weird situation

[kivabeach]

I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post...but here goes:

 

I just returned from my best friends wedding where i was the maid of honor. It was a lovely time, and brought about major feelings of love and wanting to be married.

 

I have been in a committed relationship for 4 years now with the most wonderful man. I love him deeply, BUT...he is 20+ years older than me, and most of the time it doesn't matter...but at the wedding, I realized I was one of about 12 women who were not married. and then I began to compare myself to those that were married. Everyone was around the same age as their partner. People seem to be very open to my man, and once they meet him, they understand why we are together.

 

I'm not sure how to really describe my predicament. it seems there are many in this case. One is feeling like I should be with someone my own age. Two is the feeling of wanting to be married so badly. If we were to marry, it would be my first and his third. He is very resistant about it.

Three is that I feel like I'm left out of the club (of marriage). It was kind of embarrassing to be one of 12 singles in the crowd. Of all of my friends, i'm the one who is still unmarried...and I guess I'm ashamed. People treat unmarried people differently...like we are too interested in partying, or not settling down. But this is not the case for me. And my man knows it. he says to me...i can understand why you want to be married...you are 31, and very ripe for it. It is natural. BUT he also thinks I'm idealistic and reminds me of how marriage changes things, etc...he loves our relationship the way it is. I can't help but feel like if he were my age, we'd be married.

 

WHY do i feel i need it so badly?

Would I really marry a man who is sooo much older than me? Would it even be a good idea?

Why do i feel so left out of the marriage club?

 

I'm sure I'll have more questions, but I am just so confused about things right now.

[Desperado620]

Well Kiva, at least you know his feelings on the issue. It's clear he's not interested in getting married a third time. Can you blame him, since he's already had two? He's probably not going to change his mind, dear, especially being in his fifties. Although I'm romantic enough to think that May-December romances can work out, that doesn't seem to be what he's looking for.

 

As far as marriage changing a relationship, sure, it can, but it doesn't have to. The only way my marriage changed my relationship with my then-boyfriend is that we became closer and more dedicated to each other. We also were together for six years before our marriage, but we knew we wanted to and just didn't have the time or funds for a ceremony.

 

Try not to let the fact that you're one of few unmarried friends get you down. Don't feel left out, some people never get married, some people get married later in life, and some people get married over and over and over again! Worry about what makes you happy!

 

I'd say if your SO isn't interested in marriage and you really are, that's a dividing line in your relationship. Age isn't always a sumbling block, but differences in desires and ideas are. It may do you some good to go out with your remaining single friends and try to meet some new faces.

 

I also hate to say it, because it was said so many times to me, but why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You two have been together four years... if it hasn't come up yet, it might not come up at all... and how long are you willing to wait?

 

Hope this helps. Much luck!

[kivabeach]

Well Kiva, at least you know his feelings on the issue. It's clear he's not interested in getting married a third time. Can you blame him, since he's already had two? He's probably not going to change his mind, dear, especially being in his fifties. Although I'm romantic enough to think that May-December romances can work out, that doesn't seem to be what he's looking for.

 

As far as marriage changing a relationship, sure, it can, but it doesn't have to. The only way my marriage changed my relationship with my then-boyfriend is that we became closer and more dedicated to each other. We also were together for six years before our marriage, but we knew we wanted to and just didn't have the time or funds for a ceremony.

 

Try not to let the fact that you're one of few unmarried friends get you down. Don't feel left out, some people never get married, some people get married later in life, and some people get married over and over and over again! Worry about what makes you happy!

 

I'd say if your SO isn't interested in marriage and you really are, that's a dividing line in your relationship. Age isn't always a sumbling block, but differences in desires and ideas are. It may do you some good to go out with your remaining single friends and try to meet some new faces.

 

I also hate to say it, because it was said so many times to me, but why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? You two have been together four years... if it hasn't come up yet, it might not come up at all... and how long are you willing to wait?

 

Hope this helps. Much luck!

 

 

Hey thanks for this. He's not entirely against it...he's just scared. Since it hasnt worked out for him yet, he's afraid this one won't either. We really do have something special going and he's afraid it'll change if we get married.

 

And, um...i have no remaining single friends

 

I dont want to feel left out, but i just do. While everyone close to me is out having babies and buying houses, i'm still in the same place i was 5 years ago. I feel inadequate. I understand that these things happen in due time, and that it might be a while for me. i just feel like a failure.

[Owl]

You need to sit down and discuss how strongly you feel the need for marriage with him.

 

If this is a huge NEED for you...and he's not meeting it...he's leaving a hole open in your relationship that's likely going to end up with both of you getting hurt at some point.

 

If he's just 'nervous' about getting married...this should be something that is negotiable.

 

I'm curious...how was he 'burnt' in marriage before?

[kivabeach]

You need to sit down and discuss how strongly you feel the need for marriage with him.

 

If this is a huge NEED for you...and he's not meeting it...he's leaving a hole open in your relationship that's likely going to end up with both of you getting hurt at some point.

 

If he's just 'nervous' about getting married...this should be something that is negotiable.

 

I'm curious...how was he 'burnt' in marriage before?

 

He wasn't necissarily burnt in his other marriages. he marrried the first time at age 21. that should pretty explanitory as to why it didnt work.

 

The second marrigae ended because his wife had no passion and they had nothing in common anymore other than the business they own together. Once their kids were grown and out of the house, they just kind of lost interest in each other. I dont consider his second marriage a failure AT ALL since it lasted 27 years.

 

He has told me he's just scared about the whole thing. He sees examples like Paul McCartney and his Ex heather Mills and just how nasty things could get. He has money and currently...I dont, so i think he's afraid of that. He also mentioned last night that his expectations of a wife are different than that of a girlfriend. i've asked him to write those expectations out so i can see what he needs..but i love him so much that i'm certainly willing to meet those expectations as best I can.

 

a part of me is concerned with our age difference. Its working out so well NOW, but realistically, is it going to be odd in the longrun? Will people accept us?

[Untouchable_Fire]

WHY do i feel i need it so badly?

Would I really marry a man who is sooo much older than me? Would it even be a good idea?

Why do i feel so left out of the marriage club?

I'm sure I'll have more questions, but I am just so confused about things right now.

 

Why do you focus so much energy on what everyone else is going to think? Do you get your happiness from public perception?

 

Also, due to the monetary disparity in your situation if you push for marriage, you look like your just intersted in assets.

[kivabeach]

Why do you focus so much energy on what everyone else is going to think? Do you get your happiness from public perception?

 

Also, due to the monetary disparity in your situation if you push for marriage, you look like your just intersted in assets.

 

 

Good Question...It looks like i do need validation from others.

 

 

I know it might look like I'm interested in his money, but he and i both know that is not the case.