Contact after 1 year

[White Flower]

Glad to hear you stood up to her. Keep it up and remember, firm but gentle.

[Planofool]

I told my wife that I called the OM and I am kind of shocked at her response. This has made her appreciate me more, she looks at it as her man standing up for her. I look at it as I got her out of a jamb that she couldn't or did not no how or wouldn't. She seems to have changed somehow....I can't put my finger on it.

[Elena62]

I told my wife that I called the OM and I am kind of shocked at her response. This has made her appreciate me more, she looks at it as her man standing up for her. I look at it as I got her out of a jamb that she couldn't or did not no how or wouldn't. She seems to have changed somehow....I can't put my finger on it.

 

I'm sorry, I have to say this! But damn that is a HOT move! This is what I did with my H the first AND second time he was with another W. I called HER on it - and believe me the impact it made was incredible!

[Planofool]

The affect it had on my wife has paid off in the romance department. It's kind of weird that it has worked against him. Maybe I should call him and tell him how this has helped my sex life.

[Owl]

Remember...women generally don't love a man that they can't respect. Show them a reason to respect you, and it greatly increases your chance of being loved.

 

You've demonstrated a reason to respect you...

[Planofool]

The thing is I called him more because he pissed me off and because she obviously didn't get the message across last year that it had to end.

It also gave me great pleasure to tell him I had read all of his letters and how wrong it was to be in love with your 2nd cousin. I am not so sure my motivation was in the wrong place...but I like the outcome.

[Elena62]

The thing is I called him more because he pissed me off and because she obviously didn't get the message across last year that it had to end.

It also gave me great pleasure to tell him I had read all of his letters and how wrong it was to be in love with your 2nd cousin. I am not so sure my motivation was in the wrong place...but I like the outcome.

 

Owl is right!!

 

Plus this is great for your personal empowerment without causing distress or hurt to your wife.

 

Its a huge deal to a woman to see that she can respect a man that knows how to deal with himself.

[Planofool]

Thanks for all the credit I am getting but it was more like a mess that needed some cleaning up. All along I have felt it was her mess to clean up not mine. She wasn't going to do anything but ignore him and I knew he wasn't going away. I blame her more than I blame him, she opened the door and he walked in. I just opened it and asked him to go back out. He has a history of alcoholism so he will probably get drunk and call her again.

Again I like the results but I don't like the way I had to get them. I have spent 27 yrs with this woman and this all came about because of her need for more than me in her life. So thanks but no thanks

[Owl]

OK...I see your point, but can you see the other side of this?

 

You stepped up and defended your marriage...honestly, for the first time that I've seen on this forum at least...and she responds gratefully and lovingly...and NOW you're angry about it???

 

I get that you don't like the circumstances...but I'm sure that there are other areas that you can also step up and 'be respected' on that aren't centered around OM?

 

At the end of the day...what EXACTLY are you expecting to happen out of all of this, and how do you want to get there?

[Planofool]

I wouldn't say I am angry, I just don't like the path I had to take to get here.

I have told her all along that last years EA was upsetting but what really bothers me is the 27 yrs of deception. See I didn't know my marriage needed defending all those years. All those happy years are tainted now.

[Elena62]

I wouldn't say I am angry, I just don't like the path I had to take to get here.

I have told her all along that last years EA was upsetting but what really bothers me is the 27 yrs of deception. See I didn't know my marriage needed defending all those years. All those happy years are tainted now.

 

I so get this! I'm wondering if you're feeling like SHE should have been the one stronger and to totally shut him down so that there was no chance of the OM coming back?

 

Also, I'm wondering if you felt that it was YOU that had to do it by contacting OM and in turn that may have made you feel as if you've led the path so the impact for you in terms of her commitment and her showing you that commitment to the marriage is less?

 

I know when I did it the times I did (Get in touch with OW) that afterwards even though I felt empowered I still had no real validation from H that he truly wanted IN to our marriage. I felt that it should have been HIM doing all of it - but he didn't.

 

There are two sides to it. But, really, you took positive action. don't feel any less by that action, talk more to your W about it - gain strength from it. Ask her if she liked you doing that - you may find it brings you closer

[Planofool]

I so get this! I'm wondering if you're feeling like SHE should have been the one stronger and to totally shut him down so that there was no chance of the OM coming back?

 

Also, I'm wondering if you felt that it was YOU that had to do it by contacting OM and in turn that may have made you feel as if you've led the path so the impact for you in terms of her commitment and her showing you that commitment to the marriage is less?

 

I know when I did it the times I did (Get in touch with OW) that afterwards even though I felt empowered I still had no real validation from H that he truly wanted IN to our marriage. I felt that it should have been HIM doing all of it - but he didn't.

 

There are two sides to it. But, really, you took positive action. don't feel any less by that action, talk more to your W about it - gain strength from it. Ask her if she liked you doing that - you may find it brings you closer

 

I guess what irritates me is that she said it was all taken care of last year. Their last phone call was 18 minutes long, and I got a half ass explanation as to why it took that long just for her to tell him not to call again. She did try and say they could communicate about family reunions and other stuff but I said no. I always knew he would try to contact her and I am sure he will try again. I am wondering if I should take this opportunity to lay down some new rules. I guess I didn't see it before but obviously she and him had no thoughts of NC forever. I think she thought they could still do their annual phone call that I knew about when I thought they were just cousins talking about family. Maybe you are right and I need to discuss how serious it is that they never talk again. Maybe it will strengthen our marriage........but it still pisses me off that I have to go through this effort of cleaning up her mess. There are still more messes that go with this saga that could surface at any time.

[White Flower]

I guess what irritates me is that she said it was all taken care of last year. Their last phone call was 18 minutes long, and I got a half ass explanation as to why it took that long just for her to tell him not to call again. She did try and say they could communicate about family reunions and other stuff but I said no. I always knew he would try to contact her and I am sure he will try again. I am wondering if I should take this opportunity to lay down some new rules. I guess I didn't see it before but obviously she and him had no thoughts of NC forever. I think she thought they could still do their annual phone call that I knew about when I thought they were just cousins talking about family. Maybe you are right and I need to discuss how serious it is that they never talk again. Maybe it will strengthen our marriage........but it still pisses me off that I have to go through this effort of cleaning up her mess. There are still more messes that go with this saga that could surface at any time.

Hey Plano,

 

I am proud of you for calling him and setting him straight. And apparently so is your wife! I'm glad you got great results and nice side bennies as well:p.

 

Sometimes marriage is work and you had to man up and do some work. Mission accomplished! But why are you angry? If she were an alcoholic, you would have to drag her a$$ into rehab: work. If she were depressed, you'd have to drag her to the doctor: work. If she broke her back then you would have to wheel her around town in her chair: work.

 

You did what you had to do. It worked and you might have to do it again, but so what? The behavior will stop and she'll be so turned on that you cared enough to make yourself strong for her.

 

I wish my husband would have said, 'Hey! You're not leaving me! I love you too much. I'll do whatever it takes to gain your love and respect again.'

 

But you did that so be proud and enjoy the benefits.

[Planofool]

I don't think anyone should be proud of me. This guy and my wife have been playing me for a fool for 27 yrs. I just got mad about his arrogance and called him. He had the nerve to ask me if it was what my wife wanted. I said call her and ask, but don't you think she would have answered your text if she wanted to talk to you.

The whole deal just makes me mad. I probably didn't call him out of love for my wife. I called him because he has been in love with my wife all these years and I wanted to let him know it wasn't a secret anymore. He said in one of his letters that it would kill him if anyone besides my wife read his letters. I just wanted to let him know that I knew all about it. I think it was her place to stop the contact not mine. If she would have made that clear to him I would think more of her.

[bish]

For those of you who have read my post, it has been 1 year since I discovered my wife's EA with a man from Texas. To the best of my knowledge contact stopped the end of June last year. Yesterday she got a text from him saying....."Hey stranger. Been a long time.***** reunion is this weekend. Let me know how u r. I know text messaging is pretty sophisticated for kaintuki so call me".

I don't know if she has seen the message yet. I got her phone and looked at it without her knowing. What the hell is a kaintuki? I wanted to text him back but I didn't. I also am thinking about getting a pay as you go phone and texting him and tell him it's my new number so my husband won't know....then having some fun with him.

I need advice what should I do? Just wait and watch?

 

Hmmm...the possibilities. You know, I'd get that phone and have him start texting you. Have some fun with him. Get him to agree to meet you, I mean her....uh..you....well you know what I mean. See if he is willing to come to "kaintuki", then when the rendezvous is about to happen, be there with your wife. And when you see him, invite him over and tell him to never contact her again...and watch her reaction to it all.

[bish]

As far as this scumbag in Texas........I just wanted to have some fun with him. Make him feel like sh*t like he did me.

 

 

Well if he is a scumbag for messing around with a married woman, what does that make your wife?

 

You can't have contempt for him and not her.

[bish]

My wife's "flirting" with the camp manager could also be seen as harmless fun or just flat out being friendly with the man.

 

But coupled with the fact she had an affair and she needs male attention, I'd say not. And she seemed to really REALLY need for the camp manager to come back to his office. She was too eager to go back there.

 

Why do we have to think the worst? Why can't that just be her personality.

 

her personality is one of selfishness, wanting other men's attention, and MORE than capable of having an affair.

 

 

If she is disrespecting me by talking to him, she obviously doesn't see it that way.

 

Just talking to a guy isn't disrespecting you. She seems obsessed. She stops by his office, leaves him a message, then when she comes straight to where you are, drops your kid off with you, hops on a golf cart and immediately goes back to his office.

 

 

So if I aproach her by saying I don't feel it is appropriate for her to do that she will stop. Is it too trivial to bring up or is it something I need to address?

 

If it bothers you, you have to bring it up. She ought to know that given her past that flirting of any form is unacceptable. Not referring to having a conversation with other guys, but she seems obsessed with attention from other men....you said so yourself.

[bish]

If she won't go to counseling what do I do?

 

Only 2 choices,

 

Put up with her lousy behavior and be the husband of an attention ho.

 

Or divorce her.

[White Flower]

I don't think anyone should be proud of me. This guy and my wife have been playing me for a fool for 27 yrs. I just got mad about his arrogance and called him. He had the nerve to ask me if it was what my wife wanted. I said call her and ask, but don't you think she would have answered your text if she wanted to talk to you.

The whole deal just makes me mad. I probably didn't call him out of love for my wife. I called him because he has been in love with my wife all these years and I wanted to let him know it wasn't a secret anymore. He said in one of his letters that it would kill him if anyone besides my wife read his letters. I just wanted to let him know that I knew all about it. I think it was her place to stop the contact not mine. If she would have made that clear to him I would think more of her.

I see what you're saying. It would have been more valued by you if she had the love and honor to do it for you. The end result is the same, but the achievement less satisfying because of the manner with which it was achieved??

 

Still, I think it took b*l*s to do what you did.

[Planofool]

 

Well if he is a scumbag for messing around with a married woman, what does that make your wife?

 

You can't have contempt for him and not her.

I agree, and like I said what bothers me the most is this went on for 27 yrs. She has not changed I just found out. Now I see her in a different light. I hate to say it but I feel the love I had for her fading away.We have alot of things to stay together for but I just don't feel the way I used to in the love department. I wonder if staying together is right for either one of us.

[Planofool]

Ok we had a long talk yesterday because she was making comments to oue kids like he doesn't want to spend time with me or he doesn't want to be in the same room as me. So, to clear things up I said let us understand something here. At the time you were in your fog last year talking to the OM every waking moment of the day we were doing "Date Night" "20 second hugs", sex was great, everything seemed right with the world. But behind my back you were involved in your EA. So excuse me if I am not quite ready to get back to that way of treating you. She of course went into her defensive mode of bringing up my old girl friend and saying how she was chasing me even if i didn't realize it. That she was just like the OM in seeking her out. I said but you were the one enforcing those advances with your other man. I never once acknowledged any advances towards me or rewarded her with phone calls or letters like you did. I had no idea she was trying to test the waters with me.

 

Here is my problem...her excuse for all these years of staying in contact with old lovers is INSECURITY. She says her dad left her, her best friend used to mess with her mind and not talk to her and play with other kids. Her first husband screwed around on her then left her. She claims she always had the old boyfriends to fall back on in case something happened between us. Then she will say that she didn't really want them they were just like a security thing. Can someone make sense of this? I didn't even have a response. What do you say to that?

[Owl]

Tell her to grow up...she's not a little girl dependent upon her daddy anymore.

 

If she wants security, then she should work to make her marriage secure...not undermine it by all the flagrant horse manure she's pulling.

 

She's giving you a BS (and I do NOT mean betrayed spouse) rationalization for her own horrible behavior.

 

Tell her if she wants to deal with her insecurities, then by all means lets get into counseling together...but DROP the old lovers before "planofool" GIVES her a reason to be insecure...and LEAVES her sorry butt.

[Planofool]

Tell her to grow up...she's not a little girl dependent upon her daddy anymore.

 

If she wants security, then she should work to make her marriage secure...not undermine it by all the flagrant horse manure she's pulling.

 

She's giving you a BS (and I do NOT mean betrayed spouse) rationalization for her own horrible behavior.

 

Tell her if she wants to deal with her insecurities, then by all means lets get into counseling together...but DROP the old lovers before "planofool" GIVES her a reason to be insecure...and LEAVES her sorry butt.

 

I said if insecurity is your reason for staying in contact all these years, and you were always afraid I would leave you, why did you always threaten divorce to me when we had problems. She said that was the only way to get my attention and that I would always straighten up and fly right after that.

SO, she has used revenge as the initial reason she had contacted the OM last year. Insecurity as the reason she stayed in contact with the OM all these years. She claims she has finally let go of her love for her x husband.

She claims that the reason she liked messing with the camp manager is that he is a smartass like her. She claims that most of the men she likes to banter with are smartasses like her and that is why she does it. The doctor at work that was a little too friendly for my blood has gotten the message and leaves her alone. I said what did you tell him? She said nothing, but he can tell I don't want him touching me by my actions. Yeah right. I told her I think she has a need for male attention, she denies it.

 

So Love Shack friends is this what I have to live with or do I devote time to trying to change her? I have logged in 27 years of trusting her and loving her only to discover I have been blindly trusting someone I should not have.

Tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary.

[LifesontheUp]

So Love Shack friends is this what I have to live with or do I devote time to trying to change her? I have logged in 27 years of trusting her and loving her only to discover I have been blindly trusting someone I should not have.

Tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary.

 

The choice is yours Planofool.

 

However, she's a grown woman, and if she can't see what she is doing is wrong and how it upsets you then how on earth do you think you can change her? Only she can change how and what she does, she needs to change herself, NOBODY can do it for her.

[Owl]

Agreed. The only EFFECTIVE changes will be ones that she decides to make. You can't change her...only she can change herself.

 

The real questions for you are this...what are you willing to accept in your life, and what are you willing to do without?

 

If you're willing to keep your marriage the way it is, that's simple...do nothing, and accept her behavior.

 

If you're not willing to put up with it but aren't set on divorce yet, then you give her the means and tools to change...and the opportunity to do so. From there, you see what happens.

 

Otherwise...file.

 

Seems to be your choices to me. And honestly, she's HAD the means and opportunity to change all these years, but it hasn't happened yet. I don't know why she'd change now, unless there was some major upheaval in her life to cause her to reevaluate.