His wife is a ventilated quadriplegic.

[wyldflower]

Wyld, I asked you afew questions earlier on, about how would you feel if you overheard him speaking to his wife, telling her that he loved her, that she was his life, stuff like that..And how you would feel? Would you be hurt, jealous or feel that he should be saying that stuff to you and not her?

 

Yes it would hurt. His love has changed for her over the years, from husband to caregiver. It is a very different sort of love. He and I didn't just jump straight into falling in love...he has had these emotional needs for years and they have gone unfulfilled, so I think if it was a matter of him being selfish or needy he would have found someone to cling to earlier.

I have been caring for her for 18 months and we just developed an emotional connection over time (he and I, as well as her and I). I am the first person he has loved in a romantic way (NOT SEXUAL, if you're reading this NF) and it would hurt me if I heard him saying those words to her. I know I will be strung up for this one. I am just being 100% honest because I really want to work though this.

I agree that I should stand down from my position.

[wyldflower]

Wow, so she is able to have detailed conversations with you. She is aware that she is dying and able to make comments about how she would like her H to move on and get married and you took that as the OK to have an emotional relationship with her H. Did she tell you that she wants him to move on right now?

 

She told him also she wanted him to leave her right at the beginning of all this.

Look, I am not justifying what is going on. I came here for advice not for condemnation.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, you should stand down because your emotions and feelings COULD put her life in jeapordy. People do things they normally wouldn't do ever, but when the emotions and jealously take over, all rational can go out the window.

 

Thank-you for being honest and answering my questions. I'm sure this isn't easy on you and I'm not going to bash you - It's just a sad situation all around, but you ARE in a position of authority in a sense due to being the caregiver to her, so that crosses lines and boundries, ethics etc..

 

He does love his wife and fact that he has feelings for you now, he more than likely is going to downplay whatever feelings he has for his wife so he doesn't hurt you.

 

She still IS his wife and she is alive. She still has feelings, thoughts, memories..I'm sure all of which shows that she loves her husband.

 

She told him also she wanted him to leave her right at the beginning of all this.

 

She said that, but she didn't really mean it. Many people who suffer those types of injuries and end up in a position where she is, say that to their spouses, because they feel guilty that they can't offer the same as before. I'm sure she means it but deep down doesn't.

[angie2443]

Oh, now, I wouldn't go that far. She sound like a very empathetic person to me. Don't be so mean.

 

Lets be honest here. She may not be fantisizing about killing the wife. Few of us could actually carry that out. However, the wife is in the way. How many of start our death watch when an older relative of ours is about to die and they have money to give us? She will benifit from the wife's death. The wife is in the way of her bieng with the husband completely. She is the wife's caregiver. Now, how many people would be happy to be in such a vulnerable state, with their caregiver having a relationship with their spouse. I bet the wife would like another caregiver. The OP should have enough kindness in her to find a differant position.

[whichwayisup]

I bet the wife would like another caregiver.

 

If his wife knew, yes, I think she would feel betrayed and hurt by wyld and ofcourse her husband.

[Lizzie60]

Lets be honest here. She may not be fantisizing about killing the wife. Few of us could actually carry that out. However, the wife is in the way. How many of start our death watch when an older relative of ours is about to die and they have money to give us? She will benifit from the wife's death. The wife is in the way of her bieng with the husband completely. She is the wife's caregiver. Now, how many people would be happy to be in such a vulnerable state, with their caregiver having a relationship with their spouse. I bet the wife would like another caregiver. The OP should have enough kindness in her to find a differant position.

 

Yes but maybe the W loves that 'big family of caregivers', from what I read she has developed a good friendship with the OP.. so maybe she is secretly wishing that her H will chose her as his next partner. She might have already given her blessings.. I bet she would never change her caregiver.. for nothing in the world..

[whichwayisup]

Yes but maybe the W loves that 'big family of caregivers', from what I read she has developed a good friendship with the OP.. so maybe she is secretly wishing that her H will chose her as his next partner. She might have already given her blessings.. I bet she would never change her caregiver.. for nothing in the world..

 

If that is the case then her husband and wyld should tell her that they're going to be together once she passes away, and also tell her that they're getting closer now.

[GPFan]

Hi wyldflower,

 

Do you recall the Terri Schiavo case? Terri Shiavo had been in a coma for 11-years and her Husband wanted to remove her feeding tube. Her Parents filed an emergency suit asking the feeding tube be placed back. Her Parents did not trust her Husband as he was dating someone else, someone who was NOT involved in her caregiving. How much more fraught with danger is this situation?

 

People are not stupid. If her Father has noticed, so have your co-workers and your patient. She is in no position to fully express how she feels about the relationship flowering in front of her eyes. You are taking the risk of being percieved as the vulture that is circling her carcass. She is still a Human Being with awareness, feelings, emotions and fully capable of knowing whether she is being loved or not.

 

You are also placing your employer at risk for being sued shortly after her death by Family members.

 

This situation is far too risky and you have no assurance her Husband will take up with you after her death. Some men won't end up with women who engage them at a vulnerable time because the ensuing relationship carries too many painful memories with it.

[whichwayisup]

Terri Schiavo

 

Her husband would have been better off divorcing and letting her family do what they wanted. Instead he hung on, made decisions that weren't heartfelt, more like she was a pain in his ass and preventing him from moving on, getting married to the OW.

 

Good post GPFan.

[OpenBook]

I just got through reading this entire thread, and I'm completely exhausted. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like for anyone who's involved in this situation. My heart goes out to every one of them - the W, the H, the OP, the other 6 caregivers. My God, what a horrible horrible thing.

 

If I were in the W's shoes, I'd be mouthing furiously at whoever would have the strength (one of my doctors, or a kind-hearted nurse, or the paperboy - anyone), begging them to please please take me out, let this end. And I would have started 5 years ago... and I wouldn't have given up until my wish was granted.

 

But I'm not the W. And the H has obviously chosen to put her needs above his own... for 5 long years.

 

I have no answers or suggestions to offer. But I can (and will) pray for you, wylde, and for the W and H too. God Bless You.

[GPFan]

Sex or no sex doesn't really matter... (eventhough I have a hard time believing you never had sex, but I would not condemn you, I would in fact agree that it's part of the A)...

 

Can you not see how this man could be vulnerable to feeling loved again given how much pain and personal sacrifice he has had to endure staying by the side of his practically vegitative W?

 

He could be a jerk and leave her.. but he's providing her with all the help she needs... he also has to take care of his own needs...

 

Well in terms of performing her duties as W yes she is in a vegetative state. She cannot provide any wifely duties to her H due to her illness.

Her sould might still be alive but she can't even speak. So what is there really?

 

And I agree with that no one chooses to be in that kind of sick condition but to expect a partner to devote themselves to you like some castrated monk because you cannot function IS a choice, and one some of you here would want because ultimately you are selfish and misery loves company.

 

I said IF YOU WERE in that scenario you might expect your partner to also die along with you. I would not.

 

Plus I would bet anything that the W has absolutely no idea about her and her H..

 

Hello white elephant in the room: she doesn't get to be happy because she is a shell of herself. THAT'S why.

 

 

I do believe this is the first time I have experienced revulsion, chills and nausea reading messages on a forum board.

 

I had to go back to be sure these words were actually spoken in the manner in which I took them initially. Sadly they were.

 

Vile.

[LakesideDream]

The husband is a Hero. The OP is a Hero. The caregivers are Hero's. The wife is an unfortuate victim of her failing health.

 

The OP and H have not acted on their relationship. There is no magic potions to prevent people from becoming attacted to each other. There is no switch in the middle of our backs that we can turn off to make the feelings dissappear. We are human beings. Not machines to be programmed.

 

My heart aches for all involved, much like Open Book. OB hit it on the head. Instead of being critical, we should all be saying a prayer, or holding a good thought for all the actors in this tragic drama.

[whichwayisup]

The OP and H have not acted on their relationship.

 

They have. They just haven't had sex yet. They've talked about feelings, their future, the what if's. They are growing closer and tell one another that they're inlove. To me, that IS progression of a relationship, sex or no sex.

[whichwayisup]

My heart aches for all involved, much like Open Book. OB hit it on the head. Instead of being critical, we should all be saying a prayer, or holding a good thought for all the actors in this tragic drama.

 

I agree but due to wyld being the wife's caregiver, this isn't just about a man having an EA with another woman while his wife is slowly dying. I think if wyld was an outsider and had NOTHING to do with the caregiving, most wouldn't be this upset and find this situation wrong.

 

Ethically what she is doing is illegal and wrong, lawsuits are filed ALL the time about situations just like this one.

[Lizzie60]

If that is the case then her husband and wyld should tell her that they're going to be together once she passes away, and also tell her that they're getting closer now.

 

I don't see the point in telling her right to her face.. that would be cruel... no need for that..

[noforgiveness]

I agree but due to wyld being the wife's caregiver, this isn't just about a man having an EA with another woman while his wife is slowly dying. I think if wyld was an outsider and had NOTHING to do with the caregiving, most wouldn't be this upset and find this situation wrong.

 

Ethically what she is doing is illegal and wrong, lawsuits are filed ALL the time about situations just like this one.

 

Exactly. It's the professional aspect not the affair. It is so wrong on so many levels and just strips this poor woman of any self respect.

[whichwayisup]

So, they should hide it and lie about it? Continue making a fool of this poor woman?

 

His wife wants him to find happiness, ONE DAY after she's gone, not now with wyld.

[angie2443]

Ethically what she is doing is illegal and wrong, lawsuits are filed ALL the time about situations just like this one.

 

I think this is the part that so many are missing. Certain jobs, nursing, police work, teaching, etc., have an ethical code. These are there because the people in these jobs are responsible for the safety and well bieng of the people they take care. They have the power to truely harm the people they are supposed to be helping and caring for (children, the sick, the mentally disabled), if they become involved with them in an unprofessional mannor. I don't understand why so many people have trouble understanding this.

[Lizzie60]

So, they should hide it and lie about it? Continue making a fool of this poor woman?

 

His wife wants him to find happiness, ONE DAY after she's gone, not now with wyld.

 

How do you know that for sure.. maybe she is silently hoping to keep the OP around so that they will be together after she's gone.. who knows .. right?

 

I see that most people are assuming big time here.. so why can't we assume the other way?

[angie2443]

I don't see the point in telling her right to her face.. that would be cruel... no need for that..

 

What about respect?? I can see few things more sickening then having the person who's supposed to be taking care of a patient, disrespecting that person they are "caring for".

[LakesideDream]

I agree but due to wyld being the wife's caregiver, this isn't just about a man having an EA with another woman while his wife is slowly dying. I think if wyld was an outsider and had NOTHING to do with the caregiving, most wouldn't be this upset and find this situation wrong.

 

Ethically what she is doing is illegal and wrong, lawsuits are filed ALL the time about situations just like this one.

 

OK, I give up. I will discontinue reading or commenting on this thread. Suits are filed all the time for no reasons at all. When we begin filing lawsuits against caregivers, in a situation like this, for falling in love we have gone completely INSANE as a society.

 

I will say my prayers for these unfortunate people. The poor soul with the fatal illness, and her husband and caregiver. I will pray that they have the stregnth to withstand their pain.

 

I will not judge either the Loyal caring husband, or the caregiver who works everyday to make the life of the patient less miserable.

 

Change your filters for just a minute. Compare the pain her to the actions of all the walk away wives and husbands in the world who leave their spouses because they "can't live like this" anymore, or because they have discovered they "needed space".

 

These people all are Hero's. It's unbelievable that some here would rather her husband had "kicked her to the curb" five years ago, or that the Caregiver should stop providing the loving care she has for the past five years. Those opinions are well beyond my ability to comprehend.

[whichwayisup]

I think this is the part that so many are missing. Certain jobs, nursing, police work, teaching, etc., have an ethical code. These are there because the people in these jobs are responsible for the safety and well bieng of the people they take care. They have the power to truely harm the people they are supposed to be helping and caring for (children, the sick, the mentally disabled), if they become involved with them in an unprofessional mannor. I don't understand why so many people have trouble understanding this.

 

I don't know either. To me it's just common sense.

 

If a teacher gets involved with a student, if a Dr becomes involved with a patient, if a shrink becomes involved with a client, EVERYONE would be saying that is wrong.

 

Why is this situation different? I'm not talking about love, the situation itself or whatever, I'm talking about a caregiver crossing the professional lines by getting involved with a patients husband.

[Lizzie60]

The husband is a Hero. The OP is a Hero. The caregivers are Hero's. The wife is an unfortuate victim of her failing health.

 

The OP and H have not acted on their relationship. There is no magic potions to prevent people from becoming attacted to each other. There is no switch in the middle of our backs that we can turn off to make the feelings dissappear. We are human beings. Not machines to be programmed.

 

My heart aches for all involved, much like Open Book. OB hit it on the head. Instead of being critical, we should all be saying a prayer, or holding a good thought for all the actors in this tragic drama.

 

Well said.. we are human.. this guy is human and probably devastated when he "lost' his W... I am sorry but it is easy for people 'in good health' who don't have to care for their partner like this man has to.. to say that he's a jerk.. etc... very easy for all the 'Holier than Thou' who has never been in a situation like that to condemn these people.. makes me want to puke... really...

 

I find this situation very sad for all the people involved..

[Lizzie60]

OK, I give up. I will discontinue reading or commenting on this thread. Suits are filed all the time for no reasons at all. When we begin filing lawsuits against caregivers, in a situation like this, for falling in love we have gone completely INSANE as a society.

 

I will say my prayers for these unfortunate people. The poor soul with the fatal illness, and her husband and caregiver. I will pray that they have the stregnth to withstand their pain.

 

I will not judge either the Loyal caring husband, or the caregiver who works everyday to make the life of the patient less miserable.

 

Change your filters for just a minute. Compare the pain her to the actions of all the walk away wives and husbands in the world who leave their spouses because they "can't live like this" anymore, or because they have discovered they "needed space".

 

These people all are Hero's. It's unbelievable that some here would rather her husband had "kicked her to the curb" five years ago, or that the Caregiver should stop providing the loving care she has for the past five years. Those opinions are well beyond my ability to comprehend.

 

 

Once more I applaud this post.. very well said.. you nailed it!!!!

[jcrew]

if I were you, I would stay with him.. there is not much HE can do about the situation, just be patient, one day you'll be together.

 

Yes, when his wife is dead. Which means she is going to be in this woman's home, trying to be patient for her death. If this man makes her happy, and the idea of a future with him makes her happy, that means at least some small part of her will be looking forward to the day she can fully be with him- the day his wife dies. And that is seriously disturbing. Almost as disturbing as people encouraging her to do so.

 

I agree, GPFan. Revulsion and chills.