Suggestion box for ls

[Lyssa]

It's funny though, when a MM does post in this section, he gets bashed, has accusations thrown at him

 

I don't remember that happening to FMM when he came on here to post. I think it's all in the way MM puts it.

 

I don't pay attention to those who came here and say nasty things just because their OW decide they have had enough of MM.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't remember that happening to FMM when he came on here to post. I think it's all in the way MM puts it.

 

I don't pay attention to those who came here and say nasty things just because their OW decide they have had enough of MM.

 

 

I don't know when your fmm was posting here, but I have witnessed what WWIU is talking about.

 

A MM that is likely to stay married but wants to figure out how to keep his OW is going to say things that people catch onto. And some OW have been very keen to catch onto the inconsistencies when posted by MM.

 

Its just an interesting phenomenon when it happens.

[whichwayisup]

I don't remember that happening to FMM when he came on here to post. I think it's all in the way MM puts it.

 

Exactly my point. It depends on how it's delivered. Many OW have posted and have a certain attitude to begin with and they get jumped on, not only by BS's, but some OW as well. But, with that being said, each poster has a way of expressing themselves and deserve to be heard and respected..Yet that doesn't always happen..

 

Anyway, there was a MM who gave HIS opinion as a MM, or shall I say an exMM and he was told off numerous times. He left LS eventually.

 

NID, you're right, it is..

[Lyssa]

But, with that being said, each poster has a way of expressing themselves and deserve to be heard and respected..Yet that doesn't always happen..

 

No it doesn't happen.. and I think I should stop wishing it will happen.

 

[NatoPMT]

okaaaaay......... so if you were a habitual cheater but not an OW, I assume you weren't single.......which would make you a MW? Or you were cheating with someone that WAS attached ? How then is "never being an OW" taking a strong moral stance ? I'm sorry - I'm not haranguing you, just trying to unravel your thought processes here...

 

There seem to be some disparities in what you're saying.....

 

no disparities? i thought it was clear that i was saying how destructive my thinking was:

 

"by saying id never be an ow, i was creating a strong moral stance for myself, hoping that strong moral would somehow cancel out my severe failings in other areas"

 

appreciate what youre saying, thankfully i dont need to unravel my old thoughts as i have already done that

 

but i feel that as i have managed to overcome that, i can always remember how bad i felt without even realising, so i think i can feel empathy with anything that goes against the code ive created to keep me happy. As i so didnt understand what i needed to do, stop pushing things more and more as expecting broken behaviour to make me happy, then topping it with even more broken behaviour was the cycle i was stuck in

 

i dont need to go through that process again now and im no longer stuck in that cycle, i havent cheated for 8 years and I've never cheated on my fiance and i feel that i never will as i now understand what led me to do it in this past...my point was that i try not to judge others as I've done things worthy of judgement in my past. I wasn't offering myself up for judgement!

[Lookingforward]

no disparities? i thought it was clear that i was saying how destructive my thinking was:

 

"by saying id never be an ow, i was creating a strong moral stance for myself, hoping that strong moral would somehow cancel out my severe failings in other areas"

 

appreciate what youre saying, thankfully i dont need to unravel my old thoughts as i have already done that

 

but i feel that as i have managed to overcome that, i can always remember how bad i felt without even realising, so i think i can feel empathy with anything that goes against the code ive created to keep me happy. As i so didnt understand what i needed to do, stop pushing things more and more as expecting broken behaviour to make me happy, then topping it with even more broken behaviour was the cycle i was stuck in

 

i dont need to go through that process again now and im no longer stuck in that cycle, i havent cheated for 8 years and I've never cheated on my fiance and i feel that i never will as i now understand what led me to do it in this past...my point was that i try not to judge others as I've done things worthy of judgement in my past. I wasn't offering myself up for judgement!

 

actually I said there WERE some disparities..but anyway...wasn't judging you..just trying to figure out what your perspective was based on your past experiences....now I know - you're a reformed cheater whose morals are too high to have ever been an OW - got it.

 

Appreciate your honesty

[whichwayisup]

No it doesn't happen.. and I think I should stop wishing it will happen.

 

 

It can happen, it just takes every single person to think first and let go of ego abit..Because that is what alot of the fighting becomes -Battles of the will, someone has to be right, someone has to be wrong.

 

I'm learning not to care, not to let it get to me enough that I have to react and say something back. If people feel the need to be right, well, let them be right, so what.

[Lyssa]

It can happen, it just takes every single person to think first and let go of ego abit..Because that is what alot of the fighting becomes -Battles of the will, someone has to be right, someone has to be wrong.

 

I'm learning not to care, not to let it get to me enough that I have to react and say something back. If people feel the need to be right, well, let them be right, so what.

 

No it will not happen, WWIU! I am right about this!

 

I don't get involve in a lot of the battles of the best because the last time I did, I was banned for two weeks ! Plus I'm not confrontational, I know there are times I am right but I'd rather just let it go. It's the Libra in me.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I always thought Libra's were blood boilers...Oh wait, that would be Scopio's (my mom! LOL)..

 

You're right, but don't stop wishing.

[Lookingforward]

Wow, I always thought Libra's were blood boilers...Oh wait, that would be Scopio's (my mom! LOL)..

 

You're right, but don't stop wishing.

 

<---- can you guess my star sign then?

[NatoPMT]

actually I said there WERE some disparities..but anyway...wasn't judging you..just trying to figure out what your perspective was based on your past experiences....now I know - you're a reformed cheater whose morals are too high to have ever been an OW - got it.

 

Appreciate your honesty

 

youve totally, totally misunderstood what i was saying. disparities then but not now - like i said, i know that was a dysfunctional way to think and i dont think like that any more - i was explaining how i could justify anything i was doing to make me not have to think about what i was doing

 

if thats how it came across to anyone else, im really very sorry, thats not how i meant it at all. i have absolutely no moral judgement on OW OM or cheaters, i feel empathy for anyone who feels unhappy in their situation, and accept others don't feel unhappy in their situation and i would always try to help if help was asked for.

[NoIDidn't]

BigBelm

 

You probably have figured it out by now, but I forgot to answer one question of yours:

 

BTDT = Been there, done that.

 

Sorry for the delay.

 

Yours is a refreshing perspective, but some will not be able to receive it because they refuse to accept that they have any level of brokenness. Love is an acceptable excuse, when it wasn't love that starts these messes called affairs to begin with.

 

I have not cheated on my H, but there was a time long before I felt a need to look for a forum of Other people that I strongly considered cheating on him. And love had nothing to do with it. And I decided not to do it not because I was so virtuous and wanted to honor my vows. My reasons for avoiding the possible fiasco were just as self-sustaining as my reasons would have been for getting into it.

 

Whenever we offer a different perspective, bitterness is alleged as our motive. Be that of a bitter betrayed wife (as I am sometimes told that I am) or that of the bitter unchosen ex-OW (as some may accuse you someday).

 

I came to this forum curious as to why the MM were so hated and blamed whenever the affair didn't produce the desired result: a divorce and new relationship with the OW. And I still don't have a better answer than "he lied to me", "he used me", "but he promised", and some variation of this theme.

 

I know that I can't make other's change their choices, but I hope my views and experience can help enrich their perspective - as mine has been by many of the other's that have shared with me here.

 

Thanks for coming back.

[OWoman]

Obviously an OW who is happy with being in an affair won't see my point, but again that is her prerogative. I would never tell someone how to live their life.

 

Which is why you're not one of the bashers, HN!

 

TBH I didn't find Kat's OP offensive - I saw it as one of those "if the shoe fits, wear it" posts that many would shrug off and go, "yes, that happens, but it's not addressed to me". I'm surprised that some of the people who clearly weren't targeted felt that they were. I've seen far worse go down (here, on an OM / OW forum) directed at all OWs which, when some OWs have objected, they've been put on their place and asked why they're getting upset if they feel it doesn't apply to them.

 

My views on marriage are well known here but it would never occur to me to go onto the Marriage and Life Partnerships forum and take potshots at all MPs. Rather, when I respond there I try to respond to the OP from the perspective of where the OP is and what they're wanting out of it. Which is the same courtesy some BSs offer here - but, sadly, there are others who don't, or can't. And if their own pain is preventing them from engaging constructively then, as Kat suggested in her OP, why don't they do themselves as well as the rest of us a favour by not inflicting that pain on themselves (and trying to redirect it to others) and stay away from a forum that exists specifically for those issues that they find painful?

[Lyssa]

TBH I didn't find Kat's OP offensive - I saw it as one of those "if the shoe fits, wear it" posts that many would shrug off and go, "yes, that happens, but it's not addressed to me". I'm surprised that some of the people who clearly weren't targeted felt that they were. I've seen far worse go down (here, on an OM / OW forum) directed at all OWs which, when some OWs have objected, they've been put on their place and asked why they're getting upset if they feel it doesn't apply to them.

 

I didn't find it offensive and I was not surprised at all by most of the replies here. It reminds of the post a BS started last week or something.

[OpenBook]

Very well stated, HN. You are still one of the most insightful and caring MW here. I still don't like to call you a BS because it kind of keeps you in that status and I'm sure you are well moved on from there.

 

And this is exactly the part I don't get. If herenow has indeed moved on, and the "OW is irrelevant" as she claims, then why does she continue to post so often (including starting her own threads) here in the OM/OW forum? Why not post in the Marriage forum to focus on issues that commonly arise in marriages? Or (if she is here to help others) why not post in the Infidelity forum to help others who are going through the same thing she went through? To me this unrelenting focus on the OW is a blaring red flag that it's NOT over for her... and she is using the OM/OW forum to work out her own lingering issues about her H's infidelity. (Why she isn't focusing on her H and M is another apparent contradiction... but that may be part of the "new marriage" they've created together. Hey, whatever works!)

 

Of course, BS's have every right to post wherever they wish on this site... as do OW's. And I don't see anything wrong with using the OM/OW forum to work out personal issues in your head. That is certainly what I'm doing here!!

 

But why claim otherwise? When a BS's actual behavior contradicts what she says, I find it hard to value her advice.

[OpenBook]

Well I am convinced that some posters are obsessed and mentally unstable. How much of a rush does one get by posting nasty messages to people all day long? Go to the water cooler and have a drink. Go have sex with your H. Spend some quality time with the children. Most of the BS offer balanced advice. A select few are bytches that I would cheat on if I had made a mistake and married them. Could you imagine living with those nutbaskets? I can't even spend much time in a forum with them without my skin crawling. Sorry LS...

 

There I said it...

 

Virgo, I feel like I'm looking in a mirror every time I read your posts. You always nail exactly what I'm thinking!! I cannot imagine how horrible it must be to be around people like that IRL. My heart goes out to anyone who encounters them. But to each his/her own, I guess. One man's nightmare is another man's dream.

[OWoman]

Well I am convinced that some posters are obsessed and mentally unstable. How much of a rush does one get by posting nasty messages to people all day long? Go to the water cooler and have a drink. Go have sex with your H. Spend some quality time with the children. Most of the BS offer balanced advice. A select few are bytches that I would cheat on if I had made a mistake and married them. Could you imagine living with those nutbaskets? I can't even spend much time in a forum with them without my skin crawling. Sorry LS...

 

There I said it...

 

Maybe their Hs are too busy having sex with the likes of us?

[luvmy2ns]

I don't think she meant all marriages were as such. Mine was, and I was not offended in any way.

 

Just because you didn't take offense doesn't mean someone else won't. And good for you for not putting up with a lousy marriage!

 

And BTW, OP, I am not a BS. It is, however, my opinion that you meant to dig with that first post, then the discussion goes on to how we should all learn to have mature conversations. It would be easier to do so if the first post in a thread wasn't an insult to an entire group of people - moreover, a group of people already in emotional pain.

[Virgo1982]

One man's nightmare is another man's dream.

 

The grass is always greener when he gets irritated, annoyed, jealous, bored, etc.

 

And his dreams switch to nightmares depending on his mood.

 

My dream DOES NOT include a bitter man.

 

I've seen bitter men floating around here creating "he-man woman-hating" threads.

 

Not interested. I like to learn lessons and live life and I am attracted to men who are able to do the same.

[Tomcat33]

Originally Posted by Virgo1982

Well I am convinced that some posters are obsessed and mentally unstable. How much of a rush does one get by posting nasty messages to people all day long? Go to the water cooler and have a drink. Go have sex with your H. Spend some quality time with the children. Most of the BS offer balanced advice. A select few are bytches that I would cheat on if I had made a mistake and married them. Could you imagine living with those nutbaskets? I can't even spend much time in a forum with them without my skin crawling. Sorry LS...

 

There I said it...

 

Absolutely!!! I couldn't agree more.

 

If I were in a relationship I would not be wasting my breath here getting into petting arguments day in day out, and we all know who those are that their only intent around here is to do THAT, I would be too busy for that petty nonsense.

 

There are a few posters I have labeled (in my head of course) the JarJar Binks of LS Remember JarJar? Possibly the most annoying character ever introduced in the history of film. All he did was follow the drama around offering nothing of benefit to the situation other than to intrude and meddle only making the situation worse. And there are a few posters on this board that do exactly that. They are bored and claim to have EXCELLENT relationships at home and they are always flaunting about their great life yet their life seems to revolve around meddling here.

It's just funny how people can talk until the cows come home but forget that their actions speak otherwise.

[Owl]

Again...what difference does it make if they're in a relationship or not as to their posting on this site?

 

How is it a conflict that someone who's in an "excellent relationship" also posts advice on this site????

 

Heck...shouldn't it BE the ones in an good relationship (especially those that have been through the rough parts too) that post advice and support???

 

Again...why are people who actually post on here suddenly "suspect" for BEING HERE????

 

This seems like a sideways attempt to discredit people who have some good to offer.

[Tomcat33]

Again...what difference does it make if they're in a relationship or not as to their posting on this site?

 

The difference is that if you are on here 24/7 day, evening and weekends and also claiming to have an excellent relationship at home, unless you have a clone of yourself to tend to your life and your twin hangs out here all the time, there is something extremely doubious about that picture.

 

 

How is it a conflict that someone who's in an "excellent relationship" also posts advice on this site????

 

Because those that claim everything is excellent are not necessarily here to give any form of support or advice, notice I said they are JUST here to meddle.

 

You are taking this personally again OWL, this is not about you, you are here to give advice NOR are you here 24/7/ Stop being so paranoid man ;);)

 

Heck...shouldn't it BE the ones in an good relationship (especially those that have been through the rough parts too) that post advice and support???

 

Yes give support, some are not here to give any form of support at ALL. It's obvious who they are.

 

This seems like a sideways attempt to discredit people who have some good to offer.

 

No OWL it is a full on frontal attemtp to discredit people who have NOTHING good to offer other than meddling diatribe. Very different thing.

[Virgo1982]

Again...what difference does it make if they're in a relationship or not as to their posting on this site?

 

How is it a conflict that someone who's in an "excellent relationship" also posts advice on this site????

 

Heck...shouldn't it BE the ones in an good relationship (especially those that have been through the rough parts too) that post advice and support???

 

Again...why are people who actually post on here suddenly "suspect" for BEING HERE????

 

This seems like a sideways attempt to discredit people who have some good to offer.

 

I'm sorry Owl. I don't know your personal situation, but quality time is important in a relationship. Many BS can relate to that concept. You know how the saying goes..."You only get to be with your MM ______ a _______. How could you love him?"

 

I think if someone were really on here 24/7, someone in their life would be complaining that they had a problem. If my SO spent hours and hours on the computer, I would be concerned.

 

I would be concerned if my SO wasn't concerned about me being on the internet for hours and hours while I'm home.

[Owl]

Who's on here 24/7???

 

I've yet to see ANY poster posting at anything approaching those hours...or anyone who's posting advice (or even just insults) at anything near the frequency or range of hours that's been suggested.

 

Certainly not from anyone claiming a good marriage at least. What am I missing here?

[silktricks]

Who's on here 24/7???

 

I've yet to see ANY poster posting at anything approaching those hours...or anyone who's posting advice (or even just insults) at anything near the frequency or range of hours that's been suggested.

 

Certainly not from anyone claiming a good marriage at least. What am I missing here?

 

Whatever you're missing, I'm missing too....