I'm going to make this process difficult

[Simon Leon]

I know I'm being petty and stupid....

 

If my ex wants a seperation/divorce, I don't think I'm going to be inclined to help her out with any of the procedures. If there is any work to be done, she's going to have to do it on her own.

 

She left without planning on what she is going to do in the near/medium term.

 

I have removed all documentation that will probably be needed for any formal seperation/divorce procedings.

 

Marrage cert, birth certs, car titles, house title, insurance documentation, social security information, mortgage and retirement account information, all previous tax returns and supporting doc's.

 

I know this can all be retrieved by going directly to the agencies involved...but this will take some work on her part...especially the tax stuff.

 

When it comes to selling the house.....I don't think I will play ball there either. I could be a nightmare for any realtor trying to do open homes (hmmm...whats that skunk smell).

[Tripper]

Ok, this is your intention... but what is your purpose?? Acting this way will do what?? Just wondering...

[Simon Leon]

Just make things difficult.

 

She has moved out...so she dosn't know that I have moved all our lives worth of files to my work file cabinets.

 

Her friends tell her that seperation/divorce is a breeze. It sure isn't for me....this is the most crap I've had to endure in my whole life.

 

If she goes to an attorney and they tell her she needs to bring in all her documentation for the next visit.....she will get quite a suprise when she comes home during the day while I'm at work to raid the files.

 

Its still nowhere near the surprise she gave me when she told me she wanted out......for no apparent reason.

 

I'm just trying to play catch up. Please let me have some fun.

If I change my mind and decide I'm being a big baby...I can put it all back and no one will be the wiser.

[SingleDad]

Hiding financial records will certainly delay the inevitable. If she really wants a divorce, she'll have her attorney legally require you to supply the records to the court. It will rack of the legal bills and you will get divorced months or years later and with complete hatred for each other.

 

Enjoy your torment

[wannabehappy]

I do agree with the other comments but I do know how you feel as I will not help my husband at a divorce. I will not hide anything because I know I can be required to supply the info and that will get me mad and upset. You do not have to give her the divorce on a silver platter but u should allow her to get all the info the same way you could get it if you were the one starting the process. Dont worry cuz as soon as the process begins she will see it is not as easy as she thinks it will be. You do not know how she will react to that at all and how that will make her feel, that in itself maybe the punishment for her. Easier said then done but let things run their own course and things will get better for you, you will see. The anger only effects you in the long run.

[Ronni_W]

I know I'm being petty and stupid...

I don't think I've ever known someone who has willingly, consciously, with full awareness and (presumably) sound mind chosen that as a way of 'being' -- I guess at least your insight and clarity are commendable .

 

But I'd still suggest possibly finding a more constructive way of dealing with this stage of your grief. NOT for her...for yourself.

 

I am sorry for what you're going through. (((hugs)))

[Billy Bob]

Ugh! What are you thinking man? Until you two are "legally" seperated (By filing for divorce or legal sep) you are on the hook for half her bills and vice versa. She can go out and buy a new car and half the debt is yours...

 

So, if you make this difficult she could just hire an attorney and have him track down all the required info and send you the bill...

 

My advice would be to actaully take all the info you gathered and go file first.

 

If she is so hot to divorce you, you may get a better deal if you you draw up the divorce paperwork in your favor, tell her to sign. You may have a small window here where she will sign just about anything in order to have a quick divorce. Think smart not with your heart!

[Trialbyfire]

If you have joint liability accounts like credit cards, lines of credit, etc., best to pay them off and close them, before playing hardball. Also, drain any joint assets by 50% and remove your name from the accounts.

 

Btw, some jurisdictions consider you separated once you stop cohabitating, so if you've done the above, you won't be held liable for any debt she accrues under her own name post separation. Verify with your attorney what's pertinent in your jurisdiction.

[beraldi21]

hi there ,

 

i know you are going through a terrible time but stop and think before you act.

 

hold your head up and act with a bit of dignity, even if you feel shes acted badly , behavior like this will only make you feel better in the short term.

 

work on youself , sounds like you've started the grieving process already, but dont let anger cloud your judgement. if you've any children think about them.

 

let her go if she wants to go , but dont let bitterness rule you, its a sod getting through this and you dont want to look back in a few months and feel like a spitefull idiot coz trust me you are gonna feel crap enough.

[TrustInYourself]

The key is that you are trying to catch up to her emotional viewpoint. All you are doing is slowing down that process.

 

Speed up the process of divorce. Let her be scared of how quickly you are willing to get out. The sooner you force yourself to match her perspective, the easier it will be for you to move on and accept.

 

She's lost out when she gave up. Not you. Don't validate the opposite.

[Simon Leon]

I am getting so f**ing angry about this situation.

How dear she treat me like this.

 

Sometimes I wish she would just have a freeway accident.

[Navin_R_Johnson]

When mine first walked out over a year ago, I intentionally stalled and asked for time, hoping she'd change her mind. She was full-speed ahead with the D.

 

About 6 months in, I began living and letting go. I told her I didn't agree (morally or for the sake of the kids) that divorce was best, but I was not going to resist...I began being happy...genuinely happy.

 

Now, a little over a year later, I am the confident, happy one. I still disagree with her coward move, but I am totally happy just as things are. And there has been no D discussion in a while. While I don't want her back and I'm sure she hasn't changed her mind in any way, it is funny how time puts things in perspective for both sides.

 

Will I fight the D? No. But will I help in any way? Hell no. This is her choice and the consequences will be hers. I'm ready to get it on, but it is her move, and this divorce will have her name all over it--like when the kids and grandkids look back on it.

 

Just my $.02.

[Simon Leon]

I feel so bad.

 

I have always been a kind rational loving person.

I don't know whats happening to me. This is turning me into someone I even hate.

 

I hate her for what she is doing.........but she isn't really doing anything. It's my emotional responses to being rejected, ignored.

 

I have been abandoned. I don't have any clue on how to proceed. I don't want to rock the boat...but I can't carry on like this either.

 

One day I'm crying...the angry....the fine....then back to crying.

 

This has been 2 mths of hell.

[Gunny376]

I feel so bad.

 

I have always been a kind rational loving person.

I don't know whats happening to me. This is turning me into someone I even hate.

 

I hate her for what she is doing.........but she isn't really doing anything. It's my emotional responses to being rejected, ignored.

 

I have been abandoned. I don't have any clue on how to proceed. I don't want to rock the boat...but I can't carry on like this either.

 

One day I'm crying...the angry....the fine....then back to crying.

 

This has been 2 mths of hell.

 

 

And before all is said and done emotionally it may feel like 100 mile an hour winds, with 60 foot waves in the Bearing Sea ~ in short you've not seen nothing yet!

 

I don't advocate being a "lay-down" but I also wouldn't advocate being an aZZhat about the deal either ~ again ~ and I cannot preach this enough ~ BALANCE~ try your best to maintain Balance! Your going through the Five Stages of Grief.

[Chrome Barracuda]

What these guys are saying are kinda true SL hiding the documents could make it harder for you in the long term. The thing is you wanna make this hard you leave the papers in plain sight and let her do all the hard work of getting a lwawyer, filing, getting the things seperated.

 

But you be proactive too and get a lawyer and have your ducks in a row.

 

Start detaching from her. the more you show her you dont care and are moving on showing her you dont care. She might not even file, she might have second thoughts but by then you wont care.

 

You cant rationalize with a irrational person and a woman at that! So let go, and detach.

[beraldi21]

hi simon ,

 

get yourself a solicitor its really important. You dont have to move ahead at breakneck speed but simply retaining one may make you start to focus more clearly.

 

I took the step to hire one about 6 weeks after my ex left me , once i did the reality of the situation hit me , although i went into emotional meltdown it was the start of my healing. It has taken me 5 months to start feeling good again.

 

It didn't make my ex want to come back or see me differently but it stopped me denying the reality of the situation and to deal with it rationally.

 

It will show her you are not going to be a walkover.

 

Thinking of you , try to be strong , xx

[jon01]

What is a solicitor?

[Chrome Barracuda]

What is a solicitor?

 

A lawyer. in plain english.

[Ronni_W]

This is turning me into someone I even hate. ... One day I'm crying...the angry....the fine....then back to crying.

That's the grieving process, for ya -- no logic, rhyme or reason...nothing feels, looks or tastes 'normal'. Then just when you think you've got it all under some small form of control...BAM!

 

But. Through all of that, maybe it's about just doing your best to be the kind of person you love? It's a choice that says she absolutely has no power to take THAT away from you, too.

 

 

Maybe also...give all those documents to your lawyer? Can't really be accused of anything "negative", yet she may still go into panic mode over the missing items. (Maybe not the greatest consolation, but maybe not a bad compromise, either?)

[jon01]

If you really want to make it hard, you could just take all the docs to some undisclosed location and torch them to shreds. Then you have no documents, and just tell her/lawyers you lost or someone stole them, whatever. What are they going to do, throw you in jail or sue you because you can't cough up your wedding certificate?

[imagine]

I would agree with the process of destabilizing the divorce if it were for the express reason of restoring the marriage. I would couple this process with a gentle upbuilding program as opposed to one of recrimination. I suspect it would be a good idea to quietly find out what/who her backup plan is.

 

I know you are devastated, turn your foggy thoughts into a direction. Plan ahead. Be a leader.

 

Hang in there!

[TrustInYourself]

Why slow down the inevitable? Embrace the inevitable. Stare it in the face and smile and say thank you. You can not defeat a man who is not afraid.

[Simon Leon]

I would agree with the process of destabilizing the divorce if it were for the express reason of restoring the marriage. I would couple this process with a gentle upbuilding program as opposed to one of recrimination. I suspect it would be a good idea to quietly find out what/who her backup plan is.

 

I know you are devastated, turn your foggy thoughts into a direction. Plan ahead. Be a leader.

 

Hang in there!

 

Can you elaborate on the upbuilding program???

[Simon Leon]

I called her today and sounded very solom and told her that I needed to speak to her face to face.

 

She really freaked and called me back really worried and concerned. I mean really worried and concerned. I realize that she really cares for me still.

 

We are going to go out tomorrow morning.

 

Im going to try to take her bowling if I can get her there on the sly.

Bowling fixes everything.

 

"I'm going insane for my own wife.......now that's romantic"

[dgiirl]

I dont exactly understand what your intentions are in making the divorce proceedings difficult. The only thing I can see it serve is to get her more pissed off at you and feeling less guilty about leaving. And until you have your divorce negotiated and settled on who gets what, getting her pissed is just a really BAD BAD move. You HAVE to be smart otherwise not only will you be divorced, you'll also be one of those men who keep complaining that their wives took them for everything they had. Guilt is your best asset right now to get a fair divorce. Otherwise, it is going to get ugly and you both will be paying a lot of money to the lawyers. Plus, being a prick about things is just going to give her more justifications about leaving you. She's going to look upon your actions and reaffirm in her mind that she was right to leave you.

 

Go read Divorce bustings. I believe they were the ones who talked about the difference between a legal divorce and an emotional divorce. You think that by stopping the legal divorce you can stop the emotional divorce. And by trying to stop the legal divorce you are destroying all remaining love your wife might have for you and helping push along the emotional divorce. If ANYTHING, at the very LEAST, just remain neutral about the divorce. Dont lift a darn finger to any action of helping or hiding. Otherwise, you are just digging your own hole.