How do I get over this?

[anne1707]

Remind yourself how special it is for you to have that capacity (to love others in a healthy way) and that you have a portal for it right at home with that guy you call your H

 

 

Healthy way? Not so sure about that. This evening my H has been quiet and moody all evening. He told me it was because he saw a look on my face this afternoon and he knew I was thinking of the OM. In fact it was because we somehow ended up in the baby clothes section in the supermarket. We have not been able to have children after over 10 years of trying and it was actually that which upset me, as it does from time to time.

 

He has now gone to the extreme of smashing up household items.

 

For the first time in 14 years together, I actually thought he was going to hit me. I said this and he agreed but then said he was joking. Sorry but even after what I have done, you never joke about hitting a woman.

 

 

I have gone to bed alone and do not know what may happen tonight and whether I will still have a marriage in the morning.

[carhill]

This is normal. Read the threads here and/or talk privately to some of the men who've gone through this with their wives. Every man expresses his pain differently, but it does get expressed. Like I said, it's going to be a long road.

 

You did love in a healthy way and that was/is your R with your H. That's still there. You just have to find it

 

Yes, I can empathize with your feelings about being childless. I share them...it's not easy..

[anne1707]

But he did not believe me when I told him that was what upset me. He has detached himself from me which I do understand after all he has gone through but tonight he is scaring me. As I type, I have heard him stumble up the stairs (drunk). I really don't know whether he will go and sleep in the spare room, try and apologise or take the "argument" to the next level. I have never been scared of him before.

[carhill]

If your H has not displayed violence in the past, IMO he's not going to start today. This all is really hard for him. I hope some of the members who have been through this will step in and help/support you. Doing the right thing is sometimes doing the hardest thing.

 

How long until vacation begins?

[anne1707]

Can't sleep (again) so up early on a Sunday morning. Things have calmed down. My H came to me and apologised for his behaviour and for scaring me. Believe me, I do understand his anger and frustration at this situation but it does not help when he causes about a £1000 worth of damage and leaves his hands all bloody and cut.

 

I know I am making progress. It may be slow but it is real and I am getting over the OM and will do whatever it takes to make my marriage work. My H has said that he can see things are improving but he wants it to happen faster. I cannot force that and if I gave the appearance of that, it would be another lie. I refuse to lie any more.

 

I feel as if things between my H and I have been set back weeks here and feel so low now. The OM is on holiday now so I will have full NC for 2 weeks. He is then back at work for a week before my H and I are supposed to go on holiday for a fortnight. I am not sure at the moment whether we will make it to then.

[carhill]

Speaking for myself, when I allowed resentment to build, I was more likely to express it in outbursts of anger, though not as pointedly as your H did. IMO, the more you keep lines of communication open and be proactive about the process, inviting him to approach you at any time with his feelings and concerns, the less likely damaging outbursts of anger will occur. No guarantees, but this is my instinct.

 

You have a lot of time away from OM now to work on your NC, and to map out a plan for recovery. Is it possible to get to a MC prior to your vacation and especially before OM returns?

[anne1707]

I do try to encourage my H to talk. Often he refuses saying that it would not help and the feelings he is having will pass. But to me that just stores it all up and also allows him to brood over things which is even worse if he has got the wrong idea as he did when I was upset about the baby clothes. If he had asked me what had upset me (and to be honest I thought he knew at the time) then instead of him then getting upset, he may have given me a hug.

 

We have planned to go to MC after we get back from holiday. The feeling is that we are too raw at the moment plus waiting lists would mean that we may only get one session before we go away if lucky.

[carhill]

IME, there is no "good" time to start MC, other than right now

 

Nothing which goes on in there is easy or pleasant. It's hard work. A skilled psychologist or therapist knows how to validate and diffuse anger and redirect it to get at the underlying pain. Your H is in pain. His head is spinning right now and chaos is closing in.

 

I had a lot of the same issues as your H, albeit from different sources (not infidelity), and MC has taught me tools to effectively communicate my emotions, which I no issues doing prior, but in a way that was better understood and received by my W.

 

IMO, merely remind your H that you are always open to hearing him, and be sure to practice what you say. Stop and listen and give what you hear the weight it deserves. He may feel that there is no way you can understand what he's going through. Validate that.

 

I know it's hard right now, but try to keep some lines of affection open. Be proactive. He may push away. That's natural. Just remind him that the love is there.

 

IMO, there is no formula. Just try things and accept the results. It's a process

[anne1707]

I know it's hard right now, but try to keep some lines of affection open. Be proactive. He may push away. That's natural. Just remind him that the love is there.

 

 

 

 

I am doing that and with no problem. I love my husband.

 

Sometimes he does push me away when I ask for a hug and I do my best not to let that bother me because I know he is going through so much at the moment.

 

We have also been through MC before so we know what to expect and know it will be tough but to be fair we have tried to talk to each other and to not make a judgmental, speedy reaction to things that are said. I tend to have a very quick temper (but then calm down very soon) whilst my H will quietly brood for hours. But we are both fighting our instinctive reactions so that we can keep talking.

[imagine]

Can't sleep (again) so up early on a Sunday morning. Things have calmed down. My H came to me and apologised for his behaviour and for scaring me. Believe me, I do understand his anger and frustration at this situation but it does not help when he causes about a £1000 worth of damage and leaves his hands all bloody and cut.

 

Brace yourself... but I hope this will be helpful to you.

 

I certainly hope that you do not say to your H that you understand his anger and frustration. We do not.

 

I have read of descriptions where it is equated to the death of a loved one, but more so. The body remains present and triggers fresh reminders of its dying over and over again. The betrayed spouse experiences self doubt and self esteem is diminished. Your partner as a reference point and partner is suspect.

 

You have possibly experienced but a fraction of what betrayal feel like from OM. You were lucky that your husband was your support. Who would have been his?

 

What exacerbates the problem is that your husband has difficulty verbalizing his frustrations. How does he vent?

 

The answer is ... he doesn't.

 

What happens is that he sucks it in until his "giver" side balks and his "taker" reacts. You already know this.

 

You can help him...

 

Use active listening. This, if you do not already know, is the process of repeating/reflecting what he says or does in such a way as to show that you comprehend something of what he is trying to express. You can even discuss with him beforehand that you are going to attempt this.

 

Apologize frequently until he tells you to stop.

 

Extraordinary precautions. Regular check in with H. Micro-record all your conversations with OM and allow H to hear them.

 

Continue with your policy of absolute honesty.

 

Know this...

 

The road is long. It can take years to recover.

You need support. Lean on this community board. Absolutely enlist your husband's support.

Your feelings for the OM will not disappear quickly. I heard stats that said one years grieving for every five in contact - depending on circumstances.

I am rooting for both of you.

[In Like Flynn]

This whole thread should be pinned to the top of this section for all WW's and BH's to read. This is such a clear example of the Fog that WW's experience and the techniques that OM use to keep them on a string to feed their ego. WW's that develop a emotional connection with their OM always feel their situation is different and the OM truely loved them. In the end it always ends the same way....a slow painful realization that they wasted their bodies and destroyed their marriages for someone that really wasn't what they thought they were. The betrayed spouse in this case has had to swallow the fact that his wife screwed her brains out for three long years with the OM, probably also had his sexlife either denied or severly lessen as a result. And now he has to sit there while his wife mourns the loss of the fictional relationship of the OM while crying on her BS's shoulder. The BS now probably has lost his self esteem, self worth as a man, and must settle for being settled for....as yes he is being settled for....according to the early posts the OM was the preferred option, only to show his true colors when the WS actually decided to actually leave her husband for the OM. He was just having fun and to get that fun he had to provide the WS with her emotional needs to get what he wanted and that was easy and frequent sex.

Now he has moved on to another WS doing the same thing.

[anne1707]

In Like Flynn

 

Whilst disagreeing with some of the things you have said, overall I have to agree. My story is definitely not unique, the OM used me for whatever reason he had, I became too real when I said I would leave my H for him so he moved on to the next one in the line (already working on her before he and I split too, I'm sure).

 

He has continued to manipulate me and leave me in this fog, which is making recovery for my H and I even more difficult. I am one of those people who wants to understand why somebody does something, especially to someone they said they cared about. But I never will with the OM and it makes me angry with both the OM and myself as I wasted so much on him.

 

I am trying to move on. It is slow and painful for my H and I. The OM, I am sure is in no pain even though he STILL tries to act as if he is an innocent victim in all this. I have never been used like this before. Up until now, any man I have been involved with has always been good and kind so this has been a huge shock to the system. But I am determined that my H and I will get through this together.

[LifesontheUp]

I became too real when I said I would leave my H for him so he moved on to the next one in the line (already working on her before he and I split too, I'm sure).

 

You were willing to leave your husband for the OM but he wouldn't have you!

 

For the love of god, please set your husband free. Do not try and work on your marriage, your husband is second best to you.

 

Sorry if you don't like what I have to say but you need to wake up. You are being totally and utterly selfish in trying to keep your husband because you don't have your OM. Selfish selfish selfish.

 

If you can't have OM, then go be on your own. But I don't think you could do that as you need someone around, and if its your husband......well he'll have to do.

 

You have been played, and you are now playing your husband. Do the right thing and let him go.

[LifesontheUp]

Does your husband know he's second best. Does he know you would have left him if the OM would have had you?

[anne1707]

The BS now probably has lost his self esteem, self worth as a man, and must settle for being settled for....as yes he is being settled for....according to the early posts the OM was the preferred option, quote]

 

 

This actuallythe thing I disagreed with. Whilst I know earlier actions indicated that my H was second choice, this is definitely not the case. Even when I was telling the OM I wanted to be with him, there were thoughts going through my head along the lines of what on earth an I doing, I don't really mean this. I have also stated in an earlier post I think, that I panicked and basically lost the plot for a few days. Unfortunately in those few days, major damage was done to my marriage and my H was very badly hurt.

 

My H knows I want to be with him and he also accepts (for now) that I still have some feelings for OM but nowhere near the way I used to have. He and I only talked about this yesterday so I can be very clear on this. He knows I want us to work.

[bish]

I will be the first to admit that I still have some feelings for the OM so there is jealousy regarding the new woman.

 

Sounds like your husband is reacting a heck of alot better than you are towards the OM getting a new gf.

 

I don't get it. If your husband can hold back any feelings of jealousy and resentment towards you for what you did, why can't you hold those feelings back towards the OM and his new woman?

[bish]

Does your husband know he's second best. Does he know you would have left him if the OM would have had you?

 

I'd like to know the answer to that one. I'd like to know his reaction if she told him, "if the OM would have had me, you'd be history"

 

so if anne's husband is "fully informed" as she says he is, does he know this little tidbit of information?

[whichwayisup]

Even when I was telling the OM I wanted to be with him, there were thoughts going through my head along the lines of what on earth an I doing, I don't really mean this.

 

OW should take note of this. At the time you said that to your OM, you meant it. But, looking back, you could say that it was wishful, hopeful, fantasy-like thinking? Just asking because SO many OW get messed up when their MM make promises to them, to marry, to have kids, to start a life, to say they're gonna leave their wife and kids.. I'm sure you've read the threads in the OW/OM section...And one thing most ask, is WHY would MM make promises and say those things if he wasn't going to follow through with it.

[anne1707]

Bish

 

I am being extremely honest with my H. I have told him the things I have said and done. He knows about the conversation I had with the OM when I said I would leave my marriage. I also tell my husband about any conversations etc I have with the OM so he knows exactly what is going on.

 

 

Whichwayisup

 

I was in a complete mess when I told the OM I would leave my H. I was not thinking straight and really did not know what I was doing. I was scared and incredibly confused. If the OM had accepted my offer, I just don't know whether I would have been able to follow through. Remember that the OM had been asking me for nearly three years to leave my H and I never came close until the OM told me he had met someone else. I know I was stupid and selfish.

[anne1707]

Bish

 

 

To quote my husband:

 

"I am fully aware my wife is a selfish ***** who got very confused but I still love her."

[carhill]

OP, that last line....it's so critical that you act aggressively to protect that love ASAP. I can tell you with certainty, once it goes, it's really hard to find it again. Agonizingly hard. You still have time

[anne1707]

I am doing everything I can to protect and hold on to that love.

 

That last post of mine was a direct quote from my husband after telling him some of the things being posted on this thread particularly where some are saying that he is second choice or that I have hidden things from him since telling him about the A.

 

He knows I am being honest, he knows things I have said (and offered) to the OM, he knows I still have feelings for the OM. But he accepts all this. He accepts all this because he knows he has to if he and I are going to work. But he also very clear that he will not accept doubts and questions over our relationship in the long term and neither would I. There is a long way to go. We may not make it in the end but we will try our hardest.

[bish]

Bish

 

I am being extremely honest with my H. I have told him the things I have said and done. He knows about the conversation I had with the OM when I said I would leave my marriage. I also tell my husband about any conversations etc I have with the OM so he knows exactly what is going on..

 

So basically your H knows that you would have left him for the OM and only are not doing so because the OM now has another woman?

 

I sure don't know what is going on in your husband's mind to think he should be ok with all of that. He is 2nd fiddle. I guess some people just settle for being settled for.

[bish]

Bish

 

 

To quote my husband:

 

"I am fully aware my wife is a selfish ***** who got very confused but I still love her."

 

Confused? Puuulease. That is what people say to avoid admitting the truth.

 

There was no "confusion". You did what you did because you wanted to.

 

I have to say, the more you tell us what your husband apparantly said or feels, it sounds like you could have cut his penis off with a machete and he'd still say, "oh but I love her". I mean really, for a man to be told, "i would have left you for him", or more importantly, if you were truly disclosing everything, "I would have left you for him, but since he found another woman, you were my backup plan and now I want to stay with you because you were 2nd choice" and then want to work it out? What is to work out when you know you aren't #1 with your spouse?

 

I still say he is in a fog and is in shock of his whole world being ripped apart. I was the same way until I started thinking more clearly.

[merlin2]

Unfortunately I agree with the above, your H is in a fog, and once he sees clearly, there might not be any going back.That might be the best thing for both of you as I cant understand how you can fall in love with someone else while you're married?you must have fallen out of love with your H to begin with, and maybe aren't at that stage of being able to be on your own.Its a sad situation, and I hope that in the not too distant future, whatever happens you'll have peace of mind and a lesson learned.Maybe you never forgave your H for having an affair a few years back, I can understand that.But from what you've said the OM has moved on to his next victim, one day you'll wake up and not give a damn.Corny but that Seal song:prayer for the dying' sums it up:'TIME is the space between me and you..'

There's no magic pill, but time and space away from the OM will give you time to get your head round the little control trip hes having, and I think you know that deep down.wouldnt it be great if he came back from leave and you were indifferent-for real.

Good luck.