Suggestion box for ls

[Virgo1982]

No, I'll agree that I was correct that you were simply pretending that you actually cared.

 

You told me she did a 180, now you are saying you don't see someone doing a 180 in a sitch like this.

 

I was saying there were signs more than likely.

I don't think enabling equals help.

[Virgo1982]

No, I'll agree that I was correct that you were simply pretending that you actually cared.

 

You told me she did a 180, now you are saying you don't see someone doing a 180 in a sitch like this.

 

Also, you don't think I'm being sincere because of the way I'm communicating and that is the point the OW were making about CERTAIN BS who post in this forum.

 

And I'm out...

[White Flower]

Some people are VERY good at portraying whatever persona they want to put forth for a loooong period of time.

This is so true. Anyone can be fooled; even the person doing the fooling.

[Lyssa]

This is so true. Anyone can be fooled; even the person doing the fooling.

 

So true! I had an ex like that. Shiisshh.

[herenow]

I didn't have time to post this yesterday, but I wanted to address Open Book's claims about me just coming here to bash OW's. Personally, I don't think I bash OW's at all. As a matter of fact I know that I have helped people (both BW and OW) on this forum.

 

I was waiting for a PM back from a certain OW before I shared this, and now I have her permission.

 

I have shared many times that my H has an addictive personality and is now working a 12 step program to help him understand and control his addiction. An OW on this forum read that and PMed me thinking she may have a problem as well. She asked me some questions that I couldn't answer so my H was able to help her discover that she did need help and she is now getting the help she needs, in some part, due to the connection we made here on LS. She doesn't post much anymore, but is one of the friends I keep in contact with via PM. We have decided to remain anonymous to each other for obvious reasons.

 

Sure most of my posts are helpful to the BW, but there are some OW on this forum that do appreciate the view from the other side.

 

As far as "blaming" my H like Open Book always tells me to do. I have always said that I do blame my H and have taken personal responsibility for my part in what happened in our marriage. I have always said that my H takes 100% responsibility for having an affair and has never blamed me or the OW.

 

As far as posting here, there are days that I'm very busy and don't post at all and other days when work is slow and I have more time to post. I'm not sure how the number of posts one has in a day relates to how happy someone is, but if Open Book wants to make that determination then by all means that is her opinion.

 

The fact that my story can be of help or inspiration to just one person is enough for me to continue to post as long as my time permits. I enjoy telling my story because of the outcome. Truth is, if I were so unhappy, I certainly wouldn't come to a place like this to continually remind me of that fact. But, again everyone is welcome to their opinion.

[bish]

Whew, thanks for getting the post back on track HN.

 

The blaming your H for what he did certainly is logical.

 

But the point of contention I have is OW/OM think they are blameless and have no responsibility to do the right thing. They think they have no responsibility to honor someone's marriage even if the cheating spouse doesn't.

 

yes, the cheating spouse is the one to blame, but it in no way mitigates the despicable behavior of the other person with their role in the affair.

 

I'll never find myself knowingly being with a married woman because I refuse to be a party to someone elses betrayal. The cheater can just find some other jackass who could give a crap.

[herenow]

Whew, thanks for getting the post back on track HN.

 

The blaming your H for what he did certainly is logical.

 

But the point of contention I have is OW/OM think they are blameless and have no responsibility to do the right thing. They think they have no responsibility to honor someone's marriage even if the cheating spouse doesn't.

 

yes, the cheating spouse is the one to blame, but it in no way mitigates the despicable behavior of the other person with their role in the affair.

 

I'll never find myself knowingly being with a married woman because I refuse to be a party to someone elses betrayal. The cheater can just find some other jackass who could give a crap.

 

In the past I have debated this one till I'm blue in the face and have just agreed to disagree.

[bish]

In the past I have debated this one till I'm blue in the face and have just agreed to disagree.

 

Well the other thing is, they tell the forum that it just HAD to be something the BS did to force the WS into the arms of another person.

 

And they wonder why it ticks BS's off. Afterall, it was SOMEHOW the BS's fault they were cheated on....right?

[Tomcat33]

But the point of contention I have is OW/OM think they are blameless and have no responsibility to do the right thing. They think they have no responsibility to honor someone's marriage even if the cheating spouse doesn't.

 

yes, the cheating spouse is the one to blame, but it in no way mitigates the despicable behavior of the other person with their role in the affair.

 

I'll never find myself knowingly being with a married woman because I refuse to be a party to someone elses betrayal. The cheater can just find some other jackass who could give a crap.

 

 

Look Bish most of us DO, we did not set out to catch a married man in our web of lies and deceit, we did not set out to wreck a home and destroy lives we (and I can mostly speak from my own experience) fell inlove with someone who had us believe their marriage was over. They showed us in more than one way that the D was coming that the marriage was done WAY before we came into the picture and this notion combined with our feeling of closeness and emotional entanglement to the MP is what helped us erase that line and cross a line not even MOST of us would imgine we would cross.

 

I know you are completely inflexible in even trying to understand that concept but until you are in a situation where the entire picture seems to fall into place and your mind is playing tricks on you and your heart is feeling out of control and like it will burst with emotion it is very hard to understand or even see HOW this could happen to someone.

And believe it or not I can appreciate that, I prob would have had the same attitude before this happend to me. But if there is one thing I am greatful for in this whole experience is that it has made me much more tollerable of other people's situations and why they need to go through as individuals and that I see as a positive.

 

I am still the same woman I was before I met my ex and I will continue to be the same woman who will not cross this line even moreso now that I have experienced what I did, but there was a moment in my life where things went off the track. I learned my lessons hard and with a lot of pain and to insist that people like us set out to intentionally hurt others is really simplistic thinking. I didn't set out to ruin any woman's marriage this marriage, the particular relationship I came between was already reuined beyond repair before I even came into the picture. So I am not going to carry a cross for the rest of my life finding fault in something I really had NO part of. I will never feel a part or feel the need to please the moral views of those who are on a straight and narrow and who really won't even understand human error no matter what. So MY concern is not to please all those that live their life in a bubble my concern is to make sure I become the best person I can become that is the only way that I can give back for what I feel I have wronged.

 

BUT if you choose to disrespect me as a human being regardless of my choices I will not stand for that, and more than likely you will also be met with some reciprocal disrespect. And this has NOTHING To do with my A involvement choices it is the way I operate as a normal functioning human being in my day to day life. If you meet me with negativitiy I don't owe you anything different because I am not here to try to change your attitude I am here to stand up for mine.

[OWoman]

They think they have no responsibility to honor someone's marriage even if the cheating spouse doesn't.

 

I can't speak for anyone else, but I certainly have no responsibility to honour a contract between two other parties, to which I am not party. If Jack agrees to rent his lawnmower to Bob for five bucks a week, and Bob defaults and hires Andrew's lawnmower for three bucks instead, is it Andrew's responsibility that Bob defaulted? (And if you think it is, I'll thank my lucky stars you're not a judge or a magistrate!)

[bentnotbroken]

This is so true. Anyone can be fooled; even the person doing the fooling.

 

 

So so true. I believe Mr. Messy has lied so long about who he really is, that he actually now believes his own lies. He even says things out loud to see if they sound good and then he goes with that. Sad situation really. I see people like him ending up alone and forgotten, because no one ever gets to know or like the real person, who ever that is.

[bentnotbroken]

Of course it is.. it's certainly not the neighbour's fault... If the partner was happy in his/her marriage she/he wouldn't go outside.. and that's probably true for 99.99% of all M.

 

 

Lizzie you have stated on more than one occassion that some of the MM you deal with are happy in their m. They just enjoy chasing something else.

[luvmy2ns]

Some people are NEVER happy with what they have. They always want what they don't have. Like a gal with straight hair wants body and/or curls, and vice versa. Some guys (and I know one JUST like this) have a GREAT woman, but they still need that little thrill of sneaking around and having variety. I don't know how this guy's W couldn't possibly know it. If she does and doesn't care, well - that's her idea of a relationship. If she doesn't know, she's blindly trusting.

[luvmy2ns]

Lizzie you have stated on more than one occassion that some of the MM you deal with are happy in their m. They just enjoy chasing something else.

 

VERY good point, AND it supported what I said.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie you have stated on more than one occassion that some of the MM you deal with are happy in their m. They just enjoy chasing something else.

 

Yes but that's not saying that they are completely happy or else they wouldn't be with me.. there is something wrong... most are in a sexless marriage.. a few are not having BJs... some wants a FWB...

 

I say, most of my MMs DO love their W.. and are quite happy with their M.. not miserable enough to leave.. but not happy enough to stay faithful.. but in general... I would say that in my case, they are quite happy... I make their life complete..

[luvmy2ns]

Some guys (and some women) are just a55holes who think the world revolves around them. THAT is why they THINK they need another "place" to spread themselves around.

[bish]

I know you are completely inflexible in even trying to understand that concept but until you are in a situation where the entire picture seems to fall into place and your mind is playing tricks on you and your heart is feeling out of control and like it will burst with emotion it is very hard to understand or even see HOW this could happen to someone.

 

I won't ever be in that position because I won't allow it. My mind doesn't play "tricks" on me. I control my thoughts and actions. No hidden force pulls me towards someone, much less a married woman.

 

And I won't fall in love with a married woman for one simple reason alone....she's married...and if she is cheating on her husband, then, well, she is a cheater and that isn't a character in someone I want.

 

 

I will never feel a part or feel the need to please the moral views of those who are on a straight and narrow and who really won't even understand human error no matter what.

 

translation: you don't care who you hurt

 

 

BUT if you choose to disrespect me as a human being regardless of my choices I will not stand for that

 

and the disrespect shown to the spouses of the people the OW and OM are messing around with? I guess the betrayed don't deserve respect.

 

 

And this has NOTHING To do with my A involvement choices it is the way I operate as a normal functioning human being in my day to day life.

 

Uh no, you said the experience of your A made you more tolerable towards other people that sleep with other people's spouses. Hence you weren't that way before. So it DOES have to do with the A. But does it really matter what it has to do with?

 

 

If you meet me with negativitiy I don't owe you anything different because I am not here to try to change your attitude I am here to stand up for mine.

 

likewise. Besides...when in this post did I slam you for being the OW?

[bish]

I can't speak for anyone else, but I certainly have no responsibility to honour a contract between two other parties, to which I am not party.

 

I rest my case. thanks for making my point for me. Don't ever feel you have to do the decent thing.

[bish]

Of course it is.. it's certainly not the neighbour's fault... If the partner was happy in his/her marriage she/he wouldn't go outside.. and that's probably true for 99.99% of all M.

 

There you have it folks. Lizzie the justifier just confirmed it. She, and others here, feel that the cheating is the fault of the betrayed.

 

Once again, thanks for making my point.

[Tomcat33]

My mind doesn't play "tricks" on me. I control my thoughts and actions.

 

Oh please look at your posts when you first came here, I believe we can still find them under Saliscious Crum? Or whatever your other name was...you had plenty of back and forth in your time of crisis. That is what people do when they are in a situation that has superceded them their mind DOES play tricks on them. The fact you would not get involved in a specific situation is fine. I am just talking about the concept of being in way over your head and not even realising it, not the involvement morally speaking.

 

You were way over your head with your W partying it up and smoking pot and off dancing with the girls, you know what? I WOULD NEVER Stand that from a spouse NEVER. I would never accept drug use from a partner and even less my children's father. yet you did, and you went along with it and in some odd way at the time it seemed to make sense to you to accept that and go along with it and more than likely you did for LOVE.

 

Well guess what OP do things that are hurtful to themselves and others as well FOR LOVE, much like you.

 

 

 

 

and the disrespect shown to the spouses of the people the OW and OM are messing around with? I guess the betrayed don't deserve respect.

 

 

It is the same disresepect shown to us, so if you want respect learn to give it. END OF STORY. And YOU as in the general you. And you know what it is not even the betrayed there are a few bad apples around here that haven't even been betrayed and they are just rude full of hate and clearly have no respect for themselves so why should anyone else respect them?

 

 

 

Uh no, you said the experience of your A made you more tolerable towards other people that sleep with other people's spouses. Hence you weren't that way before. So it DOES have to do with the A. But does it really matter what it has to do with?

 

That is NOT what I said at all but if that is what you are walking away with I don't have the energy nor the interest to try to convince yo otherwise. I thought my point was clear and it should not need to be explained it to you.

 

 

likewise. Besides...when in this post did I slam you for being the OW?

 

 

I wasn't talking about YOU personally I was talking as the general "you"

 

edit: don't know where the sad face appeared on top but I can get rid of it. LOLOLOLOLOL

[bish]

Oh please look at your posts when you first came here, I believe we can still find them under Saliscious Crum? Or whatever your other name was...you had plenty of back and forth in your time of crisis.

 

And where in any of my posts did I say, "I just might go out and find me a married woman" or "I can see how I might fall for a married woman someday"??

 

I wasn't the cheater, and I wasn't the one who slept with someone elses spouse....so I don't know what you are talking about here.

 

 

That is what people do when they are in a situation that has superceded them their mind DOES play tricks on them.

 

Maybe when dealt a serious blow and are temporarily in shock. How is it I'd be in shock by saying, "I will not sleep with a married woman?"

 

 

You were way over your head with your W partying it up and smoking pot and off dancing with the girls, you know what? I WOULD NEVER Stand that from a spouse NEVER.

 

And when the fog lifted, and I started thinking clearly....I didn't stand for it. I got a divorce.

 

 

It is the same disresepect shown to us, so if you want respect learn to give it. END OF STORY.

 

I don't give it to those that disrespect people in real life and hurt people.

END OF STORY

[bish]

That is NOT what I said at all but if that is what you are walking away with I don't have the energy nor the interest to try to convince yo otherwise. I thought my point was clear and it should not need to be explained it to you.

 

"But if there is one thing I am greatful for in this whole experience is that it has made me much more tollerable of other people's situations"

 

What experience were you referring to if it wasn't your affair?

[herenow]

Of course it is.. it's certainly not the neighbour's fault... If the partner was happy in his/her marriage she/he wouldn't go outside.. and that's probably true for 99.99% of all M.

 

What happened to blaming the cheater for his or her actions? Certainly if you can blame the wife, the wife can blame you, right?

[Owl]

Has anyone ever noticed how a common thread of advice around here that we offer new people is that others can't make them happy...they have to learn that they're responsible for their OWN happiness?

 

I know I've offered that advice, and had many posters from both "sides" agree with it.

 

But what about the other side of that?

 

That would mean that you're responsible for your own UNHAPPINESS too, right?

 

But wait a minute...if that applied to the CHEATER...

 

That would mean that....gulp...they could be responsible for their own unhappiness that led them to choose to cheat in the first place???

 

Sometimes people are unhappy in a marriage, but do NOTHING to actually attempt to fix or solve the problem. Heck...often they don't even voice the fact that there IS a problem.

 

Bluntly...the choice to AVOID the issue in a marriage by having an affair with someone else is NOT the BS's fault. The BS may or may not have contributed to the 'state of the marriage'...but often, the REAL source of the unhappiness is the WS THEMSELVES.

 

How is THAT the BS's "fault"?

 

This was clearly the case in my own situation, btw. It wasn't anything that I was doing or not doing...it was my wife's untreated situational depression, coupled with poor boundaries that led to her choice to have an emotional affair.

[Virgo1982]

Has anyone ever noticed how a common thread of advice around here that we offer new people is that others can't make them happy...they have to learn that they're responsible for their OWN happiness?

 

I know I've offered that advice, and had many posters from both "sides" agree with it.

 

But what about the other side of that?

 

That would mean that you're responsible for your own UNHAPPINESS too, right?

 

But wait a minute...if that applied to the CHEATER...

 

That would mean that....gulp...they could be responsible for their own unhappiness that led them to choose to cheat in the first place???

 

Sometimes people are unhappy in a marriage, but do NOTHING to actually attempt to fix or solve the problem. Heck...often they don't even voice the fact that there IS a problem.

 

Bluntly...the choice to AVOID the issue in a marriage by having an affair with someone else is NOT the BS's fault. The BS may or may not have contributed to the 'state of the marriage'...but often, the REAL source of the unhappiness is the WS THEMSELVES.

 

How is THAT the BS's "fault"?

 

This was clearly the case in my own situation, btw. It wasn't anything that I was doing or not doing...it was my wife's untreated situational depression, coupled with poor boundaries that led to her choice to have an emotional affair.

 

Or it could mean they are responsible for not being cake-eaters and either reform their ways, find a more suitable marriage partner, or realize that they should remain single.