How do I get over this?

[bish]

Please tell me off, put me straight, tell me how he is using me and what a cow I am being.

 

No. Even though you asked for it, I'd get an infraction for telling the truth. I've done it before when someone asked a question like that, so I obliged and WHAMMO!!!

 

Don't ask the questions if yall don't want the answers.

[anne1707]

Well even I am getting fed up of the OM and his behaviour. He came into my office on Monday whilst I was on the phone and started muttering about some stain on his clothes from a cake he had eaten earlier. So he starts to wipe the stain away – from the crotch of his trousers – just so all attention can be focussed there. And I am thinking would he do this in front of any other woman? Would he even do this in front of male colleagues? I don’t think so.

 

Plus yesterday a parcel arrived for me and when he brought it to, he was teasing and going on about what’s this and holding it out to me then pulling it away. For reasons I won’t go in to I am pretty sure he knew what was in it (sexy underwear). And then the job application! He’s still trying to complete it and still talking to me about it! Plus this job looks ideal for him (in terms of promotion, location, salary, getting away from me, good chances of him getting it, etc) but he is now talking of how he has heard bad things about the company, may be he doesn’t want to work there, he may not even get an interview, etc. He is talking himself out of getting the job.

 

So I finally found the strength to say that he has to stop the way he is behaving with me and that it is wrong. I was literally just about to say this yesterday when a colleague walked in. So now I have to build myself up to that discussion again.

 

As for my husband and I, we have been having some very tough but important discussions. He has made it clear that he will not tolerate the OM interfering in our marriage with the behaviour he is showing at work and that I must not let the OM “win” at his game playing. He also assures me that he still loves me and even he thinks I deserve better than the OM and that I should count myself lucky that in the end the OM turned me down. I do think I am lucky. I am lucky to be with my husband.

 

He asked me yesterday what our marriage would be like if the OM did not exist and I had to agree that it would be happy and good. I love my husband, love being with him and want to stay with him. I just have to make this work because it would be so wrong for him and me not to be together.

[anne1707]

At last! I've done it. I have told OM that enough is enough and to stop his behaviour and leave me alone. He even had the nerve to say he had not been flirting!!

 

I want my life back and feel really good about this.

[LifesontheUp]

Your OM won't listen to you unless YOU back up what you tell him with your actions. DO NOT talk to him or get embroiled in any conversations unless it is necessary for work. Your OM is enjoying making you squirm. You are also giving him mixed signals....so like a lot of people have been telling you CUT THE CONTACT and stick to it!

 

I also think you are being very naive in thinking your marriage would be happy and good without the OM. You have a very long road ahead of you. Don't fall under the belief that by getting rid of the OM somehow your marriage will become miraculously saved. You have issues, both you and your husband who has also had an affair. If you don't get to the bottom of them and fix them, then its only a matter of time before someone else comes along and you or your husband will get tempted again.

[anne1707]

Your OM won't listen to you unless YOU back up what you tell him with your actions. DO NOT talk to him or get embroiled in any conversations unless it is necessary for work. Your OM is enjoying making you squirm. You are also giving him mixed signals....so like a lot of people have been telling you CUT THE CONTACT and stick to it!

 

I also think you are being very naive in thinking your marriage would be happy and good without the OM. You have a very long road ahead of you. Don't fall under the belief that by getting rid of the OM somehow your marriage will become miraculously saved. You have issues, both you and your husband who has also had an affair. If you don't get to the bottom of them and fix them, then its only a matter of time before someone else comes along and you or your husband will get tempted again.

 

 

I know there have been mixed signals but I am determined. Just work and thats all. I looked at him this morning and just thought I had wasted enough time on somebody who was not particularly nice.

 

With regard to my marriage being good. I know what you mean. There is a hell of a lot of work to be done to get us back on track. What I mean about it being good is that we do really get on well and understand each other, we have the same plans for the future and support each other. There is so much about the marriage that is right and will give us the strength to stick with it whilst we go through difficult times over the coming months

[troubadour]

Anne1707... if this incident with him wiping the stain away from his crotch has really happend it means that you are a victim of sexual harrasment and you should raport it to HR immediately. Of course you are not going to do it... but do you still think that you and your OM were such "best of friends and besy of lovers"?

 

But I am glead that you doing better.

[anne1707]

do you still think that you and your OM were such "best of friends and besy of lovers"?

 

 

 

The way I see it now is that what I felt was genuine but it was not the case for him. If he had cared for me as much as he said he did, he would not have done the things he has over the last few weeks.

 

Any way I have had a good day, my husband is in a really good mood and the OM is having a good old sulk. He has been in a foul mood all day. Bless.

[imagine]

Embarrassing as it may be... is there absolutely no chance that your husband can contact your place of business and explain the circumstances. Surely these are grounds for sexual harassment. If nothing can be done directly at least this will begin a logging of these incidents.

 

Carry a pocket recorder which you will switch on before you have to interact with OM.

 

Years back, I had a situation at work where practical jokers were inconveniencing me by hiding my attache case near knock-off time. I notified my superior that I would report its theft to the local law enforcement. My case reappeared after the staff were convened and updated of my intent. I don't take ****. You should not either.

[anne1707]

Embarrassing as it may be... is there absolutely no chance that your husband can contact your place of business and explain the circumstances. Surely these are grounds for sexual harassment. If nothing can be done directly at least this will begin a logging of these incidents.

.

 

If it continues then I will do something about it. The man is just a barefaced liar though. He said he has not flirted with me and that he could not get rid of me the other day when I was in his office. I know that this is a complete lie. I am pretty good on reading body language and he was enjoying me being there with him.

 

And he still denies that he sent me that text or any other text after we split. His problem is that if he admits to any of this stuff then he has to admit that he has behaved like a complete ******* which he could not cope with. He wants to be the victim in all this.

 

Still it is fun seeing him sulk and squirm when I am around now. And all I am talking about is work. Plus feeling so much more in control of my life.

[tweldy]

You never see the OM again and do the personal work necessary to understand why you were vulnerable to his behavior and shore up your weaknesses. This means you cannot work in the same place, if I were you and I cared about my marriage I would resign immediately and without a notice period with an explanation to HR as to why you must do so. Not doing so means your job/career is more important than your marriage which, if true, has its own implications.

 

Its clear this OM enjoys tormenting you and can play you anyway he wants you. I'm sure he could easily get you interested in him again and back in an affair - as much as you might read this and want to say 'no', and start telling me why, please spare me. This is a very typical abuser/abusee relationship and you are not in control of yourself no matter what you may think. You might as well be an alcoholic telling us you've decided to quit drinking today and expect us to believe you won't pick up a bottle tomorrow without going in AA or a similar program.

 

Not to be cruel, but I don't think that appealing to your concern about your marriage will do any good, obviously it hasn't worked in the past, but I am hoping that seeing how you've allowed yourself to be degraded, insulted, abused, mistreated, played, and humiliated by this OM will spark some selfish survial instict and spur you into a course of action to make a better life for yourself.

[whichwayisup]

Well even I am getting fed up of the OM and his behaviour. He came into my office on Monday whilst I was on the phone and started muttering about some stain on his clothes from a cake he had eaten earlier. So he starts to wipe the stain away – from the crotch of his trousers – just so all attention can be focussed there. And I am thinking would he do this in front of any other woman? Would he even do this in front of male colleagues? I don’t think so.

 

 

OFCOURSE he wouldn't dare do that infront of anyone else in the office. He knows exactly what he is doing. Let me say this - IF he truly cared and respected you as a woman, friend or not, he would NOT do that infront of you! It's a game to him and he is being a f**ken PIG! Get pissed off and grossed out - Tell him to get OUT of your office and leave you alone.

 

Stop engaging in ANY conversation with him. NO small talk, nothing. He walks INTO your office, you walk OUT of your office. Loudly say, "I'm asking you to please leave me alone, stop bothering me." So someone will overhear.

 

I'm really mad for you because this guy is being a PIG!

 

If he continues his behaviour, go to your HR department and tell them what's been going on, and how he is now harrassing you. Enough is enough already.

[whichwayisup]

Also, maybe his wife might be interested in knowing that he is feeling himself up, cake or not, infront of you at WORK. Who does that?

 

You and your H need to re-think the idea of telling his spouse.

[cherrymoon]

ERRRR why did you have sexy underwear delivered to your place of work?

 

You are no way near convincing me that you want your marriage and I should know, I am trying to save mine.

 

Leave your job. Nothing is worth more than your marriage when you really want it.

 

You keep making excuses for not leaving. Contract or not you are a free person and anybody can leave and break a contract. Get a monotoreum (not sure of the spelling) on your morgage like I did and take another job so what if it isn't the same career.

Nothing you say makes any difference you need to see him, you need him to want you. Don't kid those of us who are truely ashamed of what we have done.

 

You have all the power to stop this so please either do it or ask your Husband for a divorce

[troubadour]

Whichwayisup... her OM is also an ex cuckold husband. But I am sure his ex-wife would love to hear this story simply for entertainment propose.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry, I think I got it mixed up with someone else's situation where they were debating telling the OM's wife.

[bish]

Taylor

 

Thank you. I feel as if you understand where I am at the moment.

 

But NC is just not possible.

 

Thats why you need to keep looking for another job.

 

 

At work, there is no way that he and I cannot have contact on a daily basis. There is also a double edged sword in that as I show that I am not so upset around him, he is nicer to me.....so I remain caught in his trap.

 

You are only caught in "his trap" because you allow yourself to be. I though you said this affair and feelings for him were over. Apparantly not, which makes staying at that job even more unacceptable to your husband.

 

Keep your job until you find another job. And if you don't find one, you keep looking....and looking....and looking.

 

If you are unwilling to do that, then just get a divorce because obviously your husband isn't getting any respect.

[anne1707]

Keep your job until you find another job. And if you don't find one, you keep looking....and looking....and looking.

 

Oh don't worry. I am looking - got one application in already. I will not let OM get in the way of my life and my marriage any more. I have wasted way too much of my time and feelings on him.

 

I want to concentrate on my husband and making us work.

[anne1707]

Well OM is still trying to play his little games but I am trying not to give him the opportunity. I foolishly asked him to get me a sandwich when at work other day as I could not get out the office. So he brought me a sandwich and a cake too (I could not refuse as I had an important visitor with me when he brought it to me). Now I know a cake is only a little thing but only a couple of days earlier he had said he had not been flirting with me. So if he believed that then wouldn't he be reluctant to give me the wrong impression by buying me the cake. Its all part of his conflicting actions vs words to try and keep me hooked. He has also tried to maintain longer than appropriate eye contact which I have avoided.

 

 

As for things at home, they are much better because in spite of OM still trying to play me, I have got a much clearer attitude towards him and my H knows this (I am also telling my H of any dealings I have with OM so he knows what is going on). We are going on holiday soon which will give us time to relax and enjoy being with each other and when we get back we plan to start both IC and MC.

[cherrymoon]

I hate sounding like a cow, especially as I have done so much wrong in my own marriage, however maybe that then qualifies me to say what I do.

 

You are still in the affair frame of mind. This person is your soft place to land. I see that you need the attention and by writing here you relieve yourself of all the things you wish you could chat with your girlfriends about.

You change your wording to suit the circumstances.

You are a disgrace, you tell us that YOU asked him to get you a sandwich.

Go hungry. He bought you a cake ah how bloody sweet, in your head you were touched, for us you suggest that it made you cross. Did you eat it? I would have thrown it at him, or said out load infront of whoever "I didn't ask for the cake , I won't eat it take it back." If he didn't I would bin it infront of him.

 

You really are trying to make a fool out of those of us who are trying to advise and help you.

You are rubbing your husbands face in it and to be perfectly honest I am infuriated by your behaviour. By rights i should just not respond.

 

Be an idiot and start shagging the guy again and let us move our attention to those that want and need help.

You are egotistical to a point, you are vain and selfish. You are destroying your husband and playing us for fools.

 

No contact does not mean you can ask him to get you a sandwich. Grow up for **** sake. Some of us here actually do want to save our marriages and rebuild our relationships.

 

Prove me wrong and I will eat humble pie forever.

Sorry but you are beyond help you just love the thrill and are too coward to sacrifice your ego boost for your marriage.

 

Sorry for getting cross but I do mean it

[troubadour]

Cherrymoon.... you are such a bigot. Do you think that there is any chance that your excessive criticism of anne1707 is your way of dealing with your own issues... after all you know the feeling of droping your panties for other man behind your husband back, don't you...? People make mistakes and there is no doubt that you are one of them. Where was your "sense od wright and wrong" when you were playing "hide the susage" with your OM? Or perhaps it is that you consider yourself to be a fully "rehabilitated" and it now entitles you to pass judgements about others....?

 

Do you think that you may be starving for attention yourself... after all you have opened quite e few threads on this forum???

 

Like they say... cheaters are the greatest bigots!

[LifesontheUp]

Well OM is still trying to play his little games but I am trying not to give him the opportunity. I foolishly asked him to get me a sandwich when at work other day as I could not get out the office. So he brought me a sandwich and a cake too (I could not refuse as I had an important visitor with me when he brought it to me). Now I know a cake is only a little thing but only a couple of days earlier he had said he had not been flirting with me. So if he believed that then wouldn't he be reluctant to give me the wrong impression by buying me the cake. Its all part of his conflicting actions vs words to try and keep me hooked. He has also tried to maintain longer than appropriate eye contact which I have avoided.

 

 

As for things at home, they are much better because in spite of OM still trying to play me, I have got a much clearer attitude towards him and my H knows this (I am also telling my H of any dealings I have with OM so he knows what is going on). We are going on holiday soon which will give us time to relax and enjoy being with each other and when we get back we plan to start both IC and MC.

 

Be honest, its not only OM playing games YOU are too.

 

Come on you expect us to believe you foolishly asked him to get you a sandwich. No way, you knew exactly what you were doing and you are enjoying playing the OM. Having him run errands makes YOU feel good.

 

Its all about you Anne, when are you going to stop being so selfish?

 

I feel very very sorry for your husband. You are an attention seeking cake eater.

[Owl]

I'm not interested in bashing...

 

I would say it was very foolish to ask him to do ANYTHING for you. Point blank...you need to go NC with him. Anything less is USELESS.

 

As you're finding out, with the continuance of the drama games.

 

You need to be seeking reasons to AVOID contact...not asking him to do things for you.

 

Make sense?

[anne1707]

I'm not interested in bashing...

 

I would say it was very foolish to ask him to do ANYTHING for you. Point blank...you need to go NC with him. Anything less is USELESS.

 

As you're finding out, with the continuance of the drama games.

 

You need to be seeking reasons to AVOID contact...not asking him to do things for you.

 

Make sense?

 

 

Even before he turned up with the cake, I knew I had made a mistake asking him to get me the sandwich. I should not have done it and what he did proved exactly why I should not have done it too.

 

But I am trying my best with NC. I do have to manage this carefully though as I do not see why colleagues should suffer from a bad atmosphere between the OM and I.

[Owl]

There's no reason that they SHOULD...but the odds are high that they WILL.

 

Continuing to work there is going to continue the situation.

 

I don't recall your whole situation, and am honestly too lazy to search through your thread...does your H know of the affair?

 

What is your plan for solving this entire situation? How do you plan on ending the affair? What are you doing to rebuild your marriage?

 

Trying to do any of this without a solid plan is simply setting things up to fail.

[anne1707]

Owl

 

In response to your questions:

 

My husband does know. I am being very honest with him and do tell him what is happening at work.

 

I have told the OM to stop game playing (obviously not 100% successful in that yet) and the situation at work has improved plus made a difference at home. I am also looking for another job as I cannot continue working with OM.

 

My H and I are going on holiday soon and will use that to helo start rebuilding. When we get back, we plan to start both MC and IC. We do have a plan for tackling our problems and know we have a long way to go.