Am I being controlling, or is he being disrespectful?

[redfathom]

Yesterday some of my H's co-workers got together for dinner. I figure skate on Wednesdays and did not want to miss that so I told him I would skip the dinner but that I would call him after sakting ended (9:00pm) so I could see what the plans for the rest of the night would be. He had said they might go to a movie, but that he might just come home to hang out with me instead and I agreed that if he did I would skip dinner with my friends after ice skating.

 

So at 9:00pm I called and he said they were finishing dinner but he did not know what they were doing next or what he was doing. He said he would call me and let me know and if he skipped the movie he would come meet me and my friends.

 

So I went to dinner with them and by 10:10 (our dinner was now over) my H had still not called back. I sent him a text message, "are you at the movie?" (which he said he never got). He called back 5 min. later but I missed the call because I was driving and did not hear it ring.

 

When I got home I saw that I missed the call, it was now 10:35pm. I called him back and I could hear he was in the theater. So I said I would just talk to him later. However, I was a bit pissed off that he did not call me sooner since my plans were hanging on his plans for the night.

 

When he got home at 1:00am, I told him I was upset that he did not call me sooner because I was waiting to hear back so I could make plans. He said he thought I would figure out that he was not coming home any sooner and I would go to dinner and then home to bed. I told him I did not understand why he waited an hour to call me back and he said it took them that long to decide on seeing a movie and by the time they decided the movie they were going to see started in 15 min. If he waited around that long for them to decide then obviously he was going to see a movie. I mean the movie he saw he has already seen, so obviously that was not an issue for him either.

 

So he got pissed at me and said that I am controlling and don't trust him and he hates being on a leash. In reality I am upset because I felt disrespected that he did not think it would be nice to call me sooner when he knew I was waiting to hear from him so I could make my own plans.

 

I did everything I said I would do (which was discussed before I left to go skating).

 

If he had just said, I think we are going to see a movie, I would just make your plans that and I will see you late that night. I would have been cool with it. It's that I feel that he does not respect my time and that I should be flexible with my scheduled based on his schedule.

 

So am I being controlling? Or is he being disrespectful?

[carhill]

Sounds like a pretty uptight marriage to me. I'm pretty anal about things but my wife's schedule isn't one of them. If it works out (she's out and busy with clients; I work at home), great; if not, we will see each other again

 

Just for the record, we're in MC, so home life isn't rose petals. Our M doesn't turn on such fine details as related in the OP; if it did, I'd have been gone a long time ago....

[reservoirdog1]

I don't know the background obviously (maybe you're controlling in other areas of the marriage, maybe he's disrespectful in other areas of the marriage). But on the basis of the limited info here, I think you both need to just lighten up. It sounds like a miscommunication and misunderstanding.

 

So, my advice: when you see him this evening, tell him "I'm sorry I made you feel like I was being controlling. I just felt at the time like you were being a bit disrespectful, but I know you weren't trying to be like that." Don't go on and on and on and on and on and talk his ear off about it. Once you've finished saying that, give him a little smile. I'll bet you anything he'll smile too, and apologize for having made you feel the way you did.

 

Then take his hand, lead him into the bedroom, and have freaky-ass make-up sex.

[redfathom]

Yeah, our marriage is not great. No marriage is...

 

We made up and apologized to each other. I am just wondering if I need to relax a little. I want him to go out with people, but I also don't want to sit around waiting for him because he just can't decide. If he had committed one way or the other I would have respected that.

 

We hardly see each other as it is...so I do try to plan my schedule around seeing him. I feel that he does not always give me the same courtesy and that I am always the one having to be flexible.

[redfathom]

He did want make up sex, but it was 2:30am and I had just barely been asleep for an hour and have to wake up at 6:30am. So I skipped it...

 

But we did apologize and cuddled for a bit. I do need to learn to relax, I can be anal about schedules, where he is the opposite. I just don't have a lot of time in the evenings so I try to make the most of it. I get home at 6:00pm, have to make dinner, maybe run errands or wash my hair, clean up and try to spend some time with him that is not spent doing chores...

[whichwayisup]

So I went to dinner with them and by 10:10 (our dinner was now over) my H had still not called back. I sent him a text message, "are you at the movie?" (which he said he never got). He called back 5 min. later but I missed the call because I was driving and did not hear it ring.

 

He did call you back, yet you missed the call.

 

When I got home I saw that I missed the call, it was now 10:35pm. I called him back and I could hear he was in the theater. So I said I would just talk to him later. However, I was a bit pissed off that he did not call me sooner since my plans were hanging on his plans for the night.

 

Next time just do your own thing and let him do his. He was with co-workers, you had plans with your friends after skating.

 

All I can say is, pick your battles. I don't think he disrespected you, nor you him.

[Ronni_W]

I get home at 6:00pm, have to make dinner, maybe run errands or wash my hair, clean up and try to spend some time with him that is not spent doing chores...

Maybe it's that mutual priorities have gone somewhat askew? Cos I noticed "time with him" comes after errands, chores and hair washing.

And maybe his list (even if he hasn't consciously identified it as clearly as you have) ends with something like "spend time doing something relaxing." And if he does feel that you do ride him too hard sometimes, "spending time with her" won't actually fulfill his need for relaxation.

 

I think when a marriage is "not great", we develop a tendency to see more of those things that irk, and are more sensitive to them. Everything comes out side-ways; and clear, honest communication goes out the window.

 

But also, you do seem to already know your solution -- and that's a good thing, yes?

[redfathom]

I really don't ride him hard. I try to do errands so that he does not have to do them so he can relax.

 

It would not be so hard, but he works graveyard and we don't have overlaping day's off any more (for the next six moths). For the past six months we at least had half of Saturday and all of Sunday together. During the week I get home at 6:00pm and he has to start getting ready for work at 7:30pm. An hour and a half is not much time to spend together, cook dinner and such...

 

He is actually the bigger nag in the relationship, but also does the least amount of work. So not only do I have to do more but get nagged at the same time.

 

Plus I have to work my planned schedule about his unplanned schedule. He will call me if I am home late from work, or seeing friends, or such. If I am late from art class, he'll call, but I go to art class while he is sleeping, if he happens to wake up early, he does not call then get's upset when I come home late from class. I don't always come home from class on time because I assume he is sleeping.

 

Okay, so this is a big mess...I want to learn to relax, but it's hard being the one responsible for our errands and our time together.

[redfathom]

He did call you back, yet you missed the call.quote]

 

Yeah, it's that he called me an hour later when he said he would call me back. To me that means like 10 min., 15 min., not an hour.

 

I missed his call because we have a hands free rule for cell phones on the car, I was driving. I had my two days old bluetooth on (that I don't know how to use) but it did not beep that I had a call. When I got home, 10 min. after he called I looked at my phone and no missed call had shown up. Then when I was setting my alarm to go to bed I saw I missed a call and I called him back immediatly.

[carhill]

Our MC says making the M a priority is work. Like a job. The M is job #1.

 

OP, have you tried counseling? Since you've been with this guy since you were 15, he's all you know. MC might find you better communication tools and help you clarify your perspectives to each other and focus more on the M than who calls who when and works opposite shifts.

 

My best advice is to not expect the world at 25. You still have a long life ahead of you

[redfathom]

We did go three times. Our MC, when my h complained about me being messy, she said "progress on perfection." So I get what you are saying. My H does not want to go anymore. He went to IC and said that once he fixed himself everything else would be better...

 

You are right, I don't always make our M job # 1. There are so many things to do it's hard. But I do feel that I make it priority # 1 more then he does and that is part of the problem.

[NatoPMT]

Yeah, our marriage is not great. No marriage is...

 

We made up and apologized to each other. I am just wondering if I need to relax a little. I want him to go out with people, but I also don't want to sit around waiting for him because he just can't decide. If he had committed one way or the other I would have respected that.

 

We hardly see each other as it is...so I do try to plan my schedule around seeing him. I feel that he does not always give me the same courtesy and that I am always the one having to be flexible.

 

the no marriage is great comment isn't true. some marriages are great, and they all have ups and downs, the difference is knowing when you are having a down to when your marriage isnt great full stop.

 

the issue doesnt sound like its this niggle, you should focus on the bigger things and let the little stuff that arises as a result go i reckons. The reason youre pissed off is becaus eyou didnt see him because you dont see him much its the latter that needs your focus, if you focus on each small outcome of the bigger picture, you get accused of being a nag or controlling.

 

i always think you shouldnt react to the immediate annoyance, but look behind why youre annoyed and tackle that instead

 

yes, relax about the niggles and look for practical ways to sort out, without blame, the reasons behind it, and then he will be more inclined to stop feeling attacked which will make it easier to support each other over the real problems.

[carhill]

FWIW, it took me about 3 months of MC (about 8 sessions) to get past my resistance about being "right". We're now 10 months and 25 sessions in. Change, for me, started occurring at about six months.

 

My point is no one changes meaningful behaviors overnight. It's a slow process that takes work. My work is doubled because, instead of confrontation, I emotionally detached a couple years ago and "faked it". Bad idea. Don't be me

 

Your H is not "fixed". No one ever is. I'm learning new things and still making some of the same mistakes every day. It's part of being human. When you get to be twice your age (where I am now), reflection will give you that perspective. I wish you well in your journey...

[Ronni_W]

...I want to learn to relax, but it's hard being the one responsible for our errands and our time together.

Yep, I know what you mean.

And of course it's always easier to 'read' possible underlying dynamics and 'see' where positive changes could potentially be made, when one is sitting on this side of the problem.

 

Being overly responsible for all significant things does lead one to have to also be overly scheduled which leads to the next issue which leads to the next problem <sigh> ...I totally hear you, about that.

 

(Wasn't saying that you DO 'ride' him -- just that possibly, through more laid-back eyes, it might be perceived that way sometimes. The perception isn't necessarily accurate by any means.)

[Trialbyfire]

He is actually the bigger nag in the relationship, but also does the least amount of work. So not only do I have to do more but get nagged at the same time.

 

Plus I have to work my planned schedule about his unplanned schedule. He will call me if I am home late from work, or seeing friends, or such. If I am late from art class, he'll call, but I go to art class while he is sleeping, if he happens to wake up early, he does not call then get's upset when I come home late from class. I don't always come home from class on time because I assume he is sleeping.

 

Okay, so this is a big mess...I want to learn to relax, but it's hard being the one responsible for our errands and our time together.

So why are you solely responsible for all this?

[redfathom]

Trialbyfire,

 

Because I let that be the expectation.

 

Carhill, I am most of the time emotionally detatched and faking it in those moments. That is an excellent way to put it.

[Trialbyfire]

Trialbyfire,

 

Because I let that be the expectation.

 

Carhill, I am most of the time emotionally detatched and faking it in those moments. That is an excellent way to put it.

Understood but that's not exactly where I'm coming from. Are you happy with these expectations? If not, is there potential for movement from both or either side?

[redfathom]

No, I am not happy about them. About a year and a half ago I left my H because I was not happy about these things. Since then he went to see an IC and got on anti-depressants and he is doing better personally.

 

I think now there is the potential for these things to get better. I also think it will be easier once his brother moves out (he has been with us over seven years).

 

I feel that the last seven years have been stressful, I was not always sure of what I wanted, being so young, and so I did not know how to ask for things and I think he got comfortable. I have a lot of resentment from this (yes I am partically to blame) but old feelings are preventing some new feelings from forming.

[carhill]

OP, think of those old feelings as signposts you've passed. Important signposts, relevant signposts, but past signposts. Cognitively think and feel in the here and now. You are the sum of your experiences and feelings; don't let the past rule you. Learn from it and embrace it as part of who you are but not the sum total.

 

This is where MC has really helped me, identifying those areas where I have strong feelings and letting those feelings be my present truth, recognizing that some of them will mirror the past, as actions received today which hurt me in the past still can and do hurt me in the present. It's OK to validate that and express that, but don't bring up the past. Stick to the here and now.

 

It's a process. I may never reattach emotionally to my wife, but at least I now have the tools to do it in a healthy way if the desire and reciprocation is there. I see the effects each day. There is a lot more conflict now than in the past but it's healthy conflict, not resentment and outbursts. That's my work. My wife's is opening herself and validating and embracing my presence, not ignoring me and taking me for granted. Your and your H's work is your own. It takes both of you to make it work. One just won't do

 

Hot and sweaty here; sucking water down like a Hoover. Lawn looks great (just got done). Too bad it's my mom's lawn and she can't be here to appreciate it. Nursing homes suck.... anyway, hope the above made sense.......

[fadinglove]

Sound very similar!

 

Something my husband would do. I personally think it is disrespectful not to call you back when he apparently knew that your plans were dependant on his. Also the fact that he said I thought you would get the idea that he wasn't coming home any sooner. Sounds like he was being a jerk that night.

 

Have you talked to him about it since that night?

[Desperado620]

Red, it sounds to me like a miscommunication. My H and I have had a time or two where we let a misunderstanding get out of hand and it ended up in a BIG fight. Props for putting on your big-girl panties and handling the situation.

 

It also seems like you two would have trouble getting couple's time with the shifts you work. H and I had a similar problem some years back when I was working nights and he was working days. At first I resented him for complaining about my job and schedule, feeling like my efforts to help support us were unappreciated. H had to try a lot of tactics to make me see what my job (and subsequent attitude) was doing to our relationship. I ended up getting a new job, and though I still resented him a little bit ("Well why do I have to quit my job, why can't you quit yours?") it didn't take long before our relationship was thriving again.

 

And, my new job rocked.

 

Take it in stride, one day at a time.

[redfathom]

Yeah, the schedule changes get easier. It's been five years that he has been working graveyard and me day's. We try to make the most of our time together. It helps that he has three days off a week. I am glad things worked out for you...

 

Fading, I did talk to him about it. I told him I want him to go out and have a good time, I just want to know when he will be home, even if he can just tell me early in the AM.

 

Last night he went and saw the Batman movie at 1:00am, he got home at 4:30am. I was totally cool with it and I was glad he had a good time. I just don't like waking up two hours after he say's he'll be home to find him still missing.

[Haloandhorns85]

Yesterday some of my H's co-workers got together for dinner. I figure skate on Wednesdays and did not want to miss that so I told him I would skip the dinner but that I would call him after sakting ended (9:00pm) so I could see what the plans for the rest of the night would be. He had said they might go to a movie, but that he might just come home to hang out with me instead and I agreed that if he did I would skip dinner with my friends after ice skating.

 

So at 9:00pm I called and he said they were finishing dinner but he did not know what they were doing next or what he was doing. He said he would call me and let me know and if he skipped the movie he would come meet me and my friends.

 

So I went to dinner with them and by 10:10 (our dinner was now over) my H had still not called back. I sent him a text message, "are you at the movie?" (which he said he never got). He called back 5 min. later but I missed the call because I was driving and did not hear it ring.

 

When I got home I saw that I missed the call, it was now 10:35pm. I called him back and I could hear he was in the theater. So I said I would just talk to him later. However, I was a bit pissed off that he did not call me sooner since my plans were hanging on his plans for the night.

 

When he got home at 1:00am, I told him I was upset that he did not call me sooner because I was waiting to hear back so I could make plans. He said he thought I would figure out that he was not coming home any sooner and I would go to dinner and then home to bed. I told him I did not understand why he waited an hour to call me back and he said it took them that long to decide on seeing a movie and by the time they decided the movie they were going to see started in 15 min. If he waited around that long for them to decide then obviously he was going to see a movie. I mean the movie he saw he has already seen, so obviously that was not an issue for him either.

 

So he got pissed at me and said that I am controlling and don't trust him and he hates being on a leash. In reality I am upset because I felt disrespected that he did not think it would be nice to call me sooner when he knew I was waiting to hear from him so I could make my own plans.

 

I did everything I said I would do (which was discussed before I left to go skating).

 

If he had just said, I think we are going to see a movie, I would just make your plans that and I will see you late that night. I would have been cool with it. It's that I feel that he does not respect my time and that I should be flexible with my scheduled based on his schedule.

 

So am I being controlling? Or is he being disrespectful?

 

 

IMO, he is being inconsiderate if anything. My bf does the same thing, although not as much anymore. I don't know what to tell you to do, b/c the only thing I did was b*tch about it. Lol. Well, that and it was discussed when we went to couples counseling, lol.

If you can figure it out, please let me know!!