Errrrr....my b/f is so Unreasonable

[dayfuller]

My b/f of a year is trying to control and manipulate me by not letting me maintain friendships w/ a close group of guys (they are in a rock band) that I've been friends w/ for a lot longer than he's been around. Solely because on a few drunken nights on different occasions, i hooked up w/ a few of them(seperately), no serious relationships or anything, just a couple of flings. In fact I'm closest friends w/ one of the guys that I've never hooked up with, how could it be fair of him to ask me to drop them completely out of my life? I Love and respect him more than I've ever loved or respected anyone else but I love and respect myself too.

 

I want him to have faith in me and our relationship but as long as there is always jealousy and a lack of trust on his part, I don't see how things could ever be okay between us. Not only are these my friends, but I love their music and I would never ask him to give up something he loves.

 

He's leaving the decision up to me in the form of a mind-game ultimatum, that if I go to see them again, that means they are more important than him ( which is absolutely NOT the truth! )and I can go as a single woman. I shouldn't have to choose between my friends and my b/f, how can he be so uncaring and insensitive to my needs?

[gonzo]

Seems pretty obvious to me.

 

Solely because on a few drunken nights on different occasions, i hooked up w/ a few of them(seperately), no serious relationships or anything, just a couple of flings.

 

So you've had one night stands with a few of these guys in the past. And how does your boyfriend know this information unless you admitted it to him? So then I ask why on earth you would admit such information yet continue to hang out with these guys who once bedded down with, and have to ask why your boyfriend has a problem with your continued assocation with them?

 

Turn the tables around for one minute. How would you honestly feel if your boyfriend had screwed around with several women who were part of a group of friends and he continued to hang around with them alot. You mean to tell me you wouldn't feel threatened or bothered?

 

I shouldn't have to choose between my friends and my b/f, how can he be so uncaring and insensitive to my needs?

 

I don't see him being controlling or uncaring or insensitive. I see him being honest about his feelings and insecurities. I commend him for this. It's human nature for most people to feel uneasy about their partner spending time with those they've had sex with in the past. Maybe he's concerned you'll get drunk again and cheat on him? Being drunk obviously had something to do with you having these one night stands with these friends in the past or you wouldn't have mentioned it here in your post.

 

Maybe it would be best that you and you boyfriend go your seperate ways so that you can find someone who will give you the freedom to do as you please and he can find someone whose past and present behavior doesn't make him feel uneasy.

[Ryan]

Leave him.

[dayfuller]

I feel like he just doesn't want to accept me for who I am, I don't want any more sexual relations w/ any of these guys, I truly want to only be friends. When we hang out it's just a bunch of people joking around, laughing, and having fun. I don't feel like there's any situation I couldn't handle I know the boundaries I've drawn and I know where my heart belongs.

 

He has gone to a show w/ me and met most of them, all except the 2 guys I've had sex w/, just because I didn't want him to feel awkward or uncomfortable. He really didn't seem able to get to know them and it doesn't sound like he wants to. Now if I do associate w/ them I can consider myself single. Shouldn't he just accept the fact that we can all just be friends now and have faith in the boundaries I draw?

 

Somehow I've always thought how I'd react if a b/f ever asked me to choose between him and my friends. I know that my friends could never give me what my b/f could, but I also know that no matter what , my friends will be there for me when/if my boyfriend chooses to no longer by in my life.

 

I love him more than I thought I could love someone. I am selfish and want both my friends and him in my life. I want him to be w/ me for the long haul, when sometimes ties w/ friends are lost.

 

I know w/ every ounce of my being that I want him in my life, but he has to want me w/ all my quirks, insecurities, screw-ups, questions, and immaturities.

 

He wants me to be who I truly am and for my true self to shine through. Well, I love him but I have to Love myself too.

[superd]

well its a tough decision, I can't lie to you. But you said at points that you have been drunk with these guys and that you have slept with them. Alcohol can destroy those almighty boundaries that you have set up. What can happen once can happen again , if you are silly enough to put yourself in a bad situation. I can see your boyfriends reluctance to allow this all, he wants to your one and only star. However if that is true you should tell him to pick a up a guitar, learn how to play and join a band because it seems that is what your real interest seems to be. You are not getting what you want because you want the best of all worlds. I could be wrong but the best of all worlds is not usually a possibililty.

[yes]

if i was your bf, i'd act the same way - i wouldn't take my partner hanging out with ex-lovers, even if it was just once b/c of being drunk. especially if you told me about it yourself!

 

-yes

[jalexy]

yeah, i dont think i can blame him. he has a right to wonder what the hell you want from these guys.....i would respect his wishes and find new friends. i mean how the heck would you feel if he had girl-friends that he hung with and happened to screw around with them drunk? i would feel awful.

[yagottahelp]

One can understand his feelings.......how old are you guys???????

 

I agree that he has to trust you and you trust him for it to work, you need to tell him, sit down and talk to him, tell him they are nothing, let him know he's special.......too many times girls expect a guys trust, sometimes guys need that little push to let them know. Do you do nice things for him? Maybe a random card, phone call, a date you plan, let him know you love him other than just telling him.

[GoldenWonder]

I agree with Yes and Jalexy. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices, and if you feel your boyfriend is worth making sacrifices for then do it. Drunken shags are pointless anyway and they obviously don't respect you if they get you drunk and hop you into bed or whatever. What if it happens again? You'll break his heart. You have to suss out whether your boyfriend is worth taking a chance on and risking a few things.

[Pookette]

When was the last time you hooked up with one of them? Do you have many drunken nights with these guys? Have you tried to include your boyfriend in activities with these guys? Maybe if he gets to know them, he won't react that way.