Author Planofool Posted August 18, 2008 Author Share Posted August 18, 2008 She claims that the events of last year with the EA and me finding out the truth of her past have changed her and her way of thinking. I don't know if I believe her or not. She says it is like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She no longer needs to hang onto her past. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 But do her ACTIONS match her words? (they don't to me, from what you've posted) And at the bottom of this...right now, it doesn't matter if SHE feels those changes have happened or not. It matters if YOU feel those changes have happened...if YOU feel that your marriage is secure, given her past. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 I agree, and like I said what bothers me the most is this went on for 27 yrs. She has not changed I just found out. Now I see her in a different light. I hate to say it but I feel the love I had for her fading away.We have alot of things to stay together for but I just don't feel the way I used to in the love department. I wonder if staying together is right for either one of us. By what you just said, my advice is to divorce her. Like you said, she hasn't changed. She just pissed away 27 years of what you thought was a good woman. 27 years? Yikes man. If that isn't grounds for divorce nothing is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 Agreed. The only EFFECTIVE changes will be ones that she decides to make. You can't change her...only she can change herself. The real questions for you are this...what are you willing to accept in your life, and what are you willing to do without? If you're willing to keep your marriage the way it is, that's simple...do nothing, and accept her behavior. If you're not willing to put up with it but aren't set on divorce yet, then you give her the means and tools to change...and the opportunity to do so. From there, you see what happens. Otherwise...file. Seems to be your choices to me. And honestly, she's HAD the means and opportunity to change all these years, but it hasn't happened yet. I don't know why she'd change now, unless there was some major upheaval in her life to cause her to reevaluate. I realize I can't change her but I can tell her what I don't like. I told her I did not like what I saw going on with the camp manager and we discussed it and she quit. For the last two weekends there has been no contact with him that I have seen. She still got her man fix this weekend by spending two hours at a friends camp discussing his recent fight with his girlfriend. He was at his camp with his two adult sons and two of their friends. She was the only woman present so she had the attention of 5 men. Now that is the way I see it, I could be wrong. I am sure if I brought it up she would just say she was trying to explain the female side of their arument. Imagine that my wife giving relationship advice...... By what you just said, my advice is to divorce her. Like you said, she hasn't changed. She just pissed away 27 years of what you thought was a good woman. 27 years? Yikes man. If that isn't grounds for divorce nothing is. Yeah it's grounds for divorce. It seems to me that she has kept all her options with her past men open just in case we didn't work. Kind of wierd to look at it like that, but that is basicaslly what she has said.....INSECURITY..... We have great times together as parents, lovers, friends and partners, she has issues that will probably never get resolved. I would bet my paycheck that there are too many doors in her life left open and sooner or later someone will walk back in again. Is it grounds for divorce? I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 25, 2008 Share Posted August 25, 2008 Yeah it's grounds for divorce. It seems to me that she has kept all her options with her past men open just in case we didn't work. Kind of wierd to look at it like that, but that is basicaslly what she has said.....INSECURITY..... We have great times together as parents, lovers, friends and partners, she has issues that will probably never get resolved. I would bet my paycheck that there are too many doors in her life left open and sooner or later someone will walk back in again. Is it grounds for divorce? I am not ready to throw in the towel just yet. Then my man, why live like this? Life is too short to live it out with an untrustworthy tramp like this. Sorry if I offend, but that is what she is. Why would you want to live out the rest of your days looking at her face? I hope you find the strength to leave her. Let these other dumbasses that she is keeping on the back burner have her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 25, 2008 Author Share Posted August 25, 2008 Thanks for your input. It's not time to go. Too many things to deal with in the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 Then my man, why live like this? Life is too short to live it out with an untrustworthy tramp like this. Sorry if I offend, but that is what she is. Why would you want to live out the rest of your days looking at her face? I hope you find the strength to leave her. Let these other dumbasses that she is keeping on the back burner have her. Why is it that I live this way? Do I not have the strength to stand up and say I have had enough? Am I scared of the world without her in it? Reality is that she isn't going to change....so what is it going to take to change me? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 What is it about you that needs to change? Other than simply playing doormat and accepting her behavior(s), I don't see any change in you would help the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 The change I am referring to is the part where I grow some gonads and stop letting her dictate my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 That's a GOOD change. And the thing is...you just DO IT. It sounds ridiculous, but that's the ONLY way you get there. Stop worrying about what she'll say, what she'll do...and DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. Right now, you're like the proverbial frog in boiling water. You've been sitting in the pot so long, while the water has been heating up this whole time...but you're not willing to jump out. If you'd been dropped into this situation from the beginning, you'd have jumped immediately. But it doesn't matter about what might have beens...the water is still boiling, and you STILL have the choice to jump or cook. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 The change I am referring to is the part where I grow some gonads and stop letting her dictate my life. that would take drastic measures like filing for divorce. you stay because it's familiar. it's not really even about loving or not loving your wife. she has not done the proper work to alleviate your ill feelings of her despicable behavior. she is actually fueling the fire. she could change her email address, cell phone #, house phone # - you get the idea... then NONE of the men she leaves the door open for could contact her. but noooo, she spends 18 minutes on a call when she basically could have said what needed to be said in 30 seconds. she reopened the contact with him again thinking it was fine and she will do it again - she'll just be smarter about it next time. she openly flirts with a camp counselor... and expects you to be fine with that and also makes you look bad to your own children instead of validating your position and making amends. this is not what a loving and caring wife would do if she was considering your feelings above hers. she's selfish and self serving! is that what you want to live with for the NEXT 27 years? she continues to betray you on a daily basis with that lousy attitude! Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Why is it that I live this way? Do I not have the strength to stand up and say I have had enough? Am I scared of the world without her in it? Reality is that she isn't going to change....so what is it going to take to change me? going out with a good buddy, having a beer, and him slapping you upside the head and asking you "what the hell is wrong with you", and then that buddy telling you to ditch the witch. Maybe that'll do it....maybe not. I don't know. All I know is, my man, do NOT waste the rest of your life on this sorry excuse for a woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 I have come to the reality that my wife is a very selfish person. This may sound stupid......I could leave her, but I can't do that to my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 So you would rather teach your kids to be unhappy in life and to live in a broken home? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 My older two see their mom has issues and my youngest knows her mom pretty well also. My oldest son wants her to get help. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 My older two see their mom has issues and my youngest knows her mom pretty well also. My oldest son wants her to get help. So your kids know she needs help. Why won't she go get help for the sake of her kids? I was brought up in a very disfunctional family home and the effects it has on the kids can last a lifetime. You are the adults here, you and your wife. Sounds to me like she has a lot of issues, so why doesn't she grow up and seek help with them before its too late for the lot of you...........damn selfish Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 She doesn't give the kids credit that they see her problems. I have asked her to get help but she doesn't want to "relive her past" in her own words. She says it would be too painful. I have an appointment tomorrow with a new Therapist. I am going by myself first. My oldest has been talking to her mom about getting her help. Maybe we can work together to get her some help. The other problem is she thinks she knows as much as the therapist. She got mad at the first therapist we went to on the first visit. I went back to him by myself but knew he was out of the picture. Tomorrow I am meeting with a woman therapist. Maybe she will be the one. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 Sorry plano but the more I read about your wife the clearer it is that she will not change and thinks only about herself. 27 yrs is a long time for you to put up with this. So question is...........what are you going to do? You obviously are not happy or you wouldn't be on here posting as you do. So are you going to start thinking about you and the kids for a change? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 27, 2008 Author Share Posted August 27, 2008 A good friend who has been through a divorce has convinced me that it is time to worry about one persons happiness and one person only..........me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 My older two see their mom has issues and my youngest knows her mom pretty well also. My oldest son wants her to get help. Your kids see the damage right now and they shouldn't have to be dealing with their mom, trying to get involved and get her help. I know you don't want to break up the family unit, but it actually may be healthier for your kids NOT to be around their mom daily with her stuck in a fog. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 not only that (what WWIU said) but to stay shows your kids by example that bad behavior should be tolerated at the expense of your integrity. this is not the right thing for kids to have to accept as normal marriage boundaries. they need to see that you stand firm on self respect! Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 I have come to the reality that my wife is a very selfish person. This may sound stupid......I could leave her, but I can't do that to my kids. You didn't do it to your kids....SHE did. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 27, 2008 Share Posted August 27, 2008 A good friend who has been through a divorce has convinced me that it is time to worry about one persons happiness and one person only..........me. He is correct. And you can't put all your best effort into being a father if you are unhappy. Your kids need at least one good parent, and it sure aint gonna be your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted August 28, 2008 Share Posted August 28, 2008 Plano.. you are not responsible for your wife's happiness, she is. However you are responsible of getting your kids out of an unhealthy environment. It's getting to the point that you either are going to leave and fight for your kids or she's going to get some major mental help. Glad you are going to counseling but you also have to stop putting yourself in the position of being a victim. The more you do that the more you put your kids in that role. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Planofool Posted August 28, 2008 Author Share Posted August 28, 2008 I want to make sure I understand the line of thinking here. Should I be more concerned with the way the kids perceive me or the way they look at their mother? If I come off as weak and have no self respect is that worse than her coming off as crazy? I use crazy because my oldest son says his mom is crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
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