Contact after 1 year

[NatoPMT]

wow that IS good news.

 

how do you feel P?

[Planofool]

I told her that maybe we should do what the therapist suggested last year. Call him together and ask that he not contact her anymore. Make sure he knows that I am on the other line when we do it. She said she wants to do whatever it takes to make her husband happy.

Now part of me still wants to mess with him. If my wife is telling the truth that she told him not to contact her then I want to tell him that he is scum for not honoring that. But I do remember her telling me that she told him he could call every once and awhile to discuss family.....she is now saying that she told him no contact.

I guess she is waiting on me to tell her how to handle it. You know what.....I don't think it is mine to handle. What do you guys think?

[NatoPMT]

she's giving it to you as a way of allowing you some control over the problem, thats a big gesture of asking you to trust her again. shes doing the right thing, im really impressed with her, when ive cheated in the past, ive tried to hide all trace of it and refused to discuss it like she did before. But i didnt have the inclination or the understanding of how to fix it, and i didnt really want to. To me, this says she wants to put things right.

 

theres a slight hint of almost not wanting to trust her in your post - i can understand that given the circumstances, but from what i can tell, this seems to be the first concrete opportunity youve had to do this - so this could be a turning point for you both

 

i would leave him be, he's a sad arsed article. Dont give into any need to feel any triumph over him. Ignore him now, do whats necessary in that you decide together - she might also feel uncomfortable with you taking her actions out on him. What hes done is given you some actual evidence that shes capable of doing the right thing, so hes done you a favour cos those doubts you were continuing to have now have less credibility

[White Flower]

For those of you who have read my post, it has been 1 year since I discovered my wife's EA with a man from Texas. To the best of my knowledge contact stopped the end of June last year. Yesterday she got a text from him saying....."Hey stranger. Been a long time.***** reunion is this weekend. Let me know how u r. I know text messaging is pretty sophisticated for kaintuki so call me".

I don't know if she has seen the message yet. I got her phone and looked at it without her knowing. What the hell is a kaintuki? I wanted to text him back but I didn't. I also am thinking about getting a pay as you go phone and texting him and tell him it's my new number so my husband won't know....then having some fun with him.

I need advice what should I do? Just wait and watch?

I actually like the idea! Tell him 'my husband has the old number and this is my new one'.

 

It sounds like you are really interested in saving the marriage. This little game could jeopardize your relationship with her. But it does sound like fun;)

[Planofool]

BigBelm,Owl and all, thanks for getting me through the day. I hope this will be the end of it. I have noticed she has gone back to her old ways and I can only hope this will be a little shot of reality for her. She had gotten very lax in her effort to help us heal from the past issues. Maybe we can move forward.

[White Flower]

I agree with BilBelm that it sounds as though she is trying to show you she is trustworthy so be careful in how you would play this.

[Planofool]

White Flower, the way I see it I owe him 27 yrs of going behind my back and trying to break up my marriage. I liked the idea too.

[whichwayisup]

She just told me about the text and asked what she should do. I am open for suggestions. She said she has not talked to him since last year and she told him not to contact her.

 

He knows there's to be NC, right? If so, then I would just ignore him completely. Silence is golden!

[White Flower]

White Flower, the way I see it I owe him 27 yrs of going behind my back and trying to break up my marriage. I liked the idea too.

Oh wow! I didn't realize this was 27 years in the making! Maybe I'm evil, but I'd play with him.

 

OK, I see you only have a few posts under you belt. Do you have PM rights?

 

Nope, just looked. Anyway, be careful about those Go phones. They can easily accidentally call the last number dialed and that person can hear entire conversations if you are using your regular phone. When you are done with it-turn it off!

[whichwayisup]

BigBelm,Owl and all, thanks for getting me through the day. I hope this will be the end of it. I have noticed she has gone back to her old ways and I can only hope this will be a little shot of reality for her. She had gotten very lax in her effort to help us heal from the past issues. Maybe we can move forward.

 

OK, after reading this - Is it possible that she contacted him first and he wrote back hey stranger..??

 

You say she's slipped back into old habits, old ways..Are you just talking about her efforts with you and the healing or her attitude and or are you talking about sneaky behaviour?

 

Remind her that she can't slip backwards, that she needs to be on the proper path and work with you in your marriage, otherwise all that hard work will be thrown out the window and the trust you've built up with her again will slowly disappear.

[NatoPMT]

i was assuming that the old ways were her not treating him as well as she should, and the control issues rather than her being up to no good.

 

people do tend to slip after a period of being on their best behaviour if nothing improves within the relationship, i think cheaters find it hard to maintain piety and get fed up of playing the submissive forgive me role. THis could have happened as P wasnt trusting her, and still has unresolved issues so her reaction will start to be 'i dont want to open this can of worms again' - but now you has reason to trust her, i hope you can start to get past that

 

its a pleasure P

[whichwayisup]

White Flower, the way I see it I owe him 27 yrs of going behind my back and trying to break up my marriage. I liked the idea too.

 

The thing is, you contact him, mess with him, you're giving HIM power and importance in your life. THAT will only feed his ego and make him feel good that you hate him and want to mess with his head. He doesn't care about you or your marriage, so you might be better off with silence, this way it shows he isn't even worthy of ANY reaction. THAT will bug him more than anything.

[Planofool]

No sneaky behavior with him.....excluding the 27 yrs of letter writing and phone calls, but nothing lately. There are other things that have slipped. She seems to need more male attention than I give her. Her father left her when she was 3 and I think she has lacked fatherly love her whole life. I think she craves male attention. I don't think it is physical. She just craves the attention of conversation and attention in general. She has more issues but we just need to get over this hurdle for now.

[NatoPMT]

The thing is, you contact him, mess with him, you're giving HIM power and importance in your life. THAT will only feed his ego and make him feel good that you hate him and want to mess with his head. He doesn't care about you or your marriage, so you might be better off with silence, this way it shows he isn't even worthy of ANY reaction. THAT will bug him more than anything.

 

yes yes yes

 

P - she might be needing this attention as she still feels your lack of admiration for her - thats certainly a danger sign as she should be learning how to deal with conflict and insecurity without needing outside attention. she should be learning how to communicate with you about issues, not allowing her need for validation to lead her to court male attention

 

however, she has broken the mold with telling you. something had to change somewhere, and shes instigated a change in the dynamic which is the best first step you could take

[Planofool]

yes yes yes

 

P - she might be needing this attention as she still feels your lack of admiration for her - thats certainly a danger sign as she should be learning how to deal with conflict and insecurity without needing outside attention. she should be learning how to communicate with you about issues, not allowing her need for validation to lead her to court male attention

 

however, she has broken the mold with telling you. something had to change somewhere, and shes instigated a change in the dynamic which is the best first step you could take

 

There is a lack of admiration for her on my part....but it was brought on by her deception. Then when I find out it has been going on for 27 yrs I am having trouble loveing her like I used to. Her need for validation has always been there I guess I just didn't see it. As far as changing the dynamic, this may be one little step but it won't keep going. She put forth an effort last year after the denying stopped and she realized what she had done. That too wore off with time. Now we are back to the old way of doing things.

[NatoPMT]

There is a lack of admiration for her on my part....but it was brought on by her deception. Then when I find out it has been going on for 27 yrs I am having trouble loveing her like I used to. Her need for validation has always been there I guess I just didn't see it. As far as changing the dynamic, this may be one little step but it won't keep going. She put forth an effort last year after the denying stopped and she realized what she had done. That too wore off with time. Now we are back to the old way of doing things.

 

that slight hint is now a confirmation that you dont feel her efforts are enough - it could be a cycle youre both contributing to, or it could be genuinely that shes not capable of being who you hope she could be

 

am i right in saying that shes refused MC in the past? with how you feel currently, this could be the lever you need to get her to commit to MC, and that could help change the cycles and dynamics youve been in - at this moment in time she might be more open to agreeing to MC as shes in that place where shes realised her actions again

 

when she put forth an effort last time, was MC discussed and what happened? If the momentum can be maintained with MC, then the MC should get you the answers you need and professionally guide your recovery together - but i'd imagine during the process of those answers being extracted, you will feel this more so you prob do have some more downs to get through so be prepared for that

[trubella]

If her phone is anything like mine, once you read a text it is gone from the main display and you have to go to the text/msg section to read it. This will be a dead give away that someone has opened her phone. Unless she thinks she just didn't see it and used the phone to talk.

 

thats what i was thinking when i read this. most phones will only show a text is new/unopened once. then you have to go into text messages to check the old messages in the inbox, can easily tell its been read. unless her memory is really bad and she didnt remember opening that type of text once she checked inbox, but i doubt it.

[Planofool]

I read the text before she did. My daughter read it next while looking at my wife's phone. She asked her mom who the text was from. My wife read it and said it was just her cousin. Later that night she brought me the phone and said I needed to look at it.

 

We went to MC in the beginning and she did not get along with the therapist. I went one more time by myself. She keeps saying she needs to go but nothing happens.

[NatoPMT]

I read the text before she did. My daughter read it next while looking at my wife's phone. She asked her mom who the text was from. My wife read it and said it was just her cousin. Later that night she brought me the phone and said I needed to look at it.

 

We went to MC in the beginning and she did not get along with the therapist. I went one more time by myself. She keeps saying she needs to go but nothing happens.

 

i know you think this is something she should deal with but would you be prepared to book the mc and set it up to get the ball rolling? otherwise you could be in danger of martyring yourself as you arent willing to leave either - and you cant stay like this. There needs a catalyst

[Planofool]

I set it up last time. She can get us in at her work....she said she was going to do that but did not. So if I set it up and she doesn't want to be there what have I accomplished? That is what happened the last time. She got mad at what he said early in the session and that was it. She also claimed we didin't have the money to go. The way I see it, it is up to her.

[whichwayisup]

No sneaky behavior with him.....

 

I meant with her in the recent. You say she's slipped abit, behaviour wise and putting in less effort. I just wonder if she contacted him first and he replied back hey stranger..

[Sal Paradise]

She also claimed we didin't have the money to go. The way I see it, it is up to her.

 

 

Tell her that you can't afford a divorce either but that you're headed for one if she doesn't commit to fixing the marriage and to MC.

[Planofool]

Really don't think she contacted him. I didn't think it would take him this long to try and contact her. Like I said he has been hanging around for 27 yrs.

[Agent_99]

I think that it IS a good thing that she told you about the message. I also think from reading what you posted here that you still have some trouble trusting her. Understandable. Have you tried asking her what SHE wants to do about the message? Maybe you said and I missed it.

[Planofool]

She brought the phone to me and asked me to look at it. Then she asked what she should do. I think ignoring him is the best. He won't quit trying to reach her and I would say she is vulnerable right now so if he does get through to her she would probably talk to him. He is very snake like so he will keep trying. Maybe I should fly to Texas and take him out for a bite to eat.

 

Why shouldn't I just call him and say look....I have read all your letters and I know what you are up to so how about calling it quits. Or I will publish all your letters in a nice little book for your family to read so they can see what a pervert they have for a family member who is in love with his married 2nd cousin. He said in one of his letters he would hate for anybody to read them but her.