Strip Club

[fadinglove]

I'm sure this may have been addresses before but never the less I need advise.

 

Last night I found out that my husband went to a strip club while we were engaged. I had asked him a couple of times in the past if he had ever been to one while we have been together and he has said "no" everytime. Even last night he lied and said "no" at first untill he finally admitted it. While he was trying to explain he kept saying that he didn't want to go, but went with them anyways. He also said he was only there 20 minutes. I believe he is still lieing to me.

 

I have never felt the way I do right now. I feel betrayed. He lied to me, kept a secret, and knowingly did something that he knew would bother me. I just dont understand why he would do this when he know that I am self concious about my self enough as it is.

 

On top of that he is alway accusing me/ suggesting in different ways that I am cheating. They say that when a person does that it means they are the ones with a guilty concious.

[angie2443]

I have never felt the way I do right now. I feel betrayed. He lied to me, kept a secret, and knowingly did something that he knew would bother me. I just dont understand why he would do this when he know that I am self concious about my self enough as it is. .

 

Is this relationship really worth staying in? If there are no kids, this is the time to get out. I would take a break from your marriage and evaluate your situation. If you want to stay, then you have a lot of work to do.

[saraispiel19]

oh hun. I would hate to break it to you but guys don't just go to strip clubs to "watch" as they say and strippers are there to make money so they'll try to get money from any sucker they seen (sorry boys- they're just not into you) and I'm pretty sure your husband wasn't dragged and beaten to enter the XX building. I say start counting your money (salaries you recieve) because I'm pretty sure a few weeks from now your going to be like "where the heck is that 50$?"...

 

When a guy is always saying "oh your cheating on me" and playing the blame game TRUTHFULLY they are hiding something TRUST ME! My husband did the exact same thing always telling me I was the one doing things when I was not and guess what he was hiding something!

 

Confront the man, although when I did my husband swore up and down he didn't do anything! So if all else fails find proof- be your own detective- if you want answers and he's not giving them to you straight you have two choices my dear:

 

1-find out for yourself: be your own detective find out stuff for yourself!

 

2- Leave the relationship: It's not worth wasting all your time on a man who is leaving you out like that.

 

--- I want to ask: what are his other behaviours, does he get easily upset with you? Is there anything out there that could be a rad flag?

 

 

Goodluck and keep us posted!

[Adamagnet]

He lied to me, kept a secret, and knowingly did something that he knew would bother me. I just dont understand why he would do this when he know that I am self concious about my self enough as it is.

 

All humans lie and if they say they don't, they are lying, in denial, or delusional.

 

On top of that he is alway accusing me/ suggesting in different ways that I am cheating. They say that when a person does that it means they are the ones with a guilty concious.

 

Do you think you are more attractive than he is or more outgoing?

[TheDaddyDuck]

so are you mad he lied or mad he went to a strip club?

 

if you are mad he lied, you need to evaluate why he felt the need to hide it from you. could it be you are judgemental and unreasonable?

 

if you are mad he went to a strip club, then no wonder he lied!

[fadinglove]

 

--- I want to ask: what are his other behaviours, does he get easily upset with you? Is there anything out there that could be a rad flag?

 

 

Goodluck and keep us posted!

 

We argue a lot. He gets mad easily but so do I. I take care of everything around the house. His only responsibility is to feed the dogs. I handle the bills, cooking, shopping, etc. I feel like he is so unappreciative.

 

When I do ask him to do something he says i'm nagging and bitching at him. He blames me for the way he acts. "If you wern't such a bitch I wouldn't ________" (insert what ever fits at the time)

 

He says I don't love him because I don't want to have sex all the time. When really the reason is because I am mad and fustrated with him, thus making me not want to be near him.

 

He drinks too much and drives home drunk. He feels like he doesn't have a problem and that its okay to keep doing what he is doing.

 

The list could go on....

[Lizzie60]

Drop that jerk.. he's not worth your time or your energy...

 

He is using you.. you are his doormat, doing everything for him.. and he treats you like dirt.. he DUI... wow.. what a moron!!!

[TheDaddyDuck]

 

...

He drinks too much and drives home drunk. He feels like he doesn't have a problem and that its okay to keep doing what he is doing.

 

The list could go on....

 

 

sounds like a loser to me ... anyone not capable of understanding the risk of DUI isnt someone I would want to tie my life plans to.

 

grade A loser ...

[Moose]

The only thing I see that your husband did wrong was lie to you.

 

Going to a strip club while engaged is not um-common now and days.

 

Personally, I don't see any difference in a strip club compared to some billboards internet ads, or store displays.....how do you feel that he has no choice BUT to look at that stuff??

 

This isn't an issue that constitutes negating your vows, let along divorce.....

[Moose]

The list could go on....

Well.....wish I had the list before I posted.....hmmm, sounds familiar to my life now!!!

[angie2443]

Listen to Lizzie60. It sounds like there is no reason for you to stay.

[Desperado620]

Lose the zero and get a hero.

 

No man deserves to call you names, and no man goes to a strip club if he really doesn't want to go.

 

Sorry, much luck.

[Moose]

Listen to Lizzie60. It sounds like there is no reason for you to stay.

OR.....you could honor your vows, (like you should) and not enable him anymore.

 

Alcholism is a disease people.....my marriage was similiar to this one.....you couldn't tell that now, but it was.....

 

The end result by sticking to your commitment is an un-breakable bond between you both.

 

Again, I don't think it's worth divorce and certainly not worth negating your honor.....

[Jennifer26]

Oh.. how I can relate to this.

 

My husband went to a strip club while we were engaged (and I was four months pregnant). He too lied about it, but I noticed a rather large withdrawal of money from our bank account to some DJ company. I called the bank and they gave me the real name, which was a strip club.

 

I was livid! Not only because he had lied, but because from day ONE of our relationship I had told him I would never, ever be okay with him going to a strip club and he said he agreed with me and that no man in a relationship should need to go and that he wouldn't.

 

Anyway. . I considered leaving him. Being pregnant made the decision more difficult and he swore that he too was dragged there, had no lap dances, and pretty much sat in a corner and drank a few beers.

 

Years later, he begins an EA with another woman. The man he went to the strip club with (who happens to be a relative of mine) and I were talking and I was telling him about the EA and how upset I was. He told me that he had something he felt he needed to tell me, and that was that my husband had spent the money (husband claimed he borrowed it to relative) and had disappeared with a stripper for two hours and left him there. Says he never told me because he felt bad for going with my husband in the first place, and that he didn't want to upset me any further because I was pregnant and very emotional already.

 

So I confronted my husband. He admitted to lap dances, but denies that he went off with a stripper.

 

But he denied going in the first place, then denied the lap dances, now denies being alone with stripper for hours. How can I believe him?

 

I honestly wish sometimes I would have left him when I first found out. It was a major red flag but I chose to ignore it because I was afraid of being pregnant and on my own.

[angie2443]

OR.....you could honor your vows, (like you should) and not enable him anymore.

 

Alcholism is a disease people.....my marriage was similiar to this one.....you couldn't tell that now, but it was.....

 

The end result by sticking to your commitment is an un-breakable bond between you both.

 

Again, I don't think it's worth divorce and certainly not worth negating your honor.....

 

I usually agree with the honering the vows thing, but when a person is bieng treated like crap in a marriage, then it's time to leave.

[D-Lish]

I really don't have issues with my SO going to strip clubs... as long as it isn't a regular occurance. If he wants to go a few times a year to blow off steam and do something with the guys- It simply doesn't bother me.

I've been to strip clubs many times with my guy friends and I don't see what the big deal is.

 

However- I WOULD have a problem if my SO lied and went behind my back.

 

Is it the lying or the fact that he went that is a problem?

Lots of guys do get peer pressured into going... I've witnessed how one dude calling another dude a "pussy" for not going along with the gang has had a major influence.

[Ruby Slippers]

Drop that jerk.. he's not worth your time or your energy...

 

He is using you.. you are his doormat, doing everything for him.. and he treats you like dirt.. he DUI... wow.. what a moron!!!

Agreed. He sounds like a jerk.

[saraispiel19]

You already sound independent (handling all the REAL responisiblities) you just have like 200 pounds of pure baby on you- I say lose the excess wieght.

 

 

Goodluck to ya and we'll stand by you in whatever decision you decide to make!

[Jennifer26]

I really don't have issues with my SO going to strip clubs... as long as it isn't a regular occurance. If he wants to go a few times a year to blow off steam and do something with the guys- It simply doesn't bother me.

I've been to strip clubs many times with my guy friends and I don't see what the big deal is.

 

However- I WOULD have a problem if my SO lied and went behind my back.

 

Is it the lying or the fact that he went that is a problem?

Lots of guys do get peer pressured into going... I've witnessed how one dude calling another dude a "pussy" for not going along with the gang has had a major influence.

 

I have a problem with both.

 

There are plenty of things he can do with the guys that don't include having another woman putting her boobs in his face.

 

To me a strip club is so much worse than porn. It is live physical contact with another woman, and I consider it cheating.

 

If he is too afraid of his friends calling him a "pussy" and is willing to do something he knows I am strongly against and would hurt me - then I probably would be better off with someone more mature.

[Lookingforward]

I"d be way more concerned with the drinking while drunk than the stupid strip clubs myself............

[fadinglove]

OR.....you could honor your vows, (like you should) and not enable him anymore.

 

Alcholism is a disease people.....my marriage was similiar to this one.....you couldn't tell that now, but it was.....

 

The end result by sticking to your commitment is an un-breakable bond between you both.

 

Again, I don't think it's worth divorce and certainly not worth negating your honor.....

 

This is why I am so torn. I do not want to break my vows. How can I get him to see he has problems and needs to work on this. He keeps teling me he loves me. I asked him if he wanted to leave me and he said no.

 

I found out last night that he has smoked weed on occasion since we've been together. When we first started dating he agreed to stop doing it because he knew it bothered me. Has he been hiding this all along as well. I don't know what to think anymore. It makes me feel sick wondering what other things he is lieing about and not telling me. He said to me last night "I want to live my life!" after I confronted him about the weed.

[fadinglove]

Oh.. how I can relate to this.

 

My husband went to a strip club while we were engaged (and I was four months pregnant). He too lied about it, but I noticed a rather large withdrawal of money from our bank account to some DJ company. I called the bank and they gave me the real name, which was a strip club.

 

I was livid! Not only because he had lied, but because from day ONE of our relationship I had told him I would never, ever be okay with him going to a strip club and he said he agreed with me and that no man in a relationship should need to go and that he wouldn't.

 

Anyway. . I considered leaving him. Being pregnant made the decision more difficult and he swore that he too was dragged there, had no lap dances, and pretty much sat in a corner and drank a few beers.

 

Years later, he begins an EA with another woman. The man he went to the strip club with (who happens to be a relative of mine) and I were talking and I was telling him about the EA and how upset I was. He told me that he had something he felt he needed to tell me, and that was that my husband had spent the money (husband claimed he borrowed it to relative) and had disappeared with a stripper for two hours and left him there. Says he never told me because he felt bad for going with my husband in the first place, and that he didn't want to upset me any further because I was pregnant and very emotional already.

 

So I confronted my husband. He admitted to lap dances, but denies that he went off with a stripper.

 

But he denied going in the first place, then denied the lap dances, now denies being alone with stripper for hours. How can I believe him?

 

I honestly wish sometimes I would have left him when I first found out. It was a major red flag but I chose to ignore it because I was afraid of being pregnant and on my own.

 

SO what about now Jennifer? Are you still with him after this EA?

[angie2443]

This is why I am so torn. I do not want to break my vows. How can I get him to see he has problems and needs to work on this. He keeps teling me he loves me. I asked him if he wanted to leave me and he said no.

 

I found out last night that he has smoked weed on occasion since we've been together. When we first started dating he agreed to stop doing it because he knew it bothered me. Has he been hiding this all along as well. I don't know what to think anymore. It makes me feel sick wondering what other things he is lieing about and not telling me. He said to me last night "I want to live my life!" after I confronted him about the weed.

 

I read an article once about couples who were happily married for years. They said one of their secrets is that learned to tolerate and accept the more annoying parts of their partners personality. However, they would never tolerate abuse( verbal or physically), drug, and cheating. These were the three deal breakers. It sounds like your husband already broke two. Vows are important when married to a decent person. In your situation, you sound like you made the vows to the wrong person. I'd leave before it gets worse.

[Jennifer26]

SO what about now Jennifer? Are you still with him after this EA?

Yes, we're still married.

 

He still says he never had an EA, which makes it really difficult for me to move past. We've also had many issues when it comes to porn in our marriage as well.

 

I don't feel like I can trust him, and am constantly worrying about what he might do. It is honestly destroying me.

 

I began some individual counseling not long ago, and convinced my husband to go as well. I am hoping we can start some marital counseling soon. Recently (in the past few weeks) I have discovered something about my husband that I never knew that is somewhat shocking. I don't want to go into detail about it because it is very personal to him and I think he'd be hurt if he knew I discussed it on a message board. But it was very traumatic and I think it is the cause for his sexual addiction and some of his behavior.

 

I don't know if things will ultimately work out. Some days I think maybe, others I am sure they won't.

 

For the time being, I am just trying to get myself into a better place. For many years my life has revolved around him, and we spend almost all of our free time together. I have no life outside of him and that makes it so much harder to be strong if it does come to me needing to leave.

 

I just started a book club, and I've had sixteen women respond wanting to join. I also began some scrapbooking, and will be going to some classes for that and began doing my food blog again (I love to cook), and have been writing in a journal everyday, exercising and just trying to focus on myself and less on what he is doing.

 

I know once I get some of my independence back, and myself in a place where I am feeling good about myself I will be able to make more informed decisions on what needs to happen next in our marriage.

[Moose]

How can I get him to see he has problems and needs to work on this.

You can't. He'll have to hit rock bottom on his own, and as painfull as it will be, you need to set back and let it happen to him....

He keeps teling me he loves me. I asked him if he wanted to leave me and he said no.

I'm sure he does love you. But asking him to stop doing these things is like taking the control of his life from him.....that's not going to happen....

I found out last night that he has smoked weed on occasion since we've been together. When we first started dating he agreed to stop doing it because he knew it bothered me. Has he been hiding this all along as well.

Probably so. I know I did.

He said to me last night "I want to live my life!" after I confronted him about the weed.

Confronting him about these things will only make the situation worse.

 

Realize that he's lying to you, and let him continue this path on his own. He'll fall flat on his face, (PLEASE TRUST ME ON THAT ONE) and will need someone there to build him back up the right way. It's your choice whether or not that person will be you.

 

One last thing....DON'T LET HIM WALK ALL OVER YOU.....treat him like an adult, (an adult with issues) but like you would any other person you know who drinks / smokes dope.....