His wife is a ventilated quadriplegic.

[noforgiveness]

What about the rest of the family and everyone else that cares about his wife? How are they going to feel when they find out that the person who was hired and paid to take care of a dying woman was involved with her husband?

 

Don't think of the extended family getting hurt. That is part of the ow mantra. The relationship is just between the ow and the dying woman's husband.

[luvmy2ns]

In THIS thread you didn't, and you manged to behave for 4 posts I AM amazed indeed. But here let's click on your back posts shall we? Don't make me laugh Luvmy. :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: You of ALL people really have some nerve making a comment like that you REALLY do :laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

You have a hard time living "in the now" don't you? I feel sorry for you and anyone who comes in contact with you IRL. You just can't deal with people who don't agree with every notion that crosses your - um - "mind."

[Tomcat33]

It was a simple..."if this were the situation" (which is much closer to what the OP wrote than YOUR analogy, I might add), what would you do.

 

 

And can you please explain HOW is my analogy of be being paralized and completely finished sexually any different than what the woman in this thread explained about the woman in her case:

 

 

his wife happens to be a quadriplegic lady, who can't breathe (she is ventilated), eat (tube fed), speak (she can mouth words). She has been in this condition for 5 years. They do not have a sexual or physical relationship in any way whatsoever.

 

This woman is practically in a vegetative state in a wheel chair and the husband is supposed to cut himself off from the world from his own needs from his own necesitites as a man as a HUMAN being because he is married to someone who is there but not really there?

 

It doesn't surprise me one bit the response here from those of you that equate marriage to some sort of martyrdom. Tha's retarded to me.

[herenow]

IMO, this is just another case of two people putting their own needs ahead of others. Nothing new and I'm not shocked by this in the least. If people don't think about how their actions will effect a person who will live to feel the pain of betrayal, why would they care about someone who may never know that she was betrayed?

 

The justification that "she will dye" is disgusting, but like I said not surprising. No different than "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". It's still betrayal no matter how you look at it and if you are OK with that, then by all means carry on.

[Owl]

To the OP...

 

Seriously, my advice would be with the others that have suggested that you recuse yourself from this case, and hold off on pursuing a relationship until her H has had time to deal with the entire process of her decline and subsequent loss.

 

My reasons are both based on the professional impacts this could have on you if you continue to administer care to her while involved with him, as well as the difficulties any potential relationship in the future would have if you truly got deeply involved with him prior to her death. Friends and family are likely not to accept you based off of starting a love affair relationship with him while she's laying there dying.

 

Wait...break out of the immediate situation...and then see what the future holds for the two of you. That's my suggestion. No malice or 'ulterior motives' involved in it.

[SerenityX2]

Best advice I'd give is to back out of this all together...meaning your r'ship with him if you still want to provide care.

 

As others have pointed out, it is a grave breach of the ethics. I'm studying for RN right now, one of the paramount things they teach is not only are you the patient's caregiver you are THEIR advocate. Their voice, not yours and want you would want or think. Unless she's given her direct blessing. You have your answer. If he's encouraging it...I'd wonder about his true state of mind and how that would impact a future with him.

 

Sure people fall in love...but it's a choice. Sometimes the timing just isn't right, and there's no forcing that square peg into the round hole that will fix it.

 

Not to mention, "most" people need time to grieve and process death. Generally it's said to give some at least one full year. After the death. Mostly because they have to experience all the things such as anniversaries, holidays etc at least one time without that person to be able to emotionally give to another. Sure there's always exceptions but that's a huge risk.

 

Good luck to you...it does sound like you are struggling to do the right thing.

[Tomcat33]

You have a hard time living "in the now" don't you? I feel sorry for you and anyone who comes in contact with you IRL. You just can't deal with people who don't agree with every notion that crosses your - um - "mind."

 

 

Oh yes sorry my comment about you constantly jabbing people around here was SO three hours ago. YES I should stay in the now. This is the reformed you the old you from three hours ago is SO long ago. :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

But you're not reforeme for that long and there we have it, it lasted all of what 1/2 an hour? you crack me RIGHT up.:lmao::lmao::laugh::laugh:

[Owl]

It doesn't surprise me one bit the response here from those of you that equate marriage to some sort of martyrdom. Tha's retarded to me

 

And THERE is your example of a personal dig that was totally unwarranted. Thank you.

[Tomcat33]

The justification that "she will dye" is disgusting, but like I said not surprising. No different than "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". It's still betrayal no matter how you look at it and if you are OK with that, then by all means carry on.

 

 

It's not JUST that she will die, she is in a vegetative state practically. Did anyone evern read the opening post?!?!? :laugh:

[Owl]

But she's still cognizant of what is going on around her, and able to mouth words and communicate. Did YOU read the opening post?

[Tomcat33]

And THERE is your example of a personal dig that was totally unwarranted. Thank you.

 

 

That wasn't "personal" that was a general comment on the effect that marriage to me does not equate martyrdom, but to some it does. I don't feel marriage should be a sacrafice or a show of martyrdom especially when your spouse becomes a "vegetable". That is where ethics and morality come to play in these types of situations. Ethics and morality come to play in topics such as abortion and euthanasia as well and veryone has differing views.

 

Sorry you took it personally but my comment was general if you feel you view marriage as a form of martyrdom and take offense to that then so be it.

[quankanne]

I think some of you posters have jumped into the deep end of fantasy, because from what the OP has written, the relationship is not a physical one between her and the husband of the woman she's caring for, but an emotional one. And her main concern is that her deepening attraction for him might lead her in a direction she's not ready to head, because she is committed to caring for her patient/his wife.

 

so stop all the self-induced drama from reading waaaayyyyyy too much into this post, quit bashing OP and instead offer what she needs right now: Encouragement from wandering into a near occasion of sin!

 

sheesh ... mods ought to rename this 'A modern-day tale of Chicken Little,' what with all the misguided fussing going on ...

[Tomcat33]

But she's still cognizant of what is going on around her, and able to mouth words and communicate. Did YOU read the opening post?

 

 

And they are not having sex in front of her so what is the problem if they are falling in love where it doesn't affect her? They are both caring the best way possible for her and their "affair" is not depriving her of any sort of attention or care so what is the problem here? If you could give me one way this woman is being affected by this in a negative way OTHER than your assumptions that she knows and can sense what is happening, MAYBE I will be willing to see your side of things.

 

So let's have it, ONE negative thing that is affecting this woman?

[Lookingforward]

I have been umm-ing and ahh-ing about filling you guys in on the latest in my life. I know there will be many negative responses, and probably deservedly so.

But on the chance that I may receive a word of wisdom from you very intelligent and articulate ladies, I will go ahead and lay out the cards.

I am involved with an MM again. After I swore I would never go there again after my last disastrous result.

This time is very different. He is married, but his wife happens to be a quadriplegic lady, who can't breathe (she is ventilated), eat (tube fed), speak (she can mouth words). She has been in this condition for 5 years. They do not have a sexual or physical relationship in any way whatsoever.

I have been her carer for 18 months and have developed a romantic relationship with him for the past 9 months.

Her life expectancy is not great...she will probably pass in the next year or so. We have plans to be together for the remainder of our futures. It has been a very slow and gradual building of our friendship to the point where we are at now. I am in their home every day. I can honestly say I offer her the utmost best of care and wish no harm on her. I care for her immensely and would be devastated if she ever found out.

I have come to the point where it is all too much so many times, and every time he does whatever it takes to change my mind. He is not smooth with words or a cassanova. He is a very honest and genuine person. I believe him when he says he needs me.

So...bring it on. I know there is no way to make this sound anything less than cruel and sinister. I just need someone to talk to about it.

 

 

That doesn't equate to 'vegetative' which would assume some type of comatose state, so I am sure she IS aware.

 

Wyld, for your own peace of mind, and your future R with this man,I would remove myself from being her caregiver. You can still 'be there' for her H to support him through her final days, but it would be best if you weren't in charge of her care I think.

[Tomcat33]

I think some of you posters have jumped into the deep end of fantasy, because from what the OP has written, the relationship is not a physical one between her and the husband of the woman she's caring for, but an emotional one. And her main concern is that her deepening attraction for him might lead her in a direction she's not ready to head, because she is committed to caring for her patient/his wife.

 

so stop all the self-induced drama from reading waaaayyyyyy too much into this post, quit bashing OP and instead offer what she needs right now: Encouragement from wandering into a near occasion of sin!

 

sheesh ... mods ought to rename this 'A modern-day tale of Chicken Little,' what with all the misguided fussing going on ...

 

I know seriously talk about people playing out their own personal issues/inseucrities here SHEESH!!!

 

Given the original post there is NO sex and the woman that is ill has no clue of what is happening so what is the problem here?

[luvmy2ns]

sheesh ... mods ought to rename this 'A modern-day tale of Chicken Little,' what with all the misguided fussing going on ...

 

...or maybe The Taming of the Shrew, although I don't hold out much hope there as the same kind of stuff has been going on and on and on ad nauseaum across this entire site.

 

I agree that the OP's post was heartfelt. I worry that the dying W may sense their infatuation with each other and have that be one of her last memories, and also that the OP could get in trouble and lose a great career. She sounds like a very caring person, and her profession needs people like that.

[SerenityX2]

Well not to start a firestorm, but in her role as a RN it is her DUTY to be the patient's advocate, like I said her voice, not what the OP wants or thinks. It honestly doesn't matter regarding ethics what the husband wants, it's the OP's ethical duty as a RN to be the voice for that patient at all times even if it conflicts with her own views.

 

IMO you choose to fall in love...this is not some Hallmark movie, unless the patient gave her direct and full blessing the OP would be wrong "ethically" to continue the romantic side of this r'ship.

[Tomcat33]

IMO you choose to fall in love...this is not some Hallmark movie, unless the patient gave her direct and full blessing the OP would be wrong "ethically" to continue the romantic side of this r'ship.

 

 

Sorry but not everyone adheres to the idea that you "choose" to fall in love. Again these are abstract concepts we are debating.

[Owl]

Not having sex does NOT equate to the woman not being aware of a love relationship developing between the OP and her husband. Its entirely possible that she can/has seen this relationship forming. Sex has nothing to do with it, or her ability to know about the relationship. This isn't rocket science.

 

 

I think it was TC's analogy that confused the issue for some:

You make it sound like the two of them are having sex in the same room with the W watching the whole thing go down.

 

Again it is a personal moral choice, me personally if I became paralized from the waist down and was dying I would never deprive my husband from finding sexual happiness again. What kind of a selfish person castrates their partner and expects them to also lose their sexuality and emotion because they are dying. I couldn't do that to a man I loved.

I wouldn't want to punish him for my misfortune. I understand it is until death do you part but C'MON!

[jj2007]

I have been umm-ing and ahh-ing about filling you guys in on the latest in my life. I know there will be many negative responses, and probably deservedly so.

But on the chance that I may receive a word of wisdom from you very intelligent and articulate ladies, I will go ahead and lay out the cards.

I am involved with an MM again. After I swore I would never go there again after my last disastrous result.

This time is very different. He is married, but his wife happens to be a quadriplegic lady, who can't breathe (she is ventilated), eat (tube fed), speak (she can mouth words). She has been in this condition for 5 years. They do not have a sexual or physical relationship in any way whatsoever.

I have been her carer for 18 months and have developed a romantic relationship with him for the past 9 months.

Her life expectancy is not great...she will probably pass in the next year or so. We have plans to be together for the remainder of our futures. It has been a very slow and gradual building of our friendship to the point where we are at now. I am in their home every day. I can honestly say I offer her the utmost best of care and wish no harm on her. I care for her immensely and would be devastated if she ever found out.

I have come to the point where it is all too much so many times, and every time he does whatever it takes to change my mind. He is not smooth with words or a cassanova. He is a very honest and genuine person. I believe him when he says he needs me.

So...bring it on. I know there is no way to make this sound anything less than cruel and sinister. I just need someone to talk to about it.

 

I would suggest that you distance yourself from this situation ASAP. See if you can find someone else to take over caring for the wife. I think you are too involved personally with the wife and her H and from a professional standpoint, if the relationship you have with her H were to be revealed, it could cost you your job.

 

I think if you put some distance between yourself and the situation, you would be able to think more clearly and rationally. It would probably be in your best interests to wait until the wife passes and give her H some time to grieve and heal, then if you two still want to be together go for it.

 

It would bother me knowing that if the W's father knows about you two, I would think the W has an idea about what is going on. Something to think about. If she does know, she is probably miserable knowing her H has already moved on to someone else. At a time when she needs her H the most-on her death bed-he is already making plans for a future with someone else.

 

If I were in her shoes, I would be devestated. I would have no problem with my H moving on with his life after I am gone but this woman is not dead. IMO, she needs his full, loving support while she is still here among the living. Not him going behind her back and making plans for himself before she is even gone.

JMO

[Owl]

IMO you choose to fall in love...this is not some Hallmark movie, unless the patient gave her direct and full blessing the OP would be wrong "ethically" to continue the romantic side of this r'ship.

 

Sorry but not everyone adheres to the idea that you "choose" to fall in love. Again these are abstract concepts we are debating.

 

Even if you don't feel that people can decide who they "fall in love with" or not...you have to admit...they CAN control what they DO about it.

 

The choice to pursue the relationship or not still remains something under conscious control.

[Tomcat33]

 

I think it was TC's analogy that confused the issue for some:

 

 

NO I think it was this comment on page #2 post 25 that confused "the issue for some" and set the tone or the misunderstandings, ACTUALLY.

 

:laugh:geisha yea I know you find this perfectly ok that the nurse caring for the dying woman is sleeping with her husband. Such an apt name too.

 

 

Why are you so threatened by me OWL? :laugh:

[whichwayisup]

So let's have it, ONE negative thing that is affecting this woman?

 

This man is focussing on another OW, his wife's caregiver instead of spending the last few months/weeks with her. He is going ahead and starting a new relationship with her while his wife lays there, dying. Instead of sitting and holding her hand, telling her he loves her, he's off having an EA with the caregiver. He's bonding with the caregiver, getting to know her while his poor wife is left in the hands of the other 6 caregivers.

 

Anyway, he is the one later after his wife passes away who may have to deal with the guilt of how his EA started and progressed, he is the one who may have to face other family members and friends about this and maybe have to explain himself and how this all came about. THAT is why I have posted afew times that the OP needs to back off, put their relationship on hold.

[Tomcat33]

This man is focussing on another OW, his wife's caregiver instead of spending the last few months/weeks with her. He is going ahead and starting a new relationship with her while his wife lays there, dying. Instead of sitting and holding her hand, telling her he loves her, he's off having an EA with the caregiver. He's bonding with the caregiver, getting to know her while his poor wife is left in the hands of the other 6 caregivers.

 

 

 

Ok that's a good reason. But do we KNOW this or are we speculating?

Again is this our ethical voice of a preconcieved notion speaking or do we know this for a fact?

[Lookingforward]

This man is focussing on another OW, his wife's caregiver instead of spending the last few months/weeks with her. He is going ahead and starting a new relationship with her while his wife lays there, dying. Instead of sitting and holding her hand, telling her he loves her, he's off having an EA with the caregiver. He's bonding with the caregiver, getting to know her while his poor wife is left in the hands of the other 6 caregivers.

 

Anyway, he is the one later after his wife passes away who may have to deal with the guilt of how his EA started and progressed, he is the one who may have to face other family members and friends about this and maybe have to explain himself and how this all came about. THAT is why I have posted afew times that the OP needs to back off, put their relationship on hold.

 

It is supposed to be "until DEATH do us part" not "until I know you're dying anyway, so I will start loving someone else before you do die, so I won't have to be alone when you do" - sorry to be harsh , but this woman is not in a coma, she is AWARE.......