How do I get over this?

[carhill]

What is the penalty for leaving your job now?

[anne1707]

Immediate impact? Not being able to afford the mortgage, bills, etc and possibly losing the house.

 

Long term? I work in a specialised field whereby reputation is very important and job opportunities are based on that. Lose my job, lose my reputation and good bye career (which to date has been very successful so it would as good as set me back 10 years). Plus in my current post I am contractually obliged to give six months notice.

[taylor]

The OM has done my head in this afternoon. Friendly, keeping me talking for over an hour in his office (needing help with a job application), chatting about non-work stuff, heavy eye contact, definitely flirting with me.

 

Please tell me off, put me straight, tell me how he is using me and what a cow I am being.

 

Anne,

 

You need to go NC ASAP or this OM will devour you.

 

You are letting him use you. You are letting him hurt you. You are letting him destroy your marriage piece by piece.

 

You didn't need to stay in his office for over an hour to help him with a job application.

 

You didn't need to chat with him about non-work related stuff.

 

He couldn't make eye contact unless you looked back. He couldn't flirt unless you flirted back.

 

He has you wrapped around his little finger. He's dangling you like a little puppet on a string. I'm sure he's feeling pretty good about himself right now. But what about you? Feelin' good?

 

You will never get over this OM and you will never start to put your marriage back together until you can walk away from him and never look back. Ever.

 

It's obvious you are not ready to let go yet. You are still hanging on to hope. You are still hanging on to the fantasy of "what could have been." You are slowly starting to realize, though, that real life with this man may not be as magical as you thought it might be.

 

Until you can let go of the fantasy and the hope, you will hurt and your marriage will suffer.

 

NC is like taking bitter-tasting medicine. It tastes awful but it will cure you.

 

I know. I have been NC with my OM for 3.5 months. I am healing slowly and finding my way back to my marriage and husband. It's hard, but would have been impossible without NC.

 

Cut your OM out of your life, like a fast-growing cancer. Only then will you be able to start the healing process.

[anne1707]

Taylor

 

Thank you. I feel as if you understand where I am at the moment.

 

But NC is just not possible. At work, there is no way that he and I cannot have contact on a daily basis. There is also a double edged sword in that as I show that I am not so upset around him, he is nicer to me.....so I remain caught in his trap.

[carhill]

Immediate impact? Not being able to afford the mortgage, bills, etc and possibly losing the house.

 

Long term? I work in a specialised field whereby reputation is very important and job opportunities are based on that. Lose my job, lose my reputation and good bye career (which to date has been very successful so it would as good as set me back 10 years). Plus in my current post I am contractually obliged to give six months notice.

Does the OM have a say in regards to your reputation in your profession? Can he materially affect your career negatively without basis for a cross-complaint?

 

How does your husband feel about the difficult spot you're in? What is his opinion of all this (the job situation) as well as possible solutions, including the prospective sacrifices/changes involved? What is his role here?

 

Is your marriage worth sacrificing your career for? Why?

[theobserver]

There must be an alternate company that would love to grab you if you're worth it. I doubt the OM would want to screw her up couldn't she do exactly the same to him it wouldn't be worth it. Unless he's really bitter and doesn't care about losing his job. Look around for a place that can take you on willing to wait those 6 months sounds tricky but doable probably ... or maybe not. Who knows situation sucks.

 

I just worry because the way the OM is acting he is just waiting for you to slip up and really you are by not asking him to keep it professional and allowing him to string you in the guise of kindness and smiles and friendly talks and asking for assisstance with underline motives.

[whichwayisup]

Ask for a transfer and stress to your boss that it is CRUCIAL to your marriage that you find another job. IF you don't leave your job, the trust can't be rebuilt and your husband will continue to doubt you, knowing that you see/talk to OM daily.

 

You keep conversation PROFESSIONAL with the OM. Anything outside of that, you ignore and walk away.

 

There is also a double edged sword in that as I show that I am not so upset around him, he is nicer to me.....so I remain caught in his trap.

You're allowing yourself to be trapped by talking him to allowing him to manipulate you.

 

The OM has done my head in this afternoon. Friendly, keeping me talking for over an hour in his office (needing help with a job application), chatting about non-work stuff, heavy eye contact, definitely flirting with me.

Question, why didn't you leave. Also, why is he asking you for help with a job application? That has nothing to do with your job. Let alone him flirting with you and chatting about non-work stuff. At times like these, you need to think of your husband and make EVERY effort to avoid OM at work. If you don't, you're only feeding your own feelings and allowing OM to control you.

[anne1707]

Because of the way everybody in my sector knows everybody else, then it does not really matter what he says. Word would just spread and no one would go near me.

 

My husband works in the same sector (just to add to the complications) so knows what I am up against and that I can't just leave. He also agrees that financially we cannot afford for me not to work and we cannot risk losing our home.

[whichwayisup]

Then both you and your husband ask for transfers and move away. Or atleast talk about this with him.

 

Never know, he may gladly want to leave and move away so the OM won't be a temptation for you while working with him.

[anne1707]

Same sector but not same company so there is nowhere I can ask to be transferred to. It seems like that all I can do is wait for a job to come up that I can go for (and yes I am seeing a recruitment agency on Monday).

 

However that goves OM plenty of time to mess me around and I let him. He is drawing me in again and I hate it (and love it at the same time). Thats the problem with love - no logic or sense.

[whichwayisup]

OK, you need to decide right now. Your marriage or the OM. Fact that you purposely are allowing him in, because you like how he makes you feel, is now just bad to do for so many reasons, especially now that you're trying to fix your marriage. If you truly want to get over him and focus that energy into your husband, then you have to cut OM out of your heart, your mind and thoughts. Just do it.

 

As long as you allow him to toy with you like this, no healing can ever happen.

[anne1707]

As long as you allow him to toy with you like this, no healing can ever happen.

 

 

I totally agree with you and that's what scares me. I am sure he knows what he is doing but he will not give me more and I cannot afford to give him more (not just for the sake of my marriage but also my own peace of mind). Hopefully things might calm down over this weekend.

[anne1707]

I also know that part of me hopes that he is not playing me and actually does love me and want to be with me.

 

Yet I am not sure that I would then choose to be with him

[whichwayisup]

I also know that part of me hopes that he is not playing me and actually does love me and want to be with me.

 

It shouldn't matter anymore because the A is over.

 

You need to do NC in your mind about the OM too. Stop entertaining thoughts like these and focus on letting him go.

[anne1707]

It shouldn't matter anymore because the A is over.

 

 

I thought it was. Now I don't know. At least for me. What is he doing and why?

[troubadour]

I have never had any doubt that your affair was not over for you... just read your own posts and everything will be clear.

[anne1707]

But I wish it was over. Life would be so much easier and I could then do the right things which I know in the end would make me happy. My marriage would ultimately make me happy but I am "hooked" on the OM.

[whichwayisup]

You are still hooked on the OM because you don't want to let go. You need to WANT to let go of him and focus on your husband completely. Until that happens, trying to make your marriage work is pointless.

 

The A is over, unless you slip backwards. If the A isn't over, YOU make it over and start doing the right things that will make you happy again.

 

You keep asking what he is doing and why? Well, he is baiting you, seeing if you'll cave and start the A up again. He has NO problem having you as the OW, nothing more, nothing less - THAT is not good for you, your marriage or work.

 

The more you think about this, the more power and control you're giving him. If you just stop and say to yourself, "The A is over, I don't WANT the OM, I need to fix myself, my marriage, I don't care about OM -What he does, thinks or says - I only care about my H" then maybe this can work better for you. BUT, until you're in that mindset, this is how things are going to go. You have to want to change for this to work. To be honest, I'm not sure if you want to or not..

[taylor]

I thought it was. Now I don't know. At least for me. What is he doing and why?

 

 

Anne,

 

He's playing a power game with you. He wants to make sure he has you on the hook, not the other way around.

 

How many other women do you think he has dangling?

 

This OM knows how to keep you emotionally attached to him and you are playing right into it. If you continue, you will destroy your marriage, lose your self-respect and self-esteem, and lose your husband. The OM? He will eventually get his fill of ego-boosting from you, reject you, and turn to someone new to get his fix.

 

If he truly wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be playing these games. He would tell you he loves you, wants to be with you, wants you to leave your husband for him, wants a future with you...AND MEAN IT.

 

I agree with WWIU, your OM would be perfectly happy to keep you as one of his OWs. Would that make you happy?

 

You have agonized so much in your posts about your OM doing an about face with his feelings and desires....telling you he wants you to leave your husband...wants children....then tells you to forget it.

 

If he meant what he said, he would not have told you to forget it when you offered to be with him. He would have jumped for joy.

 

I think he said all those things to keep you emotionally attached. Perhaps he pulled out the big guns (offering marriage and family) because he thought you were slipping away from him. In order to keep you interested as an OW, he had to keep the fantasy alive...make it irresistable...You are feeding off of it. In other words, as long as he could dangle Disneyland in front of you, he could keep you captivated. He's manipulating you, Anne.

[carhill]

I'm hearing a lot about work and OM. I've walked this path. Your life as you know it is going to blow up in your face if you don't immediately start focusing on what's best for you, your husband and your M. Ultimately, that might mean a D, but, as things are, I see a really ugly ending all around. I know you think you can handle it, H, and OM, but that is an illusion. Trust me

 

Try this: If a work discussion strays off the work topic, just leave. No commentary, just "I've got to go". Don't worry what he says or thinks or what he might tell others. Just do it.

[anne1707]

Anne,

 

If he truly wanted to be with you, he wouldn't be playing these games. He would tell you he loves you, wants to be with you, wants you to leave your husband for him, wants a future with you...AND MEAN IT.

 

 

 

I know that this is the case but I know that wish it was not so in that I wish he had meant all the things he had said and promised. Partly because I loved him (and still do in some ways) and also partly because it would validate why I risked my marriage for him - that there was something genuine there.

 

I know I am being weak in that I am giving him the benefit of the doubt even though he will tell me that he is not interested and that it is over yet will then flirt with me and treat me as more than just a colleague. It is still playing with me and reflects on the problems he has in relationships. I would not be surprised if on Monday, he acted distant again.

 

This manipulation is interfering with the recovery from the affair for both my husband and I. I know I must be stronger. Hopefully the NC over the weekend will help clear my head a bit so I can be more in control of the situation at work next week.

[taylor]

I know that this is the case but I know that wish it was not so in that I wish he had meant all the things he had said and promised. Partly because I loved him (and still do in some ways) and also partly because it would validate why I risked my marriage for him - that there was something genuine there.

 

I know I am being weak in that I am giving him the benefit of the doubt even though he will tell me that he is not interested and that it is over yet will then flirt with me and treat me as more than just a colleague. It is still playing with me and reflects on the problems he has in relationships. I would not be surprised if on Monday, he acted distant again.

 

This manipulation is interfering with the recovery from the affair for both my husband and I. I know I must be stronger. Hopefully the NC over the weekend will help clear my head a bit so I can be more in control of the situation at work next week.

 

This affair is not over. It will not end until you are able to stop all contact with him. Even then, the affair will continue in your mind for months.

 

You are not in recovery because you and the OM are continuing to perpetuate the affair. Recovery will not begin until you break all contact.

 

Once you break all contact and start recovery, you will face two challenges: Putting the affair into perspective and Reconnecting with you husband. Doing these two things simultaneously is difficult. You will grieve the loss of the OM at the same time you are trying to rekindle your relationship with your husband. It's psychological hell but the price we pay for having an affair.

 

You opened your heart to another man. So did I. It will take time and considerable effort to get him out of there.

 

You trusted him, believed him, gave him the benefit of the doubt. You thought his words were genuine, his promises sincere. So did I. But people break promises every day.

 

You want to know in your heart that what you had with the OM WAS something that was real, meant something, was genuine. You want to know that you weren't about to throw your whole life away for nothing. So did I.

 

Anne, you will wrestle with these demons for a long time as you try to gain some perspective on what the affair was and wasn't. The picture will get clearer the farther removed you get from it. It's like being able to see a forest. You can't see the whole thing if you are standing in the middle of it.

 

But you will never see the affair for what it was, or IS, until you get out of it.

 

Tell him you want no contact with him at work and for him to respect your wishes. Tell him you are working on your marriage and, therefore, can no longer have any kind of relationship with him at all. Mean what you say. And say it like you mean it.

 

Then avoid him as much as possible. And if you have to speak to him about business, do so as if your husband were standing between the two of you.

 

If he attempts to have any interaction other than business, say, "You are not respecting my wishes." Then walk away. Reject, Reject, Reject.

 

Do not make eye contact. Do not flirt. Do not talk about personal matters. He will interpret this as mixed signals and conclude that you don't mean what you say.

 

Keep looking for another job. The faster you can disconnect from this OM, the sooner you will begin to heal.

 

Hugs. I know you are hurting.

[rose315]

I haven't had a chance to read the other responses so if I missed an update then i'm sorry. If you really did want to make things work with your H, then why are you so obsessed over the OM not wanting to talk to you? It sounds to me like you have a lot more feelings for the OM than you do for your H at this point.

 

Sorry, but I question your statement about you wanting your marriage to work. If you really wanted to make your marriage work, then you would stop worrying about this OM and what his feelings are for you. It sounds to me like you are still very much involved in an A with OM and that isn't fair to your H. You need to stop jerking him around and be honest with him. I hope you aren't keeping him on the side just in case the OM does leave you in the dust for someone else. Your H deserves someone who is 100% committed to him. If you are still in love with this OM which it sounds like you are then you need to tell your H. Sorry if I sound harsh, but i'm on the other side of the fence so i'm looking at it from your H's point of view.

[anne1707]

I do want to make my marriage work. It just feels as if it is three steps forwards and then two steps back at the moment but then I guess that is really to be expected.

 

My husband does accept (for now) that I still have feelings for the OM and he does also feel that I am coming back to him. He knows that the OM is playing with me and confusing me and has said that he can cope with that for now but if it continues then the marriage will be over - perfectly understandable.

 

It's frustrating because I feel as if I am making progress because I am not letting the OM (visibly) upset me but now that is the case, he is being friendlier and I know this is a major problem because he and I did just "click" when we started working together and enjoyed each other's company as friends for months before the affair started. I know I am making myself vulnerable to him and I must try to be harder on myself in not letting him charm me yet again before he then hurts me once more. I need to focus on my husband and making our relationship work.

[whichwayisup]

I can't remember, but has your H talked to the OM? Asked him to leave you alone? This might be something for your H to do - TELL the OM to not talk to you unless it's work related.

 

Also, ask your boss if you could take some vacation time. Time away will help.