Dealing with breakup and a whole lot more

[tripfontaine]

This is quite lengthy story but I will do my best to condense it.

 

My girlfriend and I broke up about 2 months ago. We had been dating for on and off for over a year. We have been friends for over 3 years. About 6 months prior to going out with me she had just finished a 6 year relationship and at the the start of our reltionship things were tough for me as she was still not completely over him. Matters were more complicated by the fact that my brother and her had had a one night affair (I only knew they had kissed when I entered into the relationship) very soon after she split with her ex.

 

Problems really began when about 3 months (!!) into the relationship my gf finally told me there had been more to the one night affair than i first thought. They had ended up having oral sex and although i felt I could handle this what I found hard to accept was how hurt she still was about it, she felt she had been used by my brother and on the face of things it did seem quite bad.

 

I decided the best way to solve this was to confront my brother and try and resolve this completely for all our sakes. Unfortunatley my brother had not thought he had done anything wrong and so we had a huge argument and fell out. At the same time I contracted a prostate infection that meant I was put on antibiotics (which I have now found cause me depression). I should also mention at this time my Dad was displaying short term memory loss problems, my Mum had cancer, I had moved house and started a new job recently.

 

Eventually I got my brother to realise that he had hurt her and he apologized for this. My gf did not really take his apology too well, she was very critical to me about him, but was completely fine when they would see each other which I thought was totally two faced. (we are all friends in the same group - I by this time was not goin out much because I was finding it so hard to deal with). My brother also told me he would speak to her and apologize to her directly.

 

I waited but he did not apologize to her face, I think maybe we had miscommunicated but the final straw came when my girl friend made a higly unfair and critical comment about him to

me. Something inside me snapped and I sunk into a deep depression where I didnt go out and didnt want to see anyone. Finally my brother spoke to her and apologized to her directly, she replied she was fine with it all!!

 

By this time my deression was so bad that I lost all feeling for anyone, I felt numb and my feelings for my gf vanished. My depression had probably lasted for 2 months. I split up with her and sought medical help, which did seem to do the trick and within a few months I had bounced back to health.

 

With the return of my health I felt my feelings for her return, and persuaded her to give it another go. Things started out really well but again because I was still having prostate problems I went into hospital and then was put back on antibiotics. At the same time my Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers. I sunk into depression again. I did not want to go out as much as she did and when we did i was down with grief about my Dad. She started to blame me and say I had a choice of how i felt. She went away to a conference and on her return she said someone had asked her out and she didnt know why she hadnt said yes. That really hurt, and i think at the time just pushed me further down. Not long after this she split up with me, she said I overreacted, she couldnt handle my grief and she needed to be selfish. I was so numb that it didnt sink in for weeks. I tried to persuade her that I was recovering (this time I had only been down fo a few weeks), that these were extraordinary circumstances. She turned it all around trying to suggest I was a depressive person (my counsellor told me this is rubbish), that I was introverted and basically started digging up the past trying to fit it with why i was suffering from depression now. She also said she still felt awkward about my brother and wondered what he had told his new gf!!!!

 

The split has not done me any good, I have sunk even further down, especially when she brought her new bf out. I have cut all ties but she has all the same friends as me. I dont know what to do as i dont think i can handle seeing her out again. I am still trying to make sense of the past year, any ideas on how i can cope seeing her out?

[superd]

Maybe you should try expanding your circle of friends. Do not necessarily stop hanging out with the old but if you gf has sway in that circle it could mean crap for you. Keep hanging out with them but find some new ones and don't mix them with the old friends. Also, try to be friends with your brother on a casual level, let him have his own personal and professional life and don't get involved in it. Until you develop some healthy boundaries, anything anybody does is going to bring you to the point of depression. You can be the world's victim but in the end no one is going to care if you don't succeed. Maybe you don't have an accurate picture of exactly who your gf is, maybe you are expecting too much from her or more then she can give at the moment. Try to take things a step back and organize your life.

[tripfontaine]

My brother and myself are good terms again now. My ex and me are no longer speaking.

 

I suppose the pain comes from the fact that she brought all this baggage into the relationship, I supported her at the start when she was going through bad times but then when it got too much for her rather than trying to communicate and deal with it she walked away and jumped straight into another relationship.

 

What do you mean when you say "Maybe you don't have an accurate picture of exactly who your (ex) gf is "?

[superd]

you don't see other people, you only see yourself. I am not saying this to put you down but I think you are a little bit of a tyrant who uses his moods to control other people. If your gf has it in her heart to do you wrong, there is no amount of guilt traps and hooks you can use to keep her under your control. You have to grow up and realize people are going to do exactly what they want regardless of your protests.

[tripfontaine]

I'm afraid thats not true at all, I tackled my brother as I was not prepared to let the bad feeling that my gf had carry on, it made it awkward when they were out together. Unfortunately it coincided with the antibiotics (which caused me depression), and family tragedy. My depression was genuine, it was not a means to blackmail anyone. At the time I went to a counsellor who said I had taken responisibility for my brothers actions which is why my gf's criticisms of my brother hurt me so much. Looking back I can see that now but at the time I had no idea what was happening to me because i had never had to deal with so much at one time. My coping mechanisms were just not good enough. Counselling has helped me deal with things alot better and this year when I again was put on antibiotics although I did grieve for my Dad it lasted a much shorter period.

 

I understand what you say about the fact my gf will do exactly what she wants but it hurts me because I hoped she had more compassion and understanding than she did. All I can say is if the roles had been reversed I think I would have supported her and not blamed her when she was upset.

[midori]

Originally posted by tripfontaine

I understand what you say about the fact my gf will do exactly what she wants but it hurts me because I hoped she had more compassion and understanding than she did. All I can say is if the roles had been reversed I think I would have supported her and not blamed her when she was upset.

 

And there you have it. You wish she had more compassion and understanding than she actually does. You have more than she does, and need more than she can give. Regardless of whatever wonderful things were between the two of you, things were lacking in this regard. And it turns out, as you've discovered, that compassion and understanding are rather large ingredients to leave out of a relationship.

 

For some reason you've latched onto the idea of having her in your life. Even though she's incapable of meeting some of your fundamental needs. She might provide other things that are important to you, and you might do well to think about what they are -- so that you can figure out other ways to fulfill those needs, other people who can provide the stuff that she does. She's not the only woman with whom you'll be good in bed, for example. She's not the only woman you can talk to about whatever it is that sparks your passions. She's not the only woman who appreciates your sense of humor. Maybe she's the only woman you know of right now who does those things (or whatever it is that she does for you) but she's not uniquely suited to you.

 

In fact, from what you've said it sounds to me like she has used you as a means of getting back at your brother. Nothing in your post indicates that she has much respect or concern for you. I know you're hurting over the loss right now but if you really examine what you were getting from her, and weigh it against what you WEREN'T getting from her, I think you might find that you haven't lost much of anything.

[tripfontaine]

Midori,

 

Thanks for the reply! You have given me a different perspective on things. Perhaps you are right, maybe she didnt fulfil all my needs.

 

Whether she used me to get back at my brother, that I dont know. Part of me doesnt really want to accept that as I suppose I invested a year of my life with her but again perhaps there is an element of truth in what you say. Your post has given me alot to think about.....