Strip Club

[Desperado620]

cyabye... why don't you hop on a pole. Sit 'n spin. I bet the strip club is still the only place you get to see a woman who isn't fully clothed.

 

Fading, I think you've done a very good thing. While you make him feel special by cooking him a nice dinner, you've also let him know how his actions/words have hurt you and given him a prime opportunity to make these things right with you.

 

You did say that you'll continue to give it your all, but don't let this get one-sided. If you're giving your all and he's giving nothing, that's your cue. What really gets under my skin is that he called you a bitch. My husband and I have had some pretty bad arguments, but there is NO name-calling allowed. That's verbal abuse.

 

Your husband also lied to you. I lied to my husband, once, too. We had tried to quit smoking cigarettes, and he did it, but I didn't. I was so proud of him and dissapointed in myself that I kept smoking and hid it. My husband found out and told me that he wasn't upset I was smoking. He was really upset that I lied about it. Thankfully, my husband and I worked through the problem and I haven't ever lied to him again.

 

If what you want is to keep working on your marriage, go for it with all your heart, but keep in mind, marriage is a two way street. I would take a hint from Jennifer and start working on some activities of your own that don't involve him. That will make the decision easier if the time ever comes to split.

 

Good luck, girl.

[saraispiel19]

-ah just went back and read your other posts and I couldn't edit the last one I posted so:

 

::edit::

 

Have you told your husband everything your feeling--what you said on this thread?

 

I think he's hesistant to counciling but what he said gives you more than enough to make an appointment with a therapist (have you made on yet?)- there are many community councilors out there that could help you if you do need financial help.

 

Goodluck to ya!

[angie2443]

I agree. And who are you to assume what we do in bed. We have a good sex life thank you.

 

Also to clear the air this was one occurance. I did not say that he IS going to strip clubs and again, strip clubs is not the only issue.

 

Fadinglove, in the future you might want to omit words or phrases such as strip club from you thread title. These words are hot button words that cause such strong emotional reactions that the thread starts becomming about the word (strip club) rather than what you first intended. Your post was about alot more than strip clubs.

[fadinglove]

Fadinglove, in the future you might want to omit words or phrases such as strip club from you thread title. These words are hot button words that cause such strong emotional reactions that the thread starts becomming about the word (strip club) rather than what you first intended. Your post was about alot more than strip clubs.

 

Angie - I know. It was the "last straw" so to speak. I had a different title and it said I couldn't use it. (Not sure why).

 

In the letter I basically left it up to him and implied that if he was not willing to try then maybe we need to move on.

 

We already live pretty independant lives. He has his things and I have mine. If all this works out we need to focus on spending time together. The name calling truly hurts and this is a battle I have been fighting for years. He use to never do it then it esclated and now he has slowly been working on it. I'm still not sure he sees that it is wrong. I never call him names unless we are joking and playing around.

 

When I talked to him the other night we agreed that we need to have a date night, where it is just us. He picked the day. We also agreed to be more sexual toward one another. I truly believe that there could be a light at the end of this dark tunnel that we have been traveling through.

[saraispiel19]

When I talked to him the other night we agreed that we need to have a date night, where it is just us. He picked the day. We also agreed to be more sexual toward one another. I truly believe that there could be a light at the end of this dark tunnel that we have been traveling through.

 

 

Oh yea definately, if both parties are willing to "work things out" then yes it can work out. Best of luck for the both of you.

[cyabye]

Jesus people get off my back. I have NO idea how her sex life is with her husband (when they are together). My P.S. was meant to be taken jokingly. That is the problem with forums and sending email etc. People can read into things way too much. Read the above paragraph in my post. I was just trying to say they need to make an effort to spend more time together.

 

fadinglove, I apologize if you took what I said the wrong way it was unintentional and I did NOT mean any disrespect to you. I think you are doing the right thing my honoring your vows, cooking, cleaning etc. (wish mine did) through the hard times. I personally think it is very disrespectfull of your husband to keep going to strip clubs and lie about it to you.

 

Desperado620, You are way out of line. I do not visit strip clubs as I think it is a complete waste of money. I refuse to stoop down to your level with the personal insults.

 

Haloandhorns85, Some men are just dogs. PERIOD. But some are trying to satisfy a need or lust that their missus falls short or says NO - FACT.

 

I hope you ALL understand now what I am trying to say and if you don't, I really don't give a s##t! (excluding fadinglove)

 

cyabye

[Jersey Shortie]

But some are trying to satisfy a need or lust that their missus falls short or says NO - FACT.

 

 

Wrong. You blame the "missus" for the fact that a man might visit a strip club. The truth is that the only person to blame is himself.

[demrea]

Wrong. You blame the "missus" for the fact that a man might visit a strip club. The truth is that the only person to blame is himself.

 

why assign blame? there is nothing wrong with going to a strip club. the wrong doing is lying and deciet. the other wrong doing is the partners unreasonable expectation that they can control their SO by telling them where they can go and what to do.

 

of course, its also a problem if one party spends the family money on lap dances, but otherwise stop assigning blame for the simple act of attending a strip club. no one has the right to assign their moral standards to others.

[annieo]

why assign blame? there is nothing wrong with going to a strip club. the wrong doing is lying and deciet. the other wrong doing is the partners unreasonable expectation that they can control their SO by telling them where they can go and what to do.

 

of course, its also a problem if one party spends the family money on lap dances, but otherwise stop assigning blame for the simple act of attending a strip club. no one has the right to assign their moral standards to others.

 

I disagree. Maybe outsiders to the relationship have no right to "assign their moral standards", but I think that spouses DO have this right.

 

OP's h knew she didn't like the strip club thing, and he went anyway, then he compounded his mistake by lying about it. End of story.

If he didn't want to be with a woman who was opposed to strip clubs, he shouldn't have married one.

[demrea]

I disagree. Maybe outsiders to the relationship have no right to "assign their moral standards", but I think that spouses DO have this right.

 

OP's h knew she didn't like the strip club thing, and he went anyway, then he compounded his mistake by lying about it. End of story.

If he didn't want to be with a woman who was opposed to strip clubs, he shouldn't have married one.

 

ok you are right ... i agree, of course married couples have a right to set standards with their spouse, based on their morals or any other set of ideals.

 

that being said, i think the wife is being unreasonable to have that expectation. i do believe it is reasonable to tell your husband there is no need togo strip clubs every week. However, the odd adventure into a strip club should be tolerated. otherwise it creates a situation where the spouse is forced to lie if he wants to make his own adult decision.

[annieo]

ok you are right ... i agree, of course married couples have a right to set standards with their spouse, based on their morals or any other set of ideals.

 

that being said, i think the wife is being unreasonable to have that expectation. i do believe it is reasonable to tell your husband there is no need togo strip clubs every week. However, the odd adventure into a strip club should be tolerated. otherwise it creates a situation where the spouse is forced to lie if he wants to make his own adult decision.

 

I was ok with strip clubs, but our agreement was that he would tell me about it. No scenes, no drama, I might rib him a little, but that would have been it. And he still lied.

Not sure why, but probably because he spent a chunk of change for table dances (not lap, supposedly, but I'll never know, will I?).

Anyway, I used to be OK about a lot of things. Now I've got my guard up, due to his lying. And sadly, I now feel less inclined to be totally honest with him.

[Lookingforward]

I disagree. Maybe outsiders to the relationship have no right to "assign their moral standards", but I think that spouses DO have this right.

 

OP's h knew she didn't like the strip club thing, and he went anyway, then he compounded his mistake by lying about it. End of story.

If he didn't want to be with a woman who was opposed to strip clubs, he shouldn't have married one.

 

But they weren't married at the time........

[annieo]

But they weren't married at the time........

 

Are you saying that you only deserve the truth when you are married? Read the post just above yours.

[saraispiel19]

.....However, the odd adventure into a strip club should be tolerated. otherwise it creates a situation where the spouse is forced to lie if he wants to make his own adult decision.

 

hope my husband doesn't read this but I agree with you. I believe if a man knows he has his options wide open then they think they can do as they please and are happier that way- closing a man off his options and "tying him down" is the whole ordeal that drives a man to lie and do such things.

 

In the end it's all up to the man: does he want to risk losing his companion for someone the may not be there as she?

 

 

Monogamy in the end is quite unrealistic although could be done with great determination and will power. On top of that people aren't really wired up for that sort of thing, however, William Butler Yeats presents a case in point "[Humans] have a big brain; we can decide all sorts of things. Just because there's biology does not mean we are destined to follow any particular biological route"

 

 

By the way Love, how are things going along?

[annieo]

hope my husband doesn't read this but I agree with you. I believe if a man knows he has his options wide open then they think they can do as they please and are happier that way- closing a man off his options and "tying him down" is the whole ordeal that drives a man to lie and do such things.

 

My h did have certain options wide open, and he still chose to be covert and lie. He didn't have to hide what he did, who he is, from me. I was pretty cool and laid back about (even interested) in the whole thing. Went with him a few times.

So, why lie?

My theory is that even though he knew I was ok with strip clubs now and then, he still felt some sort of residual guilt about it, or perhaps, he was up to more than I know. Thanks to the lying, I now feel that I'll never really know the truth.

Strip clubs aren't the problem, dishonesty is.

[demrea]

 

By the way Love, how are things going along?

 

 

did you just call me Love?

 

lol :-)

[demrea]

Strip clubs aren't the problem, dishonesty is.

 

 

fair point ... i agree ... there is nothing wrong with strip clubs in moderation and without deciet. clearly a man who spends his family money and time at a strip club more than a few times a year is cheating his family.

 

by the way, i think lap dances are crossing the line. thats too intimate. but going with a group and drinking and being crude and then moving along, is fine in moderation.

 

lying to your spouse is not.

[saraispiel19]

 

did you just call me Love?

 

lol :-)

 

haha you big silly I meant the orginal poster haha I forgot her name but I new it had something to do with love.

 

Also:

Of course strip clubs aren't the problem, niether are the women your husband choses to sneak around with! Everyone in the end has two choices : be honest or rely on ommission, ommission is easy in a sense but gets harder, honesty is hard but gets easier.

 

Lying is an easy way out but leads you to the wrong proverbial "path". It's a shame when people decide to do so but it is human although not justifing such actions.

[Lookingforward]

Are you saying that you only deserve the truth when you are married? Read the post just above yours.

 

no, I didn't say that...was just pointing out that at the time he wasn't married

[Jersey Shortie]

why assign blame? there is nothing wrong with going to a strip club. the wrong doing is lying and deciet. the other wrong doing is the partners unreasonable expectation that they can control their SO by telling them where they can go and what to do.

 

of course, its also a problem if one party spends the family money on lap dances, but otherwise stop assigning blame for the simple act of attending a strip club. no one has the right to assign their moral standards to others.

 

Considering the nature of what a strip club is, a man is putting himself in a sexual situation with other women. I think if a woman were to do the same, even *just* a few times a year, alot of men would have issue.

 

I unfortunetly find strip clubs disrespectful to man's SO and if he has a family, to his family as well. He is basically selling them out so he can enjoy an 18 year old stripper named Candy.

 

I believe if a man knows he has his options wide open then they think they can do as they please and are happier that way- closing a man off his options and "tying him down" is the whole ordeal that drives a man to lie and do such things.

 

I would think that if a man needed his options open he should stay single no? It doesn't make any sense to be in a committed relationship but want it with such strings as still wanting other women to be avaible to him.

 

 

 

Monogamy in the end is quite unrealistic although could be done with great determination and will power. On top of that people aren't really wired up for that sort of thing, however, William Butler Yeats presents a case in point "[Humans] have a big brain; we can decide all sorts of things. Just because there's biology does not mean we are destined to follow any particular biological route"[/

 

Actually it is a falsehood that we are not wired for monogamy. Biolocially, we are both wired for monogamy and wired against it. We have chemicals on both side of the spectrum that allows us to choose which way we want to go. Monogamy isn't for everyone, but it isn't any more unnatural then someone who wants alot of partners. It takes a different set of skills. But it's incorrect to use the argument that we aren't wired for monogamy when we have chemicals that wire us for just that as much as we have chemicals that wire us agasint it.

 

 

fair point ... i agree ... there is nothing wrong with strip clubs in moderation and without deciet. clearly a man who spends his family money and time at a strip club more than a few times a year is cheating his family.

 

I'd disagree, but that's a matter of personal opinion. I suspect alot of women would agree and feel cheated and exchanged so that her husband, the man that says he loves her so much, can go watch college aged girls gyrate.

 

I wonder how many men would be comfortible with their SO getting up and stripping only a "few times a year". ..you know since it would only be in moderation. I suspect not many men would be happy about that. Yet women are suppose to smile, encourage and still think their man is wonderful when he wants to replace her for a few hours in a strip club with women who don't give a damn about him. Sometimes I wonder about men's priorities.

[demrea]

 

I wonder how many men would be comfortible with their SO getting up and stripping only a "few times a year". ..you know since it would only be in moderation. I suspect not many men would be happy about that. Yet women are suppose to smile, encourage and still think their man is wonderful when he wants to replace her for a few hours in a strip club with women who don't give a damn about him. Sometimes I wonder about men's priorities.

 

 

i can only speak for myself ... i would have no problem with it ...

 

I'd disagree, but that's a matter of personal opinion. I suspect alot of women would agree and feel cheated and exchanged so that her husband, the man that says he loves her so much, can go watch college aged girls gyrate. .

 

these two things do not have to be mutually exclusive ... you can love your wife and not betray her by enjoying a young hottie dancing. however, thats a decision between partners. i just happen to think a wife (or husband) who puts this boundry in place is completly unrational and immature.

[Jersey Shortie]

i can only speak for myself ... i would have no problem with it ...

 

 

That's cool. I suspect most men would mind though.

 

 

 

 

these two things do not have to be mutually exclusive ... you can love your wife and not betray her by enjoying a young hottie dancing. however, thats a decision between partners. i just happen to think a wife (or husband) who puts this boundry in place is completly unrational and immature.

 

 

It depends on your perspective. I consider strip clubs unrational and immature in themselves.

 

And I think there is alot of betraying going on with men who have a wife that loves him but still feels the need to "enjoy a young hottie dancing". If that's what men are about, then don't get married and you don't have to hurt anyone and you can enjoy all the young hotties and strip clubs you want.

 

The fact is that men that wish to partake in strip clubs are men that want their cake and to eat it too and they will do it at the expense of their SO.

[demrea]

That's cool. I suspect most men would mind though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It depends on your perspective. I consider strip clubs unrational and immature in themselves.

 

And I think there is alot of betraying going on with men who have a wife that loves him but still feels the need to "enjoy a young hottie dancing". If that's what men are about, then don't get married and you don't have to hurt anyone and you can enjoy all the young hotties and strip clubs you want.

 

The fact is that men that wish to partake in strip clubs are men that want their cake and to eat it too and they will do it at the expense of their SO.

 

i will clarify ... i cant remember the last time i was at a strip club, its not somewhere I choose to go to just to kill time. i would rather spend the time with my family. however, if there was some reason (a bday party, stag, whatever) to go, I dont think I should have to lie to my wife to make an adult choice. same if she had a party that had male dancers, i wouldnt make it an issue.

[twice_shy]

The only thing I see that your husband did wrong was lie to you.

 

Going to a strip club while engaged is not um-common now and days.

 

Personally, I don't see any difference in a strip club compared to some billboards internet ads, or store displays.....how do you feel that he has no choice BUT to look at that stuff??

 

This isn't an issue that constitutes negating your vows, let along divorce.....

 

It may not be an issue that constitutes negating vows or getting a divorce. But it is an issue that should rightfully land him in the doghouse for a while.

[twice_shy]

hope my husband doesn't read this but I agree with you. I believe if a man knows he has his options wide open then they think they can do as they please and are happier that way- closing a man off his options and "tying him down" is the whole ordeal that drives a man to lie and do such things.

 

If a man doesn't want to be tied down, then he shouldn't get married.

 

And if he feels the need to go to strip clubs, then lie about it, then he isn't fit to be a husband.