Do guys generally not like to date women who are virgins and are 20+?

[sugar_and_spice]

I had been with the guys for some time, so yeah, it was well into into the relationships.

was everything okay till the issue of virginity came up?

[james123]

you're 27, and your question is about 20 year olds and over. there are probably many guys who might date a 20 year old virgin but not one who is over 25.

[Jilly Bean]

27 is pretty old, IMO, to still be a virgin. It just sends the message of a whole lot of issues being attached to it.

 

I think the longer you hold onto it, the harder it will be to lose it. Therefore increasing the stress you are having.

 

If your reasons for not losing your virginity are that you are waiting for marriage, that's one thing, and it means you will need to find a very religious or equally moral guy. If it is because you are afraid, then that's a whole other set of problems.

[lilac23]

27 is pretty old, IMO, to still be a virgin. It just sends the message of a whole lot of issues being attached to it.

 

I think the longer you hold onto it, the harder it will be to lose it. Therefore increasing the stress you are having.

 

If your reasons for not losing your virginity are that you are waiting for marriage, that's one thing, and it means you will need to find a very religious or equally moral guy. If it is because you are afraid, then that's a whole other set of problems.

Yeah, I know that 27 is very old to be a virgin.

I am not waiting till marriage, but it's not because I am afraid. It's because of quite a few reasons put together really. Earlier I used to be pretty religious, then I generally didn't have relationships which lasted long and also that I tend to wait a long time before I feel comfortable with getting physical.

I wasn't stressed about it till recently, but generally I get the impression that guys don't like dating inexperienced women.

BTW could you explain what you meant by "sends the message of a whole lot of issues being attached to it", please?

[Jilly Bean]

It's a big flag, hon.

 

We live in a very sexually promiscuous society. I lost my virginity at 19, which seemed OLD at the time! Many people lose their virginity in their teens. It's just very commonplace.

 

So, to be 27, I think it raises an eyebrow or two. If you were a man, I would find it very odd, and I would worry that the disparity in our experiences would be a deal-breaker. Not because of your inexperience, but mainly because I would view you as someone who attached a much larger meaning to sex than me. And I wouldn't want to wait until you had a comfort level, as clearly that would be a VERY long time, OR, handle the responsibility of your emotions, which clearly would be VERY wrapped in you losing your virginity. Also, I would worry about what sexual hang-ups you would have...

 

You place a very large significance on sex, and that is played out by still being a virgin at 27. I don't think many people would welcome the challenge.

[lilac23]

okay, so what do I do about it? any advice?

[Jilly Bean]

Well, it really depends how you feel about it NOW.

 

Do you still feel like you want to wait until there is a commitment, or could you see yourself just dating someone once or twice and going for it?

[lilac23]

Well, I'm not sure. I would definitely prefer commitment, but like I said, the guys I have dated all asked me about things like, "when was the last time you had sex", etc., so even if I do just go for it, I'm not sure they would want to!

One thing though, although I do attach importance to it, but for the past couple of years, I haven't actually seen it as something very important, like I used to believe, and like I was made to believe growing up.

[Jilly Bean]

Sex can take on many forms. It does for me, at least.

 

I have had ONS with guys I have known for a few hours. That's fu*king. I have had sex with men I am dating and I have made love with men I am in love with. I've also had all three within the same relationship!

 

If you want to just get rid of it, then I say find someone you like, date a few times, and get it over with. I wouldn't tell him you were a virgin, though.

[lilac23]

hm, yeah wouldn't tell of course. I never said it myself, but they always ask me. Don't think it would be a good idea to lie, would it?

I don't know if I would feel comfortable doing it that way.

But what if I don't want to just lose it? Because obviously guys want experience... :S

[carhill]

OP, at the risk of sounding rude, stop worrying about what guys want. When the time and the person is right for you, it'll be right for you. If you're comfortable with your body (I'll assume you are), you know that it is a wondrous experience to share yourself with someone. You'll feel it; know it; embrace it.

 

The most important thing to remember is that there is no such thing as "normal", no matter what others might tell you.

 

As proof of that, I'm reinventing my virginity... 4 months and counting

[Jilly Bean]

hm, yeah wouldn't tell of course. I never said it myself, but they always ask me. Don't think it would be a good idea to lie, would it?

I don't know if I would feel comfortable doing it that way.

But what if I don't want to just lose it? Because obviously guys want experience... :S

 

Well, if someone asks you when you last had sex, you can tell him it's not his business, or, that it's been a very long time.

 

BUT, just be sure you're doing it because you really want to. I would not want to be counseling you on losing it for the sake of being done with it, if it is something you truly are not comfortable with.

 

If you don't want to just lose it with any old dude, then continue to hold onto it like a gift.

 

But, I just feel that it's being used as a wedge and barrier in your relationships.

 

What are your dating relationships like, Lilac? Do you date a lot? Infrequently? Where do you meet men?

[Jilly Bean]

OP, at the risk of sounding rude, stop worrying about what guys want. When the time and the person is right for you, it'll be right for you. If you're comfortable with your body (I'll assume you are), you know that it is a wondrous experience to share yourself with someone. You'll feel it; know it; embrace it.

 

The most important thing to remember is that there is no such thing as "normal", no matter what others might tell you.

 

As proof of that, I'm reinventing my virginity... 4 months and counting

 

Carhill - you were what, 37 when you lost your virginity, correct? I think you would have some good insight into this mentality for Lilac. I'm sure she feels very alone in this.

[Ria10]

YIKES!! Lie about your sexual past so that you can toss your virginity aside, like yesterday's newspaper?! Look, here's how I see it: you've waited this long, so what's the big deal about waiting a little bit longer until you find somebody who wants to make it a really special experience for you? (Or even if you want to have a sort of "fun fling" as opposed to a lengthy relationship for your first, it would still be good to have a partner who can be attentive to your situation.)

 

Being a virgin at age 27 means that you're in a special category. Embrace it. Maybe it's unusual, but that's exactly what makes you extra amazing. Any guy who has issues about you being virgin is really truly not worth your time. The guys who are looking for a quick thrill etc. won't want to date a virgin, but what loss is that?! Any guy who's sincerely in love with you will be delighted that you're a virgin. My ex bf's never had any complaints about my virginity (they weren't virgins), and in fact I think they took me more seriously because of it. My current bf is waiting until I'm ready and I think he might be the ONE. I feel really good about the sexual choices that I've made, and that I'm still a virgin at age 28. (Other people here feel good about their decision to have intercourse earlier in life. Good for them.) My point is that you need to understand that the right man is going to appreciate you as you are. Your virginity is your own personal business. If anybody is uncomfortable with your virginity, then that's THEIR issue, not yours. Be proud of yourself.

[lilac23]

Well, if someone asks you when you last had sex, you can tell him it's not his business, or, that it's been a very long time.

 

BUT, just be sure you're doing it because you really want to. I would not want to be counseling you on losing it for the sake of being done with it, if it is something you truly are not comfortable with.

 

If you don't want to just lose it with any old dude, then continue to hold onto it like a gift.

 

But, I just feel that it's being used as a wedge and barrier in your relationships.

 

What are your dating relationships like, Lilac? Do you date a lot? Infrequently? Where do you meet men?

Yeah, well, I could say that, but would probably get caught ultimately, lol

There is someone I've been dating for a few weeks now, but yeah, it has become a barrier in the sense that I feel worried when I get into relationships because it all comes down to the fact that I have not had sex.

 

I do date a lot, and I meet men at work, through friends, nightclubs and bars and the current one at a coffee shop.

[lilac23]

Any guy who's sincerely in love with you will be delighted that you're a virgin.

I'm glad you found someone who appreciates it, because I have yet to meet or date any man who felt comfortable with it, let alone love it.

[carhill]

Carhill - you were what, 37 when you lost your virginity, correct? I think you would have some good insight into this mentality for Lilac. I'm sure she feels very alone in this.

Actually, that was advice...boy, I must be out of it tonight

 

Seriously, the thrust of my perspective is that we are all individuals. I caught a lot of ribbing and jokes for not being "experienced", but, in the end, it mattered little. I loved sex and, during all those years, learned a lot about my body and how to be sexual without having intercourse. I also learned how to be physically affectionate without expecting sex, something I now know is uncommon for many men.

 

My first time (it was 35 dammit, now I feel **real** old ) resulted from the time being right. My feelings for my friend had been largely resolved and that was the main thing holding me back emotionally. For me (obviously not for everyone), emotional clarity was important or else I wouldn't be able to pursue in a typical male sexual fashion. My journal outlines what happened subsequently, proving once again how small the world is, especially my little weird world

 

lilac23, when you are physically affectionate with a man whom you are attracted to, tell me how you feel. I mean how you feel elementally, not in response to his actions. This is really important. Sex starts in the brain and the pieces of the puzzle have to fit or you can get aroused but you just won't act. What is your elemental (this means core psychological) feeling? Are you happy, afraid, numb, blank (no emotion), worried etc? This is where the puzzle exists.

 

Have you ever talked with a man whom you trust regarding how you feel about sex and your virginity? If yes, how did sharing that information make you feel?

 

Remember, it's a process. One step at a time; your time, no one else's

[TheSilentType]

I would take someone like you anyday over someone with many partners.

 

Any day. And actually treat you with some respect. Its shows discretion.

 

We live in a society that views more as better.....more of this and that some how raises you a plane higher than others....makes your life a little more "lived" than others. Don't buy into that neurosis.

 

Quantity rarely translates into quality....and a lot of times it just translates into plain out some desperation.

 

And count it as a plus that you don't have a bastard child who's turning 8 now, or been christened with your first abortion.

[lilac23]

lilac23, when you are physically affectionate with a man whom you are attracted to, tell me how you feel. I mean how you feel elementally, not in response to his actions. This is really important. Sex starts in the brain and the pieces of the puzzle have to fit or you can get aroused but you just won't act. What is your elemental (this means core psychological) feeling? Are you happy, afraid, numb, blank (no emotion), worried etc? This is where the puzzle exists.

how do you really explain it? lol, but i feel good, happy. nothing to feel afraid about :s why do you ask?

 

Have you ever talked with a man whom you trust regarding how you feel about sex and your virginity? If yes, how did sharing that information make you feel?

I did, with a male friend. He had a similar attitude to the guys I dated, so it didn't feel too good, but I did not expect him to react in any other way.

[Ria10]

I'm glad you found someone who appreciates it, because I have yet to meet or date any man who felt comfortable with it, let alone love it.

 

wow. I'm really surprised by that. Maybe it's a cultural difference, between the UK and the US? I really don't know.

 

I have had 2 negative experiences when revealing my virginity, but the majority of guys I've dated have been really respectful about it. They do exist... and I'm sure you'll meet somebody like that if you keep looking. (Maybe even the guy you're seeing now..?) You might have more success if you remain sexually unavailable to him at first, because a virgin who suddenly wants to have sex can really freak a guy out. (Because he starts to think "Oh my God, I just met her, I barely know her, and she thinks that I'm the ONE".) Whereas the virgin who doesn't want sex is a challenge to be pursued (if they have the patience for that). But who knows. Really I think that the most important thing is to be honest about where you're coming from.

[sugar_and_spice]

It's a big flag, hon.

 

We live in a very sexually promiscuous society. I lost my virginity at 19, which seemed OLD at the time! Many people lose their virginity in their teens. It's just very commonplace.

 

So, to be 27, I think it raises an eyebrow or two. If you were a man, I would find it very odd, and I would worry that the disparity in our experiences would be a deal-breaker. Not because of your inexperience, but mainly because I would view you as someone who attached a much larger meaning to sex than me. And I wouldn't want to wait until you had a comfort level, as clearly that would be a VERY long time, OR, handle the responsibility of your emotions, which clearly would be VERY wrapped in you losing your virginity. Also, I would worry about what sexual hang-ups you would have...

 

You place a very large significance on sex, and that is played out by still being a virgin at 27. I don't think many people would welcome the challenge.

you think nobody would knowingly date a 20 something virgin? I don't think her situation is THAT bad.

[MaxManwell]

The first time my girlfriend gave me head she was physically sick. I still have fond memories of it to this day. I heard that somewhere, don't remember where, but it is awesome.

 

I'd love to be a girls first because I'd get to make my mark on her it is certainly not a turn off. A girl that won't give head under any circumstances or who is a feminist lesbian is definitely a turn off. Late bloomers are not problem at all.

[MaxManwell]

It's a big flag, hon.

 

We live in a very sexually promiscuous society. I lost my virginity at 19, which seemed OLD at the time! Many people lose their virginity in their teens. It's just very commonplace.

 

So, to be 27, I think it raises an eyebrow or two. If you were a man, I would find it very odd, and I would worry that the disparity in our experiences would be a deal-breaker. Not because of your inexperience, but mainly because I would view you as someone who attached a much larger meaning to sex than me. And I wouldn't want to wait until you had a comfort level, as clearly that would be a VERY long time, OR, handle the responsibility of your emotions, which clearly would be VERY wrapped in you losing your virginity. Also, I would worry about what sexual hang-ups you would have...

 

You place a very large significance on sex, and that is played out by still being a virgin at 27. I don't think many people would welcome the challenge.

 

In short what you're saying is that most women are sluts and that slut being a slut, needs to be treated like an object (and indeed she is) in a way that a man who has not banged lots of sluts cannot handle.

[Stockalone]

I'm glad you found someone who appreciates it, because I have yet to meet or date any man who felt comfortable with it, let alone love it.

 

I think it is just a matter of personal preference. I can see why Tanbark and Jilly Bean wouldn't want to date an inexperienced person.

 

I am basically the other side of the same coin. I don't date women who treat sex like an itch that needs scratching, too much incompatibility. So, if I were to meet a virgin, I would consider that a good thing.

 

 

hm, yeah wouldn't tell of course. I never said it myself, but they always ask me. Don't think it would be a good idea to lie, would it?

I don't know if I would feel comfortable doing it that way.

But what if I don't want to just lose it? Because obviously guys want experience... :S

 

I think that it is important to know what you are comfortable with. You have been a virgin for all this time, would you actually consider having sex just to get it over with now? And would you be all right with casual sex in general, and more specifically to lose your virginity that way?

 

And if losing your virginity would be enough for the guys who previously ran for the hills, to change their mind, is uncertain. Somehow I doubt it would make much of a difference.

 

However, if you think it is time and losing your virginity now will be beneficial for you (not in order to find a guy for a relationship, but for your own sake), then you should probably give the casual sex idea some thought.

 

Not every guy considers experience to be a prerequisite for dating or having a relationship with a woman though. Then again, if all the guys you have been interested in, do think that your virginity (inexperience) is a problem, then you obviously are in an unfortunate situation.

 

I was a virgin into my twenties and if I hadn't met the right woman, I would have been comfortable to wait longer. I think that when you find the right guy, he won't hold it against you that you are still a virgin or inexperienced.

 

And I agree with carhill:

 

Remember, it's a process. One step at a time; your time, no one else's

 

You should listen to your instincts. Take your time and the most important thing IME, do it on your own terms.

[carhill]

how do you really explain it? lol, but i feel good, happy. nothing to feel afraid about :s why do you ask?

 

 

I did, with a male friend. He had a similar attitude to the guys I dated, so it didn't feel too good, but I did not expect him to react in any other way.

Try to define this a bit more. I think Jilly can help out here. I can't see this from a woman's perspective. For me, I'm happy, as in fulfilled and loved/loving, when I kiss a good female friend for whom I have no attraction. I value them and want the best for them and express my affection for them being in my life. When I kiss someone whom I'm attracted to, it's more primal, a mixture of love and almost a selfish desire, bordering on that balance point between passion and anger (hard to explain). Very elemental and definitely from the id/ego.

 

In order to feel "right" with my first, I had to release that elemental lust and just go with it, instead of remaining "above" it. This is where a woman can help. Men don't express their emotions and desires in quite the same way.

 

Part of your work here is to, over time, bring these desires and your virginity back within you. Right now, it's out there and you are reacting to other's perspectives about it. IMO, that's irrelevant. Sex is a singular gift you share. It's within you. No one's opinion matters nor is their approval required. This is similar to a man approaching a woman with sexual and romantic confidence. It's within himself; it is not dependent on how she feels or what her opinion of him is. He should respect her choice and desires, but it does not change who he is or how he thinks. Does that make sense?