How our brains stop dwelling on the past

[sunshinegirl]

I found this on an infidelity support site today - a poster was responding to someone's question about how to stop dwelling on her husband's affair.

 

This issue is hard for everyone who has gone through this - you are definately not alone on this one.

 

Part of my training for what I do involves a knowledge of neurology. If I hadn't studied this field, I wouldn't know much about brain processes information, and it turns out this topic brought me alot of comfort with this very problem.

 

You see, when you experience something new, whether it's good or bad, your brain stores it immediately in a section that is "new news". This is a frequently accessed area, so the subjects stored there come up frequently.

 

There is also a section fo the brain that is "old news". This area is dusty and much less accessed, and when things go there they are thought of MUCH less. Some go there and hardly ever get thought of again.

 

In order to move something from the "new news" section of the brain to the "old news section", your brain has to think about it a certain number of times. The number of times is dependent on both the individual and the size and novelty of the issue. The fact that I stubbed my toe this morning moves to the old new section alot faster than the fact that a loved one died.

 

So, you have to think of the infidelity, and the OP, and the lies, and the betrayal a certain number of times before it can be appropriately processed by the brain. This is literally the proceedure your brain must go through in order to make memories and incorprate a new fact into your reality. Which is why now, it still feels new and surprising and surreal everytime you think about it. Later, after the number of times is reached, it will be easier to accept as reality, and you'll think of it less and less until you barely think of it at all.

 

Why did knowing that make me feel better? Because every time I suffered from another thoguht about all this bad stuff, I realized that I could check another time off toward moving this thought along. It helped me see thinking abotu it as something natural that I needed to go through to help me feel better later. I stopped dreading the thoughts, and just let them come, because I knew the more they did, that everytime I was one step closer to putting this away.

 

And, sure enough, the more they came, and the less I fought it, the happier I was, and the faster I was able to heal. Now I think of it much less.

 

I hope this helps...

 

URL: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=245062

[northstar1]

I found this on an infidelity support site today - a poster was responding to someone's question about how to stop dwelling on her husband's affair.

 

 

 

URL: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=245062

 

 

Pretty interesting concept. I may have to practice that.

 

Either that, or I'm gonna have to go get ECT and wipe the whole damn slate clean.

[sunshinegirl]

The idea that my brain just has to cycle things through a certain number of times before "putting it away" is helpful... it's so easy to get mad at myself for still dwelling, especially given the objective reality that my ex was selfish, hurtful, disconnected, blah blah blah. But I guess it's just that my brain is working it all out, in its own time.

[kizik]

Yes.

 

"you have to think of the infidelity, and the OP, and the lies, and the betrayal a certain number of times before it can be appropriately processed by the brain. This is literally the proceedure your brain must go through in order to make memories and incorprate a new fact into your reality. Which is why now, it still feels new and surprising and surreal everytime you think about it. Later, after the number of times is reached, it will be easier to accept as reality, and you'll think of it less and less until you barely think of it at all."

 

I like that. A lot of us say to just shove thoughts away, but no matter how much I do that, I remember a different betrayal, argument, etc., every day. Why is that? Well, I guess it's a natural part of emotional recovery. Thanks SSG.

[Lookingforward]

I think that person may be right - and maybe that is also why the leaver (dumper?) often shows up AFTER you have processed it and moved on.......as the dumper they are (in most cases) less likely to be "processing it".......so it takes them longer to get to that point and "wonder if"

[kizik]

A few days after she and I split, we were talking on the phone. I said, "For a while I'll wanna get back together, until I won't want to anymore." This pissed her off a lot, b/c she's crazy, prob. wanted me hanging on all my life. Unknowingly I was talking about acceptance, and yes, processing.

 

I was such a wuss post-breakup, but I'm SO glad I said the above.