I have a crush....on my professor.

[amy_sh81]

First off, I know this is probably the wrong forum to post this message, but it didn't really seem to belong in any of the forums-- I apologize.

 

I'll just jump right in. I'm a 22-year old college student, and this summer I took an English class from a wonderful professor who happens to be exactly 31 years my senior (53). It was a small class, so I got many chances to interact with "Professor G." I found him to be a very intelligent, funny and interesting person, and a few weeks into the semester, I realized I couldn't get him off my mind. I went to many of his office hours under the guise of "needing help" with assignments, never missed a single lecture, stayed at class late to talk to him, etc.

 

Professor G always seemed to welcome my presence and enjoy our conversations. He complimented my writing many times during class and even called a couple of my poems and short stories some of the best works he's ever received. (Yes, I was floating on clouds after that! ) Two weeks ago, I was talking to him during his office hours and he mentioned that the other students really look up to me and think I'm so smart and pretty. I know I shouldn't read anything into that comment, but at the same time I couldn't help but wonder if someone had actually told him that-- or if it was his own guess..?

 

On Wednesday, our last day of class, Professor G gave me a book that he had mentioned a couple times over the course of the semester and urged me to read. I hadn't had time to pick it up yet, and he knew this, and so he went out and bought me a copy. I was so happy! Every nice gesture he has made to me, every compliment he has paid.....I treasure them and cling to them with my whole heart. --It's really very pathetic.

 

Now-- Professor G has a wife and 2 sons, and I know he is only interested me as an excellent student, nothing more. I know this, yet I can't seem to stop thinking about him.....it's been nearly three days since school let out, yet his face is the last thing I picture before I fall asleep, I find myself writing his name absentmindedly on papers, I yearn to talk to him again. (By the way, this is not a superficial attraction. Professor G is by no stretch of imagination what one might label "hot." He resembles Robin Williams much more than he does Richard Gere.)

 

It's gotten to the point where I'm scaring myself with my "obsession" with this man. I know this crush is largely based on fantasy, and I have absolutely no desire or intention to break up his marriage-- not that I'd fool myself into thinking that I even could in the first place! I know a romantic relationship between us is wholly impossible. I really can't figure out what's wrong with me. Why have I become so impossibly drawn to this man? I'm sure this crush is unhealthy and probably makes me out to be some sort of insane little girl to those of you who're reading this, and believe me, if I could kill these feelings, I would.

 

I've written this embarrassing message because I need help/advice....I'm driving myself crazy by moping around thinking of Professor G every day. I go out and have fun with my friends, but still, he's always there lurking in the back of my mind. I must stop this! Please help, in any way possible. I'm much too embarrassed to discuss this issue with either family or friends.

 

[Tony T]

Professor G offers you many things guys your age probably don't. Superior intelligence, authority, maturity, wisdom, stability, etc. He's everything a girl could want. BUT, he is married, he is 31 years older than you and very much off limits.

 

I hear a lot of females say it's really difficult to find guys in college who have the attributes they seek, particularly more mature ladies who are heavy into their studies. There's no problem being smitten with your old professor but you've got to realize it's not him you're interested in but what he represents...what he could offer. You are way to moral and practical to go after a married man you could only be romantically interested in for a very limited time. He's be 75 when you are only 44.

 

Normally, I would advise you to nurture a nice friendship. In your case, with the obsession and all, I think you ought to stay away from him totally for a while. That's the only way you'll get rid of this obsession. Take a cold shower and see just what this really is. And remember, when this guy isn't teaching or having office hours, he farts, belches, urinates, etc. just like everybody else.

 

I do think you crave someone who can stimulate you intellectually and also admire you and make you feel good about yourself and your own work. I have no doubt that will happen in due time. Meanwhile, you are young and you don't need to start your life out gettiing mired in the kind of chaotic quicksand possible if you try to pursue your old professor buddy.

[superd]

To me I think you get a thrill out of being a potential home wrecker and being that he is a successful intellectual gentlemen, which some people really seem to hate these days because they think they are the cause of the world's problems, I really see that there is some unresolved negativity underneath all of this. Maybe the power turns you on but I think it is something else. You see a weakness in this man. He told you that you were beautiful which was really inappropriate for a professor to tell a student. If you have a good heart I would leave this man alone to get in trouble with someone else because believe me he will eventually. That said he doesn't sound like a terrible person, just someone with issues with his libido and his professionalism. Don't mar your record, there are plenty of good guys out there that are closer in age to you.

[amy_sh81]

Thanks very much for the input. I appreciate both views. I do see myself as attracted to Professor G because of his maturity, wisdom, etc.....which, it's true, many of my male peers tend to lack. But I promise that I really am not entertaining fantasies of being some sort of wicked young homewrecker....that is the LAST thing I want, and that's why I'm determined to get past this crush as soon as possible. If Professor G were everything that he is but not married and with no kids, then I might allow myself to indulge in the fantasy of "hooking up" with him, etc. But I know that will never happen.

 

I also want to clarify that Professor G never said anything inappropriate to me-- he said that my fellow students think that I am pretty, not that he himself thinks so. Of course I'm secretly hoping that he does in fact think that , but if he does, he never let me know. The only compliments he has ever paid directly to me relate to my schoolwork and my intelligence, which I believe are entirely appropriate in his position.

 

I think it is very true that what I need to do is simply stay away from him for awhile, which I actually have to do for a couple months anyway, as I am out of school right now. I guess I just needed to hear someone else's perspective on this confusing situation and I needed to get it off my chest....everything I do makes me think of Professor G and it's driving me crazy! I've had crushes before, but always on my peers and never an IMPOSSIBLE one, and it's the absolute futility of this crush that's really getting to me.

[moimeme]

Oh, goodness, superD - are you taking psych courses? Not everybody has secret agendas. I bet you could ask any thirty girls in a class and twenty-nine of them will have had a crush on one of their teachers at some time in their lives.

 

Amy - professors are famous for having affairs with their students. I think some men become professors for just that reason. I have known a whole lot of professors' ex-wives and heard their stories and they are grim. You will not be the first girl that he has complimented or offered a book to or anything else. Some profs have one girl per year and some girls do actually get extra marks that way but you don't want to go that route.

 

Don't even think of having a fling with this guy - or even worse, falling for him. Try to enjoy the crush from a distance but don't allow yourself to do anything about it. You'll wind up sorry in the end.

[superd]

Whether or not you think you are a homewrecker or not, by getting involved with him thats what you would most likely become.

Secondly, whether or not he said that the compliment came from other people, it is still an inappropriate thing for a professor to be discussing. He is suppossed to be teaching the course material, he is not suppossed to be getting personally involved with his students. It sounds like he doesn't know his boundaries.

[yes]

crushes on profs are part of being a college-girl. they add some excitement to your life, and as long as you don't act upon them, they're harmless. i've had many short ones myself, and don't feel harmed by them at all - it made me go to the lectures more often, that's all.

 

best of luck,

-yes

[turtle]

I think your crush on Professor G has something to do with the positive impact he has had on you. He appreciates your intellectual abilities, compliments you for your work, respects you, listens to you, and makes you feel successful and good about yourself.

 

Are you insecure at all? Maybe he picked up on it and that's why he mentioned that other students look up to you and think you're pretty.

 

If Professor G has any daughters, he might feel inclined to pay more attention to them. As a father, he is probably well aware that it is harder for a girl to have a career. I know one of my engineering professors has two girls and has a soft spot for women. He always looks out for the girl students because he wants them to succeed, especially in a male dominated field.

 

I wouldn't worry about it, but do keep a safe distance from him. The book he gave you as a gift may have been a little inappropriate.

[superd]

She should let some other girl help this man get himself in trouble and she should stay out of it for her own sake. But I think I made that clear already. She is responsible for her own decisions, and believe me, if something goes down like they have an affair and it becomes public news, it will be bad for her as well as the professor. And if its tougher for a woman to rise up in a good career like a poster just said on this very thread, then its going to be really hard when she has to carry the scarlet letter around her neck like the albatross for the rest of her life.

 

Some things seem like a good idea on a superficial level but then when you scratch the surface you find a very rotten apple with a very bitter seed. I think alot of these girls don't want a guy that is working his way up to be a professor or a CEO but they want someone who is a professor or CEO already. They not only want it easy but they want a sure thing and unfortunately those professional men are not really looking for young girls and most of them get married pretty soon after they become successfull because they are a hot commodity. Having a crush on a professor is not necessarily a bad thing, you just can't let it go too far.

[moimeme]

Gosh, superd, do you impute evil intent to everyone in everything they do?

[superd]

I didn't say anything anybody said here was evil, i didn't say that the girl with the crush was evil and I didn't say the professor was evil. I just don't want to see the girl make a mistake, but if she wants to have an affair with her professor, by all means its her choice. I am just saying there are positives and negatives as with most things.

[amy_sh81]

I would just like to reiterate once again that I am NOT planning on having an affair with Professor G. Even if that were a possibility (which it's not, because I know he isn't interested in me in that way), I still would not attempt it because there's no way I ever want to be involved in any sort of extramarital affair. I might entertain thoughts of dating Professor G if he were free and single, but he's not. My thoughts are always along the lines of, "Why does he have to be married!!" rather than "How can I steal his wife away from him?" So nobody need worry that I'll be getting myself into trouble with this man. But thank you for your concern.

 

I don't know if it's the way I described it, or what, but I truly don't think Professor G was doing anything inappropriate by giving me the book.....(and I think that, given the huge crush I have on him, I'd probably be the first to read something into it if his actions had suggested something even a little. ) He had urged me to read the book all semester long because he knew from our conversations about other books and my writings that I would probably love it. I never had the time to buy it myself, and so I always had to tell him that I hadn't been able to read it yet. All Professor G did on Wednesday was hand me a copy of the book and smile and say, "This is for you....now you don't have any more excuses not to read it!" ....Does that sound inappropriate at all? I really am curious to see what other people think, because to me it just seemed like a thoughtful gesture from a teacher to a student.

 

After reading your post, turtle, I did think about the possibility that my crush for Professor G stems from the positive impact he's had on me, and I have to admit that it's very possible. He did make me feel successful and good about myself, and I really appreciated the positive comments he gave me. I'm also guilty of being a little flattered at the fact that I was one of his favorite students in the class. It's one of the few times a teacher has ever made it clear how much s/he appreciated me and my work, so I have to admit I sort of drank that attention up. So I do think my crush probably does have something to do with all that, but I don't think that's all....because I consider myself a rather confident person (I know I'm quite smart, friendly, attractive) and have never really had any problems with self-esteem-- so why would his compliments have such a huge impact on me?

 

I'm just really confused, and VERY thankful for all the advice and perspectives everyone here has offered me. I'm already starting to explore the reasons behind this crush much more carefully than I'd been before, which is helpful because I think discovering exactly WHY I am so attracted to and infatuated with Professor G will be the first step in getting over this crush. I want so much to end these inappropriate feelings so that I won't keep missing him and moping over the futility of the crush, and so that I can think of him as a good friend and mentor rather than someone I wish I could have a romantic relationship with.

[lalaguy12343]

its just mostly on wat u feel is right

[moimeme]

Superd - I wasn't talking about what you said to her, I was talking about this remark

 

then when you scratch the surface you find a very rotten apple with a very bitter seed. I think alot of these girls don't want a guy that is working his way up to be a professor or a CEO but they want someone who is a professor or CEO already. They not only want it easy but they want a sure thing

 

Awful pessimistic point of view, that.

[pennycroft]

Believe me, I understand what you're going through because I've been head over heels for my 58-year-old professor for almost a year. He's married and has two daughters, and though I haven't been in his class for over four months, I still think about him every day.

 

My way of dealing with it has been to go see him in his office every couple of months just to talk. He's been really nice about it and always stays professional, which helps me keep a grip on the reality that nothing will ever happen with him. Maybe it would help you to do the same thing. It satisfies your craving for his company and keeps you from romanticizing things with him too much in your head.

 

Hope that helps, I really know that obsession is hard to deal with.

[Gisèlle Cristina K.S]

Amy,I'm with 42 years old and just lived some experience such as yours,not with a professor exactly,but a passion by a married man with sons.

 

The most sincere thing that I can tell to you,thru' the lessons which I received from life is :RUN AWAY FROM ANY MARRIED MAN!!! Cause the illusions are great,the promises are infinity and comes always that famous words:'Oh,girl!Take it easy and believe me.Me and my wife,we are almost separated,we have nothing together at very time!!!' So,this guy passes a lot of years promising to you to get a divorce and do you know when this thing becomes true?NEVER!!!

 

So,when you see,just passed very years and you end with your time,only suffering in vain. BE FAR FROM ANY MATURE MARRIED MAN,CAUSE THEY ARE REALLY DANGEROUS. Good luck!Brazilian kiss for you.GCKS.

[whichwayisup]

He knows you have a crush on him and obviously he's flattered. It's nice that he's done some nice things for you but it's inappropriate in a way because he IS aware of your crush...He's still a guy. In a way he's encourging the attention. Not in a deceitful, malcious way but in an ego way.

 

If you want to enjoy the crush from afar, do just that...Stop going out of your way to talk to him. Do this in baby steps because if you just STOP it will probably hurt you and also he is going to ask you "are you OK." Enjoy him in class but then when class is over, push him out of your head.

 

You are embracing those thoughts and making him a total fantasy - alone, in bed, in the shower, walking in to class...Gotta just take a break from it, you're making yourself fall for the guy...Or well on the way.

 

I know you have no intention of going after him, but...WHAT if the two of you were alone and he leaned in and just kissed you? DO you have the strength to say no and walk away? Don't ever put yourself in a situation where that could happen.

 

Hang with friends, be busier, and at night when thoughts of him come into your head - AS soon as they enter - Try real hard to think of something else...Getting out of the habit will be hard as you like those feelings that crush brings on.

 

Start meeting other guys!! Being into this Prof makes you closed off from meeting and LIKING other guys.

 

Good luck and remember - MIND control. You do have the power and strength to control it and tell it what to think and what not to.

[MoiAussi]

I can't believe it! Someone else is going through the exact same thing as I am right now. The OP described it perfectly, minus the pretty comment and gift. I can't stop thinking about the man either, even though I have no intention of getting involved with him romantically. I think all the previous posters have hit the nail right on the head: I think I'm so into hiim because he is incredibly smart and funny, and he makes me feel good about myself in his class.

 

Now his class is wrapping up, so I won't be able to see him when the class is over. But, he teaches this seminar in the fall and I'm torn about whether I should take it. It's a seminar on a subject I'm very interested in (I was already planning on taking it before this crush happened), but now I'm not so sure. On the one hand, I think I'll have enough self control to stay professional, but on the other hand, it'll probably take me all summer to get over him and if I take his seminar I'll go back to square one. What should I do?

[guest]

Hi all, I am having the same problem. I have a crush on my 28 year old professor, I am 24 and took a class of his last quater. He flirts with me on some days and not on others but he is never inappropriate. I am bummed because he has a girlfriend. I really want to say something but I think I would rather be friends with him and not scare him away. Anyway just thought I'd share.

[zoidberg]

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a crush.... Acting on it, however, is another thing. It can be fun, probably for both you and your professor, to indulge in some innocent flirtation. You both probably get something to fantasize about out of it. But that should probably be as far as it goes.

 

However -- against the grain here -- I know of two people who have been involved in student-professor affairs (in one case the tudent, in the other case the professor) where by their accounts, things worked out rather well.

 

Case 1: Mary had a crush on Prof. Bob. She statrted hanging around after classes, talking with him back to his office. Prof. Bob was married. He never came on to her, but she found herself increasingly attracted to him and decided she really wanted to seduce him. But she didn't want to ruin his marriage or reputation. She decided to start flirting with him, more and more boldly, always prepared to back off and disappear. But since he seemed to enjoy the flirtation, she became progressively bolder. Since he seemed to enjoy the flirtation she decided to lay her cards on the table. One day she asked to schedule an appointment with him when she knew no one else was likely to be around his office. Then she told him that she wanted to have a fling with him: that she was not interested in a long term affair, and that she was willing to be completely discrete about it. They had sex in his office right there and then, repeated it twice more, and then when she graduated she never saw him again. She reports that this was one of the best and hottest experiences of her life and has no regrets.

 

Case 2: My friend, Prof. Joe, had a long term affair with a graduate student in his program. It went on for about 2 years, after which she took an academic job in another country. He is still married to his wife of 35 years, has 2 kids, and, to my knowledge, has never had another affair. Prof. Joe told me about the affair and also reports it as having been "very sweet". They genuinely cared for each other, but knew a permenent relationship was out of the question, so they contented themselves with the temporary comfort of each other's company. They parted amicably.

 

So although in general a student professor affair is probably a bad idea, it just could work out.

[CherryCola]

I too, am having a big crush on my prof.

 

He's 20 years older, going through divorce, and has a daughter. Me, I actually have a boyfriend of 5 years who really loves me.

 

My prof and I worked on a project together for a year. We meet regularly once a week to discuss the project. He is a really friendly and nice prof. I was a really shy and quiet student, and he noticed it and tried to make me comfortable by telling jokes, and smile all the time to me. I'm sure he does this to everybody. But it still makes me happy, just to think that he likes me.

 

I've made up excuses to set up a meeting with him to discuss the project, when I really just want to see him. One night at a graduation banquet, I put on a nice blue dress and had my hair done. He approached me, leaned towards me, touches me on my shoulder, and whispered to my ears: "You looked lovely tonight", smiled, winked, and walked away.

 

That was one of the most wonderful moments in my life, even if he was just trying to be nice. I've been fantasizing about being with him, having him kiss me during one of our meetings, but it will never happen. We have just wrapped our project, and I have no more reason to 'meet' him.

 

It's been a month since our last meeting and email contact, and it drives me crazy. I checked my e-mail every day, hoping that there is one from him.

 

But after reading others' experiences and advices here, I started to get a grip on reality. Think in bigger picture. Is he acting nice just to 'me'? The answer is no. He smiles a lot to everybody else. I am noone to him. He probably has a girlfriend, I do not know, and it is none of my business. I should spend more time with my boyfriend who is 'real' and think of my prof as someone I respect.

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by CherryCola

 

It's been a month since our last meeting and email contact, and it drives me crazy. I checked my e-mail every day, hoping that there is one from him.

 

But after reading others' experiences and advices here, I started to get a grip on reality. Think in bigger picture. Is he acting nice just to 'me'? The answer is no. He smiles a lot to everybody else. I am noone to him. He probably has a girlfriend, I do not know, and it is none of my business. I should spend more time with my boyfriend who is 'real' and think of my prof as someone I respect.

 

OK you seem to understand all this and know that nothing is going to happen. You have a normal crush, have fantasized about him - which is all good and fun - But you KNOW that he ain't gonna make a play for you. That is healthy.

 

From what the other poster has put down, hers is bordering obession.