His wife is a ventilated quadriplegic.

[sb129]

I echo what the more rational posters have said. Wyld, i don't think you are amoral or unprofessional. The very fact that you are questioning yourself and asking for others opinions (with full awareness of the potential for flaming) shows that.

I think you have found yourself in a highly emotional situation that is far removed from a cut and dry/ wrong vs right moral dilemma.

 

The main take home message from this thread (that has sadly deteriorated somewhat) is that to cover yourself emotionally and professionally you maintain a R with this man that is strictly friendship until such time that the circumstances change and become a little clearer.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Virgo1982]

I'm sure as a police officer he has strong moral convictions and he will not see someone so unprofessional and unethical as a longterm partner.

 

 

I am cracking up.

[Virgo1982]

She has been in this condition FOR FIVE YEARS!!! If I were her, my husband would be allowed to get it from SOMEWHERE.

[Lizzie60]

She has been in this condition FOR FIVE YEARS!!! If I were her, my husband would be allowed to get it from SOMEWHERE.

 

Same here.. I wouldn't be so miserably mean and b*tchy to make my H miserable for the rest of his life...

[LucreziaBorgia]

I would consider removing yourself from the case, pronto. If you stay, she dies, and it becomes apparent that you two are an item - the people who care for her will be outraged and will do everything in their power to make your life a living hell: they will demand that you be investigated and fired, at the very least.

 

Give it some time and distance yourself. There is all the time in the world to be with this man. During his wife's dying days isn't one of those times.

[noforgiveness]

She has been in this condition FOR FIVE YEARS!!! If I were her, my husband would be allowed to get it from SOMEWHERE.

 

Oh please do you really think this is the first person he's screwed the last 5 years?

 

It is the fact that she is this womans nurse. Her caretaker. It is an absolute cruel slap in the face and ethically horrible.

[noforgiveness]

I am cracking up.

 

This is the main difference between someone who has the mentality to be an ow and someone who doesn't. I see people as good. I see the police as good. You on the other hand seem to have a different opinion of people than that and maybe that's why you don't care who you hurt to get what you want.

[Virgo1982]

Oh please do you really think this is the first person he's screwed the last 5 years?

 

It is the fact that she is this womans nurse. Her caretaker. It is an absolute cruel slap in the face and ethically horrible.

 

My comment was for anyone who felt it was wrong for him to see someone.

 

I didn't say anything about the fact that she is the caretaker. I think she should step down. (Just because I allow it doesn't mean I want to see it, or a reminder.)

 

I also think you need to calm down.

[Virgo1982]

This is the main difference between someone who has the mentality to be an ow and someone who doesn't. I see people as good. I see the police as good. You on the other hand seem to have a different opinion of people than that and maybe that's why you don't care who you hurt to get what you want.

 

You can't see any good in me.

[Virgo1982]

Do you know officers personally? Do you think they nab criminals by following the book 100% of the time? You would never make it as a police officer. They would eat you alive. It takes every kind of people to make the world go around. Didn't you know?

[wyldflower]

Hi guys, Here are a few things to clarify.

I never once said we were in a sexual relationship. I will be human and admit that the thought has crossed my mind but we are only emotionally involved and, ethical or not, in love. Condemn me for that if you want.

They had been married for 3 years when she became sick. She doesn not have full mental cognitive ability and she is partially blind. She can not move any part of her body but her lips and eyes.

Our team of nurses are very close. Giving 24 hour care over a long period of time obviously creates very much a family atmosphere, where boundaries are blurred at the best of times. Some of my co-workers know how we feel about each other and are very supportive as we get along so well, and have actually stipulated that they know it sounds horrible but being so involved in the situation they understand the grey areas a little better.

[noforgiveness]

Remove yourself from her care and then there will be no professional or ethical problems.

[noforgiveness]

I don't believe that. In her very first post she says she is INVOLVED with and then she says they have a romantic relationship. She further says "My conundrum lies in deciding whether I should offer him only friendship now until she passes and the time eventually comes for us to be together, or to maintain what we have now."

 

so basically she is deciding to stop having sex with him until she dies. She backpedaled the sexual aspect after she saw how horrible it sounds to be sleeping with this man.

 

 

What does being romatically involved mean then? What is the difference between offer friendship or continuing to maintain what you have? What did you mean by those statements if you aren't sexually involved?

[Virgo1982]

Hi guys, Here are a few things to clarify.

I never once said we were in a sexual relationship. I will be human and admit that the thought has crossed my mind but we are only emotionally involved and, ethical or not, in love. Condemn me for that if you want.

They had been married for 3 years when she became sick. She doesn not have full mental cognitive ability and she is partially blind. She can not move any part of her body but her lips and eyes.

Our team of nurses are very close. Giving 24 hour care over a long period of time obviously creates very much a family atmosphere, where boundaries are blurred at the best of times. Some of my co-workers know how we feel about each other and are very supportive as we get along so well, and have actually stipulated that they know it sounds horrible but being so involved in the situation they understand the grey areas a little better.

 

Yeah, we've forgotten about you, huh? Sorry. If there is any way she can find out or tell, I don't think you should continue caring for her. However, if she gives her blessing, it's okay. Like I said, I would definitely allow you to see him-if I could make the choice. But seeing you would be too much for me to deal with on top of everything else.

 

Also, you said she gave the green light in her own way. Can you explain?

[Lizzie60]

Hi guys, Here are a few things to clarify.

I never once said we were in a sexual relationship. I will be human and admit that the thought has crossed my mind but we are only emotionally involved and, ethical or not, in love. Condemn me for that if you want.

They had been married for 3 years when she became sick. She doesn not have full mental cognitive ability and she is partially blind. She can not move any part of her body but her lips and eyes.

Our team of nurses are very close. Giving 24 hour care over a long period of time obviously creates very much a family atmosphere, where boundaries are blurred at the best of times. Some of my co-workers know how we feel about each other and are very supportive as we get along so well, and have actually stipulated that they know it sounds horrible but being so involved in the situation they understand the grey areas a little better.

 

Great... I'm sure she gets the best possible care... I guess that if she can't talk or move there is no way she could tell him that it's OK for him to have someone else.. right? and I'm sure you two don't make it obvious in front of her.. so it's all good...

[wyldflower]

What does being romatically involved mean then? What is the difference between offer friendship or continuing to maintain what you have? What did you mean by those statements if you aren't sexually involved?

Because if you have been reading and absorbing anything else than your own aggressive responses, you would know that I said we are IN LOVE. IN LOVE does not necessarily mean sexual. I am wondering if I should step back from him and the job to alleviate these feelings that we have.

Nobody ever said anything about me sleeping with him.

[wyldflower]

Yeah, we've forgotten about you, huh? Sorry. If there is any way she can find out or tell, I don't think you should continue caring for her. However, if she gives her blessing, it's okay. Like I said, I would definitely allow you to see him-if I could make the choice. But seeing you would be too much for me to deal with on top of everything else.

 

Also, you said she gave the green light in her own way. Can you explain?

Hi Virgo.

She has told me she wants him to move on and re-marry. She confides in me a lot. i just didn't see fit to bring that up because it would be twisted and used as yet another nail to crucify me with.

[noforgiveness]

Because if you have been reading and absorbing anything else than your own aggressive responses, you would know that I said we are IN LOVE. IN LOVE does not necessarily mean sexual. I am wondering if I should step back from him and the job to alleviate these feelings that we have.

Nobody ever said anything about me sleeping with him.

 

 

I think just about every single person with the exception of tomcat and lizzie who have a totally different sense of morals agrees that you need to step away from her care. I think you know that too.

[wyldflower]

It's very sad for the W but it's reality and every one around her has to make every thing possible so that she is comfortable and well taken care of..

 

I'm sure the OP is a great provider of the best cares.. and also a very good friend of this woman..

 

She (W) is surrounded by people who are doing everything in their power to alleviate her misery and makes life easier/happier for her.

 

Despite her illness, she finds some happiness with all those people.

 

Good for you wyld.. keep up the good work... You're a great person!

 

Wow Thank you so much, Lizzie.

I was starting to wonder how good a person I might be, after being told I am fantasising over a woman's death and morally corrupt.

[noforgiveness]

Hi Virgo.

She has told me she wants him to move on and re-marry. She confides in me a lot. i just didn't see fit to bring that up because it would be twisted and used as yet another nail to crucify me with.

 

 

How does she confide so much in you if she doesn't have full mental cognitive ability?

[whichwayisup]

Sadly, if a family member or an inlaw see's this in a different light, even though your co-workers support you now, they won't if this goes to court. I am talking worst case senario here - But your co-workers are going to protect themselves, so fact that they may know you and him have bonded and some may have figured out that you're having an EA with him, they're going to change their tune later on, if questioned and their own jobs in jeopardy.

 

You have feelings, he has feelings, but neither of you truly know if it's because of the cirumstances and his vunerability, emotions of losing his wife. He's latched onto you, and you're comforting him, so that brings out deep feelings and emotions. Which CAN be confused for "inlove" feelings.

 

If it is love, then back off and respect the situation of his wife and wait until the timing is better.

 

Also, you said she gave the green light in her own way. Can you explain?

I think wyld said she didn't want her to know, that she would be devastated. So in a way, that kind of gives another light to this situation.

 

It isn't that he is with someone else, that happens, I think most are upset about the fact that wyld was hired to look after his wife and now she is too close and too emotionally involved.

 

Wyld, I asked you afew questions earlier on, about how would you feel if you overheard him speaking to his wife, telling her that he loved her, that she was his life, stuff like that..And how you would feel? Would you be hurt, jealous or feel that he should be saying that stuff to you and not her?

[wyldflower]

How does she confide so much in you if she doesn't have full mental cognitive ability?

 

lol. I was just about to add this, since I knew you would jump all over it...have you ever heard someone with ABI speak? They can still get their message across, can't they? Without full mental capabilites.

[whichwayisup]

She has told me she wants him to move on and re-marry. She confides in me a lot. i just didn't see fit to bring that up because it would be twisted and used as yet another nail to crucify me with.

 

After reading this part, then you have to resign. It's intentionally now sneaking around behind her back if she's confided in you. I'm sure she meant when she passes away, not "now" and especially with you. I don't mean that meanly, it's just that you and him ARE taking advantage of her, making a fool of her. Not malciously, but selfishly.

 

I hope you consider maybe talking to a counsellor about your situation and also find out what the legalities are as well. Would hate to see you post back one day with a lawsuit against you..

[herenow]

Hi Virgo.

She has told me she wants him to move on and re-marry. She confides in me a lot. i just didn't see fit to bring that up because it would be twisted and used as yet another nail to crucify me with.

 

Wow, so she is able to have detailed conversations with you. She is aware that she is dying and able to make comments about how she would like her H to move on and get married and you took that as the OK to have an emotional relationship with her H. Did she tell you that she wants him to move on right now?

 

No nails or crucifixion happening here, I just don't understand how a woman who isn't able to give her H anything emotional is able to have those kind of conversations with you. Seems to me she is very much aware of what is going on and if she is able to love her H enough to wish him well after she is gone, she loves him enough to be emotionally there for him now. What are you giving him emotionally that she can't?

[herenow]

lol. I was just about to add this, since I knew you would jump all over it...have you ever heard someone with ABI speak? They can still get their message across, can't they? Without full mental capabilities.

 

Makes no difference how or why she is communicating. Just the fact that she can tells me she can with her H as well.