she is stalking him, stuff they did together was ages ago).... then it would be a real shame to ditch someone who has just got their act together. And I would be devastated to end it and have this other woman swoop in before I could change my mind. Its possible I am overreacting because of the history rather than what is really happening in the present.

 

Or is his secrecy bad enough to justify ending it, given the woman involved and the background to it all?! Basically my trust in him has been blown... again. I am really sick and tired and fed up!! I don't know if I can just sit quitely on this as it makes my blood boil. I have been way too patient in the past and look where it got me. Even if it is innocent, its so disrespectful. If its really above board and he really wants it then at least have the guts to talk with me about it. At its best it still shows he will do what he likes regardless of promises if he thinks he can get away it. In a way I feel like letting her have him, maybe they deserve each other. And surely I deserve not to be here asking complete strangers for advice because I can't get a straight answer out of my own man.

 

But (here comes that old cliche used by men + women to justfy all kinds of BS from their partners).....I love him.

 

What do you all think?

 

Thanks for listening to this.

[Lizzie60]

Wow... you need hard evidence.. you might never get it.. and he will have all the fun in the world and you will give him the benefit of the doubt..

 

My gawd.. this guy is still cheating.. it's quite clear.. so many 'signs' ...

 

Men cheat... and once a cheater .. always a cheater (most of the time).. I know it sucks.. but it's life...

 

I have always said it and will always say it : no one can expect a partner to be faithful (especially a man) for a long period of time... it just won't happen.

 

My advice: pack your stuff and your daughter and move on your own.. I doubt very much that he will change.. he has cheated .. and now is disrespectful and doesn't seem to give a sh*t... just kick him to the curb.

[just-a-girl]

That is a sketchy situation and at this point he needs to be building your trust back up not talking to randoms online. I think that people can change but sometimes they just don't have the desire. I appreciate that past behavior predicts future behavior but occasionally people do things that are out of character that can be changed. If he is not working to build trust then I would say this is one of those situations that e has no intent to change. Tell him to kick rocks and move on!!!!

[Walk]

The one thing that really sticks out to me is the fact that he has never really admitted to what happened the first time. Not until you had cold hard facts, and he couldn't weasel out of it. And even at that, it doesn't sound as if he really understood the damage he caused, or what caused him to have the affair in the first place. If that's the case then nothing was ever fixed. He was simply caught, and he laid low until recently.

 

Anyway.. take this for what it's worth, but I cheated on my exh, and until I was capable of willingly admitting to him (without having it pried from my lips) that I cheated then I wasn't capable of confronting the issues that were the catalyst for the infedelity. I couldn't even admit to myself that what I did was wrong up until that point.

 

Let me say again... I was incapable of behaving as an adult until I accepted, and openly admitted my actions without having it pried from me. I acted like a spoiled brat who only wanted her way and would do anything to lie, cheat, or decieve to get it. I had to openly admit to my partner and to myself how self-centered and spoiled I had been.

 

In my opinion, your guy is cheating again. It may not be physical, but he promised you that he would remove that woman from his life and she's still there. He lied, he's going behind your back, and he's abusing your trust in him. He's taking from you something that is important to your relationship (trust and respect).

 

What I think you need to do is kick him out. Last time he cheated he got to feel wanted by 2 women! Why wouldn't he repeat that behavior again, and again? He has nothing to lose by being unfaithful. He's given up nothing to be with you. He hasn't had an epiphony's on how badly he screwed up the first time, nor any real growth that would allow him to choose a different path the second time. He's still the same exact guy who cheated on you the first time... why would you expect him to change?

 

You need to put your foot down, hard, and with a swift kick to his genitals. Do not tolerate this. The more you give the more he'll take. Set boundaries, be firm, and don't tolerate "I promise baby, she came on to me". No excuses. All you want are results or he's gone. Don't waffle on this. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. However, you have a child who will learn from your example... what example do you want to teach your child? Healthy respect for how they wish to be treated, or as long as the other person will stay then put up with anything?