yes Posted August 2, 2003 Share Posted August 2, 2003 Is it really possible to be really close friends with someone first, and then eventually become lovers, as well? It sounds counter-intuitive to me, because if the two people are attracted to each other, why didn't they start dating as they got to be closer friends? So perhaps they weren't attracted initially? But chemistry is not something you can build up - won't it be a r/s of close friendship and no sexual satisfaction?... I've heard of it happen once, and it turned out the guy didn't make a move b/c he simply isn't a very sexual being (the girl thought he was controlling himself, etc), and now the lady is suffering b/c of it, even though she loves him. Has anybody had the friendship become romance experience? Any stories to share? thanks, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonfly Posted August 2, 2003 Share Posted August 2, 2003 The situation in question, can be a reality! I have known of it before, but have one specific story to share with you... My friend, we'll call her Ann, had set out specific goals in regards to men and relationships. So many people around us would meet someone, get into a physical relationship, develop love for them, and many times marry. Then we would see that the marriage was lacking, and the couples were not happy because they didn't know the other person before they decided to be together. At a friends wedding, Ann met someone. He was nice, and she wondered if maybe there could be something with him eventually. She told him her goals of becoming friends with a person, then developing a relationship that would result in marriage. He agreed that it was something he was interested in, and they slowly became friends. Five months after meeting, they decided they should start working on a relationship. Ann's initial goal was to be friends for a year, but she realized that she knew him very well at this point. One of her goals in finding someone, was conversation. Ann didn't want to have their conversations be vivid at first, and then dwindle, as so many couples experience. They don't have an enormous amount of things in common, but the important things are there. Now, almost a year after first meeting, they are one of the best couples I have seen. Sure, there are still insecurities, but they are friends, and deeply in love with each other. They are discussing marriage, and I don't doubt that they will be one of those couples that celebrate their 50th anniversary with as much enthusiasm as the day they marry. The basis for their marriage will be trust, friendship, and an overall understanding of who the other person is. Sounds quite different from what we are all used to seeing! It's refreshing, in my opinion. Sorry for the length, but I think it's a story worth trusting in. Link to post Share on other sites
jalexy Posted August 2, 2003 Share Posted August 2, 2003 yes i totally agree that it can happen. i think its a cool way to start, cause you already know the person. maybe you were attracted to them before, but didnt want to make a move cause you wanted to find out what they were like. and of course there are the cases where there was no initial attraction..........and boom you get to know the person and they are hot to you. Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted August 2, 2003 Share Posted August 2, 2003 I don't know. I am really on the fence on this one. I don't think its a bad idea being just friends first but I don't think it works often. I like to let people know that my goal is that I am looking for someone, not looking to play games. That said friendship is important and probably the most important thing but there has to be chemistry and romance too or I am not going to hang around too long. I have been strung along with the "just friends" bit a bit too long, it made me a little jaded perhaps. I have too much going for me to get toyed with. Link to post Share on other sites
longlegzs80 Posted August 3, 2003 Share Posted August 3, 2003 Best friends make better lovers. WEll, that is what I have heard and who knows if it is true. BUt anyways, you can definitly take it different ways. First, if you both are close friends, truely attracted to one another, there is definitly some chemistry, then I really think it could be good. Second, if both of you are close friends, the one is attracted to you and wants more, and you see him as a big brother or something, then it won't work out lovers wise. I just don't see it working out anyways and if lets say the both of you do become intimate, then it could ruin your friendship if you are not on the same level of wanting eachother, and lets say you do it just because your in need of it and the other does it because he is truely into you. I personally could not do a friend, but then too I don';t know. My one guy friend and I would go out every weekend and he would call me when he was out on business trips and I don't know if he was totally digging me and truely interested or what it was. But my heart was not in it. I seen him as just a friend and a good one, but I could not be intimate with him. I would think that it would make things ackward and the friendship might get ruiined by just that. SO, this is something you truely have to think about. I think if both of you have cemistry and both of you are on the same wave length and want to date and be intimate I think it could work out. If one of you is not really seeing the other as a lover, and you do it because you figure maybe your feelings could change and they don't, then it could make things ackward and it might not work out. So, it is really hard to say. They say that friends are better lovers, always wondered if that is true? Link to post Share on other sites
yagottahelp Posted August 3, 2003 Share Posted August 3, 2003 I don't know about this one either, I was in high school, so I was still young, but I dated one of my really close friends, twifce, for a year total. It ended horribly, I lost a huge piece of my life-we literally hated each other, it took almost 2 years to become friends again, everything is ok now-but I just don't think i'd do it again- now on the other hand, I think if you become best friends during the relationship, that's the best way to do it if you want that friendship end. I'm in the middle of that kind of in a stand still, so I don't know how it turns out yet! We're currently apart-kind of in limbo, but if it wasn't for the huge amount of love we have regardless for each other, we wouldn'st still be close. It's good and bad, but it definately is a good test of a bond. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 3, 2003 Share Posted August 3, 2003 There is a theory that there are several different styles of relationships including the conflicted type (they fight all the time but never break up - fighting leads to great sex for them), the friends first sort (don't have the names of these handy right now), the romantic type, etc. I haven't read extensively about it but it seems that the information indicated that relationship style was not a preference; kind of like a M-B profile. My preferred 'style' is to have friendship first. I have certainly experienced finding a person more attractive the more I knew about them that I liked. For me (maybe for people who share this 'style',) it is my affection for the person that makes them attractive to me. After all, you can have 'chemistry' with people you'd never want to live with! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted August 3, 2003 Author Share Posted August 3, 2003 thanks for everyone's replies! moimeme, where did you read about these r/s types? i'm curious! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted August 3, 2003 Share Posted August 3, 2003 Here's some info and references. BTW, I stand corrected on the point of whether styles change or not; Lee said they can change during a relationship. I once had a link for a site where the theory was posited that people do have 'standard' relationship styles that don't change but that was a few years and at least one crash ago so I don't have that link any more. · Styles of Love (John Lee): The sociologist John Lee discusses six basic styles of love that are present in relationships. These styles are general relationship styles rather than styles of lovers. Individuals do not always exclusively fit one of these styles. People may change from one style to another throughout the course of a relationship. · Eros is the first style. Erotic lovers focus on the sensual and the immediate. Their love is based on passion and physical intimacy, and tends to burn brightly but does not last long. · Ludus is the second type. Ludic lovers see love as a game and treat it as very casual and not very serious. · Storge is the third type. Storgic love is the love between friends or companions. Storgic lovers often begin as friends and later end up as lovers. The love relationship begins and ends gradually and the lovers often remain friends even after their relationship is over. · The fourth type is Mania. Manic love is best described as a roller-coaster ride. Affection brings short lived feelings of satisfaction that must constantly be renewed. · The fifth type is agape. Agapic love is patient and selfless. They do not expect love in return. Think of the love that missionaries and saints have rather than humans. · Pragma is the sixth type. Pragmatic lovers are very logical in their approach. They look for a lover that meets certain predetermined qualifications. After they meet this person, another style of love may develop, but their love is based on these qualifications. This site has quite a bit of information on love and love styles. They have been doing their own research on the Internet for some years. Their test is down for revision, but it's very interesting to take; worth checking back for. http://dataguru.org/love/ They describe the major theories of love styles: http://dataguru.org/love/fehrtyp.asp Here's an academic paper (the theories on love styles come from social psych) http://www.google.ca/search?q=cache:zwE4nbHeJTkJ:www.sagepub.com/ProductItem_3222.pdf+%22love+styles%22+Lee&hl=en&ie=UTF-8 An overview of the theories about psychology of love http://psychology.about.com/library/weekly/aa021500a.htm This fellow posits 14 love styles http://www.askheartbeat.com/html/article8.html Finally, a truly excellent resource that I forget too often to mention. A psychologist spent years writing an online self-help psychology book. It is excellent; in every section he lists the different existing theories about cause and treatment. He has a terrific section on love, dating, sex and marriage but the whole book is superb. Psychological self-help book: http://www.mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/?PHPSESSID=f3bfe46492586ffe68e4d19d4f97d5b5 Chapter on Dating, Love, Marriage, and Sex http://www.mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap10/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted August 3, 2003 Author Share Posted August 3, 2003 thanks moi-meme. i especially appreciate the links to academic papers. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
superd Posted August 3, 2003 Share Posted August 3, 2003 I might definitely be a mixture of a few of those types or I might just have my own ideas about romance and how I like it to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted August 3, 2003 Author Share Posted August 3, 2003 i think most people are a mix of several types. moreover, everybody changes types as they go through various stages... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
TS Garp Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 Bottom line, yes, is that the answer is yes. Anything is possible in a relationship. I find these folks who say there's no "escaping the friend zone" laughable. There are no absolutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Tearyeyes Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 It seems as if everyone thinks that you cannot possibly start a love relationship with someone if you are friends beforehand. I have been there. My ex - who is also the father of my child- was a very close friend of mine before we became a couple. In fact, he was like an older brother to me. We would hang out, go places together, talk about everything.. all the things that friends normally do. I always thought he was a great guy but not in a romantic way. Eventually we grew closer and closer and everyone around me was telling me that I had feelings for him but I didn't see it and I wouldn't admit it. When I finally did, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. The love that blossomed out of that great friendship was better than anything I'd ever experienced before. So, yes... though we are no longer together, we did become lovers when we started out as friends. Love can come out of a friend relationship, if you are both willing to take it there. Link to post Share on other sites
TS Garp Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 I laugh at these people who plow money into "The System," where it is written that once you're in the "friend zone," no romantic relationship is possible. That's true, I suppose, if you assume that all men and women are superficial beings. But they aren't. And there are occasions when the comfort of knowing someone's every move beforehand turns friendship into romance. It's called chemistry, and it develops. It can work, and it should be pursued. Link to post Share on other sites
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