His wife is a ventilated quadriplegic.

[luvmy2ns]

Give it some time and distance yourself. There is all the time in the world to be with this man. During his wife's dying days isn't one of those times.

 

Perfectly said, LB!

[bentnotbroken]

This thread is one of the most disturbing I think I have ever seen. It's just wow:eek:.

[jj2007]

No one chooses to be in that kind of sick condition but to expect a partner to devote themselves to you like some castrated monk because you cannot function IS a choice, and one some of you here would want because ultimately you are selfish and misery loves company.

 

They are all choices you are free to make yours.

 

The part bolded I assumed was directed at me because I don't agree with your opinion.

 

Well you keep asking me the same question so if you are not getting it obviously I need to repeat it.

 

Where do I keep asking you the same question? Can you read?

 

"Good try honey"!?!?! WTF!?!? You are not in a wheelchair and with a breathing tube and can't speak or move or eat without the assistance of a team of 7 on 24 hr watch, so let's hope you have a little something to be happy about.

I said IF YOU WERE in that scenario you might expect your partner to also die along with you. I would not.

 

I wouldn't expect my H to die with me, please don't try putting words in my mouth. I would be COMMITTED and RESPECT him enough to be by his side until the very end and yes we have talked about this and I would expect the same of him. When I make a LIFETIME COMMITMENT to someone I will follow through. But that's just me I guess. I never have and never will be a part of the "It's all about me" generation. It sickens me that some people can be so selfish.

 

I think I just figured out why there is so much back and forth here people just can't read.

 

By "good try" I mean your are not going to forcefeed your opinion down my throat and make me immediately convert to your way of thinking. You are also not going to rile me so, like I said, good try!

You know, people would be a lot more willing to have healthy discussions with you if you didn't talk to down to them and insult them.

You can catch a lot more flies with honey, know what I mean?

 

How was that an insult?

 

I was making the point that she has nothing to be miserable about, nor did I even say she was miserable so I have no clue where she got that from!?!? She didn't read what I wrote which is why she jumped to that silly conclusion,

 

You really need to go back and read what you wrote, no ones jumping to conclusions here except you.

Oh and have a lovely day! I can get my point across without being nasty and insulting, and I can respectfully agree to disagree. I would suggest that being something you could work on.

Toodles!

[Angel1111]

I don't think this question about real love is even relevant - if you think you love someone, then you do. Whether it will last 2 minutes or 200 years remains to be seen. It's still love.

 

As far as your relationship with this man, I think you would both feel better if you just continue to develop your friendship and then wait until he's free to be with someone before going any futher. It will make things a lot less complicated in the long run.

[Owl]

I agree Angel.

 

I believe that she is "in love" with the H.

 

The REAL question is...what is she going to DO about it?

 

Not everyone agrees that you can choose who you fall in love with...but everyone can agree that you can choose to ACT on that emotion or not.

 

I agree with the majority of posters who say that if she's in love with the H...her best course of action would be to recuse herself from the case to prevent any kind of ethical or legal issues arising...and to remove herself from the situation until after this lady has passed away, and her H has done all that he needs to in order to grieve and move on.

 

The question has been raised...is this fair to the H? The answer is simple...YES. People are conveniently forgetting that he'd have had to go through this REGARDLESS of whether or not Wyld had entered the picture. She isn't his SOLE pillar of support...or if she is, that's a bad situation already. He's had five years to prep for this...not having Wyld there to console him while his wife passes away will NOT kill him.

 

In fact...it should let him focus on doing what he NEEDS to do to support his wife in her last days.

 

If this is true love as many say...it'll still be there once the chaos settles, the family mourns, and he's got his feet moving in the right direction.

 

THEN Wyld and he should feel free to explore what might be...but sadly...not UNTIL then.

 

Personally, I don't understand why this is so difficult a concept for so many?

[Tomcat33]

Wyldflower my only concern with your removing yourself from the care is that this would cause a disruption in the care in terms of what the W would think if you were no longer there and the idea that the H will be distracted by not having you present, hence taking away attention that he could be giving his W. If he is preoccupied with thinking of you outside of the situation this could potentially cause him to be distracted from the proper caregiving that he is providing now and ultimately it would the W who suffers. I am confident you are trying to do what is best for her.

 

Wyld it's a thought and am just wondering if this has been a consideration or fear, that if you remove yourself it could cause a ripple in the dynamic which has already been built not to mention the relationship you have also developed with this woman?

[Art_Critic]

her best course of action would be to recuse herself from the case to prevent any kind of ethical or legal issues arising...and to remove herself from the situation until after this lady has passed away, and her H has done all that he needs to in order to grieve and move on.

 

How would you expect her to do that without ruining her career ?

 

She would have to give GOOD reason why she needs to be removed in the terminal case..

A black mark 3 miles wide would most likely wind up in her personnel file and that would be self sabotaging at this point..

 

Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease ( pardon the pun, it wasn't intended ).

 

I think she just needs to give him and the family her friendship and support as well as her being the caregiver and worry about any wrinkles later if they show up..

[angie2443]

This thread is one of the most disturbing I think I have ever seen. It's just wow:eek:.

 

One of the most disturbing things about this thread is, that in some way, shape or form most of us are going to be in the wife's position. If we don't have some horrible accident that takes away our body and ability to have a "life", we'll will grow old and weak and become a burden to those in our lives. They will cease to see us as "human" and will make decisions that will affect us with little or no regard as to what we feel or want. I've seen this happen more than a few times. Mostly with older relatives who either had strokes or cancer or dementia from old age. They become "useless" to those around and their main value becomes the money they might leave behind to others.

 

I think the posters who have no feeling for the wife don't understand that a somewhat similar fate awaits them in the future. Therefore, they have no way of emphasizing with her.

[Tomcat33]

How would you expect her to do that without ruining her career ?

 

She would have to give GOOD reason why she needs to be removed in the terminal case..

A black mark 3 miles wide would most likely wind up in her personnel file and that would be self sabotaging at this point..

 

Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease ( pardon the pun ).

 

I think she just needs to give him and the family her friendship and support as well as her being the caregiver and worry about any wrinkles later if they show up..

 

 

EXACTLY! that is exactly what I posted at the same time as you.

[Lizzie60]

Wyldflower my only concern with your removing yourself from the care is that this would cause a disruption in the care in terms of what the W would think if you were no longer there and the idea that the H will be distracted by not having you present, hence taking away attention that he could be giving his W. If he is preoccupied with thinking of you outside of the situation this could potentially cause him to be distracted from the proper caregiving that he is providing now and ultimately it would the W who suffers. I am confident you are trying to do what is best for her.

 

Wyld it's a thought and am just wondering if this has been a consideration or fear, that if you remove yourself it could cause a ripple in the dynamic which has already been built not to mention the relationship you have also developed with this woman?

 

I totally agree... then he could find it way too hard to take care of his W, and give up.. patience and endurance has a limit..

[Tomcat33]

I totally agree... then he could find it way too hard to take care of his W, and give up.. patience and endurance has a limit..

 

 

It's just funny how some people think that considering all sides and having the capacity to look at the big picture = having no empathy for the W when in fact that is the furthest from the truth.

[Owl]

Worse than being potentially implicated in the woman's death later...even if she had NOTHING to do with it?

 

Worse than possibly being a news scandal?

 

What's better? Admitting that you emotionally crossed the line with the H and recusing yourself openly and honestly...or potentially being charged with negligence, or manslaughter...or murder?

 

I am NOT saying that Wyld would do anything or not provide the best possible care to this lady. Not at all...what I'm saying is that being involved with the H and continuing to provide care to this woman sets the stage for her to be IMPLICATED OR CHARGED with this exact type of thing.

 

Once the line was crossed...this became a potential consequence.

 

The cure is no worse than the disease in this case.

[Owl]

It's just funny how some people think that considering all sides and having the capacity to look at the big picture = having no empathy for the W when in fact that is the furthest from the truth.

 

And its equally funny how many people have the exact opposite opinion from yours...that doesn't make it "further from the truth"...it makes it different than yours.

 

Not exactly the same thing.

[Tomcat33]

Worse than being potentially implicated in the woman's death later...even if she had NOTHING to do with it?

 

Worse than possibly being a news scandal?

 

Or that may never happen.

50/50%

 

What's better? Admitting that you emotionally crossed the line with the H and recusing yourself openly and honestly...or potentially being charged with negligence, or manslaughter...or murder?

 

 

 

I realise that you are a hardcore advocate for disclosure no matter what, but that doesn't work for everyone and life is not black and white. Life is about personal choice based on personal knowledge of personal circumstances and based on personal character fiber, ie choice vs outcome and what WE are determined to live up to given our choices.

 

I respect Wyldflower's thoughts either way provided she is doing what is best for all, I have to put that clause there because there is a limit to respect and of course respect is EARNED and so far she has demonstrated nothing that deems disrespect. Those are big shoes to fill and it looks like all involved are filling those shoes.

[Owl]

I realise that you are a hardcore advocate for disclosure no matter what, but that doesn't work for everyone and life is not black and white. Life is about personal choice based on personal knowledge of personal circumstances and based on personal character fiber, ie choice vs outcome and what WE are determined to live up to given our choices.

 

I respect Wyldflower's thoughts either way provided she is doing what is best for all, I have to put that clause there because there is a limit to respect and of course respect is EARNED and so far she has demonstrated nothing that deems disrespect. Those are big shoes to fill and it looks like all involved are filling those shoes.

 

Life is very black and white for a large number of people.

 

Its grey for those that choose to live that way. Its a CHOICE in outlook more than anything else. You prefer to see the world in shades of grey, so grey it is. I clearly see it differently than you do. That doesn't make my view or your view the "right" one...but it does mean that we'll never agree on a great many things. And it also means that your choices will often be far different from each others as well.

 

I actually agree that Wyld is attempting to do the right thing as best as she can. She came here posting her situation and looking for input. You provided it based off your world view, and so did I. Neither of us were disrespectful to her or of her.

 

I completely recognize that you (and others) won't change your view or opinions on things. I don't expect you to conform to my choices...but...I DO expect you to be respectful of them, as you would expect of others to beof yours. I'll not "condemn" your advice if I disagree with it...and expect the same in return. Simple enough.

[underpants]

Wyld,

 

If you step down or ask for an alternate case. You could use a multitude of reasons or excuses to remove and untangle yourself from reads to be a potentially bad situation. She has 6 other caregivers. Just asked to be reassigned to a different case.

 

You can still be his friend and if that bond holds over time, then cool.

 

As far as your professional career the wisest course of action would be to remove your presence from her care.

 

You are emotionally involved and have crossed the line. That does not bode well professionally.

[jj2007]

And its equally funny how many people have the exact opposite opinion from yours...that doesn't make it "further from the truth"...it makes it different than yours.

 

Not exactly the same thing.

 

Owl, you are wasting your breath. She only sees what she wants to see and her opinion supersedes all.

[Tomcat33]

Life is very black and white for a large number of people.

 

 

 

It appears there is grey in Wyld's life as well, otherwise she would not be here contemplating things as she is, if she adhered to a black and white way of seeing things there would be no need for this discussion. CLEARLY for her it is not cut and dry.

 

Most human beings don't operate in black and white 100% of the time. Notice I said human beings, computers do, humans not so much.

[Owl]

Again friend...that's your opinion. Not fact...opinion. Let's agree to disagree.

[pelicanpreacher]

I don't know what kind of repercussions Wyldeflower would face in disclosing to her superiors that she has gotten too emotionally involved in her case to function objectively as a caretaker but, in general, the medical profession is fairly advanced in its understanding of this phenomena and have builtin safeguards and counselling support for those individuals so afflicted. I sincerely believe this to be the case here and would implore Wylde to consider this possibility and seek the help she has available for circumstances such as this.

 

Wyldeflower, think of the many years of study, struggle, and experience it took for you to learn all you know to get where you are. The "black mark" you should definately fear is losing your objectivity while blurring the lines of your professional ethics to possibly cloud your judgement and cause a tragic accident requiring explaination before a board of inquiry or a court of law. Win or lose, this traumatizing experience will follow your career the rest of your days...that is, if you still have a career to return to.

[Tomcat33]

Again friend...that's your opinion. Not fact...opinion. Let's agree to disagree.

 

 

Sorry, it's a fact. If it were cut and dry and black and white she would not be here there would be no shaddow of a doubt in her mind and life goes on.

 

But yes we disagree, I can agree to that for sure!

[luvmy2ns]

I'll bet her employers would think it's a black and white situation. Wanna argue with them too? You can be her attorney at her hearing with her personnel staff.

[Owl]

TC...again...this is you attempting to push off your OPINION as fact...can you NOT see how rude and obnoxious this is??? Good god this gets sooooooo old having you try to end every single discussion with getting that last little barb in trying to prove your point!!!!!

[pelicanpreacher]

Life is very black and white for a large number of people.

 

Its grey for those that choose to live that way. Its a CHOICE in outlook more than anything else. You prefer to see the world in shades of grey, so grey it is. I clearly see it differently than you do. That doesn't make my view or your view the "right" one...but it does mean that we'll never agree on a great many things. And it also means that your choices will often be far different from each others as well.

 

I actually agree that Wyld is attempting to do the right thing as best as she can. She came here posting her situation and looking for input. You provided it based off your world view, and so did I. Neither of us were disrespectful to her or of her.

 

I completely recognize that you (and others) won't change your view or opinions on things. I don't expect you to conform to my choices...but...I DO expect you to be respectful of them, as you would expect of others to beof yours. I'll not "condemn" your advice if I disagree with it...and expect the same in return. Simple enough.

 

I would say that there are certain situations that call for an individual to discipline themselves to adhere to a rigorous "black and white" perspective while other situations have the leeway to include "shades of grey"! The prison systems are full, however, of individuals who can't discern this precept for they only look at life from the "shady" point of view.

 

If you don't stand for something then you're apt to fall for anything!

 

Sorry for the t/j.

[Tomcat33]

TC...again...this is you attempting to push off your OPINION as fact...can you NOT see how rude and obnoxious this is??? Good god this gets sooooooo old having you try to end every single discussion with getting that last little barb in trying to prove your point!!!!!

 

 

Let it go OWL this is not a black and white situation, is all I am saying if you see it as black and white that's your choice Wyld doesn't and that is all I am concerned about.