How do I get over this?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I can understand that. So can you answer these questions...

 

1. What is it you want from your husband?

2. What is it you want from your marriage?

3. What does the marriage vows mean to you?

4. Why does it matter if the OM is willing to admit to loving your or wanting to be with you?

5. Why did you break it off with him (I know you say you wanted to be with your husband, but that is not the end all answer)?

 

Look, everyone is a victim and villain here. But, what is it you really want from all of this?

 

If I might offer you a suggestion?

 

Seriously think about divorcing your husband and leaving your lover alone. There are things going on with you that need to be addressed. Things that are problem from issues prior to your marriage. You really should think about some personal counseling, maybe this whole thing is not about your adultery.

 

 

DNR

[anne1707]

I can't answer your questions. Which does cause me concern. For a long time now, I have wondered whether it is something about me whereby I am not capable of holding on to a long term relationship.

 

My husband and I have been together 14 years. This is my second marriage with my first only lasting 6 months before I had a fling - affair would be too strong a word for it and I am ashamed of what I did but I also know we were very young when we started seeing each other (4 years before we got married). There have been two more serious relationships. One before and the other after this first marriage, before I met my second husband.

 

To be honest, the OM is the first man who dumped me. It has always been the other way round in all my relationships. I have also very rarely been single. Relationships have ended because I have met some onw else.

[anne1707]

I can't answer your questions. Which does cause me concern. For a long time now, I have wondered whether it is something about me whereby I am not capable of holding on to a long term relationship.

 

My husband and I have been together 14 years. This is my second marriage with my first only lasting 6 months before I had a fling - affair would be too strong a word for it and I am ashamed of what I did but I also know we were very young when we started seeing each other (4 years before we got married). There have been two more serious relationships. One before and the other after this first marriage, before I met my second husband.

 

To be honest, the OM is the first man who dumped me. It has always been the other way round in all my relationships. I have also very rarely been single. Relationships have ended because I have met some one else.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I can't answer your questions. Which does cause me concern. For a long time now, I have wondered whether it is something about me whereby I am not capable of holding on to a long term relationship.

 

My husband and I have been together 14 years. This is my second marriage with my first only lasting 6 months before I had a fling - affair would be too strong a word for it and I am ashamed of what I did but I also know we were very young when we started seeing each other (4 years before we got married). There have been two more serious relationships. One before and the other after this first marriage, before I met my second husband.

 

To be honest, the OM is the first man who dumped me. It has always been the other way round in all my relationships. I have also very rarely been single. Relationships have ended because I have met some one else.

 

In order to fix what's messed up inside you , you need to look deeply asnd realize your issues stop you from having meaninful relationships with the opposite sex. Your first marriage ending because you fooled around. now this one could possibly end because both of you did. unbelievable!

 

So you get off on getting these men and dumping them at your disposal now since the OM took the lead and dropped you like a rock your ego is shattered. is that it? You need to realize that these issues exist within you. not your husband or the OM what drives you to do what you do???

 

I see that you truly love your husband. But only you can make it right.

 

You need IC and MC and good ones too! I think your husband is more than willing to rebuild if he's still there. but mark my words if you keep in any form of contact with the OM most assuredly he will leave; and serve you with divorce papers. Do you want to say that you got two marriages failed due to infidelity on your part? Now is the time for self reflection and fixing yourself.

[anne1707]

So you get off on getting these men and dumping them at your disposal now since the OM took the lead and dropped you like a rock your ego is shattered. is that it? You need to realize that these issues exist within you. not your husband or the OM what drives you to do what you do???

 

I have never thought of myself getting off on being able to get and then dump men but I can see how in my relationship with OM that this could be seen to be the case. Throughout the three years of the affair, he repeatedly asked me to leave my husband and I wouldn’t. OM and I have split up more times than I can remember because of this but after a few weeks we have always started seeing each other again.

 

However this last split is different. For the first couple of weeks we did seem to be drifting back together (which would have been when he says he started seeing this other woman) and during this time he was texting me more and more, telling me he had worn a shirt to work that he knew I liked, etc. However he went a bit distant over a weekend (which had happened before because he had always said the weekends were the time it hurt most that we were not together). My husband and I also had that big argument.

 

I started to talk to OM that maybe I should leave my husband to be with him and when he then told me he may not be able to give me what I wanted and then finally told me that he had met someone else, I just lost the plot. I was no longer in control within the relationship and panicked, making an incredibly huge mistake in telling my husband because I did not want to lose the OM. Pathetic.

 

Leaving my husband had never been something I wanted to do before so why now. When I am calm and head screwed on, I know I do not want to be with OM and that I want to be with my husband however I do keep getting upset over what I have lost with the OM and then want to be with him.

 

Once I calm down, I can always see how that would not make me happy. I can see the need for counselling because a huge concern is that even if my husband and I get through this now, I don’t want to find myself having another affair in years to come.

[puppycat]

anne, it seems like you are desperate for attention- any kind of attention. i'm not judging, as we all have our weak moments. but you seem totally caught by the whims of others.

 

i think it might be impossible for you to work through this without some kind of individual counseling (at the least) to find out what in your past you are trying to compensate for. you need to work on making yourself a more secure person with or without a man. i know that's easier said than done, but this is going to be a hard road either way. if you strengthen yourself, you will be better able to listen to your own inner voice and find out what it is you really want.

[anne1707]

Today has been a good day. My husband and I have spent time together just enjoying being together and taking a break from the pain we have been experiencing.

 

We have also booked a holiday for September. Our view is that this will give us something to look forward to plus we have booked somewhere we have been before and know we love and where we will be able to relax. Hopefully we will be able to use the holiday as a time to repair some of the damage.

 

We have also agreed that neither of us must feel pressured by the idea of going on holiday. If it is not right for us to go when it gets to that time, then we don't go.

[cyabye]

anne1707, I just hope your marriage can make it till the holiday this September. What did you do today to make it better? What are you doing tomorrow? The next? Your relationship with your husband is day by day now but to prove to him that you are truly legit you will have to work HARD everyday. I can almost assure you this, things will get worse before they get better (if). Something in my gut tells me you and your husband NEED some ALONE time. AWAY from EVERYTHING including each other. Is that something you 2 can stomach?

 

cyabye

[anne1707]

I know its day by day and that whilst today was better, tomorrow could be worse, and as for Monday when I go back to work, who knows. I know that we may not make it to September too. All I can do is work at saving my marriage one step at a time.

 

We have talked of spending some time apart. However from his perspective, he has problems with this because he and I may not see each other but I would see OM at work. What will help though is that the OM is going on holiday soon so that will take some of the pressure off for a while.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Anne1707 - You obviously have strong feelings for your OM. It will take time, if you allow yourself to release from this person (emotionally).

 

You say that you are going to give your marriage a shot, however, I don't know if I fully hear that from your replies and posts. What are you and your husband doing to make it work?

 

As for the OM, I truly believe that he cares/loves you. However, it seems that he could not go on waiting and found someone else (or is saying so to make the break easier for all involved).

 

You've made these decisions and now you need to work through them.

 

Please ask yourself these questions:

 

Do you deserve to be happy?

What will it take for you to be happy?

Do you love and respect your husband?

Does he love and respect you?

 

Your future lies somewhere between the answers of these questions.

 

Best of luck to you in the future.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

Sorry, double post...

[anne1707]

In response:

 

Yes my feelings for OM are still strong (as shown by how upset I was on Friday when he and I argued at work) and I know it will be a long time before he is just a work colleague (or less) to me.

 

I do want to make my marriage work. Admittedly not all the time but on the whole I do. I think from where I was a couple of weeks ago, this is progress. I am doing my utmost to be very honest with my husband, including him seeing and knowing that I am upset about the OM. There have been enough lies. Our initial aim is to just get through these first few weeks and to still be together. So at the moment we are dealing with the immediate shock and the pain we are both feeling. We are trying to make more time together and we also know we have some very painful discussions we need to have on why this all happened in the first place and what can we do in our marriage to stop something like this happening in the future.

 

The OM cares/loves me? In spite of some things he has said, I know he does care but not sure he loves me. And yes, I have wondered whether this new relationship is not as serious as he has made out just so he can be seen to be moving on from me. It comes back again to the moments when he is being detached where he has told me some very hurtful things to the moments when he has been more relaxed with me and obviously still has some feelings for me. I think he has a few emotional issues he needs to sort out too.

 

Do I deserve to be happy? Ultimately I think I do.

 

Do I love and respect my husband? Definitely

 

Does he love and respect me? Even after all this, yes.

 

But what will make me happy? I think staying with my husband but this still gets clouded by my thoughts for the OM.

[imagine]

Hey Anne

 

Good on you for being upfront with your husband about your altercation and feelings for OM. This is the stuff that brings healing.

 

If I were writing this letter to your husband however, I would be advising him to write a letter to your workplace explaining that he is trying to build up his marriage and that he would appreciate any assistance regarding the monitoring and reasonable distancing of yourself and OM at the workplace.

 

You and OM were/are each others addiction. Working together is like an alcoholic finding employment as a wine taster.

 

I appreciate your work circumstances, therefore the next best thing is to have exposure such that temptation is minimized.

 

Oh! And this is exactly what you are doing by reporting every detail to hubby. Maybe it won't do any harm for hubby to quietly let OM know that you tattletale should he try ANY flirting. Use the smallest opportunity so that OM KNOWS where he stands.

[Trojan John]

The plain and obvious truth is that you need to be away from the OM. You will never get past this unless you have zero interaction with him. What you're doing is like trying to stop smoking, but still chewing snuze. This is not a nicotine addiction here, this is your marriage. I can only imagine that your very supportive husband will only take so much from you. You are starting to do the right things, but you must go further.

[silktricks]

I was no longer in control within the relationship

 

How important to you IS control in the relationship? Do you think that loss of control (of either the relationship or yourself) could be what is the root of your cheating?

 

You will need to find the reason you have chosen to cheat before you'll be able to know that you won't cheat again. Control and desire for control is often in the mix .

[anne1707]

Yesterday was a bad day for my husband and I.

 

The main problem was that when he said how good he was at controlling and hiding his emotions, this lead to an argument. I don't want him to do this, especially at the moment (though I can see his argument in that he says he has to do this at the moment because he is so angry that it may do more harm than good). He smashed a picture in his temper, tidied up and then came to bed. All over in a few minutes.

 

The expressing of emotions and how he feels about me is something that has always been a problem in our marriage. He struggles to verbally express how he feels and it is something I need. I know that I have to compromise on this but it is hard for me too. Unfortunately this was something the OM was very good at and it made me feel very special so when this argument happened, it made me miss OM (or at least what I had with OM and wish I could have with my husband).

 

Of course I also recognise the irony. The OM's expressions of love were not as real as they seemed yet my husband still being here with me shows real, deep love. I just wish he would actally tell me what I mean to him.

[anne1707]

I know Monday was a bad day but Tuesday was good. I guess its going to be like that a lot for my husband and I. We are still trying to make it work, I am being honest with him and we are talking about things and trying to make little changes where we can for now.

 

There is still a lot of pain to be dealt with though. NC with OM is just not possible because of work and that really annoys me. Whilst I am forcing myself to be professional and not make comments about him and I, he seems to be able to just relax and be friendly with me as if there are no problems (though again no talk of us). I haven't cried about him for a couple of days now (progress!) and my feelings for him, whilst still not fully resolved, are now turning to annoyance in that he has behaved like a complete and utter ******* and expects me to just take that without comment. Over the last few days I have also remembered things he said or did whilst we were together which would have indicated what he was like but I missed.

 

At one time, just over a year ago, he was still seeing me, he had a few dates with another woman (telling me that if I was not free to have a life with him then he could try to have a life with someone else) plus he was in contact with and went to visit a woman who at that stage he told me was just a friend but it turned out he was also having a sexual relationship with her. So three women at once!!!

 

When these relationships ended, he made a point of telling me about that and saying that whilst there was a chance for us then he could not see someone else. He did something like this again only in May this year. He has tried to make me feel guilty for his actions and even questioned whether if he and I got together, would I remain faithful to him. His ability to have several relationships on the go at once shows that he is not exactly well placed to criticise.

 

So yes, feelings are still running high for me but it is getting easier to deal with and I can see how my life would have been ruined with the OM. My husband however is still been amazing. We had that argument on Monday but other than that we are doing really well. He is not second choice, he is the best choice, the one I know I want to be with when it comes down to it. I have talked about this with him and he knows he is not second choice and that he is the better man.

 

I am also in the process of applying for another job. Not a huge chance of getting it but worth a go.

[bish]

The expressing of emotions and how he feels about me is something that has always been a problem in our marriage. He struggles to verbally express how he feels and it is something I need.

 

right now your "need" for him to express himself comes second. Nothing wrong with trying to get him to express himself, but he has been wounded here. HE is the one in need right now, your "need" will have to take a back seat for a while.

 

 

I know that I have to compromise on this but it is hard for me too. Unfortunately this was something the OM was very good at and it made me feel very special so when this argument happened

 

Of course he expresses himself and makes you feel good. He hasn't been married to you forever and a day. Its new and exciting.

 

Remember when you and your husband fell in love? You saying he never expressed himself when you 2 were a new couple?

 

marriage and family life takes a toll on the emotions with the person you chose to be with. The OM and you do not have that baggage with each other.

 

 

Of course I also recognise the irony. The OM's expressions of love were not as real as they seemed

 

Exactly. Players will put on a real good acting job of seeming like they care to get the end result, your clothes off.

 

 

yet my husband still being here with me shows real, deep love. I just wish he would actally tell me what I mean to him.

 

Thats too difficult for him to do for one of 2 reasons:

 

Either

1) you don't really mean as much to him anymore after the affair and he is trying to stay for other reasons, kids, financial, etc.

 

or

 

2) its hard for a man to tell a woman that just screwed him over how he feels about her if in fact he does care because that makes him look like a whipped dog or that you are in the driver's seat.

 

I imagine it would be hard to tell a woman how much a man cares about her if she has cheated on him.

 

Besides, I see alot of entitlement, me me me attitude here. Here he is angry, hurt, betrayed, and all you can really think about is him making YOU feel good.

[bish]

I am also in the process of applying for another job. Not a huge chance of getting it but worth a go.

 

 

Its good that you are applying for another job. but it shouldn't be just one job you apply for. You should look for one until you DO find another job.

 

It is more than just a sign of good faith you need to show here. You NEED to make the change.....in yourself and in jobs.

 

The goal should be GETTING another job, not simply applying for one or 2 just to show you are trying.

 

Even if 5 years down the road you can't find another one, you need to keep trying.

[Untouchable_Fire]

He has tried to make me feel guilty for his actions and even questioned whether if he and I got together, would I remain faithful to him. His ability to have several relationships on the go at once shows that he is not exactly well placed to criticise.

 

That's more about keeping your word. Did he make a commitment to you or any of the other women?

 

I think he may have had a point here.

 

My husband however is still been amazing. We had that argument on Monday but other than that we are doing really well. He is not second choice, he is the best choice, the one I know I want to be with when it comes down to it. I have talked about this with him and he knows he is not second choice and that he is the better man.

 

That is a lie. He is still second choice, and now has to find a way to live with that.

 

Choosing someone is what love is. You wake up every day and say... "I choose you". If you decide to choose someone else... you can't take that back.

[anne1707]

That's more about keeping your word. Did he make a commitment to you or any of the other women?

quote]

 

 

Does asking me to marry him and to have children with him count as commitment? It's not just that he hurt me on this but I think he also lied to the other women because I am sure they never knew about me. I am also sure that this new woman doesn't. Can you imagine how the alarm bells would ring for her if she found out that he had only just finished a 3 year affair with another married woman and that he had been asking her to leave her husband (whilst he had possibly started making a move on someone new) and that he only backed off when she said she would leave her husband.

 

But yes, over recent days I can also see more clearly how I hurt him and let him down over time. Whilst I cannot blame him for deciding to end it, I do think he did it very badly. He was definitely encouraging me and making me feel as we could get back together. Plus to leave me because of the "half life" and to move on to another married woman!

 

I am managing my feelings for him much better and getting less bothered or upset - not 100% but making progress. Things are also much better with my husband. I can assure you that I want to make my marriage work and we are trying the best we can. I am not just looking for one job. I found out about another one yesterday but even my husband said it was too far for me to travel. We have also booked a holiday so we can take some time to work on us. What will also help is that the OM will be going on holiday soon too so over the next couple of months, there will be 4 weeks when we will not see each other at work.

 

Also realise that it still not just plain sailing. "Our song" for OM and I came on the radio last night and I had to turn it off. And woke up this morning earlier than the alarm with a head full of thoughts - none very clear but just feeling pain.

[mental_traveller]

Don't be so hard on the woman - her husband cheated first, so quite frankly any sympathy for him is unwarranted.

 

For the OP - I'm glad you are finally realising you got played. Think about that in future whenever you're tempted to wander. The fact is that for most guys involved with a married woman, she's nothing more than a free piece of ass.

[mental_traveller]

 

Does asking me to marry him and to have children with him count as commitment?

 

No. It counts as him getting an ego boost and fantasizing without having to deal with the consequences (since you're married to someone else).

[anne1707]

 

No. It counts as him getting an ego boost and fantasizing without having to deal with the consequences (since you're married to someone else).

 

Which explains why he kept leading me on and even now will look me up and down, try to hold eye contact etc. He refuses to talk about this new woman (who I actually feel sorry for her because he will do to her what he has done to me) because if he admits that she is married as I have asked (and know) then it shows how much of a fake he is in how he has manipulated me and how his reasons for ending it with me are a lie. He actually wants the "half life" that he has complained about so much. His ego must have had such a boost when I told him I would leave my husband. He had won.

[anne1707]

The OM has done my head in this afternoon. Friendly, keeping me talking for over an hour in his office (needing help with a job application), chatting about non-work stuff, heavy eye contact, definitely flirting with me.

 

Please tell me off, put me straight, tell me how he is using me and what a cow I am being.