Heather Posted March 16, 2000 Share Posted March 16, 2000 I wonder if anyone has any advice for me. One of my very dear close friends has recently separated from her husband of 11 years. Here's the problem, I am almost certain that she is messing around and is not telling me the truth about what is going on. I'm not one to judge anyones actions, how someone conducts their life is their business and I'm not a person to get shocked very easily. So how do I approach my friend and reassure her that I am here for her no matter what she does or decides to do. How do I tell her that because I'll tell you she does not want to discuss her situation at all with me. Is she sending me signals that she doesn't trust me? or maybe that she is embarassed. Help, please understand I love this friend like a sister. Link to post Share on other sites
Totally Confused Posted March 16, 2000 Share Posted March 16, 2000 It's kind of hard to give you a straight answer, only because I don't know your relationship with her. In the past, have you given her any reason not to trust you? Are you on friendly terms with her husband? Would you tell anyone if you knew? I have to be honest, but if you are close friends, it does sound like a trust factor. I know that when I have a secret, I always tell my best friend. She's always on my side and I can trust her with all my heart. I'll tell her anything. Nothing is too embarrassing to tell a close friend. A person always has a confidant, so if it's not you, then you two aren't as close as you thought you were. If I don't trust someone, I'll still be friendly to them, but I won't tell them too much. Anyway, what I'd do is just come right out and ask her. Tell her your suspisions and let her know right away, that whatever she's doing you won't judge or lose respect for. Let her know that if she needs someone to talk to, you'll be there. That's really all you can do. You can't make someone talk if they don't want to talk. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Shirley Posted March 16, 2000 Share Posted March 16, 2000 I wonder if anyone has any advice for me. One of my very dear close friends has recently separated from her husband of 11 years. Here's the problem, I am almost certain that she is messing around and is not telling me the truth about what is going on. I'm not one to judge anyones actions, how someone conducts their life is their business and I'm not a person to get shocked very easily. So how do I approach my friend and reassure her that I am here for her no matter what she does or decides to do. How do I tell her that because I'll tell you she does not want to discuss her situation at all with me. Is she sending me signals that she doesn't trust me? or maybe that she is embarassed. Help, please understand I love this friend like a sister. Hi! Your friend has a very low self esteem. She thinks that if she tells you what she's doing, then you will be disgusted with her and maybe end your friendship. You and I know that that won't happen, but she doesn't. Also, she doesn't want to upset you. This whole thing is upsetting her and she doesn't want to drag you down along with her. So it's not that she doesn't trust you. It's that she doesn't trust in herself. Her marriage is falling apart, and she doesn't know what to do. She thinks she's a failure. The best thing for you to do is to be with her. Tell her you love her. She's not ready to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation yet. Take her out and just have fun for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 17, 2000 Share Posted March 17, 2000 I almost always agree with totally confused, whoever he/she is. However, when it comes to discussing very intimate situations, we live in the blabber/tape recorder age of people like Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp. Your friend has an absolute right to her privacy and you do not have any right to pierce it, except to just be there for your friend. Whether she is having an affair or not, she is being very discrete in an age when discretion is a sacrament. Continue to care deeply for your friend but have respect for her boundaries, like a good friend should, and don't go where she doesn't what you to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Robbie Posted March 17, 2000 Share Posted March 17, 2000 To lose a best friend in a time in need is the most awful feeling. You need to be there for her, I know that my friend will be there for me when I am sad, down or confused, maybe not there for with great pieces of advice, but just there to comfort and support. There is no doubt that your friend is going through a difficult time, be it self imposed or otherwise, and it is difficult to admit such things to yourself sometimes, denial is a huge hurdle to cross, confrontation of the problem, bigger. Let her Know that you are there to understand as a friend. Losing a best friend is the most awful feeling, provide the support. As the saying goes,a friend in need is a friend in deed. Hi! Your friend has a very low self esteem. She thinks that if she tells you what she's doing, then you will be disgusted with her and maybe end your friendship. You and I know that that won't happen, but she doesn't. Also, she doesn't want to upset you. This whole thing is upsetting her and she doesn't want to drag you down along with her. So it's not that she doesn't trust you. It's that she doesn't trust in herself. Her marriage is falling apart, and she doesn't know what to do. She thinks she's a failure. The best thing for you to do is to be with her. Tell her you love her. She's not ready to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation yet. Take her out and just have fun for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Heather Posted March 17, 2000 Share Posted March 17, 2000 I wonder if anyone has any advice for me. One of my very dear close friends has recently separated from her husband of 11 years. Here's the problem, I am almost certain that she is messing around and is not telling me the truth about what is going on. I'm not one to judge anyones actions, how someone conducts their life is their business and I'm not a person to get shocked very easily. So how do I approach my friend and reassure her that I am here for her no matter what she does or decides to do. How do I tell her that because I'll tell you she does not want to discuss her situation at all with me. Is she sending me signals that she doesn't trust me? or maybe that she is embarassed. Help, please understand I love this friend like a sister. Hey everyone, Thank you all for your advice, usually it's me offering opinions on this system. Funny huh, we can all offer advice to someone else but when it comes to ourselves...... Anyway to let you know, I did go to my friends house for the evening and we spent some really great quality time together. We were reminicent of our youth and things we had done together "remember the time we....and oh my God if your mother would have caught us..." I guess I was just trying to remind her that there were many thing that I had kept a secret and are still secret to this day. Well it worked, she broke down crying so I put my arm around her and asked why was she crying? She told me what was going on, I told her I loved her and that there was nothing that would ever change that - you are my friend. I think both of us feel much better today. So, thanks everybody for your concern and advice, isn't it also strange how sometimes admitting out loud that you have a problem helps to solve it?!? Heather Toronto, Ontario, Canada Link to post Share on other sites
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