noforgiveness Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Quite simply.......yes! I don't want to live with him, marry him, etc. I dont want him to leave his 'life' for me. I don't need him to take care of me. I never intend to get married again in my life but if somebody comes into my world, sweeps me off my feet and proves to be worthy of my love and life..........who knows!????? That's not meant to sound conceited its just that I think people settle and accept so many things because they don't want to be alone. Without sounding judgemental or condescending, many women (people) stay in marriages and relationships that are not working rather than be ALONE! I think some people equate being alone with being lonely! I am neither settling nor lonely! I love MM for what good he brings to my life and am not judging all the negative he has in his life as that is HIS choice and those are his decisions. As long as the negative things stay in his world and do not interfere with me he is welcome to share parts of my life with me. Don't you feel you are settling for a man that is not fully available to you. You must want to have an open relationship and not settle for hiding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KATANYA Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 Don't you feel you are settling for a man that is not fully available to you. You must want to have an open relationship and not settle for hiding.[/quote] Nope.....he makes himself available when I want or need him and I'm not hiding from anyone! I have nothing to hide and no one to answer to! I don't want any one 'RELATIONSHIP' at this point in my life. He is a wonderful man TO ME and that is all I ask of him and expect of him. I don't need arm candy or a chaperone to events or activities, I have lots of friends who share my interests. I am not interested in being a 'couple' with anyone and don't feel any need or pressure to display that kind of relationship with MM or any other man. I truly believe I am worthy to stand on my own and do so knowiing I am one of the few people in any group of couples who really feels that they are 'LIVING' their life the way they want. Forgive me if I sound 'anti-relationship' I am not at all. I just have soooo many friends that are unhappy in relationships and do nothing about it. I know first hand now how fragile life is and how important it is to live EVERY DAY as if it were the last one you were given. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Quite simply.......yes! I don't want to live with him, marry him, etc. I dont want him to leave his 'life' for me. I don't need him to take care of me. I never intend to get married again in my life but if somebody comes into my world, sweeps me off my feet and proves to be worthy of my love and life..........who knows!????? That's not meant to sound conceited its just that I think people settle and accept so many things because they don't want to be alone. Without sounding judgemental or condescending, many women (people) stay in marriages and relationships that are not working rather than be ALONE! I think some people equate being alone with being lonely! I am neither settling nor lonely! I love MM for what good he brings to my life and am not judging all the negative he has in his life as that is HIS choice and those are his decisions. As long as the negative things stay in his world and do not interfere with me he is welcome to share parts of my life with me. Ok,, your my new Idol!!! I like what you say.. I think you need to keep writing so I can learn a bit more.... How wants to do the laundry and cooking anyway... How am I doing???? Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Don't you feel you are settling for a man that is not fully available to you. You must want to have an open relationship and not settle for hiding.[/quote] Nope.....he makes himself available when I want or need him and I'm not hiding from anyone! I have nothing to hide and no one to answer to! I don't want any one 'RELATIONSHIP' at this point in my life. He is a wonderful man TO ME and that is all I ask of him and expect of him. I don't need arm candy or a chaperone to events or activities, I have lots of friends who share my interests. I am not interested in being a 'couple' with anyone and don't feel any need or pressure to display that kind of relationship with MM or any other man. I truly believe I am worthy to stand on my own and do so knowiing I am one of the few people in any group of couples who really feels that they are 'LIVING' their life the way they want. Forgive me if I sound 'anti-relationship' I am not at all. I just have soooo many friends that are unhappy in relationships and do nothing about it. I know first hand now how fragile life is and how important it is to live EVERY DAY as if it were the last one you were given.Hmmm, I used to think like this too before mm.... What happened to me? Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Hmmm, I used to think like this too before mm.... What happened to me? You fell in love and wanted a true partnership and all that goes along with it. It's only natural and does not make someone any less independent because they want a partnership with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Well I am convinced that some posters are obsessed and mentally unstable. How much of a rush does one get by posting nasty messages to people all day long? Go to the water cooler and have a drink. Go have sex with your H. Spend some quality time with the children. Most of the BS offer balanced advice. A select few are bytches that I would cheat on if I had made a mistake and married them. Could you imagine living with those nutbaskets? I can't even spend much time in a forum with them without my skin crawling. Sorry LS... There I said it... You got it off your chest, hey! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Actually I had no intention of BASHING anyone because I truly believe everyone has the right to say feel and do what they want. I was just truly surprised at HOW MUCH OW bashing is happening and gotten away with in the OW forum and it almost makes you NOT want to post as an OW/OP because no one is getting the feedback/help they are coming here seeking. My suggestion is simply to EMPHASIZE (hence the caps) that if you don't want to accept that OW are out here and you don't condone the behavior and you dont accept that the A's sometimes are more than just sex and mean something to both the MM/MW and the OW/OM then do yourself a favor and DONT READ!!!!! Personally, I am just happy to be back and am not the least bit daunted by the backlash I'll get when I say that I am back with my MM (abeit a totally different kind of relationship than we had before and one that requires more explanation than I'll give today) and things have never been better! I've had a really rough few months and many more to go and he has been the best friend I never thought I'd ever have by my side! By the way, hi GEL....hope you are still doing well and as blissfully happy in your R as you were when I left for awhile. I've noticed that even when you try to be understanding, you'll get bashed for doing that, and accused of being a cheater yourself. So juvenile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KATANYA Posted July 18, 2008 Author Share Posted July 18, 2008 You fell in love and wanted a true partnership and all that goes along with it. It's only natural and does not make someone any less independent because they want a partnership with someone. I don't disagree at all that some people would want a 'partnership' and that they can be no less independent because of this want. The issue I have is that so many women (and I'm sure people in general but I have seen it more with women) will give up who they are and what they want in order to please the 'partner' they feel they NEED in their life - whether it is a boyfriend, husband, OM, etc. Falling in love should not mean losing our identity or starting to live FOR someone else. I don't believe that falling in love and wanting a 'partnership' means you have to 'give up' who you are as a person but that so often happens in our attempts to be a 'couple'. I believe relationships (ANY relationship) should enhance our lives....it should give to what already exists and make our lives better in some way to have that person and that relationship as part of our life. I don't mean every time we have a problem with a person in our lives we should dump them. I simply mean relationships are meant to complement (complete) who we are and want to be. I cannot be good in a relationship and cannot either contribute to a relationship or benefit from a relationship unless I am first sure of who I am and what I want out of my own life. In short, if I am in a relationship that is making me sad, causing me hardship or otherwise taking away from who I am or want to be, it is not a relationship that I need or want in my life. If the relationship complements me, improves my life or brings me greater joy, pleasure or happiness, then I would embrace it and nurture it while accepting its benefits as well as its limitations and understanding that, in the end, it is myself and not my relationships that define me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Katanya, I agree with your above post especially the part about a R should enhance a person's life and not lose herself in it. Good to know you're happy where you are right now. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I don't disagree at all that some people would want a 'partnership' and that they can be no less independent because of this want. The issue I have is that so many women (and I'm sure people in general but I have seen it more with women) will give up who they are and what they want in order to please the 'partner' they feel they NEED in their life - whether it is a boyfriend, husband, OM, etc. Falling in love should not mean losing our identity or starting to live FOR someone else. I don't believe that falling in love and wanting a 'partnership' means you have to 'give up' who you are as a person but that so often happens in our attempts to be a 'couple'. I believe relationships (ANY relationship) should enhance our lives....it should give to what already exists and make our lives better in some way to have that person and that relationship as part of our life. I don't mean every time we have a problem with a person in our lives we should dump them. I simply mean relationships are meant to complement (complete) who we are and want to be. I cannot be good in a relationship and cannot either contribute to a relationship or benefit from a relationship unless I am first sure of who I am and what I want out of my own life. In short, if I am in a relationship that is making me sad, causing me hardship or otherwise taking away from who I am or want to be, it is not a relationship that I need or want in my life. If the relationship complements me, improves my life or brings me greater joy, pleasure or happiness, then I would embrace it and nurture it while accepting its benefits as well as its limitations and understanding that, in the end, it is myself and not my relationships that define me. Does this mean that you find a partnership type of relationship inherently flawed because you perceive that people's desire to constantly want to please each other reaches the point of irrational or is it because they grow so close that the need for each other becomes dysfunctional if its a necessity required to allow people to feel good or complete in their happiness? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 :laugh:I love these posts where the ow like to pretend that it is only betrayed spouses who have a problem with people who "date" married men. We all know that most of society frowns upon affairs thus the reason they are hidden. Thus the reason you need the forum. You know you can't tell your mommy and daddy and friends what you are involved in. It's so funny the ow like to pretend it is only the self righteous who frown upon it. That's not the case here. But then, I don't live in a trailer park. So thanks for enlightening us on what that kind of "society" is like, NF - I don't have the time or inclination to watch Jerry Springer so I'd not have known otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
PG Love Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Thank you for opening this door. I am a relatively new member, but everytime I start a post I know that the bashing is coming. I get a lot of "this is the bed you made, now lie in it". Yes you are right, but it doesn't hurt to try and find the most comfortable position to lie in LOL. You know I never said having an affair was the right thing, but I know that I will never go back to my H so sometimes I am looking not for validation of the affair, just support from those who have gone through this before. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Some of the worst bashing is not from BSs, but from former OWs who project their own self-loathing on current (and those they see as unreformed, former) OWs. It's pretty sad. It reminds me of that bit in the bible about a kid asking his father for bread and being given a stone. Link to post Share on other sites
CAMAYPARK Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I am one of those relatively newish member that post here too and like PG Love said, we are here not seeking validation but support. Its a pretty traumatic time for OW and confusing time too, should OW make way, the guilty feeling, the marriage wrecker feeling. At the end of the day, OW is merely looking for some moral support, hand holding and a shoulder to cry on. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 By the way, hi GEL....hope you are still doing well and as blissfully happy in your R as you were when I left for awhile. We are doing wonderful, thank you for asking! Just making our way through our new life. And I have to admit, we got pretty lucky. No major hurdles for us. A couple of blips along the way, not concerning our R, but nothing like you hear of so often IRL. And the little amount of time we've been living together has already fixed that. Love our home, our family and each other. Can anyone ask for anything more? GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I agree with Tony. More forums won't solve the problem. The 'bashing' isn't specific to one "class" of posters...BS's or OW/OM. There are members of both sides who intentionally post either direct insults, or deliberately veiled ones that are targetted at whatever "class" they don't belong in. Its not endemic to either "side"... There are OW/OM who are quite capable of posting well thought out posts that a BS on the Infidelity side could gain a lot from... There are BS's here (and I like to think I'm one of them) who are capable of posting equally useful posts that can help out OW/OM on this side. Sometimes the issue becomes a definition of "support"...what one specific poster truly views as "support" may not meet the same definition of another poster. The only answer to the "bashing" is to penalize the ones that aren't offering "support"...but only attacking/insulting or otherwise undermining any attempt at "support". Tony does his best, and lets face it...there's a LOT for him to have to work through around here. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Some of the worst bashing is not from BSs, but from former OWs who project their own self-loathing on current (and those they see as unreformed, former) OWs. It's pretty sad. It reminds me of that bit in the bible about a kid asking his father for bread and being given a stone.[/quote] Please elaborate! Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 "Betrayed Spouses: the other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves wanting to save their marriages, take back their cheating, lying spouses, find outlets for their anger and resentment at their farse of a marriage and bash and blame any other man/woman who every participated in the affair." I'm a little taken back with this as it seems to be coming from a place of anger. If your goal is to stop the bashing on this site, why would you come out with such venom? As I always say, sometimes you learn more about a situation when you are exposed to the other side. What you see here is real emotion from both BW and OW. Why do you want to suppress reality? Does it really help anyone to sugar coat how any one person feels? Just out of curiosity, what kind of support are you looking for? I know that I have been personally asked to tell my story to several OW's via PM so that they can get an idea of what happens from the other side of the fence. I hope that my opinions have help them understand the POV of the BW as theirs have help me understand the OW. I don't see a problem with raw emotion. We are all adults here aren't we? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 . Why do you want to suppress reality? Does it really help anyone to sugar coat how any one person feels? Because this crap does not go down on the Infidelity forum, people don't go over there to kick people when they are down and so many love to do that here to those deemed as "in the wrong", but who are human and also happen to be needing help. It's funny how the sugar coating has to be put away here (for people who "deserve to be kicked") but there should be plenty of sugar coating in other areas. I love the double standards!! That's why. And let's hope that those suggesting that Tony sanction those that undermine or attack other people's advice to a poster are ALSO willing to be considered for said punishement themselves. What's fair is fair right? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Because this crap does not go down on the Infidelity forum, people don't go over there to kick people when they are down and so many love to do that here to those deemed as "in the wrong", but who are human and wrong and all, but also happen to be needing help. Wrong! It does happen on the infidelity forum. I have been personally told a number of times, while trying to give support to BW's, that I'm in denial and my H will cheat again. I've been called a fool, told my story is Bulls**t even told that I'm not really happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Wrong! It does happen on the infidelity forum. I have been personally told a number of times, while trying to give support to BW's, that I'm in denial and my H will cheat again. I've been called a fool, told my story is Bulls**t even told that I'm not really happy. Ok it DOES happen, it happens all over the boards BUT let me rephrase that, not as frequently and not as passionately as it does here. That is what I meant. We can do a quick comparison right now if we like we can take a gander at all the threads going there and ones here and we can see. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Ok it DOES happen, it happens all over the boards BUT let me rephrase that, not as frequently and not as passionately as it does here. That is what I meant. We can do a quick comparison right now if we like we can take a gander at all the threads going there and ones here and we can see. Keep in mind TC that this thread was started by an OW and directly bashes all BW by calling our marriages a farce and all the other "nice" things she said. And then, as always, along comes another OW to claim that our anger is the reason our H's cheated and who would blame them? This is a thread intended to bash BW on the OW forum. If she really wanted "peace" she could have gone about it without her own bashing and insults. JMO Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 And let's hope that those suggesting that Tony sanction those that undermine or attack other people's advice to a poster are ALSO willing to be considered for said punishement themselves. What's fair is fair right? Well, since I'm the only one on the thread who's suggested that, I'm wondering just who exactly you may have aimed this at??? Hmmmm.....lemme see if I can guess.....wow....this is so tough. Absolutely. The rules are the rules, and should be implemented fairly and evenly across the board. I'm as equally responsible for my posts as anyone else is. Lemme see...how many times have I been suspended or banned in my four years here....let me check again....yep....thought so....none! I think in my four years here I've received a total of 2 or 3 violation notices through that whole time. Out of FOUR YEARS. Care to compare? Q.E.D. Now...THIS post may get me an infraction. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 Well, since I'm the only one on the thread who's suggested that, I'm wondering just who exactly you may have aimed this at??? Hmmmm.....lemme see if I can guess.....wow....this is so tough. Absolutely. The rules are the rules, and should be implemented fairly and evenly across the board. I'm as equally responsible for my posts as anyone else is. Lemme see...how many times have I been suspended or banned in my four years here....let me check again....yep....thought so....none! I think in my four years here I've received a total of 2 or 3 violation notices through that whole time. Out of FOUR YEARS. Care to compare? Q.E.D. Now...THIS post may get me an infraction. I don't think you insulted anyone in this post, so I can't see why you should get an infraction. I'd like to know what good comes from starting a thread like this in the first place. I don't think the OP has good intentions and it's a bit of the pot calling the kettle black. KWIM? Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 18, 2008 Share Posted July 18, 2008 I have a feeling by the time I get up tomorrow, this thread will be locked and deleted! Link to post Share on other sites
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