Long Distance with an Evil Twist

[Michael212]

Ok - so I have been posting on the "other man/woman" forum but I think it now deserves to migrate here.

 

Short story - met a girl in Europe - she was in a 7 year (unhappy) relationship. Left her boyfriend supposedly to be with me and move back to my home town on another continent. In the meantime she went back home to her parents in Canada to heal, work on herself and figure out next steps.

 

But she has totally withdrawn! She went back on her earlier commitments to move in with me, cut back completely on communication after I pressured her.

 

I am filled with regret. She was dealing with a lot of stuff. She kept asking for space. I kept knocking on her door.

 

Now I feel like I have blown it.

 

I'm stepping back and giving her space but I don't know if we will ever have contact again. She is very far away.

 

Stuff I experienced with her - man - was the most in love I think i've ever felt and I saw her seeming pretty damn in love too. But for her it seems like out of sight is out of mind and she's got other priorities right now.

 

What confuses me is - damn that love felt pretty real. I'm not naieve. I believe she was feeling it too.

 

Reckon I just turned jealous, fearful and pushy and just turned her right off me.

 

Only way to cure that is distance and space right? If the attraction was strong enough she'll make overtures again. If it wasn't guess i'm better off without her.

 

What would you do????

[woods321]

A little confused by your post.

 

You met a girl in Europe that had a boyfriend.

 

She agreeed to move with you to another continent where your home town is.

 

Instead she moved to her parents town in canada? Is she European or canadian?

 

Then she changed her mind, and she is still far away from you? Are you in canada?

[Michael212]

Sorry for the confusion.

 

I am still in Europe where we met.

 

She went back to her parent's place in Canada to heal up and save some cash to supposedly come to me when I moved in a month's time.

 

But when she got back home she got more distant and pulled back on her earlier desire to move.

 

I guess I have dissected this one about as much as humanly possible. She's either not that in to me, has too much on her plate to think about it, is scared of moving a long way, or has someone new. Though that would be record timing.

[woods321]

Well, a similar thing happened to me..

 

Girl visited for 2 months, and told me she wants to come back. Once home she told me she cant wait to come back. Then her mother died, and we decided not to talk for a while or indefinitely. She said she "knows" I have someone else, and i will not wait for her. (To have sex)

 

So, all kinds of things have ran through my mind as well. I haven't called her for a week, and she just texted me, telling me how she loves me, but her mother died, and she knows I have someone else, and it is all very difficult for her. I have no idea how she thinks I have someone else..

 

I didnt reply, and if I were you I would just let it be. Give her time and space. If she loves you, and if she feels you were good for her, she will contact you.

[Michael212]

So, all kinds of things have ran through my mind as well. I haven't called her for a week, and she just texted me, telling me how she loves me, but her mother died, and she knows I have someone else, and it is all very difficult for her. I have no idea how she thinks I have someone else...

 

Curious. Why would she say she thought you had someone else. Either afraid of betrayal or using it as an excuse. My gut feeling would be the former. Added to the emotional event of losing her mom. I am learning that girls can be different to guys. (duh) When feelings strike they really can overwhelm.

 

How about just texting back and saying quite clearly - you don't have someone else - you would still love to see her again - and you understand how challenging it must be for her with her mom. If she feels she would like to come back to see you she should get in touch.

 

That way you put the ball back in her court and you leave the door open. Not so easy I know. When my girl pulled back my first reaction was hurt. I wanted to hurt her back or cut off from her. But after a while I just said - I know moving can feel scary - but if in the future you feel you want a relationship and the move feels more manageable then you give me a call. My door is open and you can come for as long or short as you choose.

 

Obviously one doesn't want to be a doormat - but the reality is that people are afraid of intimacy and commitment in relationships. It can bring up all kinds of old fears of abandonment or betrayal for instance (which sounds like what it is doing for her) Keeping the door open allows the other person to work with their own issues. Either they will overcome them - or they won't. But what does one really lose by doing this - so long as one moves on with one's own life?

 

In fact I find it helps one to feel less like a victim of the situation.

 

I have not heard from the girl I have been connecting with for around 5 days. Sounds short - but given the intensity of contact we were having it feels like eternity with no contact. I don't know what is going on in her mind. I feel really hurt that she was willing stop connecting right now. But I just don't know the circumstances of what she is feeling or why. So rather not even speculate - just get on with my own life and leave it be. If it comes back to me fine - else something else will.

 

In the meantime I get to work on my own feelings around rejection or abandonment or unworthiness.

[wierdmunky]

Well, a similar thing happened to me..

 

She said she "knows" I have someone else, and i will not wait for her. (To have sex)

 

So, all kinds of things have ran through my mind as well. I haven't called her for a week, and she just texted me, telling me how she loves me, but her mother died, and she knows I have someone else, and it is all very difficult for her. I have no idea how she thinks I have someone else..

you.

 

Kinda sounds like she wants to know if you do have someone else or not. When I was with an ex, and felt insecure I'd say I know that you think (insert my insecurity here) hoping that he would validate that I'm NOT that, and depending on his response, I could find out how much he really cared about me. Sounds like a stupid game and maybe unhealthy but it helped me at the time.

[woods321]

I feel my girl is very afraid of intimacy and betrayal.

 

I have been the perfect man to her in that regard. I always answered my phone. I called her everyday. She came to live with me for 2 months. I must have reassured her 100 times that I do not have or want anyone else.

 

 

After her mom died (2 weeks ago) she became much worse. Our conversations were horrible, and she was 3 times as insecure. I reassured her several times that I have no one else, and waiting is no problem.( it is no problem for me) . I was very patient.

 

So what did it get me? One day she called while I was at the store, and she told me she "knew" I was with another woman, and I was not at the store. She told me to not call her more.

 

I texted her, called her for a few days and she never answered or returned a message.. We talked everyday for 7 months, and thats what I get in return. I felt hurt.

 

So 2 days ago she sent a text she said "i love you, but my mom died, i am not feeling well, and I know you have another woman, and that is too much for me to handle. Love ..."

 

So, at this point i give up. If I message her again, I think it just reinforces that is is acceptable to accuse me, and she wont believe me anyway. I am at the point of being fed up with being accused, especially after I have given so much.

 

This is the first week I never initiated contact and it also gives me time to think. It kind of feels good in a way. I just don't feel right anymore giving her an open door to accuse me. If we do talk again, I am at the point of being able to reassure her, but also let her know I cant live with being accused. She has to one day make decision of being able to trust me or not.

[Michael212]

Wow. That's a tough one. Sounds really clear that she is re-living old hurts and the fear of their returning.

 

The realization I am having to face now is that one cannot push people through their own processes. Even if their fears are irrational - as you say - one can only do so much to reassure them.

 

So long as you have been clear with her that you are absolutely not seeing anyone else and that you feel strongly for her it seems there is nothing else you can do.

 

Hard in such circumstances not to take her insecurities personally but I guess that is the best route to attempt to follow.

 

I am struggling to accept that my desired partner's distancing herself from me has all to do with her stuff and nothing to do with anything being wrong with me or not great about our connection. I have to accept that either now is going to be the time she is able to work through her own stuff enough to open herself to the connection we have - or she simply is not ready to in which case this opportunity will pass us and I will find the person who is ready to connect.

 

Courage on the journey forward. Sounds like you have your head pretty clear. Pity she is having to face her own demons.

[woods321]

Its hard, because logically you think of ways to say something that will make a difference. Tell stories, use examples, say it in different ways, etc, but it just doesn't work. Nothing I say will make her snap and all of a sudden believe me. Maybe she will have time to think and realize I was trustworthy.

 

I think you contacted her enough as well, and she knows where you stand. I doubt she is with someone else. Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder.

 

If you didn't do anything wrong, and she just wants space, what can you do? i think maybe hanging around and contacting hr will just make it easier for her to keep the space.

[woods321]

Its tough, but look at it like this.

 

Lets say you own a business, and treated an employee very well. Their work started to slack off, and one day they told you they might need some time off, or might want to quit as they are not happy.

 

You tell them you need them and don't want them to quit.

 

They decide to quit to think about their career.

 

Now at this point, you CAN call and beg them everyday, and maybe even offer them more money. They might come back. They might not. But do you want that person back at this point? They still might not like their job.

 

Or you can wait until they contact you. Maybe they had time to think, and realize the job they had was pretty good. When they call to come back you explain that you have been interviewing others and need to think about it. And you also want them to be sure they really want that job back, as it is a big deal to you.

 

I think in the second scenario, the person will do a much better job and not take there job for granted. You also feel better as they have proven to you that they really want it.

 

I really would want to know that the girl wants me. Not just that she is weak for moment, contacts me, and then neither of us is still sure.

[Michael212]

Nice point. Sticking to that full reality of what I want - not some small compromise of what - is the only way I have ever gotten anywhere when I think about it. In careers, in relationships.

 

The relationship starts out great - you see all the promise of it and may be getting what you want. But suddenly the tap starts closing until there is the barest trickle left.

 

At this point I guess the thing to do is notice that you are putting all your energy into trying to drink from the barest trickle - while there are other taps running wide open all around you.

 

Ok so the tap metaphor sucks - but the principle is good!

 

Nice post - thanks for reminding me of that.

 

This morning I woke up and realized how much I have neglected of myself. My work, the other things in my life that give me pleasure -all to try and drink from a barest trickle of water.

 

So that really allowed me to refocus on myself.

 

The interesting question for me is always - what on earth qualities in me would make me feel that a trickle was the best I could do?

 

Then I have to look at my own past - and how I got love as a child - which to be honest was just as a trickle. One can become obsessed with the need to get that damn tap open - even if its a tap from one's childhood 23 years ago - and all the roleplayers are now different.

 

The most important step is being willing to pull oneself away from that trickling tap. Then one starts to see all the other sources of water in the word.

[HisLove]

She was in a 7 year 'unhappy' relationship. It took her 7 years to extricate herself.

 

The first thing that came to mind was that you were an exit affair for her. Now she's out of that relationship, things have changed. Probably not intentionally. However, she does have a history it seems of not being able to face up to things honestly.

 

I definitely think space is the way to go. Don't keep chasing her. If she's wise, she'll need time to find out who she is again without any man in her life. Jumping from one relationship to another isn't a good idea.

[Michael212]

7 year relationship - 3 years unhappy. Yes, difficulty facing up to reality.

 

Had affairs in the past. Was living with someone wasn't in love with because the alternative felt too daunting to leave and self confidence was extremely low.

 

Saw this the first time we met a couple years ago.

 

There was a genuine connection between her and I - enough to make a go of things I feel certain.

 

However - yes. She has a lot of catching up to do to get to the place where I am. Stable in myself, confident about my career and my future. Ready to invest in a relationship.

 

So I have put it behind me and am re-focused on me. Better to stop dredging up the old painful feelings anymore.

 

I have let this one go.

[Michael212]

I guess it just hurts to think of myself as an "exit relationship"

 

I think rather that she was in a relationship and saw something she wanted more - and so went for it.

 

But the step of actually leaving was bigger for her than she realized and the step of arriving in a new one similarly bigger.

 

Too much to deal with.

 

I don't really mind so much the more time passes. I see that I want someone who is really ready and on their own two feet. She "wanted" to be ready and made the indications of being but wasn't being wholly honest with herself or me. Clearly.

 

So - lesson learned. Happy to be leaving town, getting back to my new life which is actually pretty exciting right now.

[Michael212]

Let me put it this way.

 

I feel our connection was absolutely 100% genuine. There was love, romance, all the things a connection should be.

 

The issue was where she was at in her life. She had a huge backlog of undealt with stuff to deal with.

 

Our connection - I believe forced her to confront that she couldn't keep avoiding how she was feeling. That - in her words - there was something better out there for her.

 

But that doesn't change the reality of having to process years worth of undealt with feelings and rebuild oneself after an unhealthy dependency.

 

I agree - the wise thing for her is to focus on herself - which is what she is doing. The wise thing for me is to recognize that the person isn't in a space to have a relationship right now - which is what I am doing.

 

My bit is about letting go and moving on as hard as that has felt. To opening myself up to new loves.

[woods321]

I think sometimes it is good to take a break and be able to think clearly.

 

It is difficult at the beginning,but each day gets easier.

 

The faucet analogy makes sense. I think all men do that at some point in time with the woman they care about though.

 

How long has it been since you have spoken to her?

[Michael212]

Well its only been a week of absolutely no email or spoken contact.

 

She left at the beginning of July though and haven't connected with her much since then. In fact that was the problem - even the times we spoke she just felt "not present" - like she had other things on her mind.

 

I'm not going to keep mulling this one over. I can't know what is going on for her, why she made the decision to cut contact - or what she's gonna feel in the future.

 

I'm just doing my best to pretend she is on the moon or a parallel dimension and simply doesn't exist in my life anymore Since for all intents and purposes that is true.

 

And that's it.