Need understanding DH's Mexican family

[Zolar]

Hi!

 

The love of my life is from Mexico. I'm a standard All-American midwesterner. We're having a problem, or at least, I'm having a problem with his family and what seem to me lack of boundaries. I am trying to understand, but he can't seem to explain it to me. Are there any Mexican-American people here who can see both sides and help me understand???

 

Problem: His family feels like his house is their house. I find their behavior outrageous. They come to visit about 5 times a year from Mexico and when they do it is hell for me. His mother is very demanding. I don't like to wear shoes around the house, but she insists that I do and badgers me when I forget. I'm in real estate and I do a lot of business from the house, phone calls, computer, etc. I have a little office set up here that I operate from. They don't get when I'm on a business call. If I don't lock the door, she'll come and sit next to me while I'm on the phone with someone. Or, they're on my phone when I want to use it. "No privacy" whatsoever is how I would characterize their visits. (They just left if May and will be back in August. I like them, but I am dreading their return.) I insist that we put an inside lock on our bedroom door because last visit, his mother just walked in while we were having sex one morning. That was pretty bizarre and uncomfortable, to say the least. And when they leave this house is a pig sty that I have to clean up. His father smells like a goat and I don't know what he did to that back bathroom, but I've been working on getting the smell out for weeks, to no avail.

 

Now, the real kicker. His deadbeat, alcoholic brother wants to move in with us! I said, "If he moves in here, I'm leaving." I'm scared of his brother. I tried to explain to him that it is not good for me to be here with a strange man in the house. I'm terrified. I can't do it. (It's taken me years to get over my terror of men, in general. I don't understand why he doesn't understand this. He doesn't know or wouldn't understand that I'm especially terrified of larger men.) He says, "But, he's my brother and I know him and trust him." I told him that you never know what men will do. I have a father, an uncle and an ex who are examples. I won't be put in a situation like that again.

 

Tonight, he says he understands and he just wants to leave this house and move somewhere else. But, he seems very sad and I think he is really angry with me. Somebody, please help me understand. I know this has to be a Mexican thing. I don't get it. I think it's perfectly disgusting that his brother would ask to move in here at all. Last time he did, he didn't pay any of the bills or do anything he said. The guy is a real jerk.

 

Please, help.

 

Thanks

 

Zolar

[quankanne]

Zo, I think it's less of a Mexican thing than plain old inconsiderate behavior by his family!

 

to a degree, Mexican families tend to get into each other's business, but I'm guessing no more so than any other family ... but the barging in on you while you're working (or mattress-dancing!) is crappy manners. Your guy wants you to feel as comfortable with his family as he is, because obviously you mean the world to him and he wants to share you with each other. However, his and your ideas of boundaries are worlds apart.

 

yes, family is incredibly important in the Mexican culture, and I think your honey expects you to feel the same. Under different circumstances he probably shouldn't think twice about asking to have a relative move in, but if your radar is going off, that's a whole other story – you have every right to feel secure in your home, and allowing his brother to move in would violate that security. I get the feeling that this particular issue is going to be the make-or-break moment of your relationship, because by rejecting his brother/family, you reject *him* ...

[Zolar]

Thanks for the response.

 

It's late. He's still at work. I'm a little distressed. He has decided that we need to move. He has been saying for weeks that he doesn't want to stay here. I thought he owned this house. He's been paying the mortgage for 4 years. His name is on the title along with his father's name. I don't understand why we have to leave, but he says he has no control over his brother coming here and his parents could be here again any day. He thinks they're coming again in the next 10 days.

 

He says he can't go through what he went through last time they were here. (I was really stressed between work, daily life, lack of sleep, and the outrageous intrusions on my privacy. I was either crying or on the verge of tears the whole time they were here.) But, I reminded him that when I had my own apartment it was equally stressful with his outrageously controlling mother insist that he be right there with them when he wasn't working. (He wasn't allowed to stay with me while they were visiting. His mother insisted that he had to be where she was. He stood up to her once and then I thought he was going to leave me one night. He was so upset and torn between me an his "family." I guess I'm not "family.") The next thing we tried was staying here when they were visiting. Either way, I'm in tears most of the time they are visiting. I can't cope with them at all and all of the controlling behavior, ie. things appearing at and disappearing from the house, the furniture rearranged, etc.) And I'm so in love with him. I'm trying really hard. But, she tries to control everything when she's here. He has accused me of "looking down on them." I wasn't aware that I did. This is totally in his head, especially since we visited them a few months ago in Mexico. (It is remarkably poor and filthy where they are from. I would not have believed it if I hadn't seen it.) At the same time I have to put up with things like, "You don't speak Spanish, do you?" from some of the rest of the tribe. This is an attempt at a put-down, it's obvious by the way it is said to me. Well, I can speak Spanish and two other languages very well, but not while I'm doing other things at the house and being barged in on and surprised in my robe in the kitchen while enduring lecherous stares from his father! I just want them to have some kind of basic human respect for me. That's all. Then maybe we can converse.

 

He says he just wants me to be happy. But, I'm worried. What will happen to this house? It all seems so unfair. I don't understand how they can treat him this way. It's all very bizarre to me. And then he doesn't understand why I don't like them. They're very bad people. That sicko brother of his is going to move in here and freeload while he continues paying the mortgage and rent somewhere else. I don't really want to move again. And the whole thing seems so wrong.

 

He is trying to make me happy. But, the apartment buildings here aren't very safe, either - not the ones in the price bracket he's looking at. I've been searching the multi-list and the paper for hours. It doesn't look promising. Why can't they just leave us alone? I don't get it.

[MrsHellnofires]

Hi!

 

The love of my life is from Mexico. I'm a standard All-American midwesterner. We're having a problem, or at least, I'm having a problem with his family and what seem to me lack of boundaries. I am trying to understand, but he can't seem to explain it to me. Are there any Mexican-American people here who can see both sides and help me understand???

 

Problem: His family feels like his house is their house. I find their behavior outrageous. They come to visit about 5 times a year from Mexico and when they do it is hell for me. His mother is very demanding. I don't like to wear shoes around the house, but she insists that I do and badgers me when I forget. I'm in real estate and I do a lot of business from the house, phone calls, computer, etc. I have a little office set up here that I operate from. They don't get when I'm on a business call. If I don't lock the door, she'll come and sit next to me while I'm on the phone with someone. Or, they're on my phone when I want to use it. "No privacy" whatsoever is how I would characterize their visits. (They just left if May and will be back in August. I like them, but I am dreading their return.) I insist that we put an inside lock on our bedroom door because last visit, his mother just walked in while we were having sex one morning. That was pretty bizarre and uncomfortable, to say the least. And when they leave this house is a pig sty that I have to clean up. His father smells like a goat and I don't know what he did to that back bathroom, but I've been working on getting the smell out for weeks, to no avail.

 

Now, the real kicker. His deadbeat, alcoholic brother wants to move in with us! I said, "If he moves in here, I'm leaving." I'm scared of his brother. I tried to explain to him that it is not good for me to be here with a strange man in the house. I'm terrified. I can't do it. (It's taken me years to get over my terror of men, in general. I don't understand why he doesn't understand this. He doesn't know or wouldn't understand that I'm especially terrified of larger men.) He says, "But, he's my brother and I know him and trust him." I told him that you never know what men will do. I have a father, an uncle and an ex who are examples. I won't be put in a situation like that again.

 

Tonight, he says he understands and he just wants to leave this house and move somewhere else. But, he seems very sad and I think he is really angry with me. Somebody, please help me understand. I know this has to be a Mexican thing. I don't get it. I think it's perfectly disgusting that his brother would ask to move in here at all. Last time he did, he didn't pay any of the bills or do anything he said. The guy is a real jerk.

 

Please, help.

 

Thanks

 

Zolar

 

i guess in mexico and some other cultures, its common to be so close to your family and relatives as you have a small house to share. in other words, its probably common not to have privacy. hygiene is probably not the best out there either- it is a third world country.

but it's rude to say that about his father. his father left a smell in the bathroom that you cannot get out, even weeks of cleaning? please! that sounds so ridiculous- it's probable that tainted smell existed before he came in to even visit and you just now noticed it because it seems you have something to pick with each of his family members.

though i do agree it is also not right of your husband to allow another man to live with you and be with you alone in the house. especially being an alcoholic.. it doesnt matter how well he knows him, people are different under the influence.

[Zolar]

Well, I finally got to the bottom of it all this evening. His father called and wants the deadbeat brother to move in here and "share" the mortgage. As I said, last time he lived here my love ended up paying for everything, including driving him around after he got a DWI. He already pays for the truck that this brother drives. He's going to be stuck paying at least half the mortgages and expenses on this place plus an apartment. What kind of family is this????? And he's upset that I don't *love* them. They are abusers of the worst kind. They don't abuse physically, but they abuse financially and use emotional blackmail.

 

So, we have to move out of the house and he wants to do it before his parents come back to visit in a few days.

 

I don't understand why he can't stand up to his parents. This is so wrong. I don't want to go to an apartment. The apartment complexes here are dangerous. There's no good place to do laundry, people watching you come and go, etc. It's not comfortable.

 

I feel sick. I don't want to move and on such short notice.

 

He says he is doing it because he loves me and he now doesn't want me anywhere near any of the family. (They *are* very disrespectful to me, at least some of them. I don't know if its intentional or just stupidity.)

 

One way or another if I can get on top of things with my business, I'm buying us a house. I hope some time in the next several months.

 

As to *my* being rude about mentioning his father's bathroom stinkiness on an anonymous forum - get real. The man must get drunk and urinate on the walls. That's the only thing I haven't cloroxed multiple times. None of them understand knocking before they enter the room and his dad has done the *fun* bedroom door opening trick in the middle of the night when he was supposedly drunk - that was two visits ago. Freaked me out completely. This brother that he wants to move in with us is a clone of his father and, therefore, the favorite brother.

 

The whole thing is bizarre. I asked him if he was trying to kill me with stress - this isn't the only thing that's going one with us right now, we both have immense stress at work right now.

 

The idea of a move to a creepy apartment complex doesn't make me happy. He says he's trying to make me happy.... and keep them happy. How does paying for everyone else a place to live while he evicts me and himself justifiable???

 

I hate them. Truly. I knew they were never going to leave us alone. I was right. I would like to move back to my own home 15 hours away. But, I'm stuck here until I can make enough money to do that.

[Jake Barnes]

What makes you think you can get rid of Mexicans so easily? Havent you seen California lately?

 

I kid, I kid

[whichwayisup]

Maybe it's time to re-think this relationship. You two have alot of X's against you - His family doesn't agree with the relationship and you don't like them. You're unhappy and stressed out.

[the2gman]

OK, I am a US citizen of Mexican descent. This is not a Mexican thing. It sounds to me like they are brown-trash (a la white-trash). Yes, most Mexicans put a LOT of credence in what their families say and think of them. But within reason. On the occations where I feel my family has crossed the line, I make sure they understand.

 

Mexican moms are somewhat revered in our culture. You just have to accept that. But you should not be disrespected, especially in your own home.

 

I think you are WAY better off in an apartment than living with his creepy skeezy brother. Hang in there...what a great incentive to save money and move away! Good luck!

[Zolar]

which is often. He's right. I guess we have to move out and I can just stay away from them. He never wanted me to meet them in the first place. I think he knows they are a problem. He tried to tell me before I met them, I just didn't think they could be as bad as they are.

 

He and I get along great... it's the best thing I've ever had and I have stress from other sources right now. I couldn't cope right now without him.

 

I could leave, but I'd be even more miserable.

 

I guess I'm going to an apartment in the ghetto.

 

I just have to ignore it and keep working.

[Zolar]

I think maybe it's just this particular family...

 

I have asked some other Mexican people here, in the past, if this kind of behavior from the parents was normal. I was told that the family in each other's faces was fairly normal, but the invasive behavior from the parents - drunk and running around the house opening up doors, not knocking on the bedroom door in the a.m. (I'm sure she had to know what was going on.), rearranging the house, leaving trash everywhere, etc. is not normal. So... maybe this bunch is just kind of weird.

 

I went to college with kids from very good Mexican families and they seemed perfectly normal. Also, I've had many American friends of Mexican descent who were perfectly normal and usually their families were a lot of fun to be around.

 

I think these are just, like you said, kind of "trashy."

 

It's possible. Thank goodness he reared himself as a child. He is something to see in the midst of the rest of them. There is an occasional familial resemblance, but beyond that he doesn't look like he belongs with them. He looks as out of place as I do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK, I am a US citizen of Mexican descent. This is not a Mexican thing. It sounds to me like they are brown-trash (a la white-trash). Yes, most Mexicans put a LOT of credence in what their families say and think of them. But within reason. On the occations where I feel my family has crossed the line, I make sure they understand.

 

Mexican moms are somewhat revered in our culture. You just have to accept that. But you should not be disrespected, especially in your own home.

 

I think you are WAY better off in an apartment than living with his creepy skeezy brother. Hang in there...what a great incentive to save money and move away! Good luck!

[quankanne]

So, we have to move out of the house and he wants to do it before his parents come back to visit in a few days.

 

I don't understand why he can't stand up to his parents. This is so wrong. I don't want to go to an apartment. The apartment complexes here are dangerous. There's no good place to do laundry, people watching you come and go, etc. It's not comfortable.

 

I feel sick. I don't want to move and on such short notice.

 

He says he is doing it because he loves me and he now doesn't want me anywhere near any of the family.

 

I'm not trying to be mean or rude or ugly here, but you need to quit the pity-party and try to see things as they are: You've got a guy you care a lot for, who has a creepy-a*s family that he's doing his best to keep you apart from. And the only way he can think of is to temporarily move you to an apartment complex you find dangerous.

 

your options are to zip your lip and put up with his family, because it means you have access to a house, or you bite the bullet and get a place of your own with your SO, even if it means staying someplace you don't want to be, just long enough to get someplace better.

 

I think your man loves you to a point where he's choosing what the two of YOU have over his family. And for a Hispanic, that's saying a lot, because Hispanic families are close-knit.

 

you want the best of both world without understanding what kind of crap it's going to bring on you; he's looking for a solution where he can get out from under their influence AND keep you safely away from them. If you fail to see this, maybe you're just wasting the poor guy's time because nothing he can do will keep you happy at this point.

[Zolar]

I came to this conclusion last night, just as you say. There is nothing to say or do, but go along with it. Maybe this is his way out. I don't know. So, I'm just going to do whatever he wants. I don't understand maintaining loyalty to people this horrible. I never could have imagined that they were so awful. And, he's right, the best thing is for me to stay away from them. They tell him that they think I'm "nice" is why they are doing this. I don't know what "nice" means - that I'm open to ****ing his entire family on a drunken Saturday night, or what. But, I don't think they really like me. They certainly don't treat either of us well.

 

He told me the reason he thinks I should stay away from them is because I'm only going to become further offended. So, maybe he knows something I don't know - like they really, really. hate me. They must. This is probably their way of trying to get rid of me. I'm white, educated and used to making money and living reasonably well - I'm sure I'm a threat to their entire way of life and to the family member who supports them most. He seems to pay for everything.

 

So, I'll be moving to the ghetto in one of the most corrupt high-crime cities in the country in the next few days.

[quankanne]

keep up the negative attitude, kiddo, and he's going to pick up on the fact that nothing he does will please you, and he'll start wondering why he chose you over his family.

 

so you move someplace you're not particularly crazy about, but look at it this way: You no longer have to deal with his strange family, and he thinks enough of what you two have together to do the right thing by y'alls relationship. Mind you, his family will always be in the picture because that's how it goes with relatives, but he's taking an unusual stand against what they want and you really need to consider that seriously.