gullible Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 My W told me last week that she's taking me on a trip to San Francisco in October for a birthday surprise (my birthday). She wasn't going to tell me until time for the trip, but she needed to save up $2000 for motel, car rental, etc., so she decided that she had to let me in on it so that we could reduce expenses in order to be able to save up the $2,000. W's daughter gave her two tickets to anywhere from her frequent flier miles, so the transportation costs are paid for. Originally this was to be for W's birthday in April. W and her daughter have planned the trip to a T and have made all the reservations and everything. Every day is completely planned. I acted like I was very happy, while inside I am very hurt and angry that she would leave me out of the planning completely. She claims that it's for my birthday, but a trip to Northern CA has always been her dream, not mine. I think that since she's planning to spend $2,000 of OUR money, I should have been in on the discussion of where we were going and what we were going to do once we got there. If I had, I would have probably agreed to go to San Francisco, because I know W has been wanting to go there for years, even though it would not have been my first choice. However, to be left out of the loop completely really, really bothers me. My questions is this: Am I being oversensitive? Is it normal for a W to plan to spend $2,000 on a vacation and not even consult her H about it until the plans are all made? Should I be as angry, hurt and upset as I am? Or should I be extremely happy that she's doing that as a surprise for me on my birthday? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 Well gullible, In my marriage, I come last. So....if Mrs. Moose planned something for me, I would not only be tickled and flattered, I'd love her to death over it! Of course, your marriage isn't my marriage, but it's my opinion that the husband should never put his needs, (or wants) before his wife or family. Humor her, you never know you might have a BLAST!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 Yes, you're being overly sensitive! Notice how she's willing to share her bday present to make this happen? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 normally - a vacation is good excuse to get away together and reconnect with each other. most couples in a healthy relationship plan to do activities that are fun and enjoy the experience together. they also normally hope to keep the physical bond going - so that implies more sex while away. you can take this opportunity to make it more fun for both of you! seems like it's all good - as long as that's your intention as well... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 I'd agree...I wouldn't be hurt by this, unless there were some specific reason I wouldn't want to go to the area she'd planned on. I'd only be upset if she appeared to have some ulterior motive behind the trip that I wasn't aware of...like meeting up with family I didn't like or something. Could be a LOT worse...she could have been planning on going on this trip WITHOUT you. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 It's cool that she wanted to plan everything out but this: She claims that it's for my birthday, but a trip to Northern CA has always been her dream, not mine. ...is lame. I would have been bothered by that part too if I were you. I once had a gf (now an ex) who took me on a trip to somewhere she wanted to go for my birthday rather than somewhere I wanted to go. It's definitely selfish. It's doing something for yourself under the guise of doing it for someone else. For my current gf's recent birthday I took her somewhere she wanted to go. It was her call. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 does it bother you more because of the location, or because she kept it a secret for so long? Either way, talk to her about how you feel. If you really don't want to go, and if you really want to make a point about her inconsiderate behavior, flat-out refuse. After all, this should be about you, since it's your supposed gift. though I think I envy you right now: this trip has the potential to be a lot of fun, and I wouldn't let your hurt feelings get in the way. If it was intended as a surprise, why would she let you in on what she was planning? again, you really need to talk to her if you allow this to eat at you ... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 16, 2008 Share Posted July 16, 2008 I hope I don't get bashed for this but stop being such a "woman." Sheesh. She's using tickets that YOU don't have to pay for that were given to her by HER daughter, right? Relax and enjoy yourself. I can't imagine my H saying such things if I planned a surprise like this for him. Even if he knew it was a place I wanted to visit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 Thanks for all the comments. I guess everyone else thinks I'm wrong to feel this way. To me half of the fun of a trip is the planning and anticipation, and I was completely left out of that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 I acted like I was very happy, while inside I am very hurt and angry that she would leave me out of the planning completely. Uhh, she did all this to surprise you! No malciousness, selfishness or meaness here, she did all this out of love and making you happy. Please enjoy the trip. So what if you weren't included in the planning..Again, she did this wonderful thing out of love, not to make you feel bad and not included. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Thanks for all the comments. I guess everyone else thinks I'm wrong to feel this way. To me half of the fun of a trip is the planning and anticipation, and I was completely left out of that. gullible, are you accustomed to running the show within your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 No malciousness, selfishness or meaness here, she did all this out of love and making you happy. There's some selfishness. They're going where she wants to go not where he wants to go. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 if its her dream, then cant you be happy to go along with it as she has this dream, and you love her? we all have dreams, next time its your turn Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 if its her dream, then cant you be happy to go along with it as she has this dream, and you love her? we all have dreams, next time its your turn Good point... for her birthday, take her to Bangkok Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted July 17, 2008 Author Share Posted July 17, 2008 does it bother you more because of the location, or because she kept it a secret for so long? Because she kept it a secret and didn't give me a chance to be in on how we were going to spend $2000. gullible, are you accustomed to running the show within your relationship? No, it seems like I never get to run the show. I'd just like to be a co-pilot every once in a while instead of a passenger. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 No, it seems like I never get to run the show. I'd just like to be a co-pilot every once in a while instead of a passenger. Okay then, is this the real issue, where the trip is just another aggravation to the marital issues? Have the two of you sat down and discussed her controlling ways? Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted July 17, 2008 Share Posted July 17, 2008 Because she kept it a secret and didn't give me a chance to be in on how we were going to spend $2000. No, it seems like I never get to run the show. I'd just like to be a co-pilot every once in a while instead of a passenger. what is it that you want to do in running the show, what does that include for you? what other things does she do within the relationship that you want to? Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 OK I guess I am in the minority with you gullible. I do think it is probably some reflection of the general relationship but it does seem a little self-serving to me too. My H "surprised" me a few years ago with tickets to a baseball game. I like baseball quite a bit, but...well...HE LOVES it. Had the game been preceded by dinner at a nice restaurant or something, I would have been much more touched...the next year, believe it or not, he asked me if I would like tickets to another baseball game. I said no. He bought them anyway (but at least agreed that they would not count as my gift). FTR, for his birthday I got him 3 sets of baseball tickets: one game in Toronto, one in Boston, one in New York. But they all had to be preceded by sightseeing...and yes,dinner in a nice restaurant. Maybe you can do similar finagling with her next birthday... Link to post Share on other sites
Author gullible Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 OK I guess I am in the minority with you gullible. I do think it is probably some reflection of the general relationship but it does seem a little self-serving to me too. I guess my biggest problem is that I feel like I'm being manipulated. I would have been very happy if she had said that her daughter had given her plane tickets and that she would like to go to San Francisco. I would have jumped at the chance. It's only fair that since she's furnishing the plane tickets that we go where she wants to go. I have no problem with that. But to try to make it seem like it's a present to me -- that bothers me. If it's really a present to me, then we should go where I want to go. And she made a big deal out of the fact that she's giving me a giant present (she used the word giant), and I have never given her a present of this magnitude. Also, I suspect that it went from being a trip for her to being a present to me earlier this year when I told her that I wanted a divorce. I've posted several threads relating to what led up to the decision to divorce in the infidelity section. She asked me to reconsider the divorce, which I have been doing for several months. Earlier this month I decided to go ahead with the divorce, and when I told her I was moving out she brought out the trip book and told me how much she loved me and the fact that she was planning a surprise trip for me for my birthday was an indication of her love. I wimped out and at this point I don't know what I'm going to do. Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Hmmm....well that puts a whole new spin on things, I will have to look up your other threads. "Cause I am not sure if she is clueless and sincere and just not realizing how this is coming across, or is just trying to squeeze out the trip she wants while she still has a companion to go with, or hoping that it will change everything...or what. What led you to want divorce? I suppose I should look up other threads. Also, out of curiosity, I wonder where you would have chosen to go if it were entirely up to you...? Link to post Share on other sites
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